Miss Snark's First Victim
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
F2S 8
Samantha Liffey dragged her feet, threading her way through row after row of cars in the sweltering, dusty parking lot as she followed her older sister Abby toward Salem Market just as she did every Saturday morning precisely at 9:00, which was when the best bargains on fruits and vegetables were up for grabs. Or at least that's what their dad said - Sam had a sneaking suspicion that his motivation lay more in getting them out of the house than in saving money.
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Vivid imagery, but too much data. Less would be better here, imo. Focus.
ReplyDeleteThat first sentence is a doozy. Nothing bad, but you might want to simplify.
ReplyDeleteWow that's a long first sentence. Way too much info packed in here.
ReplyDeleteTry breaking it up into several shorter sentences. Maybe:
Like bad deja vu, a 9 a.m. trip to Salem Market ruined Sam's plans to sleep in. Her father said the best bargain on fruits and vegetables could be found on Saturday morning. But as she followed her sister through the dusty parking lot, Sam suspected her father had ulterior motives.
I tend to agree with the rest of the comments here, that first sentence had my head swimming. It had great, vivid detail but a little less of it would help make the meaning clearer.
ReplyDeleteI agree. The second sentence is better. Breaking the first sentence down into two parts might help.
ReplyDeleteI gotta agree with everyone else so far, that first sentence really caught me up. I think it's a run-on... I'd break it into two or three. It has some great ideas in there, it's just hard to read.
ReplyDeleteWow, that is two very long lines. I see you're trying to get us as much of the story as you can in. What you say is interesting, not too intriguing. But I'd probably read on to find out more.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid it doesn't really grab me, but you do have a nice set-up and despite the length of the first sentence, I didn't have a problem following it. I liked the second one.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any problems with this. I thought the long dragging sentence added to the attitude and imagery of her dragging feet. I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteI was under the impression that the first sentence way long when I just glanced at it. Second read through, it isn't as bad as I thought, but might be better if you simplify a little. Split it into a couple sentences so it isn't all crammed in.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing is "motivation lay more" <- for some reason doesn't sound right in my head, but I can't think of a better way to phrase it.
I would read on though.
Oh my lord! Will that first sentence never end? ;-)
ReplyDeleteI think there's a good beginning hiding in here. Samantha seems addicted to details, and that's intriguing. It's also interesting that she's onto her dad's motivation. Please, though, do consider breaking up that first sentence into two or more. I think readers may get lost among the cars in the parking lot and never make it to the rest of the story otherwise. :-)
I've seen so many versions of this beginning. This one doesn't grab me, though, and the first line is too long.
ReplyDeleteFirst sentence is plenty detailed, but it's a statement of facts. What is interesting about your heroine's trip to the market? What about her experience of going to the market is uniquely hers? Think attitude, beliefs, likes and dislikes, personality quirks.
ReplyDeleteI liked that in the second sentence you reveal something about her life situation. The job of the first sentence is to make me want to know more about her life situation, so that when I read the second sentence, I'm getting information about a heroine I've already started to care about.
Really bad run-on. This needs a lot of structuring. Really not hooked, sorry. You’ve got way too much going on there.
ReplyDeleteAverage Grade Level
ReplyDeleteAverage Readability Level: 15.9
Average of grade levels scores that follow.
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores
Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 43.3
Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 17.6
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 19.7
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 10.2
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 11.6
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 20.4
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
NO! This should be about 10 sentences.
John Grisham
Tom Clancy
Michael Crichton
Stephen King
Clive Cussler
Mary Renault
Frank McCourt
Arthur Golden
ALL WRITE 7TH GRADE LEVEL
Too much information in one sentence. Let me take a breath and come up for air. I like the imagery, but I lost interest with the run-on sentence.
ReplyDeleteThat first sentence is WAY too long. Ditto that there's nothing but backstory going on here. Start with the action, not the lead up to it.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely feeling like an info dump. The first sentence is miles too long.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the premise of the sentences draws some good story questions.