TITLE: New Dawn
GENRE: Thriller
Brad Randall is approached by a stranger who calls him by name and tells him details of his past and his future. At first, he thinks it is a prank from his friends.
"Jack! You can come out now! The joke is over!"
Brad waited for Jack to appear with Rachel on his arm, both having a good laugh at his expense. Then Brad walked to the main path and still didn't see them anywhere. Brad caught the attention and weird stares from some of the people around, but no sign of Jack or Rachel.
Brad stuffed his hands deeper in his pockets, put his head down and walked toward the gazebo. He felt the stranger's presence behind him. "Okay, who are you and why are you telling me this?" He turned around.
"And whatever you do," the stranger said, "always remember this:
Tip the stone, find the book.
Inside yourself, you'll have to look.
What was once revered, now is shunned,
You'll discover yourself, and your work has begun.
Only with this help, will you succeed.
There is mystical advice that you must heed."
Brad sat in the gazebo, facing the Roanoke Sound, with his back to the stranger. "What does any of this have to do with me?"
As if Brad hadn't said a word, the stranger continued. "And Brad, you must find the necklace. It will help your journey go easier, for without it, you may have to sacrifice your life."
"What necklace?"
Rachel and Jack walked into the gazebo, taking Brad's attention, as they collapsed of fatigue on the wooden seat. "Who you talking to?" Jack asked between breaths.
Brad pointed to the stranger, but no one was there.
As far as where to end the chapter, I think you are dead on.
ReplyDeleteI had some problems with the writing in this section, though. For one thing, you repeat "Brad" nine times in this short section, three times in the first paragraph. It starts to distract from the story.
The poem the stranger recites is on the clumsy side. The rhythm is inconsistent, and therefore appears impromptu. But since the stranger is telling Brad to "always remember this," it seems like this isn't meant to be something the stranger improvised in the street.
A message like this probably needs to seem more polished, and that means careful thought given to the structure as well as the content.
Speaking of content, there doesn't seem to be much in this message, aside from the first line. Certainly "you'll discover yourself and your work has begun" isn't telling us anything new (especially when you've already said "Inside yourself you'll have to look")
"Only with this help will you succeed" is also confusing. If it's referring to this poem, then I don't think the last two lines are adding anything. If it's referring to some other sort of help/advice, then using "this" to describe the help is misleading, as you haven't mentioned the help in question.
You might consider cutting the poem and just giving Brad the first line to go on.
Good luck with this!
Brad waited for Jack to appear with Rachel on his arm, both having a good laugh at his expense. Then Brad walked to the main path and still didn't see them anywhere. Brad caught the attention and weird stares from some of the people around, but no sign of Jack or Rachel.
ReplyDeleteI think you could do better with this part. The “Then Brad…” makes it sound like you’re giving me a list of things happening instead of letting us live it with him. I’d like to see some feeling in here as well. Is he angry, amused?
Also, your last sentence is awkward to me. It’s not very personal. I think it would do better by reading like: The surrounding crowd gave him weird stares, but none of them were Jack or Rachel. (I’m certain you can do a better sentence)
I didn’t have a problem with a poem (I’m a sucker for anything that rhythms), but this last line needs a comma to keep the beat of the others: There is mystical adviceCOMMA that you must heed." Also, should that ‘there’ be ‘this’? My mind keeps reading it that way.
Like the set up you have here and think the ending was spot on. I’d turn the page.
Hi-
ReplyDeleteInteresting piece. I like where it stopped and would have to keep going.
Suggestions:
"Brad" is overused throughout.
I think the poem is clever, but perhaps too long to "always remember". Something simpler might be more powerful.
Otherwise, I thought the writing was clear and it was easy to jump into. Nice work.
The poem seemed pretty awkward to me too. Actually, it came off as kind of kid-ish and sing-songy, which doesn't match the rest of the mood you've set up here.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you on this. I had to write a prophecy piece for my book and it took me over a month to perfect it. It's really hard to write that kind of stuff.
The scene also seems sparse to me, and I think that's because we're not feeling Brad's emotions with him. There's a creepy stranger at his back, but he doesn't look? Don't buy that.
And then I don't feel fear or urgency. I don't really care about the poem or necklace, because they don't feel important to Brad.
I agree it's a great place to end the chapter, but it does need some fleshing out.
The first time I read it I felt hooked and would turn the page, because I love a mystery of any kind. Then I realized I felt nothing for Brad. Sorry, he's flat, but that's easy to develop. I'll leave comments on the rhyme for those who know, but it got my curiosity going.
ReplyDeleteGood job.
ReplyDeleteI think my only suggestion would be to switch up how you're starting your sentences. Your noun and pronoun heavy. (It's especially obvious in your second paragraph.)
Don't be afraid of using prepositional phrases and gerund clauses.
Otherwise, you're dead-on. Good job.
There’s some weird transitional things going on here, like how one sentence Brad is walking and then he’s suddenly sitting. Also, the “collapsed of fatigue” feels a bit Author Insertion as Brad can’t really know this from his own POV.
ReplyDeleteWhat I notice first is the number of times you've used the MC's name in the narrative. You can cut out a few and use "he" quite effectively and we won't lose track of who you mean. Also, I wonder if you need the poem or if this could be conveyed in just normal dialogue. If it was a proper riddle, I could see using this poem format, but otherwise it seems forced.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the phrase "taking Brad's attention" seemed awkward. The final line needs a bit of work -- instead of having Brad point, have him turn, his arm extended only to find the stranger had gone and he was pointing at empty air. It would be unusual to point without looking first. I think a person would turn and maybe not even point -- I was always told not to point as it was rude.
Good luck!
Everybody else already said what I had in mind.
ReplyDeleteI think that I would read on though. I can see that there is room for revision, but I believe that this is an interesting premise.
Keep at it.
I dunno. Brad seems not very upset by this guy, even if he does think it's a joke. I'm hoping there was more reaction earlier in the chapter? Great showing of what frustration we get with his action, stuffing his hands, etc. :)
ReplyDeleteI skimmed the poem. It's somewhat of a rudimentary effort as far as forcing what you want into a simple rhyme with an inconsistent meter. If it's a prophecy, why a poem? Has the stranger been speaking in poetic riddles the rest of the time? It doesn't seem like it since he just continues normally. Also, the content of the poem is mostly abstract and platitudinal like "Only with this help will you succeed", that doesn't really SAY anything.(Also no comma is necessary in each sentence except to force a breath pause, which again goes back to my complaint about your meter.)
Slightest POV slip: "collapsed of fatigue", how does Brad know?
Great movement and as far as ending the chapter, FANTASTIC ending. "What necklace?" and poof! VERY well done in that regard. :)
I like the premise<:
ReplyDeleteYou could trim back the telling and somewhat stiff feel in spots by pruning out the repetition of his name. The second paragraph especially.
Idea is good: actual writing seems a littel wooden.
ReplyDeleteToo much use of names - Rachel and Jack should become "his friends" the stranger should also have another thing you cna call hime -"the man in black" SOMETHING.
You don't have much reference to how he feels. Nervous? Paniced? Confused? Go into this in detail
Also- when the stanger starts talking to him about the necklace preventing Brad from having to sacrifice his life Brad says "What necklace?" _ I'd be far more cncerned that my life was in danger.
Still, the situation is good - fantasy intruding on everyday life. Try a little re-write, tbis could still be very good.
But I wouldn't read on, sorry. The writing just isn't there. The comments have already covered the big issues I also have: lack of detail, overuse of Brad's name. I feel no connection with Brad at all.
ReplyDelete"There is mystical advice you must heed" This is the line I like least in the poem. This has already been established without you saying it. I can't write poetry to save my life, but this poem does nothing for me. H.L.Dyer gave a number of helpful hints about the poem that I think you should also take into consideration.
As for the ending of a chapter hook, this ends at the perfect place. The premise is interesting. A good rewrite, and you might be on the right track. Good luck.
Meh, I'm on the fence about this one. I think it might actually be better if you ended the chapter at "What necklace?" I didn't understand why his friend was asking his question between breaths...was he running there? Why are they so tired? I don't geddit. But maybe I would if I'd read what came before.
ReplyDeleteI was also confused about the blocking most of the time. He's walking, he turns, but you give no physical description of the stranger, which I really wanted, and then he's sitting in the gazebo with his back to the stranger...It seems choppy and forced. Sorry!
I have Issues about “mystical advice” :P (someone needs to smack any character who tries uttering it upside the head with a 2x4 and tell them to speak sense, cut the crap, and get to the point. %-) Imagine how much easier life would be then!) so no, I’m not terribly hooked to read on. (Though I expected the stranger to be gone when Jack and Rachel showed up.) I chalk it up to personal preference.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
Interesting chapter end. I think the ending is good as a hook to keep people reading on.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that puzzled me as I read was what direction Brad was facing during this. Before the poem it seems Brad has stopped walking (not sure if he made it to the gazebo) and "turned around" I'm assuming looking at the stranger. (Might be interesting to get Brad's reaction but this may be in there earlier.) Immediately after the poem, he is facing away from the stranger.
Don't 100% know why this struck me oddly. Maybe it wouldn't if I had read the stuff before. However, maybe after the poem something like, 'Brad shook his head and sat with his back to the stranger.' To acknowledge in some way Brad's reaction to this stranger.
Though in thinking about this would someone would turn their back on a weird stranger when it is just the two of them? But I read a lot of mystery/crime so that might just be me lol.
Thanks for sharing and good luck!