Michael Norton looked at the tangle of blonde hair on the pillow and heard the voice of reason ask: are you sure that you know what you are doing? The girl sighed and rolled over on her back so he could see her full lips slightly parted.
It does peak my interest. I do want to know about the two people, but I wouldn't read on because I find steamy sex scenes uncomfortable and generally avoid books that might have them. Good start though.
This could go a number of ways: sex, murder, love... it's a good hook in that aspect. It reads a little clunky, though -- read this out loud and see where you can streamline the words for a smoother flow.
unless it's necessary for the character, I'd add some contractions in the italicized part so it's not so clunky: "are you sure you know what you're doing?"
I would read on, but if it turned into a sex scene, I'd close the book. I think this has a lot of intrigue...gets me asking a lot of questions. Good job!
I don't like "the voice of reason" part. It didn't grab me - seems too easy for an opening line. Show us that he's doubting, instead of telling us, and I think it can work much better.
Also, I think Wulf makes a very good point about the second sentence.
2. Weird... guys stop to wonder if they are doing the right thing?
3. Sounds like she's asleep, so it's probably a little too late to be second guessing what he's doing. Er. Unless the question didn't have anything to do with sex.
The first sentence is abstract. Is the hair there all by itself? I'd prefer: the head of tangled blond hair.
Also, 'on the pillow' gives no indication where she is in relation to him. It's clearer as: "on the pillow next to him"
When you say 'so he could see,' it sounds like she purposely rolled over so he could look at her lips...which probably isn't what you meant.
Since they are already in bed, I assume they already...got it on, which begs the question: what pending (or ongoing) decision is the voice of reason questioning him about? Which makes me think it's either Michael popping the question or having an affair.
If the former, I'd read a little more. If the latter, I'd drop the book.
Not a bad opening, but not the usual opening for my favorite books. It would depend on where this is shelved. I like that he's stopping to think, brownie points there, but I'd love to see a fun pulled by sentence five.
Are we jumping right into a sex or murder scene? I might read on to see if he answers the voice of reason or tells it where to go. It's a pretty good start. Rather poetic.
The last two words of the second sentence are both awkwardly put and a little creepy. It appears that Michael is about to abduct the girl, but the full lips description makes it seem more like a seduction. The conflicting messages confuse me. The first sentence hooks me, while the second one doesn’t.
There's not a lot of action or tension in here, but I would read a few more lines at least to see where this is going. If it's just leading up to some kind of sappy declaration of love, I probably wouldn't read on.
It does peak my interest. I do want to know about the two people, but I wouldn't read on because I find steamy sex scenes uncomfortable and generally avoid books that might have them. Good start though.
ReplyDeleteThis could go a number of ways: sex, murder, love... it's a good hook in that aspect. It reads a little clunky, though -- read this out loud and see where you can streamline the words for a smoother flow.
ReplyDeleteunless it's necessary for the character, I'd add some contractions in the italicized part so it's not so clunky: "are you sure you know what you're doing?"
ReplyDeleteI liked everything up to "so he could see... full lips slightly parted", that part ruins the nice voice and the smooth feel of the writing.
ReplyDeleteHow does he know why she rolled over? And "her full lips slightly parted" needs more striking creativity and precision.
I would read on, but if it turned into a sex scene, I'd close the book. I think this has a lot of intrigue...gets me asking a lot of questions. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI don't like "the voice of reason" part. It didn't grab me - seems too easy for an opening line. Show us that he's doubting, instead of telling us, and I think it can work much better.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think Wulf makes a very good point about the second sentence.
No... *icky* :[
ReplyDeleteThat said, I had three initial thoughts.
1. The one I have above.
2. Weird... guys stop to wonder if they are doing the right thing?
3. Sounds like she's asleep, so it's probably a little too late to be second guessing what he's doing. Er. Unless the question didn't have anything to do with sex.
I'd remove 'that' from the italicized part.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence is abstract. Is the hair there all by itself? I'd prefer: the head of tangled blond hair.
Also, 'on the pillow' gives no indication where she is in relation to him. It's clearer as: "on the pillow next to him"
When you say 'so he could see,' it sounds like she purposely rolled over so he could look at her lips...which probably isn't what you meant.
Since they are already in bed, I assume they already...got it on, which begs the question: what pending (or ongoing) decision is the voice of reason questioning him about? Which makes me think it's either Michael popping the question or having an affair.
If the former, I'd read a little more. If the latter, I'd drop the book.
Not a bad opening, but not the usual opening for my favorite books. It would depend on where this is shelved. I like that he's stopping to think, brownie points there, but I'd love to see a fun pulled by sentence five.
ReplyDeleteAre we jumping right into a sex or murder scene? I might read on to see if he answers the voice of reason or tells it where to go. It's a pretty good start. Rather poetic.
ReplyDeleteThe last two words of the second sentence are both awkwardly put and a little creepy. It appears that Michael is about to abduct the girl, but the full lips description makes it seem more like a seduction. The conflicting messages confuse me. The first sentence hooks me, while the second one doesn’t.
ReplyDeleteThere's not a lot of action or tension in here, but I would read a few more lines at least to see where this is going. If it's just leading up to some kind of sappy declaration of love, I probably wouldn't read on.
ReplyDelete