Miss Snark's First Victim
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
F2S 21
The annual gathering of angels convened early one morning in a hidden valley, made inaccessible to the outside world by sheer vertical walls of tan, red, and purple rock. The Valley of Truth lay within a plateau large enough to be a small nation and was the one place where the angels could forego their usual discretion.
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There are a lot of words but not much beyond descriptions of a place. There's no one to care about. Sorry, I wouldn't read any further.
ReplyDeleteInteresting set-up.
ReplyDeleteToo much setting information instead of raising story questions. Good details but can we wait a few more lines until we're hooked to get to them?
ReplyDeleteI thought of Ranch dressing when I read the first sentence. Couldn't really get past that. Sorry.
ReplyDelete:) Terri
This is all setup. Skip ahead to where the action starts, imo :)
ReplyDeleteThis feels a little like an info-dump to me... I think some of the information could wait and perhaps find something with a bit more hook to start out.
ReplyDeleteHmm. Anything with angels (and demons) tends to intrigue me, so even if I find the POV not the most gripping yet, and it feels a bit info-dumpy, I'd probably read on a bit to see what the angels are up to and if things pick up.
ReplyDeleteNo... I'm sorry. :#
ReplyDeleteThis is mostly description, and you have to give me a really good reason not to have a mental image of glowing guys in togas with wings flapping en masse to this place. <- though that mental image actually does hook me.
Very poetic. I would read on to see if it picks up a bit and who the characters might be, hopefully you'll introduce intriguing ones soon.
ReplyDelete"The annual gathering of angels convened early one morning " is your hook. Everything after that killed it for me.
ReplyDeleteI really like it. Angels, and canyons. Good scene setting.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry. This feels overwritten, and there's no clear POV or characterizations, nor tension/plot indicated.
ReplyDeleteHm.... Those rock walls certainly stand out from the background, don't they? I got a visual similar to a colorful Fortress of Solitude. ;-)
ReplyDeleteThis is set dressing -- and it's good set dressing, but I can't help thinking it might be more effective later in the chapter. (Not a whole lot later, but later than the F2S, IMO.)
Could you perhaps open with something that makes us wonder about the story instead of about its environs? :-)
Average Readability Level: 13.24
ReplyDeleteAverage of grade levels scores that follow.
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores
Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 47.3
Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 13.7
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 16.3
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 11.1
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 10.8
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 14.3
Too educated, too wordy...simple it up for us. We don't want to work when we read for pleasure.