Wednesday, February 11, 2009

10 Secret Agent

TITLE: THE SEDUCTION OF LADY BELLS
GNERE: HISTORICAL ROMANCE/MEDIEVAL

"Have the messengers left?"

Willamena Ffenwyck flattened herself against the stone cold wall. Her father, Lord William Ffenwyck, was, as usual, pacing in front of the fireplace, and by the sound of his voice he was moving directly toward her hiding spot. After years of squeezing into the narrow recess between the solar and the main hall, she knew he could not see her, but she still held her breath and gripped the little bells sewn to the ends of her girdle tighter.

"They were dispatched early this morn."

"And the preparations for tonight’s feast?"

"If you listen closely, you can hear Cook yelling at the poor boy turning the spit."

Willamena rolled her eyes. Both the wedding and the homecoming feast were old news. What she really wanted to learn was the reason her brother and betrothed were so late in arriving from France. They should have returned a sennight ago.

"Have you seen Willamena today? Is she dressed appropriately?"

"I saw her this morn and reminded her company would arrive today."

"Company? He is to be her husband. Need I remind you, wife, that she has yet to meet the man?"

"’Tis not Willamena’s fault she fell ill last summer."

"The way she looks at me with those big eyes, I know she wants me to reconsider this arrangement. But this one will not be renounced. Perhaps if her mother had lived and prepared her for this time in her life."

20 comments:

  1. I was hoping for a little more intrigue with her easedropping. I like the concept, but I was confused as to who the father was talking to. At first I thought it was another man, perhaps a knight, but then he refers to her as wife. And then we learn her mother is dead. So I had to go back and reread again. Identify the other speaker earlier and I'd be hooked.

    The other line that seems out of place is "If you listen closely, you can hear Cook yelling at the poor boy turning the spit." If this is his wife, I would assume she would answer with Yes, my lord or something.

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  2. I liked the second paragraph a lot but lost interest afterward. Some of the word choices seem excessively medieval, if that makes sense -- the use of "morn" twice on this first page and "sennight." And I'm turned off by characters telling each other things they already know for our benefit ("need I remind you ...").

    But it is intriguing that Willamena is about to marry a man she's never met. Perhaps you can use more of these precious first 250 words on that? (I was confused by the first reference to "her brother and betrothed" -- I thought it was her brother's betrothed, not hers.)

    Good luck with your novel!

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  3. I was a little confused who was who. When he called her wife, I was surprised, then he said her mother was dead. I guess i would read on just to find out who was who.

    With a little tweaking this could be good though.

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  4. I like this story concept, but I couldn't figure out who was speaking. I'd like to know who Lord Ffenwyck was talking to earlier. A couple of words describing the speakers' tone of voice might help set the mood.

    I wasn't put off by the medieval dialogue at all.

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  5. I was thrown a bit first off by the last name (trippy names are a bit of a turn-off) and the "stone cold wall." Is the wall made of stone, or is it cold as stone? Your descriptions are good, but I wanted something more to happen.

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  6. I'm interested in the concept of the bells that she wears. Are they for a particular purpose? I would read on to find out.

    However, the dialogue confuses me since there are no "he said"s or "she replied". I'm also slightly thrown off by the fact that her father calls her mother "wife."

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  7. The anonymous speakers made me twitchy and impatient. Then once revealed, we find that the apparent plot hook is a bit mundane. (Sorry.)

    I *was*interested in the bells on her girdle, which was a nice detail. Why does she wear bells when she's sneaking? Is it punishment? Is it tradition? That might be played up to keep the reader going.

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  8. Does she sneak around a lot? Are the bells there to let people know when she's eavesdropping? *g*

    This is well written and the hook isn't bad and I like romance, so I would probably keep reading, but I would be asking myself, is there anything unique about this? What's the heart of the conflict beyond the usual fact she doesn't want to marry a man she's never met?

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  9. Okay, I don't read much historical romance anymore (except for the late Katherine E. Woodiwiss), so I'm not the best person to crit this. It didn't hook me, but that's because I'm comparing you to the grandmother of historical romance. I'm not sure specifically why it isn't working for me...so it must be just me. Maybe it's because it seems so contrived with the eavesdropping. There was another one like it last month. I would, however, read to the end of the chapter to get a better feel for the story.

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  10. I had a problem with the two Fs in the last name-I wouldn't want to have to read it too many times. And I'm a little confused about her father moving directly toward her, when he's pacing back and forth. And what is the solar? Is that a kind of room? Sorry, these are just things that popped into my head as I read. I thought the betrothed was her brother's but that's an easy fix. I am interested in Willamena and her marriage to a man she doesn't know, but you need to hook me a little more. Good luck!

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  11. Yes, I also was a little disoriented about the place she has squeezed herself into. I also had a hard time picking out who was who in the first read-through.

    One detail I want to give you kudos for is mentioning the bells on her dress. That's a great example of weaving historical detail into the story without making a big deal out of it. It came across very naturally. Good job!

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  12. Hmm. I like this, but feel the dialogue is letting you down. We need to know who's talking, especially the opening line, and the second half is very "As you know, Bob." (Characters are telling each other things they already know for the benefit of the reader.)

    I'm a sucker for a feisty historical heroine, so I like Willamena and her eavesdropping ways. She does seem kind of young, though -- is she meant to come across as a teenager? I'm reading her as fifteen or sixteen, and whilst that may be historically accurate, it's kind of squicky to the modern reader. If she's meant to be older, a little revision could be beneficial.

    I'd keep reading, but I'd hope for some greater tension soon. "Strong-willed heroine doesn't want to marry" is a common romance trope, and whilst that's not to say you can't write it again, an extra dash of something would be welcome.

    Cheers.

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  13. I saw an older version of this, and I liked that one a bit better.

    My problem here is that the overheard dialogue doesn't sound natural to me.

    I'm fine with Willa skulking around eavesdropping, but people don't conveniently speak so clearly for those who might be listening. Make her work a little harder to understand what they are talking about.

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  14. I’m intrigued. I love books set in this time period, and you really seem to have done your research on period speech and materials. Plus you manage to adequately introduce Willamena’s problem right away, without hitting us over the head with it. I’d definitely read on.

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  15. I am a huge lover of historical fiction, and I applaud you for writing it. Wonderful genre. Firstly, I feel that I've read the whole "eavesdropping" thing way too much in books, and opening with it doesn't quite draw me in. Secondly, you might want to clarify who is speaking at least. I know the idea is to keep the reader intrigued by the people your MC is creeping on, but for me, it's a bit frustrating. Lastly, the medieval-speak does throw me off slightly, but I don't think it's inappropriate to use in a book like this.

    On the plus side, I like Willamena already. She's feisty and interesting, and already, she has a good conflict. You look forward to the meeting of her currently faceless betrothed.

    Good luck! Go historical fic!

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  16. I had to read this entry twice to make sure I was reading it correctly--which is not really what you want me to do.

    Her father refers to the other person in the room as 'wife' but then at the end it's mentioned that Willamena's mother has died.

    Now of course the father could have remarried but it's a lot to try and convey in just a few paragraphs when a reader is getting her bearings.

    In other words, info conveyed isn't seamless.

    Now I do like that she is eavesdropping to try and find out info. This is, however, a pretty common set up. Wouldn't mind seeing something a bit more engaging to open.

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  17. OK - that was no different than going to the dentist. Painless - no. Over - yes.

    Thank you to all those that commented. I can see your point about the dialogue (so obvious when pointed out) and the confusion with her stepmother. Already I'm thinking of ways to fix that - create an opening that incorporates Willamena's eavesdropping, the bells she wears on her girdle (a major plot point), and a beginning that isn't quite so trope-ish:) I have learned so much from this experience and the generosity of fellow writers.

    And to Secret Agent - my thanks for giving me a glimmer of hope (there was hope in that critique, right?). My gratitude for your time.

    Now, back to the drawing board.

    Janet

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  18. I love the idea behind this entry - just wish it was easier to read, and that the part about the marriage came sooner. It seems like if W is concerned about the marriage that it would come up in her thoughts.

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  19. I'm intrigued. I won't point out the things that the others did, but IMO this sounds like a good story, and with some tightening, I'd love to read more!
    Good luck.
    And I loved the bells too!

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