Holiday Gift #1 -- Christmas Lyrics and Recording For You

Of course I had to jump into the fun-with-lyrics, though I thought I'd wait until after the contest to post mine.  So here you go--my Christmas creation, for you, with love.

(And if you find yourself singing this in the shower, and especially during the month of November--well, my work here is done!)

NANO NANO NANO NANO, OH (Deck the Halls)

NANO NANO NANO NANO, OH (Deck the Halls)

by Authoress (c. Beat Your Own Drum, 2014.  All rights reserved.)

In December in the city, NaNo NaNo NaNo NaNo, Oh.

Agent slush piles don’t look pretty, NaNo NaNo NaNo NaNo, Oh.

30 frenzied days of writing, NaNo Na, NaNo Na, NaNo, Oh.

Lead to off’rings uninviting.  NaNo NaNo NaNo NaNo, Oh.

See the agents kneel before us, NaNo NaNo NaNo Nano, Oh.

As they sing in mournful chorus: NaNo NaNo NaNo Nano, Oh.

“Pardon us for patronizing, NaNo Na, NaNo Na, NaNo, Oh.

“But you all should be revising!” NaNo NaNo NaNo Nano, Oh.

Purple prose and plot holes yawning, NaNo NaNo NaNo Nano, Oh.

Come the authors, blithe and fawning, NaNo NaNo NaNo Nano, Oh.

“Dearest Agent, here’s my query,” NaNo Na, NaNo Na, NaNo, Oh.

Sent with eyes all red and bleary.  NaNo NaNo NaNo Nano, Oh.

Fast away the old year passes, NaNo NaNo NaNo Nano, Oh.

Listen well, you lads and lasses, NaNo NaNo NaNo Nano, Oh.

If you want to land an agent, NaNo Na, NaNo Na, NaNo, Oh.

Toss your NaNo to the pavement! NaNo NaNo NaNo Nano, Oh.

Winners: Holiday Song Lyric Contest

Alison Weiss apparently spent a good chunk of her weekend singing her way through the entries on the blog.  (Because, after all, how can you tell if it's good unless you sing it--right?)  When it came down to it, she couldn't decide between her two favorites--so she's decided to give out TWO PRIZES!

Here are her winners:

1. (I’m Gonna Stick My) Head into the Sand (Winter Wonderland)by SUE FLIESS

My hands wring, at revision.
I don’t see my editor’s vision.
My story is slight,
A total rewrite.
I’m gonna stick my head into the sand.

Deadlines loom, I am sweating.
All my skills, I’m forgetting.
My ending is weak,
My characters, bleak.
Nothing’s turning out as I had planned.

In the margins I can see her edits.
Things like “Done before” and “Too cliché.”
She says “Can you fix this?”
I say, “All right.”
And then I cry into my Cabernet.

Gone away is my sanity.
Every thought is profanity.
My cheeks are all flushed.
My ego is crushed.
I’m gonna stick my head into the sand.

In the margins I can see her edits.
Things like “Done before” and “Too cliché.”
She says “Can you fix this?”
I say, “All right.”
And then I polish off the Cabernet.

I request an extension
So I can give the story tension
But panic sets in
My plot is too thin
I’m gonna stick my head into the sand.


2. “Maybe It’s Gold Inside” (based on “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”) by J WALT SCOTT

I really can’t pay.
(But maybe it’s gold inside.)
Oh I gotta say nay.
(My book’s gold inside.)
This submission has been
(Been hoping that you’d buy in.)
So very strange.
(I’ll fix what you say I should change.)
Our accountants would start to worry.
(Hey editor, you’d better hurry.)
The sales team would be pacing the floor.
(Can’t you hear those critics roar?)
So really would it fit my list?
(Don’t let this unique chance be missed.)
Or maybe I should read a bit more.
(Oh put your hands on chapter four.)
The readers might think . . .
(Yeah, but it’s explained in there.)
Hey, I don’t get this link.
(It all makes sense in there.)
I wish I knew how
(Your eyes see awards coming now.)
To break this spell.
(I’ll work like nuts so it will sell.)
I want to say no, no, no, sir.
(You want to read a little bit closer.)
At least I’m going to say that I tried.
(I long ago lost all of my pride.)
I really can’t pay,
(Don’t hold out.)
But maybe it’s gold inside.

I’m liking the flow.
(Maybe it’s gold inside.)
The answer was no.
(But maybe it’s gold inside.)
The writing has been
(Please love the tale I spin.)
Far past the norm.
(Just look at the climax, a genius brainstorm.)
My boss will be suspicious.
(Gosh, you can grant my wishes.)
My intern will think it’s a score.
(Like classic bestsellers of yore.)
Acquisitions meetings are vicious.
(Please fulfill all my wishes.)
Maybe just a few chapters more.
(You know this is a book you adore.)
Oh I’ve got to stop here.
(But then you’ll regret it out there.)
Here’s what I fear:
(My book will do great out there.)
Will it go as planned?
(There will be Rowling-like demand.)
But don’t you see
(How can you say no way to me?)
They’ll ask about sequels tomorrow?
(Well, there are lots of ideas to borrow)
At least they’ll be a series implied.
(From books whose authors have died.)
I really can’t pay.
(Get over that doubt.)
Maybe it’s gold inside.

CONGRATULATIONS, you two!  Please email me at facelesswords(at)gmail.com for instructions on receiving your prize from Alison.

And thanks to EVERYONE who took the time to write some crazy lyrics.  Your effort is noted and appreciated!

The Christmas/Chanukah Song Lyric Contest -- Now Open!

And here we go!  You've got 24 hours to post your original holiday lyrics.

THE RULES:

• Enter your masterpiece IN THE COMMENT BOX BELOW.
• Absolutely no emails, please. Comment box only.  (In other words, if you're subscribed to this blog via email, you MAY NOT hit reply and email your lyrics. Alison will not see them if you do that.)
• Please do not enter more than TWO masterpieces.
• Please use a screen name by which you will be EASILY IDENTIFIABLE. 
• Lewd entries will be deleted. But you wouldn't do that, anyway.
• Your masterpiece should be an ORIGINAL set of lyrics that go along with a CHRISTMAS CAROL OR SONG or a CHANUKAH SONG. Make sure your theme is writing- or publishing-related. Please include the TITLE of the holiday tune so that we can all sing along.

How do you know if song lyrics are good?  SING THEM!  If they fit naturally with the melody, with the correct syllables accented and decent rhymes, you've got a winner.  If you feel like you're stumbling through or have to force the words to fit the music, then not so much.  So pick your favorites, and see how they line up with Alison's.

Have fun!

Have You Written Your Christmas/Chanukah Parody?

Tomorrow's the big day!  Our Christmas/Chanukah Song Lyric Contest goes live at 8:00 a.m. EST.

HERE ARE ALL THE DETAILS ONE MORE TIME.

The contest will be open for 24 hours.  After that time, comments will be closed, and the delightful Alison Weiss will read the entries and pick her favorite.

It's that simple!

Even if you're not planning on entering the contest, do stop by and enjoy the entries.  I love these opportunities for folks to branch out a little and express their creativity in a new and perhaps a bit silly way.  And honestly?  Writing lyrics isn't easy!  If this is the first time you've tried your hand at it, you know this is true.

I'm looking forward to reading your wonderful offerings tomorrow.  If you have any last-minute questions, please post them below.

A Holiday Thank You

To My Faithful Blog Readers:

Thank you for another year of your eyeballs on my words here.

Thank you for bravely putting forth your work for critique.

Thank you for offering your own critique to others here, who, like you, are striving to better their work.

Thank you for giving feedback when I've asked for it, and even when I haven't.

Thank you for your support and encouragement during my this-isn't-fun times.

Thank you for sending your friends and colleagues here, that they might benefit from our community.

Thank you for sometimes making me laugh out loud.  Or Chesire-grin.  Or tear up with gratefulness.

Thank you for sharing your journeys, your struggles, your victories, your hearts.

Thank you for being teachable.  And for teaching.

Thank you for being one important voice in the Writing Community.  Every time you reach out, you leave your mark.  Every time you pay it forward, a new blessing will come your way.

I'm honored to be here with you.  I love (love! love!) the beauty of writerdom.  And I'm truly thankful for what each of you has given here.

Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas!

Happy New Year!

Naturally, the blog will be dark while I'm feasting on the joy of being with those I love best.  May your holidays be equally rich!

Friday Fricassee

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Thank You

I may as well admit it: I'm not good at receiving.  That's why I squirmed so much when the donate button went up.  Not that I thought it was a bad idea; so many of you had expressed a desire to "give back" somehow.

It's just that I wasn't looking for a way to "get" anything.  This blog--this COMMUNITY OF AWESOME WRITERS--is a gift in itself.  I've said so countless times.

It "gives back" to me on its own, anyway.  Without realizing, really, what I was doing, I've created a solid--albeit anonymous--platform.  A by-product of what was conceived as a community for encouraging writers.  That's an awesome payback all by itself.

Anyway.  Your generosity has blown me away.  And I'm not known for my speechlessness.  As you can probably imagine.

So to each one of you who has so selflessly donated from your pockets:  THANK YOU.  You have created Christmas.  Literally.

To each one of you who has purchased my e-book:  THANK YOU.  I hope you found it a truly helpful tool for your journey.

To each one of you who has written words of encouragement, affirmation, and reminders to never give up:  THANK YOU.  I have been strengthened by your words time and time again.  And they've made me smile.

To each one of you who has shared your personal success story and how the blog played a role in that:  THANK YOU.  It's amazing--and humbling--to watch people reach their goals, touch their dreams.

To each one of you who has generously given the gift of time by leaving thoughtful critiques on countless excerpts throughout the year:  THANK YOU.  This blog wouldn't be what it is without you.

To each one of you who has dealt with the frustrations of the submission process in order to get your work on the blog:  THANK YOU.  I salute you for your bravery AND your patience.

This blog--this COMMUNITY--is one of the hugest blessings in my life.  I am undone.

Wishing you peace, joy, contentment, and THE BEST POSSIBLE FUTURE FOR YOUR WRITING.

And you know I mean that. :-)

Snark! The Haggard Agents Sing

For your listening enjoyment whilst reading and critiquing. :)



(Lyrics HERE.)

A December Gift of Song, or Authoress Sings (again)

Last December, the lovely and remarkable Lauren MacLeod judged a fun Christmas lyrics parody contest for us.  Not wanting to miss out on the fun, I wrote my own, but withdrew it from the contest before it closed.

Then I wheedled my dear husband into recording and producing it for me.  Many of you listened last year when I posted it a few days before Christmas.  But many of you are new around here (don't be frightened) and missed the fun.

And so I present to you a NEWLY MASTERED VERSION of the Authoress Might-Be-A-Classic-Some-Day Christmas Song, with my best wishes for the season!

SNARK, THE HAGGARD AGENTS SING (lyrics below)
Words by Authoress
Recorded and Produced by Mr. A



Snark! The Haggard Agents Sing
(Hark! The Herald Angels Sing)


Snark! The haggard agents sing,
"Email die, and phone, don't ring!
No more queries sent from hell,
No more stories I can't sell.

Give me eggnog, rum, and cookies,
Save me from these writing rookies,
I've rejected forty-four
thousand and six, and maybe more."

Snark! The haggard agents sing,
"Email die, and phone don't ring!"


"Contracts, royalties, and tears,
Fill the weeks and months and years.
Weary, now, I shut my door,
Screaming, as I go, 'NO MORE!'

Editors, I'm tired of waiting,
On my last nerve you've been grating.
Thanks to you, I soon will be
Paying for clients' therapy."

Snark! The haggard agents sing,
"Email die, and phone, don't ring!"


"Give me sand and surf and sun,
I'm in desperate need of fun.
Farewell partial, full, and ARC,
I have had my fill of snark.

Lock the door and turn the light off;
Can't remember my last night off.
Toss the books and pass the gin!
Let the holiday begin!"

Snark! The haggard agents sing,
"Email die, and phone, don't ring!"

Christmas Blessings

Perhaps it's the control freak in me, but I hate walking away from the blog.

Nevertheless, 'tis the season. Though I wanted to pop in to wish you all the merriest of Christmases.

I've got some gingerbread to bake, a few more gifts to wrap.

I've got two more chapters to go on my WIP. (Squee! I mean...squee!)

And I've got a special coffee date this morning.

So. Have a blessed holiday. Enjoy your family, your friends, your down time. Enjoy the sights, scents, impressions of the season. Take time to get in touch with your thankfulness, your sense of contentment.

I'll see you all next week!

***Christmas hugs***

Christmas Gift: Authoress Sings

Here it is! I felt a little, yanno, left out last week when you were all creating great holiday spoofs for Lauren. So I wrote one, and you get to listen.

I give you SNARK! THE HAGGARD AGENTS SING, sung by Authoress and Mr. A, produced by Mr. A (my hero):

(lyrics below, because you absolutely have to sing along...)






Snark! The Haggard Agents Sing
(Hark! The Herald Angels Sing)


Snark! The haggard agents sing,
"Email die, and phone, don't ring!
No more queries sent from hell,
No more stories I can't sell.

Give me eggnog, rum, and cookies,
Save me from these writing rookies,
I've rejected forty-four
thousand and six, and maybe more."

Snark! The haggard agents sing,
"Email die, and phone don't ring!"


"Contracts, royalties, and tears,
Fill the weeks and months and years.
Weary, now, I shut my door,
Screaming, as I go, 'NO MORE!'

Editors, I'm tired of waiting,
On my last nerve you've been grating.
Thanks to you, I soon will be
Paying for clients' therapy."

Snark! The haggard agents sing,
"Email die, and phone, don't ring!"


"Give me sand and surf and sun,
I'm in desperate need of fun.
Farewell partial, full, and ARC,
I have had my fill of snark.

Lock the door and turn the light off;
Can't remember my last night off.
Toss the books and pass the gin!
Let the holiday begin!"

Snark! The haggard agents sing,
"Email die, and phone, don't ring!"

And We Have A Winner!!

Actually, we have a winner preceded by lots of honorable mentions, because you did a fabulous job of entertaining Lauren MacLeod, our illustrious contest judge!

In Lauren's words:

I was pleasantly surprised by how hard it was to pick a winner—you have an exceptionally witty blog community! I was very impressed with all of the writerly carols and I had a blast singing them to myself as I judged the contest. Because of the incredibly high caliber of all the entries, I picked a few that I felt deserved to be showcased as “Best in Breed” in addition to a grand query critique winner. Truly, I had so much fun reading these that everyone who submitted deserves a round of applause.


Best “Inside” Joke:

Holly Bodger

Anon the Constant Query-er
(formerly known as Rudolph...)

Rachelle and Nathan and Jenny and Lauren,
Laurie and Ginger and Colleen and Kristen.
Do you recall
When queries came once, that was all?

Anon the constant query-er
Wrote a book about his woes,
And if you ever read it,
You would even say it blows.

All of the other writers,
Used to laugh and call him names;
They never let poor Anon,
Join in any writer games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Anon came to say:
“Writing, it’s no good for me,
I will stop at fifty-three."

Then how the writers loved him
As they shouted out with glee,
Anon the constant query-er
Thanks for making room for me!"

Best Query in Verse:

Michael

NOvEL QUERY
Sung to the tune of Santa Baby

(Apologies to Ertha Kitt)


Lauren baby,
I need to find an agent this year.
So, here.
Your name was next on my list.
Lauren baby,
So hurry up and ask for the full.

Lauren baby,
The book is absolutely divine.
All mine.
My friends and family agree!
Lauren baby,
Just hurry up and ask for the full.

Horror’s there. And some sci-fi.
My clever combination’s gonna make you cry.
Fantasy in steampunk style.
Half a million words — ANNIE meets THE FLY.

Lauren honey,
“MAGGOT GIRL” is perfect for you.
It’s true.
You’ll love the way that I right.
Lauren honey,
So hurry up and ask for the full.

Lauren cutie,
I’ll send it off today by email
Or snail.
Just tell me which you prefer.
Lauren cutie,
Now hurry up and ask for the full.

Plot is tight. The setting’s right.
Starts out with: “It was a dark and stormy night.”
Turn the page. The goose bumps pop.
Scary! (Maybe safer leaving on your light.)

Lauren baby,
There’s one more thing that I need to do:
Thank you!
Here’s the number to phone.
Lauren baby,
So hurry up and ask for the thing.

Lauren baby,
Just punch your cell and give me a ring.

Lauren baby,
I’m packing for the tour next spring!


The two that I sang all day:

1. Bernell

Sung in a come-hither voice (imagine Eartha Kitt or Marilyn Monroe) to SANTA BABY:

Agent lady, just slip a contract under the tree
For me
Been an awful good writer
Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight

Agent lady, a significant two-book deal, too,
From you
I’ll wait up for you dear
Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight

Think of all the clichés I’ve snubbed
Think of all the first drafts that I haven’t subbed
Next year I could be just as good
If you’d help me become debut pub’d

Agent lady, I want a shot
And really that's not
A lot
Been writing hard all year
Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight

Agent honey, there’s one thing I really do need,
Please read
My proposal and pages
Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight

Agent lady, promise there will be no more rejects,
Just checks
Sign your 'X' on the line
Agent lady, and hurry to my mailbox tonight

Come and rep my manuscript
Don’t ever say “It’s just not right for me”
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me

Agent lady, forgot to mention one little thing,
Ka-Ching
I’d like a bidding war
Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight
Hurry to my mailbox tonight
Hurry ... tonight


2. Empty Refrigerator

I Have a Little Query (to the tune of "I Have a Little Dreidel")

I have a little query
I made it with my brain
And now I've sent it out there
Well, I think I'm going insane

Oh, query, query, query
Then query once again
But if you don’t wannna go crazy
You better learn some Query Zen

I have a little query
I’ve been waiting quite a while
When will my little query
Rise to the top of that slush pile?

Oh, query, query, query
Then query once again
But if you don’t wannna go crazy
You better learn some Query Zen

I have a little query
Hope it has a real nice trip
But I’m all done obsessing
I’m gonna focus on my wip.

Oh, query, query, query
Then query once again
And if you don’t wannna go crazy
You better learn some Query Zen

Best Short:

Katrina C

To the tune of Silent Night

Maaaan-uscript. Uuuun-published
Hero’s da bomb, plot is tight
Her’ine’s a virgin, wants to get laid.
I’m a writer, wants to get paid.
Please, editors publish iii-it
Plee-eze editors publish it.

Best Advice:

Rae Carson

To the tune of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas:

Have yourself a merry little day job
Grow your IRA
Don’t forget
An offer could be miles away

Have yourself a merry little day job
Forty hours per week
Then run home
And type until your knuckles creak

Here it is! What you’ve hustled for
What you’ve suffered for so dear
Wait… this advance covers two months’ rent
Guess you’ll work another year.

Through the years you’ll claw your way to midlist
Klausner loves your work
Your fanbase is family,
bots, and trolling jerks

So have yourself some merry little day job perks!

Runner Up!

Susie

Dear Writerly World,
Please excuse a slight use of creative license in fitting quotations to lyrics.

The Twelve Tips on Queries
(to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas)


1. On most agent websites, query samples show, word count in the first line

2. On Cheryl Klein’s submission page, she infers
Word counts are boring-
But Most want it in the First line

3. On The Wendy Sherman webpage, sub instructions say
tell us why you chose us-
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line

4. On Janet Reid’s blog, she quite often says
I Don’t care Why you Picked me-
Tell us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line.

5. On Janet Reid’s blog, she's also said
250 Words!
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line

6. On the Wendy Sherman webpage, sub instructions read
No More than 2 full pages-
250 Words!
I Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line

7. On the Greenburger webpage, sub instructions say
Include Bio and Synopsis-
No More than 2 pages
250 Words!
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line

8. One day in Twitterverse, Jenn Laughran wrote,
Synopses are of the Devil-
Include a Synopsis
No More than 2 pages
250 Words!
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line

9. On the Wendy Sherman webpage, sub instructions say,
Don’t refer us to your website-
Synopses are of the Devil
Include a Synopsis
No More than 2 pages
250 words!
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line

10. In Nathan’s query samples, he clearly says,
“Cool, she’s got a website!”-
Don’t refer us to you website
Synopses are of the Devil
Include a Synopsis
No More than 2 pages
250 words!
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line

11. In a panel at a conference, an editor said
“You must have a web presence”
“Cool, she’s got a website!”-
Don’t refer us to your website
Synopses are of the Devil
Include a Synopsis
No More than 2 pages
250 words!
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line

12 As I write my query, please do excuse, my head banging up against the wall.
Must have a web presence, Cool, she’s got a website,
Don’t refer us to your website
Synopses are of the Devil
Include a Synopsis
No More than 2 pages
250 words
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line


My favorite, and the winner of the query critique is:

Sonja

Baby It’s Cold Outside:

I really must write,
But baby, it’s half past three
I’ll use candlelight
Baby, it’s half past three
I wish I knew how
Well past our bedtime now
to craft this line,
Come to bed, in the morning you’ll be fine
I want to be done tomorrow
A sleepless night just brings sorrow
Or at least to chapter twenty-five,
It’s late—your words are barely alive
I have a problem with this tableau
I hope you don’t find this shallow:
Or maybe it’s the character’s drive,
You run the risk of sounding contrived
I know that it’s late,
Oh, yes, a while ago
This conflict can’t wait,
And you have miles to go
Tell me my love,
The moon is high above
is this cliché?
Please come to bed, the hour is late
A synonym for ‘delicious’
I know that you are ambitious
‘Scrumptious’, ‘yummy’, ‘luscious’ – not right –
You think if you’re not published you’ll die
I really must write,
This is my last plea
Oh, baby, it’s half past three./Baby, it’s half past three.

-----
To all: Congratulations!

To Sonya: Woot! Email me ASAP for instructions on sending your query to Lauren.

To Lauren: You rock! Thanks for being a part of this.

Writerly Christmas Lyrics Contest Now CLOSED

I'll announce Lauren's winner tomorrow.

And let me just say...wow! I had an amazing amount of fun singing your creations. I'm relieved to not have to be the one to choose a winner!

Thank you VERY MUCH to all who participated!

Writerly Christmas Lyrics Contest Now Open!

Okay, folks! Share your best writing advice/jokes/impressions set to holiday tunes in the comment box below.

THE RULES:

• Absolutely no emails, please. Comment box only.
• Please do not enter more than TWO masterpieces.
• Please use a screen name by which you will be EASILY IDENTIFIABLE. "Anonymous" simply doesn't cut it. Especially if there are more than one.
• Lewd entries will be deleted. But you wouldn't do that, anyway.
• Your masterpiece should be an ORIGINAL set of lyrics that go along with a CHRISTMAS (OR HANUKKAH) CAROL OR SONG. Please include the TITLE of the tune so that we can all sing along.

The contest will open at 8:00 am EST on Monday, December 7, and will close at 8:00 am EST on Wednesday, December 9. Comments will then be closed.

THE PRIZE:

Lauren MacLeod will CRITIQUE THE QUERY LETTER of the person whose entry she deems Best Of All.

The winner will be announced on Thursday, December 10.

Reminder: Cyber Monday Weekend Deal

Don't miss your chance to get a copy of AGENT: DEMYSTIFIED at half price!


The deal:

Purchase your copy of AGENT: DEMYSTIFIED any time from Saturday, November 28 through Monday, November 30 (until 11:59 pm, naturally) and a SECOND COPY will be sent to the email address you specify.

So be sure to SPECIFY A SECOND EMAIL ADDRESS on the Paypal order form.

You'll receive TWO COPIES for $9.99 instead of one.


Click here to buy now.

Or go to AUTHORESSPRESS.COM to learn more about the e-book.

Another Goodie: CYBER MONDAY SALE on Authoress's E-book

Yep. I'm offering a special for Cyber Monday week-end: AGENT: DEMYSTIFED -- Buy one, get one free!

It's a perfect way to go in with a writing buddy and each get your own copy for just $5.49.

Or the perfect way to gift yourself and surprise a friend.

The deal:

Purchase your copy of AGENT: DEMYSTIFIED any time from Saturday, November 28 through Monday, November 30 (until 11:59 pm, naturally) and a SECOND COPY will be sent to the email address you specify.

So be sure to SPECIFY A SECOND EMAIL ADDRESS on the Paypal order form.

You'll receive TWO COPIES for $9.99 instead of one.


Click here to buy now.

Or go to AUTHORESSPRESS.COM to learn more about the e-book.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Our Very Special Christmas Contest!

I promised you some holiday fun, so here it is!

Lauren MacLeod of the Strothman Agency has graciously agreed to team up with me for our first annual WRITERLY CHRISTMAS LYRICS CONTEST.

Actually, Lauren came up with the idea herself. So I roped her right in.

Here's the deal: On Monday, December 7, you will be invited to set your best writing advice/jokes/impressions to holiday tunes.

Here's Lauren's brilliant example:

Joy to the world, my manuscript is done!
Let agents finally see this beast;
let every inbox prepare it room,
And, dear God, let the query sing,
Please, God, let the query sing
Oh god, dear God, let the query sing.

(And you thought she only agented. Pheh.)

THE RULES:

• When the contest blog post appears, you may enter your masterpiece IN THE COMMENT BOX.
• Absolutely no emails, please. Comment box only.
• Please do not enter more than TWO masterpieces.
• Please use a screen name by which you will be EASILY IDENTIFIABLE. "Anonymous" simply doesn't cut it. Especially if there are more than one.
• Lewd entries will be deleted. But you wouldn't do that, anyway.
• Your masterpiece should be an ORIGINAL set of lyrics that go along with a CHRISTMAS CAROL OR SONG. Please include the TITLE of the Christmas tune so that we can all sing along.

The contest will open at 8:00 am EST on Monday, December 7, and will close at 8:00 am EST on Wednesday, December 9. Comments will then be closed.

THE PRIZE:

Lauren MacLeod will call you on your cell phone and SING your masterpiece--live!

Not really.

THE REAL PRIZE:

Lauren MacLeod will CRITIQUE THE QUERY LETTER of the person whose entry she deems Best Of All.

The winner will be announced on Thursday, December 10.

How's that for holiday happiness? It's no secret that I adore Lauren MacLeod; believe me when I say that her feedback on your query letter will probably be the best Christmas present you could ask for.

Oh. You might want to skip entering if you don't have a polished query letter. It would look kinda silly if you won. Yanno?

That's it! Post your questions below; I'll get to them as quickly as I can.

And in the meantime...a little post-holiday fun

I love my readers. *happy face*

Here are three more holiday gems that didn't make it to the blog in time. The first one I completely missed (how do I manage things like that?); the second and third came later. Enjoy!


1. By Tracy Montoya
(Harlequin Intrigue author)

’Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a page got written;
Didn’t even touch my mouse.

My journal was placed
By the table with care,
But I don’t care to open it,
So it’s just sitting there.

My opening is weak,
My love scene is sap,
So instead of revising,
I’m taking a nap.

When out by my mailbox
There arose such a clatter,
I turned off Oprah
And rose to see what was the matter.

Away to the doorway
I flew in a flash,
Jammed a cap on my bedhead and called,
"I’m sorry! I’ll give you cash!"

The mailman was sitting
In the new-fallen snow,
My dog Zelda chewing on his ankle,
While he shrieked, "Dear God, no!"

When what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a letter from Harlequin
About my proposal so dear.

And the papers inside
Made it thin and not thick;
I knew in a moment
It would make me quite sick.

The rejection, more rapid than eagles it came,
And I screamed, and I stomped,
And called the editor a bad name.

"Darn opening lines! Darn characters!
Darn plots I keep fixin’!
Blast scene-and-sequel! Darn fonts!
Oh, that editor is a vixen!

"To the top of the stairs!
Throw my computer from the wall!
Shred my manuscript, toss my journal,
Kick my monitor down the hall!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the housetop in my bathrobe I flew,
With my hard drive, my printer, and my new scanner, too.

And then in a twinkling,
They all bounced off the roof,
And landed on the ground
In a sad little poof.

As I came down the stairs
And was turning around,
Down the sidewalk little Zelda
Came with a bound.

With snow in her fur,
From her head to her foot,
And my letter in her mouth
Covered with doggie drool and soot.

The mailman in haste
Had flung on his pack,
And was running in terror
Without looking back.

Zelda’s eyes, how they twinkled!
Her fangs grinning, how merry!
I took the envelope from her mouth,
And she went to chew on my neighbor Terry.

I unfolded the letter,
Read the contents below,
And my face must’ve looked
Just as white as the snow.

"Dear Tracy," I read as I gritted my teeth.
"How I loved your proposal!
The book to us you must bequeath!

"Your three chapters were perfect,
Your synopsis better than the telly.
I would rather read your book
Than eat chocolate, peanut butter, or jelly."

My novel was gone,
The disks thrown off the shelf.
And I laughed bitterly at my new junk pile,
In spite of myself.

I spoke not a word,
But went straight to my work,
And swept up the pieces
While calling myself a jerk.

And keeping keeping my eyes
Focused firmly on my toes,
I tried to keep from crying
And blowing my nose.

I trudged up the porch steps,
To Zelda gave a whistle,
And she ran to me,
With a disk in her mouth, like a missile.

I exclaimed and I clapped
When the label was in sight. ...

It was the last copy of my novel.
And the disk was all right.


2. by Yvonne Osborne

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Twelve muses musing
Eleven readers reading
Ten critics parsing
Nine calls from Oprah
Eight maids a'cleaning
Seven waste baskets
Six editors scribbling
Five agents on bended knee…
Four bottles of booze
Three movie deals
Two dictionaries
And a publicist and a book tour.


3. Old Pain's Mine by Rubber Burns

Should all your patience be forgot,

And novels tossed aside?

Should all your patience be forgot,

And words let run dry?

Chorus:

For all work takes time, I fear,

For all work takes time,

We'll take a cup of White Out yet

And put it out of mind.

And surely you'll be apt to quit

And surely then will I,

But we'll take a cup of White Out yet

And get back to the grind!

We two have run about the book

And tossed it in the brine

But we've writ many a weary bit

'Fore two thousand and nine.

We all have prattled on the page

From morning until night

But trees hath laid their lives aside

For this cruddy work of mine.

Where there's a hand and trusty pen

The words are bound to shine

And we'll take a knife and pliers then

And shape it up just fine.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Merry Christmas

A blessed and joyful holiday to you and yours.

Put down your pens and enjoy some eggnog and special family time.

I am off to revel in the beauty of Christmas.

Cheers!

Christmas Fun #7

To the tune of "Oh Holy Night"

by Sally Apokedak

Oh perfect night, the manuscript is shining,

It is the night that I've written "the end."

Long did I sweat, in woe and angst with whining,

I persevered, and the story was penned.

A thrill of fear, a worthy foe approacheth

To fight and die, the climax fills the page.

Call all your friends.

Oh pour a glass of bubbly.

The novel is done.

I may now write "fini."

The novel is done. The novel, the novel is done.