TITLE: Break Free
GENRE: YA fantasy
Self-proclaimed “bad boy” Kiel Reaux is one delivery away from earning his freedom when he’s captured by slavers and forced to lead a priestess through a murderous magic jungle. But when old debtors come to collect, earning his freedom is the least of Kiel’s problems. Freedom means nothing if he’s dead.
I'm confused about the freedom. He doesn't have it to start and then he loses what he doesn't have when he's captured again? And what is he delivering and why is he the one who has to guide the priestess? You need to connect these things so we understand why ONLY he can take this journey.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Was he a slave before, and then captured to be a slave again? I'm not sure what you mean in the first sentence by freedom. Also, what qualifies him to escort a priestess through a magical jungle? Maybe mention the reason he's captured to lead her (because he has a very particular set of skills, skills he has acquired over a very long career, skills that make him a nightmare for people like them...) Anyway, that's what I think.
ReplyDeletea slave is made someone else's slave, and he still thinks he's going to get free? And how can a jungle be murderous, is it sentient?
ReplyDeleteI don't get it. Extraneous and conflicting details and things that come out of nowhere.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, the opening made me think we're talking about a contemporary pizza delivery guy with an attitude but now he's a slave and there are priestesses and magic jungles? The jungle is sentient? (Otherwise it couldn't be murderous.) Old debtors collecting took me back to the contemporary picture and I'm thinking loan shark. And when was his life in danger to the point that the last sentence makes any sense? (Are we still talking about the jungle? I thought he was past that and on to the loan shark's enforcers.)
I don't like someone who proclaims themselves as anything...much less a "bad boy." So, he's our hero and I want to root for him. Perhaps there is another clever two-word adjective you can come up with.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think you'd be better off describing that he's in trouble and/or is a messenger-type person *before* you say he's one delivery away from anything. That there was confusing upon first read.
So, he already doesn't have his "freedom", then he's captured by slavers. So, he's a slave who's been enslaved by someone else. Again, this is convoluted here, though I'm sure you flesh it out in your MS.
I understand he's now in a murderous magic jungle. Sounds like a bad place. So, his debtors come a-calling there? They aren't a-skert of the place? If the debtors aren't scared to go there, why should we be worried for the hero heading there?
So, those are the thoughts I had. I hope you can use these thoughts to tweak it ...that's all it needs, since the story itself sounds really fun and exciting.
Delivery of what? Freedom from what? I sense this is a character-driven piece and I like that but am confused about his situation.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Courtney that the "bad boy" lead-in was a turnoff, as it seems irrelevant to his struggle and is uninteresting as a trait to me.
ReplyDeleteI didn't understand how Kiel could be one delivery away from freedom and then be put into another slavery. Did you mean he had a bad job and then was kidnapped into real slavery? Clearing that up would seriously help the log/pitch.
I had the same confusion/concerns about "bad boy" and freedom/slavery that others mentioned. Also, a debtor is someone who owes you money. People he owes money (or something else) to are his creditors.
ReplyDeleteI like this--I like the writing style, the voice, and the implied setting ("magic jungle" does a lot for me), but I, too, am uncertain as to what he's earning his freedom from. From his parents? From his indentured servitude? From debt?
ReplyDeleteI didn't have as many issues as the others, but see their points. I was intrigued, myself, and would have kept reading. I think the story is probably there, you just have to clarify the log line to make it more precise.
ReplyDeleteI liked how the voice came through in this logline, even though some of the elements confused me. See how you can address the freedom-or-no-freedom situation presented at first. I enjoyed the last two lines best.
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone so so much for the help! I'm not great at writing logline and pitches anyway, and being too close to the MS does not help. Now i can see where i lose people who are not familiar with the story and can work on fixing these issues.
ReplyDeleteYou guys rock!