“I know things have been difficult since your mother’s death. However, normality will return,” Jento said, and then sat back in his chair and sipped the thick, black wine.
This could work great if there was a reaction -- if our narrator (presumably the person spoken to?) were to sauce up his POV with some wit and sarcasm in reply to the statement.
It'd work great too if it turned out that "normality" was in fact a dunderhead comment by the speaker who wants to sound profound.
The thick, black wine sounds gross. Might continue to read to find out more. I'm guessing this is fantasy based on the comment, "normality will return." No one actually talks like that, do they?
The black wine piqued my interest, but not much else did. Maybe sentence three is the POV character's response and we'll find out something interesting there? (You know, if you wanted to you could perk up that second sentence by introducing the POV character's response right there in a more intimate, subjective description of Jento's behavior.... Just a thought. :-) )
Sad beginning. I don't think I'd read on. You need to give just a little more of the difficulties or how it will return to normal more than the sipping of wine.
The line However, normality will return sounded awkward and forced. Ditto on the comments that nothing is happening in the present moment, just introduction of backstory.
Most people don’t start sentences with “however” when speaking. Love the name Jento. Black wine? Interesting. With the black wine reference, I suddenly think of Jento as something other than human. Thick viscous black wine makes me think vampire. The first sentence seems to just be there for info. Parental deaths are done so much in books that it’s hard not to roll my eyes, especially with it in the first line. Slipping it in a little further on might help ease it in.
Nothing interesting enough about the first sentences to keep me reading. Sorry
ReplyDeleteBlack wine...that's interesting, but not much action or intrigue here.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on to see if anything more exciting happens.
Would somebody really say "normality will return" ? Or would they say, "But everything will get back to normal." ?
ReplyDeleteI'd lose the first sentence and find a place for it later. Normality? Normalcy?
ReplyDeleteThis could work great if there was a reaction -- if our narrator (presumably the person spoken to?) were to sauce up his POV with some wit and sarcasm in reply to the statement.
ReplyDeleteIt'd work great too if it turned out that "normality" was in fact a dunderhead comment by the speaker who wants to sound profound.
Black wine? Hmmm.... I might actually read on for the black wine. The rest I don't care about. Save me from tragic souls with dead parents!
ReplyDeleteThe thick, black wine sounds gross. Might continue to read to find out more. I'm guessing this is fantasy based on the comment, "normality will return." No one actually talks like that, do they?
ReplyDeleteI think normality should be normalcy.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really hooked as nothing interesting is happening. I assume Jento is being an inconsiderate jerk here, but there's nothing to show that.
The black wine piqued my interest, but not much else did. Maybe sentence three is the POV character's response and we'll find out something interesting there? (You know, if you wanted to you could perk up that second sentence by introducing the POV character's response right there in a more intimate, subjective description of Jento's behavior.... Just a thought. :-) )
ReplyDeleteSad beginning. I don't think I'd read on. You need to give just a little more of the difficulties or how it will return to normal more than the sipping of wine.
ReplyDeleteThe line However, normality will return sounded awkward and forced. Ditto on the comments that nothing is happening in the present moment, just introduction of backstory.
ReplyDeleteMost people don’t start sentences with “however” when speaking. Love the name Jento. Black wine? Interesting. With the black wine reference, I suddenly think of Jento as something other than human. Thick viscous black wine makes me think vampire. The first sentence seems to just be there for info. Parental deaths are done so much in books that it’s hard not to roll my eyes, especially with it in the first line. Slipping it in a little further on might help ease it in.
ReplyDelete