TITLE: Breakers
GENRE: Science Fiction
The hero has just stopped a robbery-in-progress by knocking everyone out with his superpowers. An off-duty police officer has seen him enter the building.
Three down. Good. With any luck they’d stay unconscious until help arrived. Speaking of… I needed to get out of there before someone showed. Someone would’ve noticed the lights and the bangs, and called the cops.
There was a knock on the door, and then a male voice, stern, official, right outside the front door. “This is the police. Stop what you’re doing, put down anything you’re holding, and come out with your hands up.”
Shit. Shitshitshit. My expletive vocab didn’t do this situation justice. I needed to get out of there now and the window I’d come in by was in view of the door. There had to be a back way.
I found it in the kitchen at the same time as the cops came in the front. There was a sliding door opening out onto a small, toy-covered yard. Perfect. I reached for the handle, then jerked back. I’d leave fingerprints and the cops would look for them.
There was a greasy dishcloth on the edge of the counter. I grabbed it, opened the door, and ran out into the next yard, dropping the rag as I went. When I reached the sidewalk, I turned left, away from 41st, and slowed to what I hoped was a nonchalant walk.
At the next corner, I pulled off the balaclava and went right. I walked for a couple more blocks, catching my breath, and then headed back to the thoroughfare. There wasn’t a single cop car to be seen.
I like your narrator's voice. Especially his triple expletive, lol. I think this scene needs to be tightened and made stronger with more active verb choices and in some cases more 'to the point' sentences.
ReplyDelete'There was a knock on the door...' All right, but so what? It could be his grandma with a basket of cookies. Make the knock more ominous to add to the tension. 'Someone pounded on the door...' (I'm sure you could come up with something better than my example. :) )
I think you're close - just tighten it up and make stronger word choices and this will zing.
Great voice.
ReplyDeleteI think you can cut the "expletive vocab" and "I needed to get out of there" lines. It feels like over-explanation to me. That paragraph was the only one that really pulled me out of the scene.
I actually liked the "expletive vocab" bit - a nice reversal on all the creative swearing people so often seem to do in fiction (because really, how often do people use anything other than the same handful of words in the same few combinations?)
ReplyDeleteThis is cleanly written and solid, but it's not as tense as it could be. If this needs to be a high-key scene, maybe add a little extra suspense. You could emphasize the tight timing when he goes for the dishcloth. If, on the other hand, this is sandwiched between more intense scenes, then you probably don't want it to be played up too much, and this is fine, so please ignore this suggestion.
I liked the writing and the voice. I wanted more tension as well. Like maybe the cops are in the house when he finds the dishrag. And I wanted him to be smarter than to just drop it. I mean, come on. Pocket that bad boy. Make the cops do some work. They won't know he hasn't touched the doorknob until after they've tested it, but if they see the rag in the yard, they'll know. IDK, maybe that's just my Law and Order side coming out. I wouldn't leave behind ANYTHING I'd touched.
ReplyDeleteIt sort of seems like this chapter resolves itself though. I could put it down to change the laundry without a problem. I want a little more to keep me on the couch reading.
But good writing. :)
I agree with most of what has been said. I get that there is supposed to be urgency, but I don't feel it.
ReplyDeleteEasiest fix has been noted already: cops pounding the door instead of knocking. "Cops came in the front" also lacks intensity. Have them burst in or break the door down.
I also get the same feeling that the chapter seems like a conclusion rather than a cliff hanger. Maybe you should ending the chapter sooner, perhaps when the cop is banging on the door? That would make for a more intense break, at least in my opinion.
I like this. The character voice is clear and feels fresh, and the tension is clearly written. One line felt a bit awkward to me though: I’d come in by was in view of the door Other than that, good stuff. I’d read on!
ReplyDeleteJust an observation: In six paragraphs, you have four sentences starting with "There was..." and two starting with "I needed to get out of there..." And most of your other sentences are "I [verb]ed..."
ReplyDeleteI think just varying how you say things will really kick this up a notch.
Just my two cents, though. Good luck!
I enjoyed this. I like your narrator's voice.
ReplyDeleteThe "My explective vocab" could be removed, it slowed things down and removed some of the urgency for me- like he was joking about being in a tough situation instead of feeling panicked.
You use "someone" twice in two sentences of the first paragraph. I would change that. "You could bet the lights and bangs would'vd been noticed, the cops would be on their way.".....or something much better than that.
Try to use more active verbs instead of "there was". I think you could remove them completely and make us more involved in the scene. "A greasy discloth hung/lay/bunched on the edge of the counter"...you get the idea.
I definitely would read on.
The first paragraph has a good voice to it.
ReplyDeleteThe second - the 'there was a knock' could use a better verb. Pounding was a great suggestion. 'right outside the front door' seems redundant since someone is knocking on the door.
The third - 'expletive vocab' could go. The expletives themselves add enough character.
The forth - 'there was' another place for a better verb. I also agree that the rag would be better held onto than dropped. Or at least let him drop it way later if the cops need something to follow him by.
Beyond that - I'd suggest ending on a more uncertain and tense note of running out into the backyard. Then I don't know if the cops will follow, if they are just around the corner or if he'll get away. I'd have to turn the page to find out. :)
Agreed, great voice.
ReplyDeleteDo cops actually do the "This is the police, come out with your hands up" bit? I giggled at that because I really don't think so.
Also - and this is me - you dilute the great tension the set-up promises with his escape. If you wanted, you could have a great cliff-hanger ending with the knock, perhaps, "I found it in the kitchen as the cops came in the front." That keeps tensions high, shows us he gets out and "resolves" the scene/chapter, without slackening the pace or tension.
I like this from SH- onward. Prior to that point -
ReplyDeleteSlight rewording: Speaking of which. I needed to get out of there before anyone showed.
*I'd also get rid of the last line of the first sentence, because it just seemed unnecessary to me.
And then the second paragraph - I wasn't totally believing the sounds of those cops. :]