Wednesday, January 14, 2009

45 SECRET AGENT

Title: Pandora
Genre: Middle Grade Light Fantasy


It was springtime, the busiest time of year on Buttermilk Farm. Spring is when the calves are born. Since Buttermilk Farm was a large dairy farm, calves were arriving day and night.

One balmy night, a tiny calf struggled to find her way into the world. Farmer Johnson and his hired hand, Verbal, stood by in the barn. Mrs. Johnson was there, too. She loved all of the cows. She even named them. Mrs. Johnson knew every cow by name, even though they all looked remarkably alike.


Mrs. Johnson decided this calf would be named Pandora if it were a girl. She wasn't sure why she picked that name. But something told her this calf would be full of surprises. As usual, Mrs. Johnson was right.


After many long hours, Pandora was born.


From the very beginning, Pandora knew she was different. She couldn't see the difference. It was the reactions of everyone around her that told her she was no ordinary cow.


The first thing Pandora heard Farmer Johnson say was, "Well, well, would you look at that?"


Mrs. Johnson said, "Oh, dearie me."


Verbal said, "What in tarnation?"


But it was her mother's reaction that told Pandora she was unusual. Pandora's mother, Buttercup, took one look at her new daughter and fell over in the straw in an earth-rattling faint. No doubt about it; there was something odd about Pandora.

33 comments:

  1. Sorry - this is supposed to be listed as Early Chapter Book.

    Thank you, Michael, for submitting this for me, and you, Authoress, for accepting it in such a convuluted way.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love the names. I like this and would read a bit more to find out how Pandora was different, but I was thrown by:

    "From the very beginning, Pandora knew she was different.

    The first thing Pandora heard Farmer Johnson say was, "Well, well, would you look at that?"

    But it was her mother's reaction that told Pandora she was unusual."

    If she was just born, she wouldn't know what their reactions meant. I think it would be stronger if you just used the Johnson's and Verbal's dialogue. And something like: "Her own mother, Buttercup, to one look at her an fainted."

    ReplyDelete
  3. The last part creates some intrigue, but the starting paragraphs about the farm don't create much interest, for me anyways. Sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It does make a difference being Early Chapter book. We read a lot of those around here.
    I like it. I do suggest, even with it going for the young kids, tightening up the first paragraph.

    Springtime was the busiest time of year on Buttermilk Farm. As a large dairy, calves were arriving day and night.
    One balmy night....

    I'd keep reading. So hooked. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Well, I'm always a sucker for animal stories! I'm intrigued to know what is different about the enticingly named Pandora - what on earth could it be . . .
    BUT: you are in a dismally crowded area of the market here; young chapter books have to be totally standout to get anywhere right now. It would take a miracle from Pandora herself to find a publishing home for this. (:o

    ReplyDelete
  6. Chapter book makes more sense. I like the lyrical writing, but I feel like you stall a bit, getting the goods out. We should get an idea why she's special by the end, not just be told by third parties that she is special, make sense?

    Tighten this up to get more of the story out and this will really pull at the reader.

    Best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  7. This is quite cute but I'm with some of the others who suggest tightening up the first paragraph. The ending made me want to know what was so different about Pandora though so I'd have to say based on that factor, I'm hooked.

    ReplyDelete
  8. It makes a huge difference being an early chapter book. THanks for letting me know. I would read on.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I agree with everyone that knowing it is actually an Early Chapter Book changes my opinion. I'd read on...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Knowing that this is an early chapter book makes much more sense. In this way I think it's cute.

    Pandora is one highly aware calf from birth (if indeed she's a calf at all).

    Sets up for an ugly duckling meets Charlotte's Web kind of story vibe. In general, I like it. Though I would be certain if I were you that you felt very comfortable with the word choices for an early chapter book. Learning readers get easily frustrated while they do enjoy challenges they can overcome.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Well yes. :-)

    I want to see what's wrong with Pandora to make her mom faint...

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm sorry, this one doesn't hook me at all. It just seems scripted and a little "too cute" for me.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I’m intrigued to find out what is different. I’d definitely read on. Maybe tighten the first paragraph a little and cut the part about Pandora knowing she’s different. Think how a baby or toddler sees the world and use that to describe Pandora’s thoughts. I think beginner readers love animal books especially if there is some mystery like this one.

    I love the name Pandora.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I like this very much. I'm hooked. What if instead of saying "spring time is a busy time at the farm," you did a little foreshadowing at first? "It was the strangest spring on buttermilk farm in the 50 years farmer's had been milking their cows there?" or something much better than that. But I love the name Pandora and I love that she's aware she's different. I want to see how this effects her and everyone else on the farm.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I really like onetiredmomma's suggestion of foreshadowing. very good story.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I don't see a problem with Pandora knowing she's "different." In fact, I think it makes much more sense for the story that she does realize it.

    Some critters have said that you should get right to it and tell us why she's different. That seems to indicate that they're hooked. So good job on that. You're wanting to hook the reader and make them read on to find out WHY she's different. If you give it away in the first 250 words, what's the point?

    I'm hooked, simply because you DIDN'T tell us why she's different - yet.

    ReplyDelete
  17. The first part of the story seemed a bit telly--a matter-of-fact set-up. However, I started to see the charm in the last half and was hooked by the last line.

    ReplyDelete
  18. The premise hooked me. I want to know why or how she is different. Watch your tense changes in the beginning. I'd suggest instead of telling us Pandora knows she is different just show us with bugging eyes and fainting Moms.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I like the idea a lot. However, I wasn't drawn in right away. The beginning was definitely too much information and presented in a sort of sing-song voice that I didn't find interesting. I also would work on your dialogue. Maybe it's just the "Oh, dearie me" part, actually. It sounded way over-the-top sweet old grandmothery. She probably is a sweet old grandmother type, but this was just too much. BUT, I AM hooked because I really want to find out why Pandora is so special. So, good job!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Ahh, I see this is supposed to be a chapter book. I would,t read on as I am uncomfortable with talking/thinking animals. I don't know about this grade level.

    ReplyDelete
  21. You lost my interest when you began the dialogue between Farmer Johnson, Mrs. Johnson, and Verbal. The dialogue portrayed them as backward hicks that lacked education. I would suggest doing research on modern farming. I thought it odd that Mrs. Johnson named her cattle. Neither me, or anyone else in our association, name our cattle. Naming livestock personalizes them and makes it more difficult to take them to market. They are however tagged for tracking records. I would also suggest portraying the dialogue as educated farmers. Modern farmers have to be well educated to stay in business. Do your research and revamp your dialogue. I don't want young readers to continue the stereotypical thought that farmers are uneducated.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'd like to thank everyone who took the time to read and comment on this. Some of your comments were especially helpful, and gave me something to think about.

    John - I apologize if you took offense at the way Pandora is presented. Perhaps you are right in your assumptions and perhaps you read something I never intended.

    Pandora began after years of visiting my close friend's dairy farm. Knowing how intelligent and successful this family is, and how educated their hired help is, helped me shape the Johnson's and Verbal. Mrs. Johnson isn't insipid, she's simply the sweetest lady you'd care to meet. Verbal works with cows all day, and is content to have little to say. Mr. Johnson is a very wise man, and his wisdom becomes more apparent as the story progresses, so it was never my intent to portrait any of them otherwise.

    As far as naming the cattle - this is aimed at a very young audience. Even so, the children in my area of the world learn from an early age what the fate of their livestock will be. They still name their 4H animals.

    Sorry if I sound defensive, just trying to explain where I'm coming from. I don't think my characters sound ignorant or unrealistic.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hooked me…
    Because it is well written for its target audience. Not too many unusual words or long sentences. I would keep reading just to know what is so special about Pandora. Oh and I love the name Verbal.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Not really working for me yet. Who's POV is this written in? Pandora's? How is that possible before the calf is even born? I think once the POV problem is straightened up, this might make a good Early Reader picture book.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I definitely wanted to find out why Pandora was diferent.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I am hooked.

    Pandora is a great name.

    I think the beginning is a little slow, even for an early chap book. Maybe start with something like, "Pandora always knew she was special. The first thing she ever heard was Farmer Johnson saying "Well, well, would you look at that?"

    Love the fainting mama!

    ReplyDelete
  27. This feels like too much telling and not enough showing. I like your premise, though, and know my daughters would love to read something like this.

    ReplyDelete
  28. It's well written and got some great stuff in it, but it didn't hook me. I can't say for sure, I think it's just not something I'd be interested in anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  29. This is pretty cute. I'm curious as to what is so different about her. depending what it is, I might read on. As of now, I can't decide if I'm hooked.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm still not through them all, but I'm not giving up!

    ReplyDelete
  31. I love Pandora stories...and this one she's a cow...wow!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Okay, so what's so different about the calf that her mother faints?

    I'm not partial to younger readers' works, so I'd only read to answer the above question.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Well, danceluvr, I'll only say this:

    Often people who look different from the average are treated differently. Beautiful people are treated with defference, while those society deem as not so beautiful are often ignored or ridiculed. So there is part of the answer.

    However, so often people who are "different" have a special something on the inside, and this is what the story of Pandora is all about.

    Sorry it doesn't interest you, but everyone's entitled to their own tastes. Thanks for posting.

    ReplyDelete