TITLE: Deathless
GENRE: YA Fantasy
17-year-old fugitive, Zifa Matarah, is a Farookhi; an almost immortal descendant of nine warrior goddesses who attempted and failed to conquer her country, Otera. For over a thousand years, her kind has been under a death sentence – any girl found to have the golden blood of the Farookhi is subject to a swift and true death. When an ancient enemy threatens Otera, Zifa has to decide what is more important, survival as a fugitive, or fighting for her country, and for everything she holds dear.
I really like the sound of this and i enjoy what i see to be her conflict, that she's a fugitive because of her nature, but that nature can save her country. I think i'd like a bit more regarding this ancient enemy that threatens Otera, because threatens can mean a lot of different things, so maybe some specifics there would add a nice little punch.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, though, great job. I'd read this
It is hard to understand why a woman would value a country that would kill her just for being who she is. That aside, this sounds like a great idea for a story, and your logline makes me want to read it.
ReplyDeleteI like this but if you can tighten the first half and give me more of the enemy/tension, it might have more hook.
ReplyDeleteToo long in my opinion. Focus on the last line, it has great potential as a log line.
ReplyDeleteOh, the dreaded decision...
ReplyDeleteTell us what she actually needs to do here in order to consider herself done. A decision is more of an obstacle than a goal and you need stakes on both sides of it in order to show that it is a strong obstacle. What does she have to lose if she chooses wrong?
Good luck!
Holly
This does sound interesting, but I think it's too long. This would be a good query paragraph. The last line might work as a starting point for the logline but it would need some tightening and a bit more bang for the decision.
ReplyDeleteMaybe a little long, but held my interest and I'd want to read to learn more. The last sentence is a little vague - but I completely understand how difficult it is to get that conflict statement without wanting to blow the whole thing up with another 50 words!
ReplyDeleteGood job!
Can you include something as to why she'd want to defend this country? If she's so incredibly altruistic as to love a place that wants her dead, it could be a second hook.
ReplyDeleteI think this is waay too long...
ReplyDeleteI really like it. I'd want to read more. However, I feel that the intro was a bit too long.
ReplyDeleteInteresting, but...
ReplyDeleteHow can you be an ALMOST immortal?
Doesn't seem logical that a teen (or anyone else) would lose her life fighting for such a prejudiced country who wants her dead. What is the motivation? What not move to somewhere where you're valued?
I agree that it's too long, but there are definite stakes and I think if you focus on tightening up the last sentence, you can have a great logline. (My logline was too long, too, so I posted a revised version in the comments.)
ReplyDeleteHmmm...it's an interesting premise, but the first sentence turned me off. You have a first and last name that are uncommon, the name of her race, which is unusual, and the name of her country (again, not the norm). This was a bit of fictional name overload for me.
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise, but I agree with Sarah that all the unfamiliar names was hard to digest. The "everything she holds dear" is cliche to me, and I think I'd like a clearer picture of the conflict and what exactly is at stake for Zifa.
ReplyDeleteNice effort. You've got a lot going on and I feel your pain in trying to "capture" the whole novel in what seems like very few words! I agree with all posts - too much going on with names. What makes her different from the long line of matriarchs who failed? Check out Stephen King's Bag of Bones - same premise - generations of girls are cursed, but one finally survives.
ReplyDeleteHey guys, thanks so much for all your wonderful insights. I am having such difficulty figuring out which way to approach the logline. How about these?
ReplyDeleteWhen an army of ancient monsters threatens to overrun her country, 17-year-old fugitive immortal, Zifa Matarah, must make a decision – continue hiding from the government that has already tried to execute her nine times, or fight for her country, and hopefully win her freedom after the war is over.
or....
When an army of ancient monsters threatens to overrun her country, 17-year-old fugitive immortal, Zifa Matarah, joins the army to win a reprieve from her death sentence, only to discover that the monsters are not the horrendous beasts she thought they were, and that worse, she herself may very well be one of them.
I agree with the others about focusing on the last sentence as the log line.
ReplyDeleteThis is actually one of my favorites out of the 40 on here. Yes, the logline needs some tweaking but you kept my attention, I'm interested in your novel, and I want to read more. Good luck in tightening it up! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI'm voting for the second revision!
ReplyDeleteOnly with a few minor changes, of course (and you thought you were going to get off easy):
When an army of ancient monsters threatens to overrun her country, Zifa, a 17-year-old fugitive immortal, joins the army to win a reprieve from her death sentence, only to discover the monsters are not the horrendous beasts she thought they were, and that she herself may be one of them.
Good story!
I think this is too long for a logline. Answer this:
ReplyDelete1. Who is the main character and what does he/she want?
2. Who (villain) or what is standing in the way of the main character?
3. What makes this story unique?
I'm with DJ and voting on the second revision (both were nicely done). Your initial entry, as others have said, takes too long to get to that LOVE IT last line, and the number of names introduced (although this is fantasy) makes a reader work harder.
ReplyDeleteI like the second revision too and agree with the tweaks by DJ to tighten the last sentence. Her being one of the monsters is a great twist and this is something I would like to read.
ReplyDeleteI would be really interested in reading this, but yes, too long. I would aim to cut it by 25 - 50%.
ReplyDeleteI would be really interested in reading this, but yes, too long. I would aim to cut it by 25 - 50%.
ReplyDeleteThe first half seems to be explaining the back story. Perhaps eliminate it and begin with the story - When an ancient enemy etc.
ReplyDeleteSeemed like too much backstory before it gets to the point. The last sentence could be the logline on it's own.
ReplyDeleteI also liked the second revision. My only concern was the juxtaposition of immortal and death sentence. Could you leave out immortal?
ReplyDeleteI agree with Abbe. You literally cannot be immortal and die.
ReplyDeleteI think it's too long. Also question how one can be "almost immortal."
ReplyDelete