Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 40

“I’m gonna find whatever damned satellite this stupid GPS is bouncing off of, and kick it’s ass right out of orbit,” Jason grumbled as yet another ‘You have left the recommended route’ message flashed across the face of his Magellan. Of course he just had to get lost, in the backwoods of Who Knows Where, on a rainy night that even Noah and his stupid ark would have hidden from.
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12 comments:

  1. JS BangsDecember 3, 2008 at 1:46 PM

    I like this. Cheeky and good voice.

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  2. Jeannie RueschDecember 3, 2008 at 2:17 PM

    The voice pulls me right in-- it's lots of fun. I love it.

    (One grammar note: 'kick it's ass' should be 'kick its ass')

    I want more of this.

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  3. AnonymousDecember 3, 2008 at 2:38 PM

    There are a lot of phrases and commas here. Maybe tighten the second sentence so the reader has time to recover from everything they absorbed in the first one: He was lost in the backwoods of Who Knows Where, on a rainy night that even Noah and his stupid ark would have hidden from.

    But I like it.

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  4. UnknownDecember 3, 2008 at 3:01 PM

    Needs a few words trimmed to read smooth and easy, but still quite fun.

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  5. AnonymousDecember 3, 2008 at 3:10 PM

    I tend to agree with Wulf here. This is really fun and I laughed out loud when I read it but it seems a bit wordy. See if you can go back and cut a bit, particularly in the last "rainy night" part. I would keep reading.

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  6. AnonymousDecember 3, 2008 at 7:01 PM

    *laughs* This is why women ask for directions.

    I would read on...

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  7. AnonymousDecember 3, 2008 at 7:11 PM

    Great voice. I'd read more.

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  8. MercDecember 3, 2008 at 8:34 PM

    Haha! Yes, I love the voice. Also good set up and despite the length, I really enjoyed this and would read on.

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  9. AnonymousDecember 3, 2008 at 9:27 PM

    A bit long but I like the voice. I'd read on to see how bad the MC's day gets.

    Hooked. :)

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  10. BethleneDecember 3, 2008 at 9:44 PM

    Long sentences. I'd read on to see if the next part makes me laugh like these do. It's intriguing, being lost in a storm.

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  11. AnonymousDecember 4, 2008 at 3:42 AM

    Great voice! A bit wordy, but the voice would make me read on.

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  12. Anette J KresDecember 4, 2008 at 10:02 AM

    *chuckles* The voice and attitude in this peak my interest. I don’t like that “who knows where” is capitalized and it looks like there should only be one comma in the second sentence, right after “Of course” Even though your first sentence is long, it flows well. ‘Gratz!

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