TITLE: Apple Of Discord
GENRE: YA
MC Victoria’s friends have been stolen away by Helen, whom Victoria has never been able to trust. Victoria just received an anonymous phone call warning her that her friends were in much more danger than she expected. At this moment, we find her looking at a taped-up letter that she pieced together after watching Helen rip it up and toss it to the wind.
I picked up the letter. Looking very closely at the seal in the heading, tiny words proclaimed: The Roberts Institute. Some Latin words were laced around the circle. Curatio Mens Quod Prosapia.
I have no idea what that means, but I’ll look it up later. Everything could be a clue.
There was a knock on my bedroom door. Quickly hiding the letter under my pillow, I said, “Come in.”
Mom opened the door a bit, peeking her head in. “I thought I heard you scream,” she said.
I laughed, trying to seem at ease. Pointing to my math book on the edge of the bed, I said, “Just a little frustrated with my homework.”
“Ok,” replied Mom. “Who was that on the phone, by the way?”
“It was someone in my class having the same problem,” I lied.
“Don’t stay up all night!”
“I won’t.”
I waited until her steps could no longer be heard before digging out the letter. There were still big gaps, but the fragments I had pieced together read:
Dear Miss Helen Primrose:
… were thrilled with the progress…
… Dr. Jacoby in Bethany Hills reports…
…agreement upon release…
…within seven days… must report back…
…or return to The Roberts Ins…
My mind was racing. Must do what within seven days? What is this Roberts Institute? What progress? Suddenly, I felt very tired. My brain hurt and my body felt like a jellyfish on land. My friends are in danger, and I just don’t know if I can help them. I can’t do it alone. Oh, girls. I need your help.
This submission left me wanting to read more, as I enjoyed it, but...
ReplyDeleteYour set up: Who is Helen? Is she a student, a teacher, what? And why does the MC not trust her? I am hoping this was explained in an earlier chapter.
The only other thing is I am left wondering what this story would be like if it wasn't written in first person? I almost think you could add more drama to the whole story.
Other than that, I did like it, just hoping the story line is not too cliche.
I do want to know what happens next, but I think this could use some tightening.
ReplyDeleteSome clarity in your blurb around who Helen is and why Victoria's relationship with her is bad would have helped.
Also, the brief exchange with her mother. If she had thought her child was screaming, wouldn't she have rushed in panicked instead of the calm way she seemed to walk in and say "I thought I heard you scream" after just peeking her head in?
Added note, when her mom says "Don't stay up all night!" does there need to be an exclamation point or is this just a statement, like those that most mom's make?
Hope that helps.
As a reader I'm interested. Apparently, by "stolen away" you mean literally, so I'm curious how one girl did that.
ReplyDeleteOne question: Do you reveal the dialogue in phone call her mother asks her about? If so, then I wouldn't use the dialogue tag "she lied" because the reader would already know she doesn't tell her mother the truth.
Most of this is written in past tense, except here: "I have no idea what that means, but I’ll look it up later." and here:"My friends are in danger, and I just don’t know if I can help them. I can’t do it alone. Oh, girls. I need your help." If these instances are not tense slip-ups, but are meant to be inner dialogue, I think they should be italicized.
I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteHowever, your tenses are all over the place, which makes me think this will be a problem in the rest of the book. You might want to do a pass just to check for consistancy.
You can cut the 'she said' after her mom says "I thought I heard . . . .
Otherwise, good job.
With a title like yours, I hope Helen has something to do with Helen of Troy . . .
ReplyDeleteand if so, I'm curious!
This is fun. I would only tighten things up, take out the speaking tags, and you could take out "I won't" after the don't stay up. It just slows things down.
I'd read on.
It's an interesting premise and has the air of "mystery" that could work to your benefit.
ReplyDeleteYou've got a tense problem going on...sometimes it's in the present, sometimes in the past tense.
For instance:
I have no idea what that means, but I’ll look it up later. Everything could be a clue.
There was a knock on my bedroom door. Quickly hiding the letter under my pillow, I said, “Come in.”
In the above excerpt, the first 2 sentences are in the present tense; the second 2 are in the past tense.
Using the same excerpt as an example of how this needs to be tightened:
I have no idea what that means, but I’ll look it up later. Everything could be a clue.
There was a knock on my bedroom door. Quickly hiding the letter under my pillow, I said, “Come in.”
Might read better as:
I had no idea what that meant, but I planned to look it up later. As I folded the letter, there was a knock on my bedroom door.
"Come in." I hid the letter under my pillow.
Another thought: Would your MC be so careless as to actually scream? It seemed a bit forced. Perhaps it might just be her mother checking to see that she's doing her homework, instead of responding to a scream.
Keep working! This could turn out to be a tension-filled story.
You've got some tense issues here.
ReplyDeleteThe "Everything could be a clue" line isn't necessary, and is a little cliche.
Still, it's a cool concept. I'd be interested to see what came next. But until you clean up the grammar problems, I wouldn't read further, because I'd be afraid that it would pervade the text.
I like this. Strong ending, leaving it open with questions about the letter, and her friends. Good tension.
ReplyDeleteNot fond of the dialogue tag usage here. Try using the actions that move your story along to identify the speaker instead of said and replied. And there were tense issues as mentioned. As far as the ending though, it left me with a bunch of questions so for that reason, I'd turn the page to find some answers.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comments. The story seems to be interesting. I like the way it ends.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the tense problem, I did the same thing. I do not think it is all that uncommon as people learn to write. Take their comments and tighten up the sentences.
Thanks everyone! I appreciate your candour and you insights.
ReplyDeleteRE: the tense issues. I have recently been working on switching from third to first person, and didn't even notice the tense switches. Thank you for pointing that out!
There is an undercurrent of Greek mythology in the story. Myths parallel what is happening in the story to an extent.
Thanks again! I'm definately learning from your comments.
I like this, but I had a little trouble with the past and present tense. It seemed to jump from one to the other which confused me a little. I would read on though, it sounds like an interesting read.
ReplyDeleteI thought that the sentence, ‘I waited until her steps could no longer be heard’ to be a little long. Maybe, ‘I waited until she’d gone back to ….’
The ending intrigued me though so I would read on.
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteI enjoy the mystery presented here. Definitely as interesting for the reader as it is for your MC.
I saw the tense issues too and thought they were thoughts that weren't italicized. Guess not.
The last paragraph felt a little out of tone from the rest. A bit on the flowery side of description.
Overall good and I'd read more.
I agree with the others, interesting excerpt, but the tenses are all over the place. I would definitely read more if that was cleaned up though, the jumps from "am" to "was" kind of takes you out of the story.
ReplyDeleteWatch the tenses... you switched from past to present tense.
ReplyDeleteNow the ending sentence - I think that's fine in present tense, because it sounded like direct thoughtwork. But you need to put it in italics then.
Otherwise - yes, I'd read this<:
I'm a touch confused on some of the tenses changes, and can't tell what's supposed to be direct thought or what's not, but that aside, it's not really my thing, so sorry to say I'm not hooked to read on.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
Aside from the tense problems, I did like this. Victoria has a good voice for a YA protagonist and I like the tension you've got going in this scene. I'd definitely read on!
ReplyDelete