TITLE: GODDESS UNLEASHED
GENRE: YA URBAN FANTASY
This is from the end of chapter one. Elara is escaping a would-be rapist in the woods during a freak lightning storm...
Elara dug in for a last surge of energy, her legs moving faster. She forced her body into full gear, almost home. Unfortunately, with safety in sight, and the tears filling her eyes, she didn't pay attention to the ground before her. Once again, Elara tripped on a slippery, moss-covered rock, but this time nobody was around to catch her fall.
Elara plummeted into a very deep, stone well.
Down, down, down, she fell, jagged rocks ripping at her uniform, ivy slapping at her cheeks like whips. Her lungs filled to scream, but there was no sound. She wondered if she'd ever stop falling, until a cold wetness engulfed her body, pulling her into blackness. The scent of dirt and decayed leaves permeated her nostrils. And then she was floating. A dull light shone from above. The moon? She wanted to reach it, but she couldn't find the strength to move her arms, move anything. Everything hurt.
And so she stayed still, her body throbbing, floating at the bottom of the well, and with no energy to speak of, no fight left in her, she closed her eyes. A dream. Colors undulated in her mind's eye; waves of purple, magenta fluttering like wings, three dimensional, like a vortex. A face. A smile. Her eyelids fluttered. A chill bled into her body and her pain subsided. A single tear rolled down her cheek. She gasped, taking in one last gulp of air.
And then there was nothing.
I like this, but there's something missing from this excerpt, and I think it's the tension. It's all, Elara did this, Elara did that. What I want to see is you describe her fear as her feet pound against the hard ground, as the blood rushes to her ears. What is she thinking, what is she feeling?
ReplyDeleteI am intrigued, however, to find out what she is running from. YA Urban Fantasy's are my favourite type of book, so it sounds like something I'd probably pick up from a bookstore.
You use a wide range of vocab, which is nice to read. The words themselves are great, but they don't seem to flow together. There was no thought or emotion in this at all.
In the first paragraph, the second line bothers me a bit because of the cliche "forced her body into full gear, almost home." If she actually is almost home, that last part works, but if it's a baseball reference throw it out. It jolted me out of the story right away.
ReplyDeleteThe vocabulary is strong, but something is off in the pacing and tension. The descriptions are good, but they need to be more abrupt, more desperate. Perhaps chop up the sentences a bit. Make us feel like she's catching quick glimpses of these things as she's panting or as she spirals down the well. Your last paragraph does this already.
If Elara is in the well and already wet, her one tear isn't noticeable, nor is it needed. It's overly dramatic. We know already she's been through a lot.
Your content here is great, and it's a suspenseful end. All it needs is a bit of editing to increase that pace and you'll be doing awesome.
This scene has the potential to be quite gripping, but the writing needs to be cleaned up and tightened.
ReplyDeleteFor example:
Unfortunately, with safety in sight, and the tears filling her eyes, she didn't pay attention to the ground before her.
The above sentence is a bit clunky. It jumps outside of Elara's POV (she wouldn't be aware that she wasn't "paying attention"). The fall into the well needs to be sudden -- we, the reader, need to experience the fall with her.
Perhaps:
Safety was in sight when Elara lost her footing and slipped. This time, nobody was around to catch her, and she fell headlong into a deep, stone well.
In the opening of the next paragraph, the "Down, down, down" reads like a much younger book. I wouldn't use that language in a YA novel.
Overall, the entire description of the fall into the well needs to be shorter. When you think about it, it doesn't take that long to fall down a well -- even a deep one.
This is a compelling beginning for your tale. Work on tightening your writing and this has great potential.
And I love your protagonist's name. :)
Author here.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Authoress. Elara was the name of one of Zeus's mortal lovers. Of course, in this story he goes by his Roman name of Jove. (You seriously can't have guys named Zeus and Poseidon running around Manhattan). I thought about starting the story here, but it messes up one of the plot points. But I do have a new beginning – not the panic attack. Thanks for the pointers. The "down, down, down" was a big wink to Alice in Wonderland - I suppose, in retrospect, this wink doesn't work.
celestialgldfsh- You're absolutely right about those two lines. I can lose them.
Chanelley- the paragraph prior to this is all emotion. But I can work in a bit more. I don't want to be redundant. Her attacker, and I didn't make this clear, is not chasing her. BUT she sees someone illuminated. She's running through the forest, dodging lightning, heart racing, feet pounding, not wanting to die...like her father.
Anyhoo, I'll tighten the screws up some more. Thanks for the comments, guys.
I really liked this. I was already curious where it was going (and would have read on) and then you mentioned Greek mythology...sold.
ReplyDeleteSince you addressed the other comments, I just have one other thing to point out. There were several points where the description (however beautifully written) wasn't believable/appropriate, and it weakened rather than strengthened the piece. I found it mostly in that down, down, down paragraph.
~"Her lungs filled to scream, but there was no sound." (Why not? Is there some magic about the well that makes her mute? If it were me, my scream would have alerted people in another country!)
~"...a cold wetness engulfed her body, pulling her into blackness. The scent of dirt and decayed leaves permeated her nostrils." (How can she smell if she's underwater? Would she be drowning in that case? And if it's so dark in the well, as it should be, then she wouldn't have been expecting to hit the water. So why didn't she swallow some and start choking?)
I think cleaning up/fully realizing the logistics of these kinds of details will really make your already beautiful writing "pop."
Good luck!
I really like this one! There are some really beautiful lines and the tone is quite nice.
ReplyDeleteSmall crits: when you write that the smell 'permiated her nostrils' it removed me from the moment, somehow. Too formal.
You wrote that the color magenta fluttered and then say her eyelids fluttered -- the fluttered's are too close together and can be better worded.
good work!
I agree that the third paragraph needs to be worked on. Too many long, descriptive sentences slowing the pace so it really does feel like she's falling forever. And in this situation, would she really think about wanting to reach for the moon?
ReplyDeleteIt seems backward to have her plunge into the water, then smell dirt and decay, and then be floating. Hard to smell when you're underwater.
The 'single tear' really is over dramatic, especially with her already being wet.
There's some great stuff in here, and if there's some emotional thoughts leading up to it then this should be a good chapter ending with a little work.
This is a great scene!
ReplyDeleteThoughts:
You use a lot of commas which stretches out your sentences. Technically, that’s okay, but you might try mixing things up. Chop up the sentences in the first paragraph to give it a more hurried, desperate feel. Right now it feels choppy in all the wrong ways because I'm pausing on so many commas. Er, I hope that makes sense!
Also, “Elara dug in for a last surge of energy” and “She forced her body into full gear” seem somewhat redundant, especially so close together.
Seems like a good end for a chapter though!
Thanks, everybody! I think I've made some really great changes.
ReplyDelete: )
I think the writing style cuts the tension in this excerpt, since the scenario is one that certainly should make anyone tense!
ReplyDeleteShort sentences seem to enhance tension (e.g., "A last surge of energy powered Elara's legs" and "Elara didn't see the rock. She tripped. Nobody was around to catch her fall" would increase the tension for me).
It also might be more poignant to know what Elara is seeing after the undulating colors. Whose face? Whose smile?
And the tone seems a little off. On one hand, you write that "her pain subsided," which would bring some type of relief to a person in pain. Something like "her body went numb" sends the message that this isn't a good thing (which is what I think you're trying to communicate).
I hope this is helpful!
I see many chapters end this way (And then there was nothing). and it is a sort of cop-out, a way to end a scene.
ReplyDeleteYou can write beautifully so I would suggest working it-don't give in to the easy ending.
Also, "She forced her body into full gear, almost home." Almost gone modifies full gear. Move it around, "Almost home, she forced..
love this: jagged rocks ripping at her uniform, ivy slapping at her cheeks like whips.
Hmmm. I suppose I should explain that Elara does in fact die here. Well, her "mortal" death.
ReplyDeleteAt the start of the next chapter she vaults awake at the side of the well, clutching a book. Do you guys think I should lose the last line???
Maria- I like her body went numb. That works.
All very valid comments above.
ReplyDeleteI would just add this.
I was confused as to whether she landed in water or in dirt - and the medium in which she dies is unclear to me.
I think that her POV is the more compelling and would get rid of the omniscient view describing her fall.
You've used wetness and blackness in the same sentence. Perhaps rework this?
I didn't feel you quite captured her desperation in the first paragraph and found the phrases 'surge of energy' and 'full gear' distancing and clunky. Perhaps some description about her body's reaction to the chase would pull us in more strongly.
I hope you keep on with this
I'd keep reading.
ReplyDelete"Elara dug in for a last surge of energy,"
This feels weak. I don't feel her desperation here.
"Unfortunately, with safety in sight, and the tears filling her eyes, she didn't pay attention to the ground before her. "
This felt like telling rather than showing.
"Once again, Elara tripped on a slippery, moss-covered rock, but this time nobody was around to catch her fall."
by invoking a previous time, you take us out of the flow of current events. The reader can make the connection back to the earlier time, especially when we are only at chapter one.
"Down, down, down, she fell, jagged rocks ripping at her uniform, ivy slapping at her cheeks like whips."
I'm having trouble here. Is she hitting the wall? Is that why the rocks are ripping her uniform?
"until a cold wetness engulfed her body, pulling her into blackness."
Did she fall into water? I have trouble with the events of this entire paragraph.
"The scent of dirt and decayed leaves permeated her nostrils"
This could be simplified.
"And then she was floating."
her reaction to this? I don't get a sense of what she is feeling in this passage.