TITLE: The Belda Jar
GENRE: Fantasy
Tommy captures a Woodland Fairy in a Bell Jar and takes it home to
show his disbelieving parents to find they have already left for work.
His slipped off his backpack, sat on the edge of his bed, and removed the jar.
Tossing the pack on the bed he held up the jar. A pale light like a gas camper
lantern low on fuel, dissolved into the room from the glass. A tiny glowing
girl inside stood with balled fists pressed against her hips, her radiant green eyes
glaring at him under tightly furrowed eyebrows. “They’d never believe this anyhow,”
Tommy said. “Even if I could’ve shown you to them.”
The tiny golden figure’s mouth moved. Tommy cocked his head. Her lips moved again.
Tommy shook his head. She then stomped her foot on the bottom of the jar. He felt a slight
tremor in his hand. It looked like she was shouting something over and over until she went
red in the face. He shrugged.
The girl threw her hands up and stepped over to the side of the jar and tapped.
A teeny ban of metal around her finger made a barely audible ‘tink-tink-tink’ against
the glass. She beckoned to him. Tommy held the glass next to his ear. He heard what
sounded like a small sparrow’s chirp. Tommy looked at her and again shook his head.
She held the flat of her hand to one side of her head and then jabbed her finger at a spot
on jar. This time Tommy pressed his ear the glass as she took in a deep breath.
Tommy blinked. She wasn’t chirping, she was speaking to him.
“Stupid boy! Let me out of here!”
you know, I liked the writing. I think it could be cleaned up in spots, some repetitive words, like 'jar' twice in the first two sentences, and I think you want to be careful with adjectives. Wherever you find an adjective, try the sentence with a stronger verb and see if you still need the adjective - usually we rely on them to tell the story when we should be showing it.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing, though, is that you've painted a picture of tinker-bell. That's exactly what I'm seeing here, down to her temper... even having the sound be 'tink-tink-tink' for her rapping on the glass makes me think of her. I think you might want to think about how your fairy is unique and then concentrate on that, so that your reader gets your unique take on it, rather than a generic picture.
I love your premise. Your ending leads well into the next chapter.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what Belda is, but your title seems to be a play on The Bell Jar and I'm not sure that's a good thing from the genre this seems to be. And I would feel this fairy would be captured more securely in a jar with a tight lid... holes punched in it, of course.
I don't believe the line about his parents not believing him anyway. Show me a YouTube video of a fairy in a jar... eh, not so much. Show me a living fairy in a jar... you got me!
Also, you say he held the jar next to his ear, then she instructs him to press his ear to the glass. I didn't feel there was much distinction between the two actions, but maybe that's just me.
Some typos: the first word should be "He" not His; second sentence is missing a comma between the clauses, and you might want to substitute "it" for "jar" since you used jar in the previous sentence; "A teeny banD"; at a spot on THE jar.
Love the possiblity of this story, just pay attention to detail.
I agree with the previous comments regarding tightening up the writing.
ReplyDeleteAnd I too couldn't get over the image of the fairy as Tinkerbell. I don't know if that was your intention or not, but it just seemed less exciting because it was so familiar.
Also, Tommy doesn't seem to excited/surprised by the fairy he's captured. I think you could really capitalize by showing his profound disappointment that his parents won't get to see her. And, IMO, he should be a lot more excited by the fact that she's trying to communicate with him. As it is, he seems very detached, like she's a science project rather than a fairy tale creature come to life.
Just my two cents...good luck!
I agree on the Tinkerbell thing. You do need to find your own unique take on it. Any eye color but green, and lose the "tink" work choice.
ReplyDeleteI actually really liked the whole part where she was trying to talk to him. I agree that I want more on the emotions of the boy during that part. But the end was cute/funny. And I have love for fairies, so yay!
The first paragraph needs rewriting--more specifically the first two sentences. They're choppy and a little redundant.
I also thought the sentence:
A pale light like a gas camper
lantern low on fuel, dissolved into the room from the glass.
The idea is cool, but I think "dissolved into the room" is a weird string of words. I'm not really sure what that means. I think "dissolved" is a bad word choice here.
I love fantasy! :-)
ReplyDeleteMy first thoughts were to wonder why the fairy is described here? Wouldn't it make more sense to describe it when Tommy first saw it? You know...show us what she looked like through his eyes? At this point, you might only describe something new he just now noticed...or describe what she's doing.
I'm also a bit confused as to why he's shaking his head and shrugging. Did he not understand that she was trying to talk to him? Or did he realize this, but he wasn't interested at first?
Think carefully about what's going through both of their minds. You've portrayed the fairy's mind pretty well, with her actions. But even though it would make sense for this to be in Tommy's POV, we don't really know what he's thinking while he's watching her try to talk. See if, instead of stating what she's doing, you can tell us what Tommy's thinking about what she's doing. ie:
Why was she opening and closing her mouth? She looked like a hungry sparrow. Make that a mad sparrow.
He shrugged and turned away. He didn't know what she was doing, and didn't really care. Right now, all he wanted was to--
Tink-tink-tink.
He looked back to find her tapping her ring against the glass, then beckoning to him.
What did she want him to do? Listen? Did fairies speak English?
He put his ear to the glass.
"Let me out, you stupid boy!"
I have to agree ith the Tinkerbell comments. Other than that, I like the idea very much. Who could not like a fairy?
ReplyDeleteI think your first sentence reads awkwardly because it's a little mixed up.
His slipped off his backpack, sat on the edge of his bed, and removed the jar.
I think if you let him sit on the bed first and then removed the backpack, the sentence might flow better. I think the jar is too removed from the backpack. As it stands, it stopped me a moment trying to figure out where the jar was coming from.
Would certainly read on.
Yes, I also agree with the Tinkerbell comments. That was the first thing I thought of when I began reading - I think the feisty body language and green eyes sets this image right away.
ReplyDeleteThere's a bit of trouble with the formatting. I think you know that "They'd never believe this anyhow," Tommy said. "Even if I could've shown you to them." should be in its own separate para.
Watch sentence structure like the following:
Tossing the pack on the bed he held up the jar. Did he really do both things at the exact same time? Because that's what this structure indicates.
You have a fun premise -- it's practically irresistible, having a tiny fairy in a jar. But I think you need a more unique take on her, in order to stand out from Tinkerbell and your average fairy stuff.
Good luck. It's HARD to show unique in 250 words, so that part of my comments might not be warranted if I had been able to read the entire thing.
There’s some grammar and spelling errors I found, plus some odd sentence constructions than made it difficult for me to get into the story or Tommy’s head. Is this an MG novel? The language feels like it should be, but there’s some adult word choices in here that don’t match.
ReplyDeleteI can't get the image of Tinkerbell out of my mind. I think it's fine to want to write a story with a fairy, but perhaps you might think of a novel way of presenting it, one that is your own rather than one that seems so familiar from films such as Peter Pan.
ReplyDeleteThe piece could use some work on the writing -- a few misplaced commas and missing commas -- you might consider getting a guide to grammar and go over your writing to check for common errors. This would make this stronger.
Good luck!
I liked this. I don't see Tinkerbell. No description of her being blonde. No little green dress. Tinkerbell's eyes are blue not green.
ReplyDeleteDropping into a "scene" like this is hard. I would like a more detailed description of the woodland fairy though. She "golden" but is that because of the glow she gives off? Maybe the description I am looking for is earlier on in your story?
I love Fairies. You have me wanting to read more. I just hope he doesn't keep her in the jar over night. I've read that can be bad for the captor.
My first thought is that the title should be reconsidered. Plath is not the association you want.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing people have said is the writing could be tighter, and here's one way: you tell us everything. It's like a step-by-step manual of the actions Tommy goes through. We don't need to know. If you tell us "Tommy stormed into his bedroom and flung himself on the bed, the jar bouncing harmlessly on the comforter" or something, we can see that. We don't need a play-by-play, which dilutes the effect. It's fun writing otherwise!
I like this.
ReplyDeleteHow old is Tommy?
If he is young, I can understand it taking him a while to figure out that she is speaking. But I'd like him to get to it a little quicker.
I would keep reading. :)
One thing that occurred to me as I read... or actually three. :]
ReplyDelete1. I'm seeing Tinker Bell in my head.
2. This is adorable, and I love the idea. And would definitely read more.
3. You don't need to repeat Tommy's name so much. He's the only guy in the scene.
You don't need both of these sentences, you can delete one of them:
ReplyDelete"His slipped off his backpack, sat on the edge of his bed, and removed the jar. Tossing the pack on the bed he held up the jar."
I think it needs some tightening, but I like it so far. Just make sure it's a FRESH, NEVER BEEN TOLD story about fairies if you want me to read on.
Only complaint: I want to know how old Tommy is.
Having just caught what should be an imaginary creature, Tommy doesn't seem very excited. Having once been a little boy myself, I remember how neat it was to catch, say, a praying mantis. I'd just sit and watch it, enthralled by my capture. The same goes for a frog, or a snake. Imagine capturing a fairy! Wow!
ReplyDeleteBut here, Tommy doesn't have any kind of reaction to it, it's just all, "ho-hum, my parents will never believe it."
I realize that he captured it before this scene, and maybe he was excited then, but now that he's inside his room, he should have that same level of enthusiasm, he should be talking to it, showing it his room. This is, after all, his new pet!
And how he can he hear something that tiny talking from inside the jar? She needs an enunciator of some sort.
I quite like this, but I think the little boy should be a little more excited.
ReplyDeleteAlso the fairy sounds delightful, but maybe add something to make her a little different Maybe she could have blue spiky hair or she could be round and cuddly for a change with dimples in her knees. Or no hair at all, with bows stuck to her head.
Also wouldn’t he want to take her out straight away? Most kids would.
Good luck with it though. Its lovely story and I would turn the page.
Since I kinda figured out that she was saying “let me out” it wasn’t a really strong hook for me, sorry. It doesn’t quite grab me—and also, I was impatient for Tommy to figure out she could talk, and was talking to him. Could be me, but I would have liked to see him figure it out sooner, realize what she wants, and maybe have her say something else to make the ending hook more punchy? Just an idea. (I’m sure she’ll talk to him more. :P)
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc