TITLE: The Duct Tape, Cereal Box Knight
GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy
Eleven year old science geek and creative recycler George Argos has a secret. After school he wraps himself in a suit of armor he’s making from duct tape and cereal boxes. It’s the only thing that makes him feel better after another horrible day of being taunted by Hunter Dunlop and his snarky sidekick Todd for being so big and so–sensitive. A year younger, a foot taller than popular kids like Hunter and Todd, no one seems to understand why he’d rather organize sea shell collection than dive into organized sports. When George unites two halves of an oyster shell together to be categorized his collection, he unwittingly sets off a chain reaction of magical, environmentally catastrophic events that only he can stop. But that means facing a sinister dragon who bares more than a passing resemblance to Hunter Dunlop.
This setup is cute but it's way too long and not really necessary. The only things we need to know are that he's afraid of Hunter and that be collects shells. After that, you need to tell us WHY he is the only one who can stop the dragon (and possibly what this has to do with a seashell catastrophe).
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
Holly
Too long. I would start with the last two sentences. Change "When George" to "When eleven-year-old science geek George" or another description like that, and add a brief descriptor for Hunter Dunlop. That will make for the more concise logline you want to aim for. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteYOu don't need to tell us his secret to let us know that he is bullied. OK, he sets off a number of events, why is it only he can stop them? Why is it important that this dragon look lie the bully?
ReplyDeleteAs others have mentioned, this is much too long and too full of unnecessary details. I'm also a bit concerned about some of the writing. For example, you have a dangling participle (A year younger, a foot taller than popular kids like Hunter and Todd, no one seems to understand....)and something is wrong with "when George unites two halves of an oyster shell together to be categorized his collection," but I'm not sure what. A missing word, maybe? If you weed out what you don't need and clean up the grammar, the premise will shine through. And the premise of a gentle giant fighting a dragon who looks like the school bully seems like it would be fun to read.
ReplyDeleteSooooo much you don't need.
ReplyDeleteTry something like:
"When eleven year old science geek and creative recycler George Argos unites two halves of an oyster shell, he unwittingly sets off a chain reaction of magical, environmentally catastrophic events. To stop it, he'll have to face a sinister dragon who bares more than a passing resemblance to the school bully he fears." (That last phrase is lame, but you know what I mean.)
Also, I think you mean "bears" a resemblance rather than "bares" (snicker at the mental image I just got.)
I agree with Holly that it's too long for what it relays - Sent2 and Sent3 have the meat of the premise. The premise is very cute, and the duct tape armor is a great character trait. Just need to cut out what gets in the way of the charm - we should get to whatever the catastrophe is sooner, and know what the catastrophe is.
ReplyDeleteThanks guys, these are such helpful comments. I took another stab at it:
ReplyDeleteAn icon painting of St. George the Knight comes alive for a giant eleven year old science geek when he discovers a pearl in his dead grandfather’s seashell collection and loses it to the school bully. Now he has 48 hours to get it back or the world will be destroyed a sinister dragon reeking havoc global weather patterns.
Ugh--Sorry for the grammar, I pulled the trigger to fast.
ReplyDeleteHere it is again:
An icon painting of St. George the Knight comes alive for a geeky, giant eleven year old when he discovers a pearl in his dead grandfather’s seashell collection and loses it to the school bully. Now he has 48 hours to get it back or the world will be destroyed BY a sinister dragon reeking havoc ON global weather patterns.
Nice job on the revision, although it feels a little bland. The first sentence takes too long to get to the point: losing the pearl to the school bully. We don't need to know about the painting coming to life, we just need to know that something set off some bizarre magical, dangerous events.
ReplyDelete"Reeking havoc" is a havoc that stinks; I think you meant to use "wreaking havoc". ;) Leah's suggestion does a better job capturing the fun of your premise. Your book sounds like a true treat!
This sounds like a very interesting premise, and I agree with Bonnie about using something similar to Leah's suggestion. It's just a tighter version of your original, which captured the fun of your story. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks again everyone. Do you all think this would be too bland:
ReplyDeletelogline: The myth of St. George and the Dragon comes alive for a boy who must tame his temper, confront a bully and a dragon, and save the world.
I could use the rest below in the pitch...
When eleven year old gentle giant George Argos unites two halves of an oyster shell, he unwittingly sets off a chain reaction of storms that threaten to flood the world. To stop the catastrophy, he'll have to face a sinister dragon who bears more than a passing resemblance to the school bully he fears.
jJust a thought...