The witch Laerwen releases her hold on Elemmire, but not in time to stop the crimes she committed in his name. No one believes his claims of innocence, leaving him no other choice but to run.
The first arrow just missed blinding him; the point grazing his cheek. The second lodged in his shoulder. Elemmire cried out at the stinging pain. With a stifled scream, he pulled it out.
Blunt arrowhead, not barbed. They must have orders to wound, not kill.
Suddenly, they ceased their onslaught. Everything grew silent, save the howl of the storm.
Perhaps they’ve remembered I am still king.
“Halt!”
He whirled around. Vidarr crossed the drawbridge, leading two dozen soldiers. The man’s face was a portrait of scars, blood, and blind fury. “You won’t escape, Elemmire.”
The use of his first name wounded him. Vidarr using it…a sign of how far this thing had gone; how far Elemmire had fallen in the eyes of his people.
“You’ve got no where to go. Run, and my archers will shoot you down like the dog you are.”
Elemmire took a step back. “I was taught by the best, old friend.” You.
Taking a deep breath, he dove into the moat. The cold water burned his skin. Arrows shot through the murky water, but none hit home. Elemmire kicked as hard as he could, getting out of the line of fire. He surfaced underneath the drawbridge, gasping for air. His lungs hurt and a burning ache radiated through his chest. The wound in his shoulder throbbed. He closed his eyes, willing away the pain until he had time to deal with it.
“Find him!” Vidarr shouted. “Dredge the water. Don’t let him escape!”
I want to read on.
ReplyDeleteNitpicky doo-dads:
"I was taught by the best, old friend." You.
Take out the You. It's not necessary, and more powerful without it.
"Stifled scream" bothered me somehow. Perhaps it's because the previous sentence says that he "cried out". Probably just a tiny bit of overwriting that can be easily fixed.
Also, FWIW, kicking hard doesn't make you swim faster or farther -- in fact, it has the opposite effect. When you swim, you need to have small, steady kicks and broad, reaching arms in order to move swiftly forward. Kicking too hard slows you down. So you might want to rewrite that sentence so that we can believe he's swimming as fast as he can.
I remember another scene from this book....I want this one to hit the shelves so I can read it! :)
Great chapter ending. (I'll be getting to this one in the queue... oh yes)
ReplyDeleteI like this whole premise. I'm dying to know what the witch has him accused of, and how the hell he's going to manage getting away - being a King, I'm thinking it should be really hard to hide who he is, as everyone will know what he looks like. It makes for a really action packed fantasy.
ReplyDeleteThe only things I'm seeing that this needs is a little tightening. The previous commenter mentioned removing "YOU" after the line, "I was taught by the best, old friend." - I agree. It would be stronger without it.
Another is the use of the word, "Suddenly" - I think the sentence would be stronger if you reworded without it.
Vidarr using it…a sign of how far this thing had gone; how far Elemmire had fallen in the eyes of his people.
This might be a taste thing, but in the above sentence, I think you can strengthen it by honing it down to something like:
Vidarr using it - a sign of how far Elemmire had fallen in the eyes of his people.
Like I said, this might be a taste thing, and maybe it doesn't match with your voice, but often when I see semi-colons, the image is a lot stronger when you pick one of the descriptives and fine tune it, or break it into two separate sentences.
I hope that helps... and I do love the writing and the storyline.
I would turn the page on this one. Being dropped in at a point where the story obviously takes a turn for the MC's worst is good. It's well written, I have no nits. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI would read on!
ReplyDeleteI also would take out the "you" after taught by the best. Trust your reader.
For me, the everything grew silent but the storm line was awkward. "Everything" but the storm was contradictory in my brain and stopped the story for me. How about something like:
The only sound now was the howl of the storm.
Not good, but you get my idea.
And just an idea: I wonder if it would be more powerful to end it where Elemmire jumps, and then start a new chapter with his having landed in the water?
Anyway, this is good!
Ooo, very good. Does he get away? An old friend chasing a fallen king. Interesting story.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't very helpful but all I can say is I agree with the others that I really like it. Not nits for me, thank you.
ReplyDeleteNice job. Lots of good punches with the story line.
ReplyDeleteI did get pulled out with a couple of things. The arrowhead made me pause... pulling it out... blunt vs barbed. Perhaps they remember he's king. ... I thought the statement about king was redundant if you've already set him up as a king in your text. Of course they will remember he's king.
I do like Vidarr. Great villian with a great name.
I thought a couple of your descriptions seemed to conflict with themselves... stifled scream, cold water burned, ... maybe stifled a scream, and cold water stung like needles
Nice chapter end. What I would expect, but would make me read on.
This doesn't make me want to keep reading as much as it makes me want to read the beginning. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm iffy as to whether I like this chapter ending or not. On one hand, I do want to keep reading just to see what he's going to do now. On the other hand, it seems kind of a strange place to end a chapter, depending on what the next chapter starts with. If it skips to the POV of another character, though, then I definitely like it. :D
I'd turn the page!
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts pretty much echo what's already been said. Yes, remove the "You" as stated above, and I also thought ending the chapter where Elemmire hits the water would add tension. I know some people would look at that as a contrived hook, but I'd like it here.
Great job
I really liked this! I got a very strong sense of Elemmire's character and Vidarr sounds like a fantastic villain. He's hellbent and desperate to stop the fleeing king and a reader can really feel that.
ReplyDeleteI think you accomplished a lot in this excerpt.
"The use of his first name wounded him. Vidarr using it…a sign of how far this thing had gone; how far Elemmire had fallen in the eyes of his people."
That paragraph was strong. It can definitely be rewritten, but the effect is powerful. Keep it, but rewrite it. Did that make sense?
I loved it and easily dropped into the middle of your story. I agree that dropping the YOU makes the sentence better. I also didn't like stifled scream. For some reason scream didn't seem manly enough for me. This is a guy who was able to swim through the pain.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite part was..."The use of his first name wounded him. Vidarr using it…a sign of how far this thing had gone; how far Elemmire had fallen in the eyes of his people."
I immediately got a sense who Elemmire is deep at heart. Great job!
One thought that occurred to me when he ripped the arrow out - he thought about it being 'barbed' a little late. Also, it's a bad idea to just yank arrows out. Blunt or barbed. I've heard you bleed a LOT more after yanking them out. Plus, my uneducated best guess is the arrowhead might get left behind in the flesh or something. :]
ReplyDeleteThat probably incorrect assumption rant aside, this is nicely done. You made me feel vastly uncomfortable with the clear descriptions. And of course I'd read on to see if he gets away. Very tense spot to leave off.
You are amazing at the akshun writing. Just so good!
ReplyDeleteI was instantly drawn in and reading desperately for more. I would definitely read more.
I thought the "I was taught by the best" line was an odd follow up to what was said just before it. That didn't really make sense to me at all.
This is nicely done. The only thing I'm going to add is the last line. I don't think Vidarr is going to wait to shout this order. I mean, Elemmire dives, swims to the drawbridge and then surfaces. I'm guessing the drawbridge isn't only a few feet away. Gasping makes noise. So I'm thinking it's quite the distance. And Vidarr is just...IDK, ordering pastries while Elemmire is doing all of this? Oh, and then, "Find him!" Yeah, I think Vidarr would shout this right away, and then Elemmire wouldn't really be able to hear it. Or maybe I'm just insane. ;)
ReplyDeleteI liked it a lot. Great writing.
A very good action scene.
ReplyDeleteThere are some minor changes I might make, but I'd have to see the whole chapter to know how well you've already built the world and scenery.
Consider cutting the last paragraph into shorter sections, choppier writing style picks the pace up a little and let's some of the character's panic come through.
I think the archers should have shot him in the leg or knee to slow him down. :P
ReplyDeleteI suppose I'd flip the page, but I can't say it really grabbed me that much. Not sure why, sorry. Nice action, if I have the same problem buying the 'yank the arrow out' thing as Megs, but I suppose nothing in the voice or set up jumps out at me.
I'd like to know how he gets out of the moat though, without getting hypothermia :P, so yeah, would probably read on a bit, but the enthusiasm isn't really there.
Good luck,
~Merc
Good start. Maybe a bit picky on my part but if the first arrow grazed his cheek, it doesn't sound to me like the archers have orders to wound not kill...unless they're terrible shots.
ReplyDeleteIt was hard for me to get past that but I'm glad I did.
Joe Novella
Wow, this is great! I love the premise, and the tone is set even in this small excerpt. This scene is just action packed, grips you and doesn't let go, even at the end. I'm dying to see what happens next. Your MC is sympathetic and swimming through the pain makes me think he's a pretty tough guy. I'd imagine his story is quite interesting. I think everybody covered the nitpicks, and overall, this is fantastic.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I would turn the page.
ReplyDeleteIn a couple of spots you begin a paragraph with 'he', which can be ambiguous. Once you read on, it clears up as to who is meant, but in general it is better to state who the oerson is to begin a paragraph. You did do it shortly thereafter.
Author here. Thanks for the great comments, guys!
ReplyDeleteI think it's funny so many of you pegged Vidarr as the villain--He's not!!!! He's a loyal man, who thinks his king just killed an innocent man, as well as murdered his own children. Vidarr's trying to bring justice, and Elemmire runs to both find his children and clear his name!
Thanks again! I'll be working on these suggested revisions this weekend!