Wednesday, January 14, 2009

24 SECRET AGENT

Title: Ghost Dog of Roanoke Island

Genre: Middle Grade


CREEEEAAAKKK!


Jack stiffened, his eyes searching the eerie shadows of the front room. Nothing stirred.


“Good grief, Jack,” he said to himself, his shaky voice echoing off the bare walls. “There’s no ghost here to scare the heebee geebees out of you.”


He slammed tape on the cardboard box in front of him and slumped against the worn cushions of the couch, scowling as he thought back to the taunting whispers at school.


“There’s nothing haunted about this place,” he growled. “Those kids are stupid! It’s just a broken-down house”


Jack took a deep breath, trying to steady his nervous stomach.


“Well, it doesn’t matter now. We’re leaving.” He stared at the stack of boxes against the wall. “And I’m glad. I can’t wait to get off this island. We shouldn’t have come here in the first place. Ohio is home. Ohio will always be home.”


For a moment, Jack’s spirits lifted. Summerville didn’t have a ‘haunted’ house. It didn’t have a creepy cliff. And Ohio didn’t have hurricanes … like the one forecast to hit tomorrow.


Jack stared at the slivers of grey light filtering through the boards they’d put up this morning to protect the windows from the coming storm.


“Where are you, Dad? We’ve got to get on the road.”


He headed for the front door and reached for the doorknob, his hand stopping in midair. His eyes widened. The door rattled violently, shaking on its hinges, a deafening howl roaring on the other side.

24 comments:

  1. I liked the ending! Hooked!

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  2. I would read on to see if he gets off the island like he wants. I also want to know if it's haunted. I like how you have him trying to be brave, when he's obviously scared and upset. Makes for a good, brave MC.

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  3. I like the idea of a ghost dog. Hooked.

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  4. I think this has potential, but needs some refining. Some of the language doesn't feel authentic to me, like 'Good Grief' and 'Heebie jeebies,' but that's just me. I like the idea of the hurricane coming, and the last para really cranks up the tension. There's just a bit too much melencoly here for the opening to really take off, so I'd just weed dome of it out so you can get onto the meat of the story. Hope this helps!

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  5. Creepy good start to a an MG ghost story. I'm definitely interested in seeing what happens to Jack next. I think your writing style is on par with the readers you're aiming at. Good work.

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  6. I'd definitely read on after that last sentence. Ghost dog, what a cool title.

    I don't know how keen I am about a kid who talks out loud to himself. When kids are scared, I think they want to make as little noise as possible. Those quotes would work equally well as thoughts, I think.

    And I agree with Angela - "good grief" and "heebee jeebees" doesn't sound right to me.

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  7. I'd read on--I like Jack's habit of talking to himself, and it makes for a highly readable mix of action, dialogue, thought and back story.

    I also like the way we get into the first crisis of the story right away, with the hurricane and the realization that Jack's dad is gone. And the title lets us know there'll be more than a hurricane for Jack to deal with.

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  8. Good ending to this, but to be honest, I think you could have gotten there a bit sooner. If you could cut out maybe half of the first bit and get to the last lines sooner, I think I would be well and truly hooked.

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  9. Not bad. There's some really good stuff in there. It reads very natural, but I just don't think it's my genre, so I can't get into it!

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  10. Nice work, but could use a little tidying up. You had choppy sentences in spots, and also my eyeballs caught the following 'sentence'.

    -----------------------------

    He slammed tape on the cardboard box in front of him and slumped against the worn cushions of the couch, scowling as he thought back to the taunting whispers at school.

    ---------------------------=

    Lotsa verbs in there.... and this should be more than one sentence.

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  11. I liked this. I would definately read more.

    I don't think a kid would say good grief, and heebie jeebies when trying to convince himself not to be scared.

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  12. Atmospheric, but some things tripped me up. Why is he reassuring himself the house isn't haunted when he's about to leave it (makes me wonder what's been going on while he's actually been there). And where is Summerville? I don't quite have my bearings and this stops me fully engaging.

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  13. The door rattling and the roar on the other side, definitely grab my interest. Great hook!

    I'm not a huge fan of noises in MG books (creeeeaakkk) but that's a personal preference that others don't necessarily share.

    I like to see the kid alone in a creepy house, and you have the dad gone and the clock ticking with the hurricane coming. Lot's to pull us in.

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  14. Agreed, not a fan of good grief and heebie jeebies.
    Needs a little tightening. I'd keep reading to see where this goes. Not hooked yet.

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  15. Doesn’t hook me…
    Because it felt very info dumpish… even though he’s talking, it just feels like the writer is trying to tell the reader stuff instead of the character actually living.

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  16. I would keep reading a bit more, although the story seems a little disjointed at this point. But I think some tightening could fix that issue! And I definately like the idea of ghost dog!

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  17. I'm not hooked, but I really want to be.

    Perfect MG title.

    I think the main thing that keeps me from jumping into the story is the MC's monologue. He sounds like a 70-year-old man. And I don't think he'd be talking out loud, I think he'd be thinking it in his head.

    I feel like there's two stories here: the haunted house, then the hurricane. I think if you integrate these two threads a little more you've got a great story.

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  18. Sorry, but not hooked. Jack's voice feels forced, and everything he says is rather Telling, rather than Showing. The last paragraph sounds exciting, though. Start there for a strong hook into the story!

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  19. I think you have a lot of great elements and you set up the mystery well. Some of the language,though, didn't ring true for me. "Good grief" for instance. Plus, it seemed odd for him to say so many things out loud.

    It ends well, and holds a lot of promise for what's to come.

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  20. Love it. I'm hooked. I love haunted houses and I love animal stories.

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  21. Loved it except for the noise to start. That was a tiny bit cheesey.

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  22. I really, really liked this. Well done!

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  23. A boy talking to himself to provide backstory for the reader. Hmm. Doesn't make me that interested.

    And isn't it loud and windy for several days/hours during a hurricane? Not just when he goes to leave the room? Seemed contrived to me.

    I might read a bit further to see where this was going, but I'm not in love with it.

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  24. Love the idea of a ghost dog. I'd read on.

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