TITLE: Madman's Mansion & the Lost Tunnel
GENRE: Middle Grade
Sam and Alice traveled through a mountain tunnel and found themselves in
another world. They're hiding under blankets in Burl's horse cart because
they don't have proper IDs to pass through the checkpoint to enter the
town of Umbra.
“I’ve got potatoes to sell at the market,” Burl answered.
“Another lazy potato grubber,” someone sneered. This voice was
completely different. It sounded like someone with gorillas in their
family tree. “Well, don’t just sit there, Spudboy,” it barked. “Get
down and open the back gate. We haven’t got all day.”
A moment later the gate swung down and heavy feet climbed up. The twins
heard the canvas tarp being pulled aside. Sam felt a knot growing in his
stomach.
“It’s potatoes, all right,” the nasty voice called out. The sound of
rustling grew nearer. Apparently, this guard wasn’t as lazy as the
others. “More crates of wormy potatoes. What’s in the back there?” he
demanded.
“Some old blankets,” Burl answered. “Do you want me to pull them out?
They’re a bit smelly. Ran into some horse muck a ways back and had to
wipe off my boots.”
“Keep your grimy blankets,” the voice snarled. “You potato grubbers
always smell like you’ve stepped in something foul.”
They heard rustling papers and the sound of a stamp. “Proceed,” said the
prim voice.
They were through. The whip cracked and Jeb and Jess bolted forward.
“We made it,” Alice whispered.
Sam breathed a sigh of relief until a sudden thought occurred to
him. He felt a cold jolt in the pit of his stomach. He and Alice
didn’t have papers or, apparently, the right clothing. If it were
this hard to get into Umbra, how would they ever manage to leave?
I imagine it was an email formatting problem, but the single block paragraph made this hard to read.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of kids stumbling in another world and having to find a way home and I think the voice is one kids will like.
As far as the writing goes, I'd get rid of some of the speech tags—it barked, the voice snarled, the nasty voice called out—or simplify them to said.
Very well done. Because we don't have any idea whose P.O.V. we are in until the last sentence of the first paragraph, it is a little confusing at first, but that's probably just because 250 words is limiting. If your previous paragraph explains this, it works fine. If not, I'd add a line at the beginning explaining that we're hearing this through Sam.
ReplyDeleteGreat snippet! I thought you did a great job of describing everything around them and setting the scene as they would know it from within their hiding place. Kudos to you on that!
ReplyDeleteAnd I do really like the last line. I'd keep reading!
I think you have a great ending here. Even though it's not a cliff-hanger, per se, it is a question that I was wondering myself, and one that will keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteI do have one suggestion regarding the writing, though. I found the references to "they" off-putting. "The twins heard..." "They heard..." "They were through."
It seemed, from this piece, that your narration is primarily focused on Sam's feeling/thoughts. That's great. I think you should elaborate upon that. Show us more of what Sam was hearing, smelling, seeing, feeling (touch, not emotion). Particularly in this scene you have a great set-up: the kids are hiding in the back of a horse cart. Your writing could really make us feel sweaty and smelly and claustrophobic if you let it.
Good luck!
Nice job! I was able to get into this one immediately. I love the line "sounded like someone with gorillas in their family tree".
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue was snappy and easy to follow. Nice!
The only phrase that was hard to digest was "cold jolt in the pit of his stomach". Though I know what you mean, I'm not sure what this feels like.
Great work!
Kids crossing over to other worlds is always a great idea. I like the tone of the narrative voice you've got going on.
ReplyDeleteLight and entertaining.
This seems like the type of book I'd loved to have read as a 12year old :)
Looks good. Language feels right for an MG novel, and the writing is solid. I’d read on!
ReplyDeleteI got right into it and hope to read the rest some day. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot, this is my kind of story.
ReplyDeleteI agree with a previous poster on using 'They' (as in the twins) rather than writing from Sam's perspective. This did throw me off a little.
I also love your visuals and how your describe them through what Sam hears rather than what he sees, that was awesome!
I'm interested to know what sort of alternate world they've stumbled into. It doesn't sound that different in this small section, and I'd hope that it is expressed in other parts of the story.
ReplyDeleteI do like the dialogue and the descriptions. I'd read more.
I'm not entirely sure what's going on, or why they want to get into Umbra. I'm guessing they have an ally in Burl.
ReplyDeleteIt did occur to me that if they want to leave, they could just go out the way they came in - smuggled in potato sacks or whatever. But then I get the idea that probably Burl's just dropping them off and heading back out. Which would explain why Sam's suddenly not that keen on going into the city.
Yes, I loved this one. The lina about the gorillas in their family tree was great. I even liked the tags.
ReplyDeleteI would definitly read on. I want to know how they get out.
I think your dialog here is phenomenal. Major kudos on that. The writing was nice and tight, but I didn't feel like I simply had to turn the page right this second all bodily functions be damned. Does that make sense? I mean, they made it in. Yeah, it was a little tense, but it resolved itself. Now it's entirely possible, that entering Umbra is like entering Mordor and now the tension is amped up through the roof that they're inside...but yeah. For what it's worth. :)
ReplyDeleteI understand why you're using 'sneered'/'barked'/'nasty'/etc (because you're not able to use visual cues you're stuck 'telling' since you can't really 'show') but it still reads as 'telling' instead of 'showing.' You walk a fine line when you're in a scene like this to make the reader feel 'blind.' I loved this, a lot of potential in this scene but it's relatively short for what seems like a main tension scene (unless, in the grand scheme of the novel, getting into Umbra really isn't that big a deal...in which case it might not really be necessary to show this at all...).
ReplyDeleteThe atmosphere is great, makes me want to read more (this is definitely my kind of book) but this scene could be fantastic with some work. Also, the repetition of 'potato grubber' reads oddly, as though the second time the voice would drop 'potato' as it's implied.
The gate swung down...heavy feet climbed up...silently? I wanted even more (without the use of unnecessary adjectives) to put us underneath smelly blankets and wormy potatoes.
Good luck, this is great!!
I guess my first comment didn't post: I think the nits have been picked up by everyone anyway so I'll tell you what I like.
ReplyDeleteThe sentences are simple and clean, clearly conveying their meaning. The writing is appropriate for your audience. This isn't a zinger ending, but I suspect the whole is greater than its parts, and I'd love to read more. And yes, this is just the type of adventure book I would have loved as a kid.
oh gosh! how WILL they ever manage to leave?!?!
ReplyDeleteThis is greatness!
I loved the level of detail here, and I really need to read more... the way you said they heard the sound of a stamp... that really stuck in my head... I know what that sounds like, but I don't think I would have thought to write about it.