On the fifth day, Meredith lay in the shade watching Jalal swim laps in her pool. She wore only a gauzy tunic; he wore nothing at all. He had turned out to be not only a wonderful lover, but a fascinating conversationalist, and gourmet cook as well. She couldn’t remember a time when all her appetites had been so deeply satisfied. The sheer decadence of it all had muzzled her inner critic.
Jalal dived under, then surfaced at the edge of the pool nearest her. “I will not be faithful to you,” he announced, “but I will always return to you … as long as you want me.”
She laughed softly. “Really!”
“I am trying to be honest with you.”
“Yes, I know.”
“You do not believe me.”
“Oh, but I do.”
He splayed his hands on the tiled edge of the pool and boosted himself out. Rivulets of water ran from his hair, meandering around joint and muscle, tracing the length of his body as he approached her. “If you believe what I said, why are you smiling like that?”
She handed him a towel. “Because you think I want you to tell me I’m your one and only.”
He wrapped the towel around his waist and sat down on the end of her lounge. “All women want that.”
“I don’t.”
He shook his head, showering her, spreading transparency with each drop that landed on her tunic.
“You think that you can change me,” he told her.
“I think no such thing, Jalal.” She stretched one leg across his thighs. “Are you telling me you’re leaving right now?”
“No,” he said, sliding his hand up over her knee, “not right now.”
Very good- this ending sets the stage for the rest of the story and the dialogue is believable. Your writing is very smooth and flows well. However, the "spreading transparency" line tripped me up a bit.
ReplyDeleteI like how this scene unfolds slowly. It seems to mirror Meredith's suspicion and hesitancy and also the lingering of their time together. I felt though that Jalal's dialogue came across as a little formal for the casual relationship he's willing to have. Even just using contractions when he speaks might help his words better match his actions. I think this ending overall is very strong. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteOk...who would not want to read on. I really want to know what happens between these two! I got the "spreading transparency"! Your writing is very descriptive, I could see the scene playing out. Yup...I'd read it! :-)
ReplyDeleteI actually thought that she was being more formal to match him (I made the assumption that 'Jalal' was, at least, of foreign something so the English would be a little stilted). I also liked 'spreading transparency' as an image, but in written form it's a little jarring, especially since showering her with the water droplets from his hair would be an intimate moment as is.
ReplyDeleteVery intriguing scene, well-written. Not sure I like the word 'meandering' but, like 'spreading transparency' it's author's choice.
Interesting story. You got me wanting to know if what she says is for real. I would read into the next chapter.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, and maybe it is just me, the part where Jalal shakes his head, I can see the woman react by lifting a hand to cover her face--laughing maybe. Someone spraying me with water like that would cause me to react. That thought interrupted the moment when I read "spreading transparencey..."
Enjoyable. I like the interaction between the characters.
ReplyDeleteThe start of the first paragraph threw me off a bit. "On the fifth day" sounds too much like seas should be formed. I like that you are setting up that all of her appetites are satisfied (what woman wouldn't want them to be) and I think you would have already gone into detail on how each one was satisfied versus just telling us they were (there's nothing better than a food seduction scene).
I also was thrown a bit by the spreading transparency. I get that you meant the water made her shirt turn transparent but I had to read it twice as it threw me off the first time.
Very well written piece.
Not a fan of the opening sentence. The ‘On the fifth day’ is too narritivy (new word?) for me. The rest is great, you drop in her head wonderfully, but I’d change up that line to simply, Meredith watched Jalal swim…
ReplyDeleteGreat ending. I’d certainly read on to see how their relationship forms and how they start reading each other.
Great job on this. The "spreading transparency" image didn't work for me. But the interaction worked really well. Believable characters and you revealed them through their interaction really well.
ReplyDeleteLisa, sorry, I should have explained that Jalal is a Persian immigrant, he has lost most of his accent, but at this point in his life, still speaks a bit formally.
ReplyDeleteHmm. Let me say up front that this is not the kind of thing I normally read, so my comments may be less useful to you than those of someone more familiar with the genre. (I’m taking the suggested approach of starting by critting the five entries before and after mine.) That said …
ReplyDeleteOverall I think it’s good. Meredith’s attitude to the relationship is perhaps a bit unexpected, which I like – though I must say I don’t know if I’d have used the phrase “emotionally repressed” to describe her, based on this excerpt. I’m curious about Jalal: who he is, where they met, what the trajectory of his life has been so far – his relationships, his career, his family life – to put him in this place now. I like that nobody is being clingy or emo here, because hey, why not enjoy what you’ve got while you’ve got it?
Nitpicks: “He had turned out to be not only a wonderful lover, but a fascinating conversationalist, and gourmet cook as well.” – punctuation not quite right here; you can keep the not-strictly-correct comma after “lover” if you really like it, but the one after “conversationalist” has to go. I like “had muzzled her inner critic” a lot, but “the sheer decadence of it all” sounds … I’m not sure what it is I don’t like about it, but there’s something that doesn’t quite work for me. And “spreading transparency” I just don’t get (also I think that sentence could profitably be shorter).
Interesting relationship these two have going on. I wonder if they change for each other or make it work this way? Not sure if the ending of this chapter is a page turner.
ReplyDeleteIf this is the end of chapter one, that has to be an awfully long first chapter because you've got a lot of ground to cover introducing and developing an emotionally repressed 50 year old widow who picks up a 30 year old hunk and brings him home for a few days of game playing.
ReplyDeleteEverything seems to be quite perfect between your characters. Where's the conflict that will sustain your 100,000 word story?
I like your idea and your characters, but you've only scratched the surface.
This works. :D I want to read on.
ReplyDeleteI did have a nit -- I absolutely hate the word "rivulets" and as soon as I see it, I usually refuse to read further because I see it used in the same way and it has become cliche to me. That may just be me. I like everything else though. The writing is good and clean and I get a real feel for each character in a very short space so bravo.
I was able to get into this story immediately! It's very easy to follow and the writing is clear. Great work!
ReplyDelete"Rivulets of water ran from his hair, meandering around joint and muscle, tracing the length of his body as he approached her."
I think this is a bit overwritten. It doesn't flow quite like the rest.
"Because you think I want you to tell me I’m your one and only.”
I did a double take here. You may want to simply this a little.
I really like the voice of the piece and would read on.
Huge FAN! Good luck!
I agree with another comment, the narrative of the first sentence is a bit too disjointed. Otherwise this is very well written. Based on the writing, my reaction would be to read on, but this type of story isn't really my thing, so I'm not sure if I would read something like this.
ReplyDeleteNot my thing, but this is well done from what I can see. Probably the only thing I could nitpik at was the reason why he popped up with the 'faithful' schpeel. That's probably because I missed the rest of the chapter though.
ReplyDeleteNothing but praise!
ReplyDeleteI truly enjoyed it. I surmised a bit of Jalal from his name and everything played out spendidly, even for so short a passage. I shan't forge the title, because this is a story I'd love to read. You have a wonderful style.
(I apologize for not providing any constructive criticism. I simply had none!)
This excerpt drew me right in. Your characters are well developed, and you've done it mostly through what I consider to be effective dialogue.
ReplyDeleteNit-pick: Unless English is Jalal's second language (possible, considering his name), wouldn't he say "You don't believe me." instead of "You do not believe me."?
The only reason I wouldn't read on is because the genre isn't my "thing." But that has nothing to do with your actual writing, which I think is strong.
This is really good writing. The only comment or hitch that I had was an unneeded comma. This one: "conversationalist, and a gourmet cook as well." That's not a compound sentence right there, so the comma doesn't belong.
ReplyDeleteBest of everything to you!
Not my thing, but I am curious now... would probably read a few page more. Good luck!
ReplyDelete~Merc
I'm not really hooked because there's really no tension in the scene. He's going to be unfaithful, she's fine with that, so end of story. The writing is fine, but I'm not really drawn into either of these character's plotlines. Sorry.
ReplyDelete