GENRE: CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE
A wraithlike sentence, so simple and understated, meant more to him than anything else he’d ever known. Sadly, he would loose the woman who had spoken the words that comprised that sentence just weeks later. Forever thereafter he would find himself clinging to the memory of that evening, and that moment, knowing it was a bitter consolation prize.
“This is the man who saved my life.”
Two months after leaving the life she had worked so hard to build behind, all in the name of true love, Erin Taylor wearily eased her car into a parking spot in the back corner of a typical suburban shopping center and dashed inside the Starbucks there, unaware that what would transpire over the next hour would change her life more so than accepting a wedding proposal from her boyfriend of three years had. So that Alan Chambers, now her fiance, could pursue his dream of starting his own magazine, she had given up a job writing for the Silicon Valley Daily News, the perfect apartment and the mental stability of being 3000 miles away from her father, a man who had irreparably damaged any semblance of self confidence she ever had. When she had left Massachusetts at the age of eighteen to accept a scholarship at Stanford, she vowed she would never go back. Yet there she was.
Sorry I don't think I would read more, the first sentence turns me off... What is a wraithlike sentence? A ghost like sentence?
ReplyDeleteIt seems overwritten. Also it needs some editing..
Two months after leaving the life she had worked so hard to build behind, all in the name of true love, Erin Taylor wearily eased her car into a parking spot in the back corner of a typical suburban shopping center and dashed inside the Starbucks there, unaware that what would transpire over the next hour would change her life more so than accepting a wedding proposal from her boyfriend of three years had.
Is way to long a sentence.
I don't mean to sound harsh or discourage you.. there is a lot of potential, it needs some editing.
Thanks for posting.
I think there's way too much going on with the - what? when? where? There's also a jump in perspective from man to a woman without any transition at all. Also, why is the sentence - This is the man who saved my life - wraithlike?
ReplyDeleteThe 'voice' of the first paragraph is startlingly different than the 'voice' of the second paragraph. I know this is probably intentional, but in reading this entry, the difference - to me at least - is jarring.
I agree with jerzegirl that there is potential here. I definitely liked the 2nd paragraph more so than the first.
"Sadly, he would loose the woman.." loose should be lose. I love the "Two months after leaving the life she had worked so hard to build behind, all in the name of true love, Erin Taylor wearily eased her car into a parking spot in the back corner of a typical suburban shopping center..." Try stopping there for the first sentence. I love the "all in the name of true love". It tells me so much about her, but the sentence is way too long as is. I'd love to see how you move this forward once it's revised.
ReplyDeleteI love "wraithlike sentence." Neat!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately I'm not hooked. Too much backstory; it feels overwhelming. Perhaps you could reveal things more gradually?
Be careful of misspellings, as well: "loose the woman" should be "lose the woman."
I found this a little confusing, but I think you've got a good hook buried in there somewhere. It's just a lot of information to digest at once. I agree with Authoress that you should let the backstory unfold a little bit more slowly. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThis is a little confusing. I read it as a very short prologue, followed by Chapter One. Short prologues are fine, but this is *too* short. There's not enough context, even by prologue standards.
ReplyDeleteThe strongest line is "This is the man who saved my life." Maybe you could lead with that?
Some basic grammar issues need tackling. There's the obvious, such as "loose" instead of "lose" but at a more subtle level, a number of the sentences read awkwardly.
For instance, the second sentence would read more smoothly if you left out the phrase, "that comprised that sentence". And "Sadly" feels too weak.
"This is the man who saved my life," said the woman [phrase indicating some context, like, "who crawled out from under the car."]
He would lose her just weeks later.
Also, watch out for PoV. The problem with the "unaware that what would transpire over the next hour would change her life more than..." is that it is from omni rather than close third. If omni is what you're going for, okay (although I still don't like it when a book gives smug little hints like this), but if it's Erin's PoV, it makes no sense.
The problem is, without the gratuitous narrator foreshadowing, and excess backstory, nothing interesting is going on here except her backing into a parking space. Give her immediate problem -- is she late to a meeting? Are big SUVs parked in Compact Only spots? Then she can think about her husband, her father, etc, as she tries to solve her immediate problem.
I'm sorry. I kind of got lost in the long sentences. I found myself going back to reread to try to figure out what I had just read. Also, beginning with the "Two months..." sentence, maybe move "behind" to follow "leaving", and leave off the "all in the name of true love." It seems a little more clear like that, IMHO. Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteYou've given us a glimpse of action to come - the next hour will change her life. So give us that action right away. Obviously, it's big. I would love to read that. As the others have said, you can work in the back story perhaps while she is in the midst of the ordeal (which might give you the opportunity to *show* your character's character).
ReplyDeleteKeep working - you've got potential conflict and angst, everything needed for a good story.
Sorry, no. My eyes were glazed by the end of the first paragraph. They DID reopen with the "This is the man who saved my life." If you really wanted to distance the reader (and I don't recommend it) keep your first paragraph, but put it after the only line of dialogue or suggested action you have here. I'm pointing that out because it's one of the things editors look for. When you have lots of dialogue and action paragraphs, they show lots of white space where you didn't go on for paragraphs. This sample has almost all black space. Doesn't mean you don't have something, just that you're putting it all in one spot when you don't need to. Best of luck!
ReplyDelete*scowls at loose - only because I make the same sp mistake all the time.
ReplyDeleteYou might want to start with the sentence - I felt like I missed something.
And then this is a lot of background in the 'real time' paragraph. I would probably suggest chopping it back.
The statement "'This is the man who saved my life'" hooks me, but the not the context that it's been placed in.
ReplyDeleteThis could do with some cleaning up, but there's good stuff underneath! Keep working at it!
This sounds like it could be an interesting plot. One concrete thing you could work on is shortening and simplifying your sentences. Long sentences can be beautiful, but I'm drowning in yours, and when I come up for air I'm disoriented. Probably if you follow the advice above and start with action instead of backstory, it would help this beginning. But be careful when you do relate the backstory not to fall into this trap again. You have a lot of time references all bunched together, so I feel like I'm being thrown back and forth -- three years ago, today, going to Stanford.... Hope this makes sense!
ReplyDeleteSorry, but I'm more confused that hooked. You switch POVs in the two paragraphs without a scene break. Plus, the opening paragraph is so foreshadowing-heavy, it almost turns me off reading, since you've already given away the ending. I think this would work much stronger without that first paragraph giving everything away (and ditto on the comments that it feels overwritten).
ReplyDeleteI think with some editing there is a hook in there. If the sentences were a little shorter, it would read much better.
ReplyDeleteI, too, think you have a hook, but I'm a little lost. Maybe simply like others have said and show us a little more action right at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteIs the wraithlike sentence "This is the man who saved my life"? I'd like to know more about that.
This seems like a lot of backstory. It's interesting, but doesn't hook me.
ReplyDeleteWith a little editing, I think you might have an intriguing story.
Good luck.
The first part in the male POV confused me. Because I didn't know who was speaking or what he was referring to, I couldn't get grounded into the story fast.
ReplyDeleteThen the switch to Erin's POV took me in another direction. There was a lot of backstory there.
It might be more effective to start directly in Erin's POV as the first part is not necessary and can be a hindrance. If I had a better sense of her personality and what sort of person she was, it would me identify and hook me in.
The backstory is interesting, but there's way too much of it. I think you could better fill in here and there throughout the first few chapters.
ReplyDeleteAs for the POV switch so early on, that whole 'his POV' thing really threw me. I couldn't understand what one had to do with the other.
Yes, POV switches are a tricky thing and they can be done, even in the same scene (contrary to what the 'rules' state) if the story continues to flow. If it's smooth enough, the POV change isn't even noticed by the reader. There are several top authors who do it seamlessly and make it work to their advantage. But the way it is now, it reads like two completely different stories and, because I stumbled over that, dissolved any interest I might have had to continue.
Good luck.
This sounds like a story with a great dynamic between the lost loves. But what you have here is an info dump, not a hook. Spread some of this background info around as we get to know Erin a little more.
ReplyDeleteThe reader will probably want to know more about who she is before they will really care what happens to her.
I'm afraid I don't get it. Not sure what you're trying to convey and it feels like it's all backstory.
ReplyDeleteI think you have a great story lined up in your head and I think you should keep going with it. But this is too much backstory and too little of what's going on now. Instead of foreshadowing, show her walking into Starbucks and having her life changed. You could also work in a lot of the details of the story, like she's back in MA, etc. as you go through.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't read on. Sorry! This entry pretty much has every beginning writer mistake in it.
ReplyDeleteNot to despair. We all have to start somewhere but this is all telling and most of it cliche at that. That just means you are new to the craft and need good workshopping before an agent reads your material.