Fifteen-year-old Ghost Hunter Marcus Blackwell must help Jennifer
Strange with her unique ability to touch ghosts before a wraith
threatens to destroy his entire family.
Fifteen-year-old Ghost Hunter Marcus Blackwell must help Jennifer Strange with her unique ability to touch ghosts before a wraith threatens to destroy his entire family.
This is too long and I don't see how his feelings will stop him from meeting his goal. Also, this ghost child seems to come out of nowhere. You need to connect all of the obstacles with the goal in a clear and precise way.
Simplify and clarify, also there are some small grammar problems. Why does his feelings cause a problem? Why does his grandmother need a medium? Why isn't that need enough to interest us in the story, which it should be.
Sorry, I saw the shorter logline above but assumed it came from a someone other than the writer.
The shorter one is better but you need a more tangible goal than "help". What does he actually need her to do in order to stop and say "I am done!"? For example, does he need to help her talk to dead people so she can ask his deceased grandfather to do X before the rest of the family is destroyed? This is a bad example but the point is that it has to be specific and it needs an end.
Like Leah, I don't see a connection between helping this girl and saving his family. Does touching ghosts mean she'll be able to fight the wraith? The cause and effect need to be more clear.
Also as Leah mentioned, drop "threatens." If there's danger, the wraith is already threatening. Just say "before a wraith destroys his family."
Are Jennifer and the wraith connected? How does Marcus feel about helping Jennifer? Is Jennifer willing to accept his help? Give us some insight into how these characters feel about their situation so we can connect with the story better.
My questions reflect some of the comments above. Why is the wraith trying to destroy his family and why will Jennifer's ability help him stop this from happening?
Here's a better logline:
ReplyDeleteFifteen-year-old Ghost Hunter Marcus Blackwell must help Jennifer Strange with her unique ability to touch ghosts before a wraith threatens to destroy his entire family.
Sorry for the longer pitch!
This is too long and I don't see how his feelings will stop him from meeting his goal. Also, this ghost child seems to come out of nowhere. You need to connect all of the obstacles with the goal in a clear and precise way.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Hi Holly - do you mean the log line I posted in the comments or the above pitch? I got confused between log lines and pitches sorry!
ReplyDeleteSimplify and clarify, also there are some small grammar problems. Why does his feelings cause a problem? Why does his grandmother need a medium? Why isn't that need enough to interest us in the story, which it should be.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I saw the shorter logline above but assumed it came from a someone other than the writer.
ReplyDeleteThe shorter one is better but you need a more tangible goal than "help". What does he actually need her to do in order to stop and say "I am done!"? For example, does he need to help her talk to dead people so she can ask his deceased grandfather to do X before the rest of the family is destroyed? This is a bad example but the point is that it has to be specific and it needs an end.
On the logline in the comments:
ReplyDelete"Must help Jennifer Strange with her unique ability" conveys no particular meaning and thus generates no interest in the reader.
And "before a wraith threatens" means the wraith isn't threatening them yet. Which means there's no danger.
Also, there's no sense of why this girl connects to his family at all. So why would she accept his help? Or help him?
Like Leah, I don't see a connection between helping this girl and saving his family. Does touching ghosts mean she'll be able to fight the wraith? The cause and effect need to be more clear.
ReplyDeleteAlso as Leah mentioned, drop "threatens." If there's danger, the wraith is already threatening. Just say "before a wraith destroys his family."
"Before a wraith threatens" doesn't present immediate tension. How must he "help" Jennifer? Two small revisions could make this a great logline.
ReplyDeleteI read this and asked, "Why?" Why does he have to help her and why would the wraith threaten to destroy his family? Are the 2 events connected?
ReplyDeleteAre Jennifer and the wraith connected? How does Marcus feel about helping Jennifer? Is Jennifer willing to accept his help? Give us some insight into how these characters feel about their situation so we can connect with the story better.
ReplyDeleteMy questions reflect some of the comments above. Why is the wraith trying to destroy his family and why will Jennifer's ability help him stop this from happening?
ReplyDeleteWhen fifteen-year-old Marcus realizes there's a wraith stalking his family his only hope is a girl who can touch ghosts and who refuses to trust him.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I am not good at this, but there's an attempt.