TITLE: Stop the Presses
GENRE: YA suspense
Reporter Lottie Griffin is hiding in the balcony of a secret underground auditorium, eavesdropping on an emergency meeting of the shadowy Sigma Society, which has been committing crimes on the campus of Davenport University in order to cover up an awful crime committed 40 years ago by one of its former members, Augustus Schirmer. The first speaker is Sigma leader Heath, standing onstage, accusing Lottie's friend Walker of "treason" against the Sigmas. Oh, and they're all dressed as Confederate soldiers.
"Whatever we've done, whatever crime we may or may not have committed in the past few weeks, was done to make sure a good man and fellow Sigma can claim his rightful seat on the bench of the highest court in our country. None of you can look at me and say you'd do any different. We did what had to be done, and with the former Bobby Lee's blessing." His eyes flicked to Schirmer, then back at the audience. He leaned forward, his green eyes glittering. "I'll call any man—and I mean any man," he threw a look back at Walker that could only be described as full of hate, "who says differently a traitor. If you're not with us, you're against us."
Walker took a step back. He looked scared now. Lottie frantically fumbled for her phone. She looked at it, saw she had no signal, and almost screamed in frustration. The slick scrape of metal on metal snapped her attention back to the stage. Heath had pulled Walker's sword from its sheath, and Walker hadn't done anything to stop him. What were they doing?
"Traitors are punished," Heath said calmly. He raised the sword.
"NO!" Lottie screamed. Heads snapped up and turned in the direction of the balcony. Lottie was standing, trembling, and watching as all eyes in the room found her in the darkness above them.
I like it--the dialogue is natural and you leave us hanging--what's going to happen to Lottie? My only suggestion would be for the first paragraph. There's a lot of dialogue without interruption, and then all the narrative interjections come at the end. Try to spread those throughout to break up the first three sentences. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph is rather long, though the dialogue is fantastic. I agree with what Anonymous said above - spread it out a bit more, but keep the actual content the about the same. The look of hate at Walker would probably work just as well after he was done speaking. The fewer "beats" you have, the better the flow.
ReplyDeleteIn the line:"Traitors are punished," Heath said calmly. I think the word "calmly" is unnecessary. We already have a grasp of the villain's coolness. His words speak without a need of an adverb.
The suspense WORKS. This is good stuff. The dialogue, then Lottie's vain efforts to call for help, all of it builds up the tension. I would most certainly want to turn the page. I think this is among the best excerpts I've read.
Hi Writer #42,
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments about the long dialogue in paragraph one. Breaking it up will also give the reader more white space.
This excerpt has good tension, and I love the image of Confederate soldiers mentioned in your intro blurb.
Great tension. I don't mind long blocks of one person speaking, but this one was a bit heavy on the oration factor for YA.
ReplyDeleteI suppose in context, it might not seem all that bad though.
This part: any man," he threw a look back at Walker that could only be described as full of hate, "who says differently a traitor. If you're not with us, you're against us."
I've been seeing people use '-' as the quotes break to and return from near simultaneous action, and I kind of like that punctuation.
Just a thought, really.
Good work.
I would read on.
ReplyDeleteIt needs a bit of polishing, like everything we write tends to need. :)
For instance:
His eyes flicked...
He leaned forward...
This pair of sentences share the same sentence order and structure, and it gives a clunky ring to the paragraph. You may want to rewrite one of them.
(Here's a side thought, too. Does Lottie know he has green eyes? Because if she doesn't already know that, there's no way she could discern his eye color if he's up on the stage, right/)
I would also tighten up the final sentence, so that it packs more of a punch:
Lottie was standing, trembling, and watching as all eyes in the room found her in the darkness above them.
I think the "standing" and "trembling" slows the sentence down.
Try:
Lottie watched as all eyes in the room found her in the darkness above them.
I would read on!
I agree with Authoress's comments and some of the other comments given as well. I think the speech is a little long and maybe not representative of something a teen would say. I think the sentences could be shortened, definitely.
ReplyDeleteThe very last sentence didn't make sense to me at first. At first, it sounded as if we were in someone else's POV. And Authoress is right, she wouldn't be thinking about her own eyes being green.
I'd definitely read on, but I think you could end with a different, catchier hook. Maybe leave it at her screaming "No!" because then I'd HAVE to read on to find out what happens after she screams.
I think this is one of the strongest endings I've read so far. You built up the tension and then...I DON'T KNOW?!
ReplyDeleteI would definitely keep reading.
Because the first paragraph was the first paragraph (see what a great writer I am?), I found it a little hard to make it through the big block o' dialogue. And I wasn't terribly impressed. As I read on, though, the pace picked up until I'd almost forgotten about my initial (not positive) reaction.
Maybe in the context of the rest of the chapter this one paragraph fits, in which case. Bravo/a!
If not, you might want to retool that a bit.
Great job and good luck!
Oh, this is exciting! And scary! I would definitely turn the page here – excellent cliffhanger chapter ending. Good on yer!
ReplyDeleteI think your overall structure and timing are good, so my comments will be nitpicks about details.
Question: I assume that with more context we would know who “the former Bobby Lee” is?
The first paragraph is kind of long. You might consider experimenting with other ways to break it up.
You’ve got quite a bit of alliteration. “The slick scrape of metal on metal” is very effective – that is what it sounds like – but “frantically fumbled” tripped me up, and “green eyes glittering” didn’t really work for me either, somehow. (Also: how far away is Lottie, and how big is this auditorium? Can she really see from the balcony that his eyes are green and/or glittering?)
“Lottie was standing, trembling, and watching as all eyes in the room found her in the darkness above them” – this is, as I said, an excellent place to end the chapter. I think the sentence would be even better if with snappier verbs, though: “Lottie trembled, watching as all eyes in the room found her in the darkness above them”, for example.
Really good, though, and I absolutely would read on. It may be a bit slow at the beginning (though good job on making Heath creep me out just by talking!!), but it's gripping by the end.
Great cliffhanger right at the end there! I want to read on, so this definitely caught my attention.
ReplyDeleteI'd break up the dialogue in the first paragraph to make it more dramatic (although you may have written it that way but something happened when it was uploaded to the blog).
I find shorter senses more dramatic (e.g., "he threw a look back at Walker that could only be described as full of hate" is pretty long vs "he glared at Walker").
Also, I wonder, would someone speak so openly about illegal acts, even at a private meeting? Seems like the talking would be more indirect.
I'm very curious, though, so you accomplished the main job of making a reader want to read on!
Very interesting! I would definitely read on; you've got an exciting plot going on here.
ReplyDeleteI don't think eyes can flick, but rather gazes. That tripped me up, but otherwise, I was hooked.
You've got a lot of good suggestions already, so I'll just note that the only thing that stopped me was the idea that she could see his green eyes "glittering." (I accepted that she might already know his eyes are green, but glittering -- that's hard to see if you're close to the person.)
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I liked this a lot. Great setup and loads of tension.