GENRE: Middle Grade Reader
Previously, Blue survives the lightning strike in Chapter One. Earlier in this chapter, Chapter Two, Blue speaks (courtesy of the lightning storm in chapter one) to Corey. Now Corey, 12, and his best friend, M'nM are in Big Blue's stall. Then another friend, Starla, appears and she adds even more to the mix.
“Who’re you talking to, Corey? Who said that?” M’nM says coming into the stall looking all around. He takes a quick look under Blue. “Move over, Blue,” and gives him a not-so-gentle shove with his shoulder.
“Take it easy, M’nM. My whole body aches. And just when do you plan to bring me my food and finish my stall, Corey?”
“Jumpin-gee-hossaphats!” M’nM’s eyes bug out. “He, he talks! A talking horse!” He stumbles backwards with his mouth hanging open.
“Watch out for that . . . oops!” I say just as M’nM plops down in the same pile of poop I did. He sits there. Just like I did. Stunned. Don’t think he even notices the poop.
“Don’t say that out loud.” I say to M’nM. “Anyone hears you say he talks will think you’re nuts.”
“Hi guys,” Starla says giving us a start as she leans over the bottom of Blue’s Dutch door. “Why are you sitting in that poop, M’nM?”
Oh no, I almost blurt out loud. Mostly I like Starla, but she usually spells trouble. She’s cute and smart, but really nosey. If she didn’t live here on the farm, I’d tell her to take a hike.
I toss M’nM the towel and help him to his feet.
“You guys Dusty’s little helpers today?”
I could just strangle her and boot her butt to Mars.
I am sorry but I had a hard time following due to the instant grammar errors.
ReplyDeleteAlways start a paragraph or indent when someone speaks. Having so many spoken lines in one paragraph leads readers away from the story and wondering who actually said what.
I couldn't follow this one, maybe it is explained more in Chapter 1 or even 3, but for middle grade, I think it needs some tweaking and definite editing to follow.
I'm not sure here. I like the idea of the talking horse. The dialogue feels a bit too out there. What 12 year old boy would say Jumpon-gee-hossaphats!"?
ReplyDeleteAlso, Does he like Starla, or does he hate her? Usually it's not both. Or at least he wouldn't admit it.
I wonder if you should make what the horse says more unique--you can't expect him to have the same language customs as humans.
I was confused with the dialogue. Do you mean for them to speak in that manner.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the idea of a talking horse could lead to a fun story.
Your summery made it hard for me to understand what was going on here. And I had no idea who was a horse and who was a human, which made things worse.
ReplyDeleteM'nM is a bizarro name for a human. I'm assuming you tell us how he got that name, because it's hard to say, and nicknames usually make things easier.
There were some cute moments, though. And the narrative voice is cute.
I'm not having trouble understanding what's happening, but I wonder if it's the tense that's a little tough. I'm not used to reading in present tense.
ReplyDeleteSuggestions:
"just when do you plan..."
"Just like I did."
"I could just strangle..."
I think you overuse "just".
Starla- if she's usually trouble a child may not acknowledge that she's "cute and smart". Especially in a tough moment.
"You guys Dusty's little helpers?"
This made me wonder if Starla is a grown up. It's hard to picture a child saying this.
Fun story! And, kids love poop. Falling in it is automatically funny. Good luck!
I didn't expect Blue to be a horse from your blurb, either. That was rather confusing. Also, for your title, did you typo it, or is it supposed to be like that? The term is "tie-dyed." You need to be careful. If your title is spelled wrong, an agent won't want to read a word of your story.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue is odd here IF it is a modern story. If it takes place in the 1950s, that sort of "jumpin" exclamation would still work.
The description of Starla is awkward, too. The blurb describes her as a friend, but the narrator's views on her aren't so kind, and it doesn't flow.
This doesn't really feel like the end of a chapter, either. It doesn't even need suspense necessarily, just a tidier ending.
I'm not sure.... this seemed rushed to me. I was a little confused. :[
ReplyDeleteSorry, the blurb lost me and then what followed lost me even further. I find present tense hard to get into, perhaps that was some of my problem in getting into the swing of the story.
ReplyDeleteQuestion: If MnM is sitting in the poop, how does Starla see that? She can't see under him or through him.
If Corey is twelve, I have a hard time accepting that he finds a both the good and bad in a Starla. It seems more like an adult observation.
Not sure who Dusty is or what her comment means to Corey to set him off as it does, so this ending doesn't compell me to read further.
The punctuation/grammar mistakes did make it hard to read. But unfortunately, that aside, this doesn't make me want to turn the page and read on. Nothing really grabs me, sorry.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
I was confused also. It seems nothing is happening in this scene. Well, that's not exactly true. We've got a talking horse.
ReplyDeleteI think it needs something more exciting going on. And I didn't realize Blue was a horse at the beginning either. It seems to kind of jump around a bit, leaving me lost and confused.
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteI thought the dialog was cute as well as the bits of perspective thought from Corey's POV. It has a youthful voice to it.
If this is period based, then the Jumpin-gee-hossaphats is fine, but if it's contemporary it's not.
The present tense 3rd isn't working for me. I'd switch this over to past tense. It would alleviate some of the grammar issues others pointed out.
Overall, cute for MG and I loved the title.
I so got the point that Blue was the horse. Who else would have a stall? Or maybe I got that because I used to ride horses. And anyone who has seen horse poop knows it doesn't come out as a little pile. So I can easily see how Starla would notice it.
ReplyDeleteNext time you might want to mention to the Authoress about your format. Something tells me that's why your indents went screwy. Same problem happened to mine.
I'm not too familiar with MG, but first person, present tense is hot right now in YA. I should know considering how many of them I read each week. If you haven't already, you might want to check out the newest MG books to see if it's common or not. It is hard to get into it if you're not used to reading that particular POV and tense. But if your target age group is used to them, it shouldn't be a problem.
Otherwise, I thought it was a cute story.
Good luck!
I found the tense hard to read- even off putting.
ReplyDeleteI think that the dialogue would still work well in past tense.
The chapter ending didn't make me want to read on but the overall concept sounds like fun (or Mr Ed revisited)
Ditto, I got lost between all the characters you throw in all at once. Plus, I was surprised M'n'M didn't have a stronger reaction to landing in a pile of horse poop. Sorry, but can't say I'm hooked.
ReplyDelete