TITLE: With a Name Like Love
GENRE: middle grade
Ollie's daddy was born a preacher - no choice in the matter. Her grandaddy was a preacher man, as was his daddy before him all the way back to the time of Moses. The Good Lord ushered him into that long line of preachers and then his parents gave him the name Everlasting Love. No. There was no choice in her daddy's life.
Ollie was just lucky that she was born a girl. Of course, she still carried the family name of Love, but her mama shed a little mercy on her and her sisters when it came to giving out the first names. She was just plain old Olivene. Ollie for short. Her sisters were Martha, Gwen, Camille and Ellen. No preacher boys born into that family. At least not yet.
Now it should be said that Ollie did not start out with the intent of getting all tangled up in the web of some poor soul's murder. She just wanted to take a lazy walk into town and spend her hard earned money on an ice cold bottle of Dr. Pepper. In the end, she got a little bit of everything.
First of all, I love your title. As a previous 6th grade LA teacher, I could see my students picking this book up because of the title alone. And I love the voice--it takes me down south and helps set the entire tone of the story. And then, to think that Ollie witnessed a person's murder--what a hook! I could easily convince a middle schooler to read on. Good job!
ReplyDeleteYes I liked the title too and I loved the story so far. I would definately read on to find out who was murdered. Great hook and interedting characters.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice -- and I love that your heroine is relieved she is "plain old" Olivene, which is funny in itself but completely understanding, given her daddy's name.
ReplyDeleteVery cute! The voice, the setting, everything! Love it!
ReplyDeleteHooked! Great Voice.
ReplyDeleteI loved it also, and also liked your voice.
ReplyDeleteThis opening flows really well. I love the voice and was hooked at the end. If I had the rest of this chapter, I'd definitely be turning the page to read more (dying to see how she got involved in a murder!) Great job!
ReplyDeleteWonderful voice! I liked this. I could hear the narrator reading to me.
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice here. You don't see omni done well much anymore, but this was flawless. The line, "as was his daddy before him all the way back to the time of Moses" had me laughing out loud.
ReplyDeleteI would read on. It was very hooking, but this sounded more like a prologue than a first chapter. If that's what it is, then great, but I think that last paragraph is a bit expository for the beginning of a first chapter. I didn't see anything wrong with it, other than that. Great job! =)
ReplyDeleteI wish we had the first five or six hundred words. I think so many of these would read better if we had a bit more info. I understand about the 250 words but even a novel has a back blurb :)
ReplyDeleteThat said, I love the voice, someone else mentioned how hard omni is to do, but I loved the last paragraph and would have found a way to start with that and work the first two paragraphs shortly after since I'm guessing that info plays a huge part in the overall story.
The way it is now, it sounded like two different stories *to me* and I'm not sure I'd continue.
Good luck!
Love the title (excuse the pun). I prefer YA, but I'd read more. I'm intrigue where it's going. Great writing!
ReplyDeleteGreat voice. But I think you could give it more umph by pruning the words. Get to the last paragraph faster. Do we really have to know all about her family from the get go? And even if we do, do we need all those details?
ReplyDeleteAlso, the name Everlasting Love confused me. So, Everlasting was his first name and Love his last name? So, her name was Ollie Love? If this is right, I didn't feel like this was clear enough. When you said "family name of Love" I wasn't sure if you literally meant it was the family name, or that it was just passed down through all these generations as a middle name or something. Does that make sense?
I love how I can pick out an accent from the way you're writing. And the murder sounds intriguing. I'd read more.
I liked this. The first paragraph hooked me - and I think it was the voice. I would turn the page.
ReplyDeleteGood job.
Hooked! I like your title, and I like your voice. It feels like a slow, southern read to me. This is up there in my top favorites! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteMoses is Old Testament, so a Moses-era preacher would be Jewish, not Christian. I realise you're using it as an idiom, but having a historical inaccuracy in your first paragraph doesn't seem wise. You might like to consider "the time of St. Peter" or similar -- it's believed that the gospels were written in the centuries after Jesus' birth and death.
ReplyDeleteI was also confused by "Everlasting Love," as it wasn't clear yet that "Love" was a surname. Readers may get that from the back cover, I suppose, or you could change the opening sentence to Ollie Love's daddy was born...
I probably wouldn't read on, but that's simply because I'm well out of the target market. I enjoyed your prose and wish you the best with it.
Cheers.
Thanks everyone! Your comments and encouragement are very much appreciated! I sometimes feel like I'm writing in a bubble, so input is helpful.
ReplyDeleteMiss Swan was spot on - it is my prologue - but I thought since the first page of the novel is a prologue, then I should send that. It needs critique too, right?
Thanks again for taking the time! It has been so fun (in a nerve racking, can't sleep at night, eyes blurred by hours at the monitor kind of way)
I don't have the problem with the preacher man all the way back to the time of Moses. It is an idiom, yah, but Christ was a Jewish preacher. :]
ReplyDeleteYou know... there is a lot of telling here. But! I love the voice. And I absolutely cracked up about the man named Everlasting Love. Poor kiddo. P'o'P
It could be trimmed back a little bit, but nice job<:
I really liked this. Sometimes a flowing, readable voice and a distinctive opening is all I need. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteThat last paragraph is great, but the previous two left me asking, “what’s the point of all this backstory?” Focus on your hook right now, which is a girl stumbling upon a murder scene, and weaving in the background details later.
ReplyDeleteI am hooked and want more. The voice is so original and yet I already feel a kinship with her. You start out thinking it is going to be a sweet little story and then "wham" - the muder hook. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHooked. This is precisely something I'd want to read if I were in middle school. Ollie is likable and frank. The voice is awesome, just draws me in immediately. You start to lose me a little toward the middle with the backstory and all, but the last paragraph is fabulous. Last two sentences are a total zinger. Good job!
ReplyDeleteA very Winn-Dixie feel to your voice and I loved the voice. I'd have to agree, the last paragraph lifts the reader away when we were all snuggled into our reading corner. Maybe you can take Ollie on a lazy walk into town to buy the walk when she hears or sees something... That will take us directly into the murder instead of you telling us. Also, that way you don't lose this charming beginning as it is no longer a prologue at all.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally hooked.
ReplyDeleteI read for pleasure - and this is the most pleasurable post I've seen as far as my tastes go. I get the feeling of the slower life style of the area by the slower pace - but that may simply be the way I'm reading it and not your intention at all.
I had no confusion about the name, and your explanation of Moses worked well.
My only nit is with your decision to use the word 'just' as often as you do. I'd delete some of those.
This is absolutely delightful! Great job!
I usually don't like omni so much, but I LOVE the voice here (I also had no problem with Moses, that was pretty funny) and it really drew me in. :)
ReplyDeleteNice job.
~Merc
Was definitely hooked by the first three paragraphs. You've nailed the tone and voice. I like it.
ReplyDelete4th paragraph made me pause. Oh great. The writer is telling me the set up for the story. It's not masterful writing.
Would I still read on? Sure but I'm proceeding cautiously rather than with the enthusiasm the first three gave me.
I'm hooked. Strong voice and interesting set up.
ReplyDeleteI was hooked by the voice and unique tone of this, but I wish there had been a little more “live action” and a little less telling and backstory. I’m intrigued by Ollie’s family – now I want to get to know her first hand, not through the author’s filter.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the zing of the last two lines, and I would read on.
I was hooked in by the voice and I like that she's a girl in a whole family of girls, and the preacher part is interesting. I'm hoping that it's significant to the plot of the story.
ReplyDeleteLove this! In my top 5!
ReplyDeleteGreat voice, title, set up, everything!
Can't wait to pick it up on Amazon!
I'm kind of IN AWE about the voice in this story. I am not sure I've ever read an accent WITHOUT ANY DIALOGUE before.
ReplyDelete