TITLE: SAVANT
GENRE: YA alternate history
In 1924, the Great War ends with Texas turning Mexican, and the US scrambles to protect its borders by enhancing the minds of its sharpest young citizens. Pallas Keller risks persecution and, even worse, ridicule to become the first female savant, just as a charming con man targets her in his latest scam.
You need to neaten your grammar, and unfortunately I've no idea what a savant is, so the importance of her goal is lost.
ReplyDeleteThese two lines don't have any connection to each other. What does becoming Mexican have to do with her and the con man? You need to tell us what she wants and who s going to try to stop her from getting it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I agree with the other comments. There is some confusing info here. Is Texas turning into Mexico, because Texas turning Mexican doesn't make sense to me? I'm interested in the alternative history of it, but I almost sounds like two different stories when the final sentences is brought in. I think you can expand more about the historical part and leave out the con man. Jmo.
ReplyDeleteA state or plot of land can't turn Mexican; it can become part of Mexico. However, I'm not seeing the connection between that and the rest of the logline. Also, you'll need to define savant in the context of your novel.
ReplyDeleteFYI - savant is a relatively new word. It's short for "Marilyn vos Savant" who is still alive and achieved an unheard of IQ score. (which can never be matched as the test was altered after she achieved it)
ReplyDeleteI think you need to rephrase the first sentence with "Texas is claimed by Mexico" because "turning Mexican" doesn't really make sense.
ReplyDeleteFor the rest of it, I'm wondering if there is a magical component that should be shown in the genre? Becoming the first female savant is a little confusing - savants are probably born, not achieved? and whether the term was used, there probably were female savants before this time?
The con man seems like a side story, not the primary antagonist, so I'm not sure I'd mention him in a short logline.
But love the alternate history concept.
Thanks for the feedback! I hadn't realized how disparate the two setences were. If anyone wants to look at an updated version, how about:
ReplyDeleteIn 1924, the Great War ends with Texas belonging to Mexico, and the US protects its borders by creating intellectually enhanced savants out of its brightest young citizens. Pallas Keller risks persecution and, even worse, ridicule, to become the first female savant, just as a charming con man targets her in his latest scam.
I appreciate your comments!
Anon--'Savant' has been in use since the early eighteenth century. It's the old present participle of the French savoir, to know. It's just a sweet coincidence that Ask Marilyn has that name.
ReplyDeleteBased on revised version:
ReplyDeleteThe major question I have is why the intellectually enhanced people would be protecting the borders and not gun wielding militia.
Another thought I had was why ridicule is worse than persecution. Not sure if you need the con man bit in the logline... I think it might be just a bit too much.
Hope this helps... and I love alternate history and YA... so your story premise is like a peanut butter cup to me! (That's a good thing!)
Your revision is much stronger and cleaner. I suggest taking out the ridicule clause. Other than, it's good.
ReplyDeletehttp://makeyourbookamovie.com/building-the-perfect-logline-for-your-book-screenplay-or-other-story/441/
ReplyDeleteCheck this out - sorry for repeating this website on feedback, but it REALLY help me. I get the savant thing because I work in mental health but I guess most people don't. Another descriptor?
Try this: In a parallel universe where Texas is still Mexico . . .
Really neat premise - this takes guts to pull off and lots of intellect. Go for it!
Better. I still don't see how the con man bit fits in if the other stuff's what's important. Also, "persecution" could mean a whole range of things from embarrassment to violence. Without clarifying that, it's weak as a threat.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others about the confusion of a savant and Texas turning Mexican and a con man. Good luck.
ReplyDelete'Savant' has been around for a long time, although I generally see it as "idiot savant", which tells you what kind of stuff I read!
ReplyDeleteI like the first sentence of the revision much better, but the second isn't quite there yet. I agree the con man may be secondary, so maybe skip him. Interesting POV about using intellect instead of force. If it works, let the government know, please!
Great job on the revision! I also wonder how the border is protected by savants and what type of persecution Pallas faces. You have enough going on there to forgo the con man.
ReplyDeleteFor me, the details about Texas being part of Mexico feels extra and it confuses what the story is about since this is what you lead with.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest starting with something like "In an alternate 1924, the US is desperate to protect it's borders...
We still get what the need is without having to think too hard about it.
I like the beginning of the revised logline. It does a good job of explaining the term. However, "persecution" is too vague to a a credible antagonist. Leave out the con man and add a strong detail about what's stopping her.
ReplyDeleteOops, that's me above. Didn't mean to be anonymous!
ReplyDeleteHer problem (according to the log line) is that she will 'risk' ridicule. That isn't big enough.
ReplyDeleteReading between the lines, I can figure out there's more to it than that, but you're not saying what it is.
What is her goal as a savant? What is it her government expects her to do, and what gets in the way of her doing that?