TITLE: The Socialite
GENRE: Mainstream Fiction
Elena Bancroft is Boston's most notorious socialite slash heiress. Mixing cocktails with men has always landed her in trouble and this time is no different. In a black limousine, on a dark and chilly night, she finds herself sitting beside Sebastian Kane. She and Sebastian share the same fate, a commonality which makes them rivals for life. Their fathers run competing ad agencies. Someday, so will they. Across from her, sits a man named Will, who threatens to reveal Elena and Sebastian's secret affair unless she offers herself to him. Elena knows her scandalous past will only confirm the validity of the affair in everyone's mind. To retain her title as legal heiress to Bancroft International, she has to make sure her family remains in the dark.
“But you offered him money, right?” Even though panic surged through her veins, she managed to keep her tone controlled.
Sebastian's gaze remained fixed on Will. “Of course, but he doesn’t want it.”
Elena reached into her clutch. With nimble fingers, she dug for a pen and the checkbook she was only supposed to use in times of emergency. “I have a large trust fund. I’ll give you however much you want, just name the price.”
A menacing chuckle sounded from Will’s lips. “That’s your solution for everything, isn’t it? It must be nice to have that kind of money. Very few mistakes can disappear with a carefully written check quite like yours can. But I’m sorry. No amount you could give me will buy you silence this time. All I want is you.”
His coldness frightened the hell out of her. No way could she agree to his terms.
“Of everything we could give you, why me?”
Will leaned forward and rested both elbows on top of his knees. His lustful gaze disturbed her, his eyes every bit as dark as the hair neatly spiked upon his head.
“You’re Elena Bancroft, that’s why. You’re heiress to one of the most successful privately-owned ad agencies in the entire country. Every man wants to fuck you for that simple reason, besides the fact you’re also gorgeous—even more so in person.” He nodded toward Sebastian. “Your opponent has gotten his chance. Why shouldn’t I get mine?”
Okay, we’re probably not supposed to be commenting on this part, but the last sentence of your blurb stopped me. By what you’ve got there, I’m not seeing why she’s hiding her family.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, on to your story. This sentence is hard to read: Very few mistakes can disappear with a carefully written check quite like yours can. It took me a couple of readings until I got it, but that could just be me.
And that’s all I got :O). I would keep reading. I would be disappointed if bedding Elena is Will’s ONLY motive behind his decision. Good Job
I question the genre - this sounds like women's fiction and maybe a little suspense thrown in. Lots of conflict in this story.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I LOVE the premise and would read the book. The first thing I want to critique is your authors voice. Your voice comes through loud and clear -- sparkling even -- in your summary and not so much in the actual story. As much as authors fret and futz over their query letters, I don't think you'll have much problem. Your summary made me want to read the book. Good job. Now just get that same relaxed voice into your story and this thing will sizzle. Bottom line on voice -- relax and stop trying to write like a writer -- just let the story fall out of you naturally.
IN the first couple of sentences you tell me about Elena's emotions. Show me how she's feeling -- Let beads of sweat form on her upper lip, have the hair on the back of her neck stand up, give her a twitch or some movement she's unaware of that lets the reader know how she's feeling. Tell me her thoughts.
I'd cut the bit about her large trust fund. Everybody, even I, knows this gal is loaded. I would have her pull out the checkbook and say, "How much?" That is enough to be perfectly clear. Elena seems to be pretty straight forward and I don't think she'd ramble on and on.
I'd cut the menacing chuckle sounding from Wills lips and cut straight to his dialogue -- his words contain the menace and the laugh. I'd also cut most of his monologue and have him say, "That's your solution to everything. I don't want money. I want you." Then SHOW me some of his body business -- his ticks, smirk, a dimple showing in his right cheek -- show me how cocky and confident he is and let me know what a slimy jerk he is.
Will doesn't come off as "cold." If you want him cold, then his speaking needs to be less cocky and more matter of fact. And I don't buy Elena's response - nor do I buy Sebastian's LACK of response. I take it that Sebastian had not heard Will's terms, but if I was secretly dating Elena and some jerk just said he would keep their secret at the price of sex with her, I'd have a HUGE reaction (even if only on the inside). Put that in the story - -raise the stakes and conflict here.
Will's next bit of dialogue is way too wordy. I haven't read much of this story, but I have a feeling that you have already told the reader all these facts about Elena -- let Will just get to the bottom line -- he wants to screw her.
I think ending the chapter with "You're Elena Bancroft, I'm holding all the cards, and I want to fuck you." THAT makes me HAVE to turn the page.
Good story, interesting characters, tons of tension and conflict -- just relax so you don't over-write it.
Good work.
The above review says so much! Most of which I agree with. The premise is great! But, there are parts that are too obvious - telling instead of showing.
ReplyDeleteI'd like more of a physical description of Will. I'm thinking he's unattractive, or something about him screams evil..tell me about his dry lips, or a mole, or creepy manicured hands. :)
Keep up the good work!
Dear Writer #68,
ReplyDeleteBeing Beth has some great comments and suggestions. It's hard to follow up after such a thorough analysis, but I'll try.
I like the concept of your novel. Your characters seem realistic, and so does the dialogue, except in a couple cases it seems a bit long.
I would continue reading to find out more.
Good luck!
Oh! This right up my alley...I would definitely read!
ReplyDeleteI would read on for sure. The sexual intrigue is delicious.
ReplyDeleteI won't repeat what others have said, but I'll echo it. Your writing is really great, but there are some stumbles here and there.
Great job, though!
Tough gig coming in down the queue, following some excellent critiques.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds a bit simplistic to me that men would want to bed her simply because she has money and is gorgeous, many would sure but there would be others with more sinister motives, possibly.
I would probably go "Every man wants to fuck you." He nodded toward Sebastian. "Your opponent..."
This gives a nice duality to the phrase "fuck you" and leaves you open to exploring other meanings of the phrase, attributing other motives besides just the physical act: revenge, etc.
Compact and nice tension. I like it. I would definitely read on.
Joe
Interesting premise and tension. My only comment is that sometimes, Elana’s speech doesn’t match. At points, her voice is every bit the cultured heiress, and at other points she’s very informal with her speech and sentence structure. I think it would work better if she was consistent throughout.
ReplyDeleteReally good. I've been reading a lot of chapter endings, and few have pulled me into the plot and left me wanting more. This is one of them. I would only suggest you work on the description of this story. It doesn't make the conflict *pop* the way the actual writing does.
ReplyDeleteI absolutley loved this story line. The summary got me hooked. I liked some of the other comments especially about the money. Pull out the check book and say, "How much."
ReplyDeleteReally super I'd read this book.
Great critiques above.
ReplyDeleteMy only problem is this - in this day and age, when people are having affairs with chimpanzees or their won grandparents, would these families care if their heirs are carrying on? I'm sure there is a good reason for it, but I want the particulars - personal family problems or something that \shows me that their need to keep secret is real, believable, and compelling.
Good work!!