Clouds of dead souls are trapped in the skies of Erion. Rhanee must find a way to free them before Dorrek beats her to it and claims ultimate power as his reward.
Interesting. It might be a little sparse. Are these soul-clouds a new problem that Rhanee discovers, or something that's always been around? Is she also seeking ultimate power or something less selfish? Dorrek sounds like the sort of villain worth fighting against, but I'm not yet sure if Rhanee is a heroine worth rooting for. I'm definitely intrigued by the glimpse at the world-building. Good luck!
Sounds like a cool story, but I think you should describe the characters instead of naming them. We don't know who Dorrek or Rhanee are, or what Erion is (is that the world they live in?) Also why would Dorrek claiming ultimate power be a problem? At this point we're not informed of whether this guy is evil or not. Just some thoughts.
I like how you include world-building elements so naturally and succinctly. That leaves room to add some of the character things matril suggests. I'd especially like to be sure Rhanee's motives are more altruistic. Unlike the other commenters, I don't think you need to say why Dorrek claiming ultimate power is bad. Anybody having (or even wanting) ultimate power seems self-evidently bad.
in all the years, no one has been able to do this, and now two people can and the results could be ultimate power? Also, how could freeing dead souls give ultimate power? Why does she want it for her self?
The clouds of souls sound like a very cool hook. If you can tie that to a good understanding of what power they offer, and why Rhanee should have it rather than Dorrek, you could have a winner here. Good luck!
I like your first line, but I agree with Holly about not seeing the connection between the dead souls and ultimate power. And if Dorrek is a bad wizard, or her evil stepbrother, or something like that I think you should state that instead of his name. Otherwise, it's a lot of proper names to handle at once. Great job though!
I like this premise quite a bit. Why do they have to free them? And does she want the power for herself if she beats Dorrek? And do they have special powers?
You received some great feedback. I'm the one who thinks no names should be used, but weigh the pros and cons for yourself. The rub is that we're not in love with your characters yet, so why try and force it? Lots of potential here, but identify the conflict and the ultimate goal.
Funny- I used the name Dorrek in my mystery, only spelled a bit differently. Dorreks are just bad people!
You're so close with this- and congrats on the brevity- but you are an instance where a few more words are needed. We need that connection, the why our good gal needs to succeed, and you got it!
Too bad we can't use: When good person meets up with bad person, all heck breaks loose unless good person beats the &%$! out of bad person. Because that's what so many stories boil down to, including mine!
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Interesting. It might be a little sparse. Are these soul-clouds a new problem that Rhanee discovers, or something that's always been around? Is she also seeking ultimate power or something less selfish? Dorrek sounds like the sort of villain worth fighting against, but I'm not yet sure if Rhanee is a heroine worth rooting for. I'm definitely intrigued by the glimpse at the world-building. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteSounds like a cool story, but I think you should describe the characters instead of naming them. We don't know who Dorrek or Rhanee are, or what Erion is (is that the world they live in?) Also why would Dorrek claiming ultimate power be a problem? At this point we're not informed of whether this guy is evil or not. Just some thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAnd is the ultimate power a magic of some sort? Would he be declared leader? Why is this a bad thing?
ReplyDeleteI don't see the connection between the dead souls and ultimate power. Your antagonist's motivation (and her obstacles) need to be more tangible.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I like how you include world-building elements so naturally and succinctly. That leaves room to add some of the character things matril suggests. I'd especially like to be sure Rhanee's motives are more altruistic. Unlike the other commenters, I don't think you need to say why Dorrek claiming ultimate power is bad. Anybody having (or even wanting) ultimate power seems self-evidently bad.
ReplyDeletein all the years, no one has been able to do this, and now two people can and the results could be ultimate power? Also, how could freeing dead souls give ultimate power? Why does she want it for her self?
ReplyDeleteThe clouds of souls sound like a very cool hook. If you can tie that to a good understanding of what power they offer, and why Rhanee should have it rather than Dorrek, you could have a winner here. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like your first line, but I agree with Holly about not seeing the connection between the dead souls and ultimate power. And if Dorrek is a bad wizard, or her evil stepbrother, or something like that I think you should state that instead of his name. Otherwise, it's a lot of proper names to handle at once. Great job though!
ReplyDeleteInteresting concept! I agree with Holly--I want to know how ultimate power comes into it. And I would like to know who Dorrek is rather than his name.
ReplyDeleteI like this premise quite a bit. Why do they have to free them? And does she want the power for herself if she beats Dorrek? And do they have special powers?
ReplyDeleteYou received some great feedback. I'm the one who thinks no names should be used, but weigh the pros and cons for yourself. The rub is that we're not in love with your characters yet, so why try and force it? Lots of potential here, but identify the conflict and the ultimate goal.
ReplyDeleteFunny- I used the name Dorrek in my mystery, only spelled a bit differently. Dorreks are just bad people!
ReplyDeleteYou're so close with this- and congrats on the brevity- but you are an instance where a few more words are needed. We need that connection, the why our good gal needs to succeed, and you got it!
Too bad we can't use: When good person meets up with bad person, all heck breaks loose unless good person beats the &%$! out of bad person. Because that's what so many stories boil down to, including mine!
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ReplyDelete