THE RULES:
- Absolutely no emails, please. Comment box only.
- Please do not enter more than TWO masterpieces.
- Please use a screen name by which you will be EASILY IDENTIFIABLE. "Anonymous" simply doesn't cut it. Especially if there are more than one.
- Lewd entries will be deleted. But you wouldn't do that, anyway.
- Your masterpiece should be an ORIGINAL set of lyrics that go along with a CHRISTMAS (OR HANUKKAH) CAROL OR SONG. Please include the TITLE of the tune so that we can all sing along.
THE PRIZE:
Lauren MacLeod will CRITIQUE THE QUERY LETTER of the person whose entry she deems Best Of All.
The winner will be announced on Thursday, December 10.
Anon the Constant Query-er
ReplyDelete(formerly known as Rudolph...)
Rachelle and Nathan and Jenny and Lauren,
Laurie and Ginger and Colleen and Kristen.
Do you recall
When queries came once, that was all?
Anon the constant query-er
Wrote a book about his woes,
And if you ever read it,
You would even say it blows.
All of the other writers,
Used to laugh and call him names;
They never let poor Anon,
Join in any writer games.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Anon came to say:
“Writing, it’s no good for me,
I will stop at fifty-three."
Then how the writers loved him
As they shouted out with glee,
Anon the constant query-er
Thanks for making room for me!"
The Twelfth Month of Christmas Dream (To the tune of Twelve Days of Christmas – some words hyphenated to help with the tune.)
ReplyDeleteOn the first month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
An idea for a story
On the second month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
Two char-ac-ters
On the third month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
Three writing blocks
On the fourth month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
Four hundred pages
On the fifth month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
Five re-vi-sions…
On the sixth month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
Six query letters
On the seventh month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
Seven agent ejects (Yeah…that’s what I said [maintain the tune])
On the eighth month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
Eight days depression
On the ninth month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
Nine go girl pep talks
On the tenth month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
Ten bazillion queries
On the eleventh month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
‘Leven full requests
On the Twelve month of writing, my fine brain gave to me,
Twelve agent offers
Tune: Let It Snow by J. Lyon
ReplyDeleteOh my writing block was so frightful
And the storyline so trite-ful Until a vision flooded my soul
Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow!
The muse has no signs of stopping
Lots of coffee’s got me hopping The writing has me all gung-ho
Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow!
When I finally reach the end
How I’ll hate cutting words I adore
But with editing I intend
To have publishers begging for more!
The ache in my back is rising
And my hands are sore from typing But I’m stoked to get this story told
Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow!
What fun!!!!! I love these!
ReplyDeleteTo the tune of "Oh Holy Night"
Oh agent right
Your synop guideline's daunting
I want to query but can't be that brave...
Why must you ask
For such a horrid item?
Can't I pretend that I didn't see it there?
I know I can
I'll send the query lonely
You'll see it and
You'll want me (synop or no!)
YOU...Will want my book
I can HEAR your voice already....
OH ca-----llll me now
Oh call... I'm really nice
Oh call, me N---o-----w,
Oh call
Oh. call. me. now....
Suzyhayze
http://suzyhayze.blogspot.com
“Little Writer Girl”
ReplyDeleteTo the tune of “Little Drummer Boy”
“Write,” they told me, pa rum pum pum pum
A brand new manuscript, pa rum pum pum pum
My finest work to date, pa rum pum pum pum
To send to the agent, pa rum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
So, to finish it, pa rum pum pum pum,
Fast as I can.
Literary agent, pa rum pum pum pum
I’ll send my query to you, pa rum pum pum pum
I have no prior works, pa rum pum pum pum
Please don’t hold it against me, pa rum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Shall I send it to you, pa rum pum pum pum,
Through the mail?
The agent read it, pa rum pum pum pum,
“This is really good,” pa rum pum pum pum
“I think I’d like a full,” pa rum pum pum pum
I wrote my best query, pa rum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Then she chose me, pa rum pum pum pum,
Me and my book.
Here are two for you. They're short and sweet.
ReplyDeleteTo the tune of Feliz Navidad
Puh-leez write me back
Puh-leez write me back
Puh-leez write me back
You’ve got my query, now write me back.
I wanna be a published author
I wanna be a published author
I wanna be a published author
From the bottom of my heart!
To the tune of Silent Night
Maaaan-uscript. Uuuun-published
Hero’s da bomb, plot is tight
Her’ine’s a virgin, wants to get laid.
I’m a writer, wants to get paid.
Please, editors publish iii-it
Plee-eze editors publish it.
The Little Manuscript
ReplyDeletettto The Little Drummer Boy
Come, she told me
Fll-ip-ppp-ppp-ppp
Your pages I will read
Fll-ip-ppp-ppp-ppp
Tension on each of them
Fll-ip-ppp-ppp-ppp
A masterpiece of the pen
Fll-ip-ppp-ppp-ppp
Flip-ppp-ppp-ppp
Flip-ppp-ppp-ppp
She asked me for the full
Fll-ip-ppp-ppp-ppp
My dear manuscript.
O Come, Agent
ReplyDeletettto O Come, Emmanuel
O come, o come, ye agent fair and belle,
And rescue from this vast submission Hell
My manuscript critiqued and trimmed to size,
And on the page my story immortalize.
Rejoice! Rejoice! O seedling of my mind,
Thy time will come, thou'll not be left behind.
*grins sheepishly*
ReplyDeleteMy first novel
was completely inspired
by teenage rage, angst, pitted and mired
And through my mind
rattled thoughts, obsessed and bold;
to see my words printed, read, and sold
Novel! Novel! Novel! My Novel
This is the book the world's been waiting for
I look-ed up and saw
many agents online
so many folks to email, phone, and malign
And so I applied
to each and every soul
listed and not, I was on a roll
Novel! Novel! Novel! My Novel
This is the book the world's been waiting for
Very soon I realized
that this method was blind
some answered, some not, most not kind
The harsh truth was revealed
that something had been neglected;
before sending, I should haven edited
Novel! Novel! Novel! My Novel
This (will be) the book the world's been waiting for
Sung to Jingle Bell Rock
ReplyDeletePitch blurb, hook line, please take a chance,
On my angelic, YA romance.
My characters will make you smile,
please save me from the slushy pile.
Form rejects, e-rejects, give me a break,
Tylenol can't kick my query headache.
Into my inbox, I peek and I shriek,
the hopes and blows are making me weak.
Dear Writerly World,
ReplyDeletePlease excuse a slight use of creative license in fitting quotations to lyrics.
The Twelve Tips on Queries
(to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas)
1. On most agent websites, query samples show, word count in the first line
2. On Cheryl Klein’s submission page, she infers
Word counts are boring-
But Most want it in the First line
3. On The Wendy Sherman webpage, sub instructions say
tell us why you chose us-
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line
4. On Janet Reid’s blog, she quite often says
I Don’t care Why you Picked me-
Tell us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line.
5. On Janet Reid’s blog, she's also said
250 Words!
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line
6. On the Wendy Sherman webpage, sub instructions read
No More than 2 full pages-
250 Words!
I Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line
7. On the Greenburger webpage, sub instructions say
Include Bio and Synopsis-
No More than 2 pages
250 Words!
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line
8. One day in Twitterverse, Jenn Laughran wrote,
Synopses are of the Devil-
Include a Synopsis
No More than 2 pages
250 Words!
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line
9. On the Wendy Sherman webpage, sub instructions say,
Don’t refer us to your website-
Synopses are of the Devil
Include a Synopsis
No More than 2 pages
250 words!
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line
10. In Nathan’s query samples, he clearly says,
“Cool, she’s got a website!”-
Don’t refer us to you website
Synopses are of the Devil
Include a Synopsis
No More than 2 pages
250 words!
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line
11. In a panel at a conference, an editor said
“You must have a web presence”
“Cool, she’s got a website!”-
Don’t refer us to your website
Synopses are of the Devil
Include a Synopsis
No More than 2 pages
250 words!
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line
12 As I write my query, please do excuse, my head banging up against the wall.
Must have a web presence, Cool, she’s got a website,
Don’t refer us to your website
Synopses are of the Devil
Include a Synopsis
No More than 2 pages
250 words
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line
Very impressive, people. Here's mine:
ReplyDeleteWriter’s Block
(Or, Ode To A Failed Children’s Book Writer)
sung to Jingle Bells
Dashing through rewrites
On a story that I should trunk
Trolling agent sites
Has got me in a funk
Time to start anew
Something that’s not been done
No gods, wizards, angels or vamps
Or orphans on the run
Oh, writers’ block, writers’ block
The most annoying bane
The second I sit down I feel
my motivation wane
Writers’ block, writers’ block
You’ve got me in a funk
I need a fresh idea
because my last one really stunk:
A picture book for kids
It told a birthday tale
I thought the story fresh
A sure-fire instant sale
Piñata point of view
Not really well thought-out
“Hey kids, I am your cartoon friend,
now hit me in the snout!”
Oh, bash me hard, spill my guts
Try to make me spew
Forget for just a second
That I look like Pikachu
Smash and grab; push and learn
Lessons I speak of
Candy’s for the quick, so don’t
You hesitate to shove
Oh, bad idea, bad idea
What else can I do?
Everything’s been done before
What’s left is all taboo
Writers’ block, I just need
Something with a hook
I’ve got it now! I think I’ll try
A steampunk picture book.
To tune of Frosty The Snow Man
ReplyDeleteDefroster Dunce Man
Defroster Dunce Man
Was a very careless fool
He would not scrape ice
off his windshield
or any windows
Down to the village
Unable to even see
He'd look through lines
and tiny holes
Because he's too lazy
He motored down the streets of town
right to a traffic cop
He only paused a moment when
He heard him holler: Stop!
Defroster Dunce Man
You better not be on your way
Get off your duff and
clean this stuff
Before you drive away
Scrapity scrape scrape
Scrapity Scrape scrape
Look at Dunce Man go
Scrapity scrape Scrape
Scrapity Scrape Scrape
We can see out the windows!
The Writers' Query Song, to the tune of The Chipmunks Christmas Song (Chrismtas don't be late)
ReplyDeleteAll right you writers! Ready to query your agents?
-I’ll say we are!
-Yeah!
-Let’s query them now!
Ok, Simon?
-Okay!
Okay Theodore?
-Okay!
Okay, Alvin? Alvin? ALVIN!
-OKAY!!!
Query, Query time is here
Time for mail and time for fear
We’ve revised, but we can’t last
Hurry Query, hurry fast.
Want an agent that’s in the loop
I will jump through all your hoops!
We can hardly stand the wait
Please Query, don’t be late.
Ok writers get ready.
Nice query letter, Simon
-Naturally.
Good hook, Theodore.
-Ummm...
Ah, Alvin, you were a little cliché, watch it.
Ah, Alvin. Alvin. ALVIN!
-OKAY.
Please call me, put me in your loop
I'll still jump through your all your hoops.
We can hardly stand the wait
Please Query, don’t be late.
We can hardly stand the wait
Please Query, don’t be late.
Very good, writers.
-Let’s query again! Yeah, let’s query again!
No, That’s enough agents, let’s not overdo it.
-What do you mean overdo it? Agents need to see my work!
-We want to query again.
Now wait a month, writers.
Why can’t we query again?
-[writer twitter]
Alvin, don’t send that email…Theodore, just read the guidelines
Simon, will you sign off the internet? Writers….
Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells:
ReplyDeleteThree hundred thousand words
It took me quite a while
Now I have to shrink it down
To sum up - query style.
The hero's strong and true
The bad guy's gonna rue
The true love's gonna run away
Right in chapter two.
Oh.......
Jingle bells, Queries sell,
Horrid as they may.
Oh my God! I hate this part.
It kills my holiday.
Jingle bells, Queries sell,
Horrid as they may.
Oh my God! I hate this part.
It kills my holiday.
I read my query through
I think I'm gonna spew
My romance manuscript, it seems
Sounds more like Chainsaw 2!
After eight more tries,
The query's not yet right.
I grab a drink and start to think
I'm wound just too damn tight!
Jingle bells, Queries sell,
Horrid as they may.
Oh my God! I hate this part.
It kills my holiday.
Jingle bells, Queries sell,
Horrid as they may.
Oh my God! I hate this part.
It kills my holiday.
The book it took a year
The query four months more
I think I fin'ly got it down
I'm heading out the door.
To the box I go
To mail it right away
Fingers cross, oh God please work!
Please Agent say "okay!"
Jingle bells, Queries sell,
Horrid as they may.
Oh my God! I hate this part.
It kills my holiday.
Jingle bells, Queries sell,
Horrid as they may.
Oh my God! I hate this part.
It kills my holiday.
NOvEL QUERY
ReplyDeleteSung to the tune of Santa Baby
(Apologies to Ertha Kitt)
Lauren baby,
I need to find an agent this year.
So, here.
Your name was next on my list.
Lauren baby,
So hurry up and ask for the full.
Lauren baby,
The book is absolutely divine.
All mine.
My friends and family agree!
Lauren baby,
Just hurry up and ask for the full.
Horror’s there. And some sci-fi.
My clever combination’s gonna make you cry.
Fantasy in steampunk style.
Half a million words — ANNIE meets THE FLY.
Lauren honey,
“MAGGOT GIRL” is perfect for you.
It’s true.
You’ll love the way that I right.
Lauren honey,
So hurry up and ask for the full.
Lauren cutie,
I’ll send it off today by email
Or snail.
Just tell me which you prefer.
Lauren cutie,
Now hurry up and ask for the full.
Plot is tight. The setting’s right.
Starts out with: “It was a dark and stormy night.”
Turn the page. The goose bumps pop.
Scary! (Maybe safer leaving on your light.)
Lauren baby,
There’s one more thing that I need to do:
Thank you!
Here’s the number to phone.
Lauren baby,
So hurry up and ask for the thing.
Lauren baby,
Just punch your cell and give me a ring.
Lauren baby,
I’m packing for the tour next spring!
Query Fail, to the tune of Jingle Bells:
ReplyDeleteDashing through my draft
A race to the finish line,
Send it to an agent
With glitter and a bottle of wine!
She’ll love my thoughtful gift,
I know I got it right
She’ll be calling anytime
I’ll snare an agent tonight!
Oh, query fail, query fail,
Botched it all the way!
I wish I’d read the agents blog
‘Cause no one called today!
Query fail, query fail,
Botched it all the way!
I wish I’d read the agents blog
‘Cause no one called today!
It had been three days
But I still hadn’t heard
And so I hit resend
Without another word.
Her inbox might be full,
Something must be wrong;
I knew it was a masterpiece
‘Cause I heard it from my mom!
Oh, query fail, query fail,
Botched it all the way!
I wish I’d read the agents blog
‘Cause I had no luck today!
Query fail, query fail,
Botched it all the way!
I wish I’d read the agents blog
‘Cause I had no luck today!
Another week went by,
And so this seemed to say
I should just resend my letter
Every single day,
I don’t know why she sent
Her curt ‘Cease and Desist.’
I thought we were such good friends
But I see I’ve just been dissed!
Query fail, query fail,
Botched it all the way!
I wish I’d read the agents blog
‘Cause I had no luck today!
Oh, query fail, query fail,
Botched it all the way!
Wish I’d read the agents blog
‘Cause no one called today!
Baby It’s Cold Outside:
ReplyDeleteI really must write,
But baby, it’s half past three
I’ll use candlelight
Baby, it’s half past three
I wish I knew how
Well past our bedtime now
to craft this line,
Come to bed, in the morning you’ll be fine
I want to be done tomorrow
A sleepless night just brings sorrow
Or at least to chapter twenty-five,
It’s late—your words are barely alive
I have a problem with this tableau
I hope you don’t find this shallow:
Or maybe it’s the character’s drive,
You run the risk of sounding contrived
I know that it’s late,
Oh, yes, a while ago
This conflict can’t wait,
And you have miles to go
Tell me my love,
The moon is high above
is this cliché?
Please come to bed, the hour is late
A synonym for ‘delicious’
I know that you are ambitious
‘Scrumptious’, ‘yummy’, ‘luscious’ – not right –
You think if you’re not published you’ll die
I really must write,
This is my last plea
Oh, baby, it’s half past three./Baby, it’s half past three.
To the tune of Last Christmas by George Michael (this is my 2nd entry)
ReplyDeleteLast Christmas I sent an email
But the very next day, you told me no way.
This year to save me from tears
I fixed my novel so it’s special
Last Christmas I sent an email
But the very next day, you told me no way.
(you told me no way)
This year to save me from tears
I fixed my novel so it’s special
(special)
Once requested now twice denied
I query others, but you still catch my eye
Tell me agent, do you recognize me
Well it’s been a year, it doesn’t surprise me.
I wrote the query and sent it
With a note saying “represent me” I meant it
Now I know what a fool I’ve been,
But I read your guidelines, you can’t fool me again
Last Christmas I sent an email
But the very next day, you told me no way.
(you told me no way)
This year to save me from tears
I fixed my novel so it’s special
(special)
Last Christmas I sent an email
But the very next day, you told me no way.
This year to save me from tears
I fixed my novel so it’s special
(special)
Oh, oh you agent!
Slush pile, assistants with tired eyes
I’m scared your next rejection letter will bite
Oh man, you were my agent who I’d rely on
Me, I guess I was in need of a rejection
Your name on a website gave me fire in my heart
Agent undercover, but you tore me apart
Ooh hoo, now I’ve read the guidelines
You can’t fool me again
Last Christmas I sent an email
But the very next day, you told me no way.
(you told me no way)
This year to save me from tears
I fixed my novel so it’s special
(special)
Sung to the tune of "Grandma Got Run Over by A Reindeer"
ReplyDeleteBook pitch got run over by a braggart
Elbowing right past me at the con
You might say that good voice gets attention
But my poor pen is weaker than his brawn
Fun Contest!
ReplyDeleteOh Query!
(Sung to Oh Cristmas Tree)
Oh Query, Oh Query!
How clever are your sentences.
Oh Query, Oh Query!
How clever are your sentences.
Entice an agent with the hook,
someone who’ll help me sell my book.
Oh Query, Oh Query!
How clever are your sentences.
Oh Query! Oh Query!
Thy words hold all the power.
Oh Query! Oh Query!
Thy words hold all the power.
A summary so well-equipped,
they’ll want to read the manuscript.
Oh Query! Oh Query!
Thy words hold all the power.
Oh Query! Oh Query!
Do well to represent me.
Oh Query! Oh Query!
Do well to represent me.
Convey my new and unique voice,
so I will be the agent’s choice.
Oh Query! Oh Query!
Do well to represent me.
Jingle Bells
ReplyDeleteSending countless notes
Chasing after quotes
Deadlines loom galore
Writing’s this and more;
Find the exact word –
One you’ve never heard
Flow-charts on the wall –
Surely that’s not all?
Refrain:
Read and write, do it right, if you want to be
Up there in the shelves and nooks
With someone who sells books
Oh... (repeat)
When you see the light
You can start to write
Query and explore
Till your eyes are sore.
Make sure facts are right;
Make sure plot is tight;
A success you’ll be –
Just you wait and see...
Tanja Cilia
I Have Myself the Perfect Manuscript
ReplyDelete(to the tune of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas)
I have myself the perfect manuscript.
Agents will flock to me.
From now on my life will be in luxury.
I have myself a bestselling novel.
New York Times watch out.
From now on my book will be at number one.
Here I am talking with Oprah
She’ll postpone retirement for me.
Jealous friends will ignore me
But I don’t need them at all.
Through the years
I’ll win Nobel and Pulitzer
When they read my book.
Place awards in my trophy case for all to see.
I have myself the most talent of all writers.
And now for The Little Writing Droid
(sung to the tune of The Little Drummer Boy)
Come they told me, Pa rum pum pum pum
These voices speak to me, Pa rum pum pum pum
I didn’t want to hear, Pa rum pum pum pum
But they were always near, Pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
So to silence them, Pa rum pum pum pum
I wrote it all down.
First a baby, Pa rum pum pum pum
And then a poor boy too, Pa rum pum pum pum
They started talking, Pa rum pum pum pum
About their inane lives, Pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Fine, I’ll write it too, Pa rum pum pum pum
Just go away.
Finally, Pa rum pum pum pum
The story’s on the page, Pa rum pum pum pum
I wrote it all for them, Pa rum pum pum pum
So they would shut the hell up, Pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Then we were alone, Pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my brain.
(Author's note: But not for long...)
(To the tune of Deck the Halls)
ReplyDeleteDeck the walls with rejection slips
Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah Blah
This manuscript isn't cutting it
Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah Blah
Been writing for days in the same apparel
Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah Blah
Seek an agent, drink a barrel
Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah Blah
Maribeth:)
Awesomesauce! My contributions:
ReplyDelete(Tune: O Holy Night)
O Holey plot! The ills are brightly shining,
It is the sight of my book's glaring dearth.
I slayed the words - the adverbs are a-piling,
Till I'm a-feared it's the worst work on Earth.
A thrill of hope, the beta reader voices,
“You could just add a vampire like New Moon!”
Hail liver disease!
Oh, drink like the James Joyces!
O plot malign,
The sad clichés shoehorn.
O plot malign!
O plot malign!
Led by the thought that I am J.K. Rowling,
With glowing smile, I took up my pen.
Now 10K in, in adjectives I'm drowning,
My critique partners won't read again.
The hero is a brute - you cannot love him;
The heroine is too stupid to live.
Why did I start?
No, never quit your day job!
Behold: it sucks!
I need to see a shrink.
Behold: it sucks!
Behold: it sucks!
Truly, my mother doesn't even like it,
My husband runs when the laptop I fetch.
I've wasted my life; I'm nothing but a half-wit.
There's nothing left but to give up and retch.
The only hope is Harlequin Horizons,
And what the hell, it’s only my money.
I'll buck the trend!
I'll outsell Helen Fielding!
I'll buck the trend!
I'll buck the trend!
------------
(Tune: It Came Upon a Midnight Clear)
It came upon a midnight clear,
That terrible e-mail so cold.
From agent, sending without mirth;
In it, he baldly told:
“Your book is horrid. I cannot ken
Why you would dare send me this thing!
Please burn it, lady, without delay.
You are no Stephen King.”
Still through my cries and salty tears,
A desperate thought a-whirled;
I’ll send him six more chapters, then
He’ll rue the insults he hurled!
Alas! My plan, it went awry --
My praises he did not sing.
His next sad missive, it started, “Zounds!
Your e-mail I am blocking.”
O, Mr. Agent, why do you goad,
Me to reach for the Bordeaux?
I toiled three decades on my great book --
You’ve eight hundred pages to go!
Look now, I’m sure he never glowers
At authors who show up and bring
Their book, in person, with cheery flowers;
Yes, by his office I’ll swing!
And that, dear reader, is why I sit,
In jail cell so icky with mold.
The bail will clean me out, and still
My manuscript’s unsold.
Restraining orders are impolite;
Rejections, they surely sting.
But I’m a wonderful writer, so
I’ll send him my next book this spring!
#1
ReplyDeleteTo the tune of "Oh, Christmas Tree"-
Dear Agent, please,
Dear Agent, please,
Fall in love with my query.
Dear Agent, please,
Dear Agent, please.
That would make Christmas merry.
Request my full and then you'll say
"I'll represent you right away."
Dear Agent, please,
Dear Agent, please,
Fall in love with my query.
Dear Agent, please,
Dear Agent, please,
Tell me you've heard of 'Twilight.'
Dear Agent, please,
Dear Agent, please.
Mine reads like that. It has bite.
My prose will make your li'l heart sing.
I'm sure this is the next big thing.
Dear Agent, please,
Dear Agent, please,
Fall in love with my query.
#2
To the tune of "Silent Night"-
Silent night - need one to write.
Work's a zoo. Home is, too.
Can't recall when the floor was last clean,
But I just want to finish this scene.
Dream of writing in peace...
I dream of writing in peace.
Silent night - need one to write.
Points of view are askew.
MC's running around in my head,
But I really should get to bed.
Dream of writing in peace...
I dream of writing in peace.
Silent night - need one to write.
Kid's up late. I can't wait.
My computer is calling to me.
Laundry's piled as high as can be.
Dream of writing in peace...
I dream of writing in peace.
Sung to the tune of "Angels We Have Heard on High"
ReplyDeleteAgents we have heard on high
Sweetly scribing through the night
And assistants in reply
echoing their brave delight
GL-O-O-O-O-O-R-I-A
Break out the Pinot Grigot!
GL-O-O-O-O-O-R-I-A
We're repping a genius named Mary Jo-o-o-o!
(Jingle Bell Rock with a Novelist Kick)
ReplyDeleteQueries Sell Rock
by Martha Ramirez
Queries sell, queries sell, queries that sell rock
Queries that sell bling and queries that sell aren't boring
Praying and hoping for acceptance from someone.
Now the waiting has begun.
Queries sell, queries sell, queries that sell rock
Query bells chime in their own special time
Hoping and pleading that I'll soon be there
Able to share.
What an uptight time, it's the right time
To rock the rejections away
Queries sell time is a swell time
To celebrate in each every way.
Giddy-up novelists, pick up your feet
Query around the clock
Mix and a-mingle in the publishing feat.
That's the queries sell,
That's the queries sell,
That's the queries sell rock.
Since my 1st forgot the whole query part, make better with #2
ReplyDeleteTo tune of Frosty The Snow Man
I have a Query
We had a Query
It’s a very good story
He would not make nice
With his writers
Or anyone else
Down to the village
There they came to see
He'd look through lines
Of manuscripts
Because he's too busy
He motored down the streets of town
Right to a traffic cop
He only paused a moment when
He heard him holler: Stop!
I have a Query
You better listen here today
Get off your duff and
Read this stuff
Before you drive away
Writity write write
Writity write write
Read my Query now
Writity write write
Writity write write
We can sell these books and how!
Leavin’ me Lost in Wonderland: sung to the tune of Walking in the Winter Wonderland
ReplyDeleteThe phone rings
He ain’t listenin’
Agent ignores
but I insist on
my submission tonight
But he took a flight
Leavin’ me lost in wonderland
Gone away is the book nook
Here to stay is the e-book
Read on the cheap
can’t make ends meet
if Kindle replaces book stands
In the morning I’ll call my agent
And he’ll pretend that he is out of town
I’ll leave three more messages
While his silence causes my head to pound
Oh, the pain
of rejection
I can’t make
the connection
He tells enough lies
He wears a disguise
Leavin’ me lost in wonderland
My Book Is On Amazon
ReplyDelete(Santa Claus is Coming to Town)
Oh, you’d better watch out
for my next book.
Keep an eye out
‘cause you’ll want to look.
My book is on Amazon.
It’s in the top ten.
I’ve checked it now twice.
I’ve finally made it.
Isn’t it nice.
My book is on Amazon.
Rejected by Random House
And Harper Collins, too.
Now it’s making big bucks
and they’re all crying boo-hoo.
Well the process is hard
and it often is long.
But if you stick with it
you’ll be singing this song.
My book is on Amazon.
Mine's to the tune of Silver Bells.
ReplyDeleteQuery Hell
Busy writing
Keyboard fighting
My tenth draft took its toll
Sent it out
To my beta’s
Sharp scalpels
Then there’s tapping
Keyboard rapping
Fixing hole after hole
‘Til it’s good as this writer can get.
Query hell, query hell
Rejections come, what a pity
Email pings, damn this thing
When will it be a request?
Made my prose tight
Got the voice right
Through each perfect-paced scene
Followed each
Agents’ wish to
The letter
Got the format
Query’s down pat
She won’t know that I’m green
Yes, it’s good as this writer can get.
Query hell, query hell
Rejections come, what a pity
Email pings, my heart sings
My God, I got a request!
Offering Number Two
ReplyDeleteUh, Oh
(O Holy Night)
O Godly one,
why won’t you be my agent?
Why won’t you e-ven give me half a chance?
You won’t look at my work,
unless I write a query
and a synop-sis that must fit on one page.
Such stupid rules.
My work is good, just read it.
Don’t be a fool
or you’ll regret it soon.
FALL . . . on your knees!
I GAVE you a million chances!
Toni-ight your mine!
Oh your mine!
And I am mad.
You had your cha -a - ance.
Now tonight
Oh, oh oh oh tonight
You’re mine!
I'm Beginning to Think My Book is Finished
ReplyDelete(It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas)
I'm beginning to think my book is finished,
I don't have far to go
Take a look at my cover page,
I think that it might engage
Some agents in New York if apropos...
I'm beginning to think my book is polished,
It no longer makes me snore,
But the prettiest sight I'll see is the offer that will be
On my own front door.
No more typos for me, and adverbs? I've three
My dialogue seems to be tight
I've got a good hook, if you'd just take a look
I'll send you some Turkish delight.
And Mom and Dad can hardly wait to see my book in print.
I'm beginning to think my book is worthy
It's no longer incomplete
I can't handle another slip, rejection just isn't hip,
So please make me an offer toute de suite.
I'm beginning to think my book is perfect
Soon the reps will call,
And the thing that will make them ring,
Is the awesome tingling
My book gives them all.
Joy to the world, writer style:
ReplyDeleteJoy to the world, my first draft’s done!
Let the real work commence;
Let every character, scene and dialogue,
Be edited to it’s core,
Be edited to its core,
Be edited, and edited, to its core!
Afterthoughts (To the tune of “The 12 Days of Christmas”)
ReplyDeleteWhen I got my first rejection, this thought occurred to me:
I’d better write a stronger query.
When I got my next rejection, these thoughts occurred to me:
I’ll read Strunk & White’s,
And I’d better write a stronger query.
(This would get incredibly long if I wrote each verse out in full, so I’m skipping to the end)
When I got my twelfth rejection, these thoughts occurred to me:
I won’t self-publish!
I’ll shorten the synopsis
Cut out the prologue
Add microtension
Add some love-interest
Join a critique group
Make up some credits...
Give me a break!
I’ll use Courier,
Run Spell-Check,
Reread Strunk &White’s,
And I’d better write a stronger query.
-Joanna H
Up on the Laptop by the tune of Up on the Rooftop
ReplyDeleteUp on the laptop my fingers pause
Out jumps good ole Santa Clause
Down through my imagination he brings lots of joys
All for the fantasy my mind employs
Ho ho ho, who would show
Ho ho ho, who would know
Up on the laptop
Click click click
Down went my sanity
Lickity split
Here's my second one. :)
ReplyDeleteMay be less obvious - think "I saw momma kissing santa claus".
***
(sound of money chinking)
Oh I watched my friend sell her manuscript
to a famous friendly agent last week
It occurred to me as she danced with glee
that hey, that could also be me
getting money deals for doing something
as simple's sitting in front of the computer screen
So I ran out to get a fabu-new laptop
just as fast as the store opened that day
the salesman didn't hesitate to point the way
where the most expensive computer thing lay
thought it was the most beautiful thing I ever seen
And I went straight home to get to work
setting up my master machine all shiny new
it powered up in a moment or two
but needed more things downloaded and to do
my nights came too soon to open a new word file
Somehow time went by faster than I hoped
before I typed the very first single word
there were games to be played and best friends heard
that my new blogsites had to be set up and toured
meanwhile all my novel ideas went stale & forgotton in a pile
My friend sold her third book last week and
asked me how my writing was getting on
I panicked and ran for my stack
but sadly couldn't keep track
where all my time or computer memory had gone
Maybe I just needed a new computer....
12 Tasks of Writing
ReplyDelete(To the tune of 12 Days of Christmas)
On the twelfth day of revisions, my editor demanded of me
Twelve chapters chopped up,
Eleven emotions elucidated,
Ten fingers flying,
Nine scenes restructured,
Eight new pages churned out,
Seven grammar rules broken,
Six sentences stricken,
Five plot points mapped,
Four character arcs,
Three P-O-Vs,
Two genres melded,
And a great query on an agent’s desk!
Tune: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
ReplyDeleteGrandma got wrung over 'bout her career
Writing’s a syndrome hard to perceive.
You can say there’s no such need for commas,
But as for me an' Grandpa, we believe.
She’d been plotting too much prologue.
And her pitch had reached a low.
But she queried in desperation,
And she staggered to the mailbox for a No.
When we found her the next morning,
At the scene of the climax.
There were font prints on her forehead,
With punctuatin’ clause marks: No flashbacks.
Oh, Grandma got wrung over 'bout her career
Writing’s a syndrome hard to perceive.
You can say there’s no such need for commas,
But as for me an' Grandpa, we believe.
To the tune of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas:
ReplyDeleteHave yourself a merry little day job
Grow your IRA
Don’t forget
An offer could be miles away
Have yourself a merry little day job
Forty hours per week
Then run home
And type until your knuckles creak
Here it is! What you’ve hustled for
What you’ve suffered for so dear
Wait… this advance covers two months’ rent
Guess you’ll work another year.
Through the years you’ll claw your way to midlist
Klausner loves your work
Your fanbase is family,
bots, and trolling jerks
So have yourself some merry little day job perks!
Sing to the tune of "Jingle Bells"
ReplyDeleteDashing to your desk,
New ideas filling up your head,
You have to write them down,
Although you should be in bed.
You reread chapter one,
For the seventh hundred time,
Dissecting every paragraph,
And reworking every line.
Oh,
Write every day,
Write every night,
You just can't get enough.
Query letters,
Amazing hooks,
Literary agents so tough!
Oh,
Write every day,
Write every night,
You just can't get enough.
Publishing is a distant dream,
But writing is your greatest love!
Your brain begins to buzz,
You're making progress now,
Maybe it is 3 am,
But you'll stay awake somehow.
Do the adverbs sound too flat?
Is the voice going to shine through?
Are my characters jumping off the page?
Should I just trash my chapter two?
Oh,
Write every day,
Write every night,
You just can't get enough.
Query letters,
Amazing hooks,
Literary agents so tough!
Oh,
Write every day,
Write every night,
You just can't get enough.
Publishing is a distant dream,
But writing is your greatest love!
Plea
ReplyDelete(To the tune of ‘God Rest You Merry, Gentlemen)
Receive ye kindly, Editors, this manuscript of mine.
There’s tension in each paragraph and craft in every line;
So though I’ve labored long in vain to make this query shine,
Please read the sample pages below, pages below,
Please read the sample pages below.
-Joanna H
To- God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
ReplyDeleteAgents sing
God help you who do query me to edit all those words.
Your adjectives are killing me, your premise is absurd.
I do not need to know your size and first name of your bird.
One more edit, and I might ask for more, maybe a full.
One more edit, and I might ask for more.
Writers sing
God help me with this query please an agent I would love.
Please send her massive love for me from heaven up above.
I want to sell this manuscript so give her a small shove.
Its hard waiting, I want to hold my book, before I die.
Its hard waiting, I want to hold my book.
Agents sing
Dear writer who did query me I will not read your book.
My guidelines are up plain to see, did you give them a look?
I do not rep this genre and your query had no hook.
I want writers to look at my web site. Don’t waste my time.
I want writers to look at my web site.
Writers sing
Dear agent who did reject me I learned my lesson well.
When I finished my new story, my head began to swell.
My mother said she loved it and my dad said so as well.
I thought fiction could be a million words, if they were good.
I thought fiction could be a million words.
Agents sing
God help me through these queries please, I do not want to snark.
A manuscript I’d like to see that won’t sit up and bark.
I’m drowning in these queries and I soon may need an ark.
I need stories, well written with a hook, not a tired trend.
I need stories well written with a hook.
Writers sing
God help me send this query please, a new book I did write.
When I revised this manuscript, deleting I did fight.
But common sense won out in time and now the writings tight.
I did research and found the right web sites and the blogs too.
I did research and found the right web sites.
Agents sing
Dear writer would you send to me you story via mail?
Your writing did not suck you see, your hook, it did not fail.
I’m sure we’ll have revisions but in time we will prevail.
Here’s a contract, now I will sell you book, using your hook.
Here’s a contract, now I will sell your book.
(These are great! I'm on vacation with a sketchy connection so I hope this works...)
ReplyDelete"Oh Manuscript" (to the tune of "Oh Christmas Tree")
Oh Manuscript, oh manuscript,
How lovely are thy pages.
Your conflict's clear -- right from the start,
Your characters -- show strength and heart,
Your ending so -- sublime and deep
Would even make -- an agent weep.
Oh Manuscript, oh manuscript,
How lovely are thy pages.
Your premise has -- the mass appeal
To get a rec -- ord breaking deal
And with your fresh -- and modern twist
You'll make the Times' -- Bestsellers List.
Oh Manuscript, oh manuscript,
How lovely are thy pages.
I lay you in -- your envelope
And send you off -- on wings of hope.
Oh Manuscript, oh manuscript,
How lovely are thy pages.
(second entry)
ReplyDelete"Ho-hum the Boring Query" (to the tune of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer)
Ho-hum the boring query,
had a bland, generic hook,
and if you ever saw it,
you would know you'd hate the book.
All of the other queries
had at least a smidge of spunk,
but Ho-hum the boring query
Abso-positively stunk.
To O' Christmas Tree: O' Contract Please
ReplyDeleteOh, Lauren dear, oh Lauren dear,
When will my book deal get here?
Oh, Lauren dear, oh Lauren dear,
When will my book deal get here?
I've read advice from Miss Snark.
I've submitted twice to Query Shark.
Oh, Lauren dear, oh Lauren dear,
When will my book deal get here?
Writer's Block: O Come O Come Inspiration
ReplyDeleteBy Amy J. (not actually a romance writer!)
O come, o come inspiration,
And give my tale romantic action!
Cate mourns in lonely spinsterhood,
While Robert waits, who loved her from boyhood.
Thinking! Thinking! Inspiration
Shall come to me, now, introspection!
O come, o come, Lord Westenbury fall,
In love with Catherine at the squire's ball.
Escort our heroine on a gentle drive
In thy curricle, and for her hand connive!
Thinking! Thinking! Inspiration
Is coming, now, deliberation!
O come, o come, o difficulties,
True love must conquer other beauties.
Who long for Westenbury's hand,
And scheme to be the Lady o'er his land!
Thinking! Thinking! Inspiration,
Please come to me, there's desperation.
O come, o come, a wedding will cure
Lord Westenbury's rakish lures.
But oh! A twist! Catherine sees sense,
And will not tolerate his mistress.
Thinking! Thinking! Inspiration,
You've come to me: She's found gumption!
O come, o come, our Catherine turns to Rob,
Though not a peer, he's rich as a nabob.
Lord Westenbury, robbed of his bride,
Stabs himself; “I loved you, Cate!” he cried.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Inspiration
Has come! It's Regency perfection!
Edward the High School Vamipire
ReplyDelete(Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)
Edward the high school vampire
had a very shiny skin.
And when the pre-teens saw it,
they would fall in love with him.
All of the other vampires
used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Edward
bat in any baseball games.
Then one corny climax scene
Bella came to say:
"Edward with your fangs so bright,
won't you bite my neck tonight!"
Then all the vampires loved him
as they shouted out in glee,
Edward the high school vampire,
you'll go down in history!
from Mark in the Seattle area
Wow! I'm impressed by all the talent and creativity of this group! Here's my first one:
ReplyDeleteTune of: Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
Rose of the small-town stories, has a lot of bright ideas,
And, if you've ever read them,
you would know just how she feels.
All of the other agents
wouldn't take the time to look,
So, Rose hopes this song will get her,
at least a little helpful hook.
Then, if Laura picks this song,
I hope she'll choose to say:
"Rose, with your ideas so bright,
Won't you send a query tonight?"
Then all the publishers will love it.
And they'll all shout out with glee,
"Rose, of the small-town story,
You'll go down in history."
Song with descants:
Rose of the small town stories,
has a lot of bright ideas (like a Christmas star)
And, if you ever read them,
you would know just how she feels. (like in Mitford)
All of the other agents wouldn't take the time to look (sob, sob)
So, Rose hopes this song will get her at least a little helpful hook. (and a contract)
Then if Laura picks this song,
I hope she'll choose to say:
"Rose, with your ideas so bright,
Won't you send a query tonight?"
Then all the publishers will love it, (a bidding war!)
And they'll all shout out with glee, (yippee)
"Rose, of the small-town story,
You'll go down in history!" (like Shakespeare!)
I think I should have labeled my entry from "Rose of the red face." Please change first line of the chorus to:
ReplyDeleteThen if Lauren picks this song...
Sung in a come-hither voice (imagine Eartha Kitt or Marilyn Monroe) to SANTA BABY:
ReplyDeleteAgent lady, just slip a contract under the tree
For me
Been an awful good writer
Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight
Agent lady, a significant two-book deal, too,
From you
I’ll wait up for you dear
Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight
Think of all the clichés I’ve snubbed
Think of all the first drafts that I haven’t subbed
Next year I could be just as good
If you’d help me become debut pub’d
Agent lady, I want a shot
And really that's not
A lot
Been writing hard all year
Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight
Agent honey, there’s one thing I really do need,
Please read
My proposal and pages
Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight
Agent lady, promise there will be no more rejects,
Just checks
Sign your 'X' on the line
Agent lady, and hurry to my mailbox tonight
Come and rep my manuscript
Don’t ever say “It’s just not right for me”
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me
Agent lady, forgot to mention one little thing,
Ka-Ching
I’d like a bidding war
Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight
Hurry to my mailbox tonight
Hurry ... tonight
Candy Canes in the Keyboard
ReplyDelete(sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Dashing through the words, twenty-eight pages today,
O’er the characters I stomp, I’ve got a lot to say,
Fingers punching out this thing, write it all tonight,
O what fun it is to munch and write, write, write, write, write.
(Chorus)
Candy canes in the keyboard, turkey all the way,
O what fun it is to yap on an eggnog splattered day,
Candy canes in the keyboard, rum sauce and cabernet,
O what fun it is to yak over truffles on Christmas Day.
An hour or two ago, the truth I must tell,
I waddled out to the store, and on my caboose I fell,
A New York agent was riding by toward the Hudson Bay,
And when he fell, too, in cranberry fondue, in his ear I had to say…
(Chorus)
Candy canes in the keyboard, mincemeat all the way.
O what fun it is to yap on an eggnog splattered day,
Candy canes in the keyboard, gingerbread all the way.
O what fun it is to feast on Christmas Day.
An hour or two ago, I suffered writer’s block,
But soon Miss Pumpkin Pie was making table talk.
My novel felt lean and lank; misfortune seemed my lot;
Maybe the plotline stank, and I lost my train of thought.
(Chorus)
Candy canes in the keyboard, mincemeat made it right.
O what fun it is to yap on an eggnog splattered day.
Candy canes in the keyboard, dressing all the way.
O what fun it is to feast on Christmas Day.
To be sung to the tune of:
ReplyDeleteI Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas
I want a literary agent for Christmas
Only a literary agent will do
Don’t want perfume, no hand knitted socks
I want a literary agent who is clever as a fox
I want a literary agent for Christmas
I don’t think Santa will mind, do you?
She can ride in Santa’s sleigh,
creep down the chimney too
Just stick a bow on her head,
that’s all you’ve got to do
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
sneaking down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
And see an agent standing there
I want a literary agent for Christmas
Only a literary agent will do
No more rejects, no manuscript reviseses
I only like literary agentses
And literary agentses would like me too
Mom says an agent only wants my dough,
Publisher says an agent is the only way to go
There’s lot of room upon your list to sign me as a client
I’d be your favorite client and diligently reliant
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
sneaking down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
And see an agent standing there
I want a literary agent for Christmas
Only a literary agent will do
No more rejects, no manuscript reviseses
I only like literary agentses
And literary agentses would like me too!
From JAMS420
ReplyDeleteto Jingle Bells
Dashing through the blogs
Instead of writing my book,
How quick the brain soon clogs
with tips on the perfect hook!
It’s time to write a query
‘Cause I’ve read all the tips,
But oh how I’ll grow weary
Without first a Starbucks trip!
What will sell? What will sell?
I’m wringing my hands!
Fantasy, some Mystery
or a regency romance.
P-O-D, self-marketing,
or ebooks cheap and fast,
Sure is tough to try and decide
which newest trends will last.
So many Tweets to follow
There’s no time to write,
My plot outline’s still hollow
But my Kindle’s a delight!
My author website’s done,
on Facebook I’m soarin’,
Oh what fun if I have won
a query crit from Lauren.
What will sell? What will sell?
I’m wringing my hands!
Fantasy, some Mystery
or a regency romance.
Publishing, self-marketing,
or e-books cheap and fast,
Sure is tough to try and decide
which newest trends will last.
Novel Sells (to the tune of Jingle Bells)
ReplyDeleteThe holidays are here with parties every night.
But I can find no cheer. My plotline is a fright.
My hubby yells, “Let’s go! We’re thirty minutes late.”
And I yell back, “I’ll meet you there. I’m killing off Aunt Kate.”
Oh, type it fast, muse won’t last, bring me chocolate fudge.
I’m utilizing Butt In Chair, I really cannot budge.
Fingers fly. Days go by. Did everybody leave?
I’ll get the tree up when I can, it’s only Christmas Eve.
Untitled to the tune of Good King Wenceslaus
ReplyDeleteTune of Good King Wenceslaus
I just spent the last two years Writing my first novel.
Lost the wife, the car, the house. Now live in a hovel.
It could be a New York Time’s Number one or better.
But alas it’s fate now rests In my query leh-he-ter.
Sparky the Balrog (to the tune of Frosty the Snowman)
ReplyDeleteSparky the Balrog is a myth of Tolkein’s Tales
He was dark and vile but the dwarves they smile
When they think of how he wails
Sparky the Balrog was a melancholy soul
With a whips and wings and wicked things that truly took a toll
There must have been some magic in that old staircase he found
For when he followed it up and up the carnage did abound
Oh, Sparky the Balrog was as glad as he could be
For the dwarves they ran and they orcs they cried and it was all a stress you see
Sparky the Balrog knew that warriors would come and end his play
So he said, in a voice so cruel, just let them come my way!
Down in the dungeon with a broadsword in his hand
Running here and there all around the mountain singing kill me if you can
He waited in the dank and gloom and waited for his prey
And he only shuddered once we think when rumors said Gandolf comes today!
I Have a Little Query (to the tune of "I Have a Little Dreidel")
ReplyDeleteI have a little query
I made it with my brain
And now I've sent it out there
Well, I think I'm going insane
Oh, query, query, query
Then query once again
But if you don’t wannna go crazy
You better learn some Query Zen
I have a little query
I’ve been waiting quite a while
When will my little query
Rise to the top of that slush pile?
Oh, query, query, query
Then query once again
But if you don’t wannna go crazy
You better learn some Query Zen
I have a little query
Hope it has a real nice trip
But I’m all done obsessing
I’m gonna focus on my wip.
Oh, query, query, query
Then query once again
And if you don’t wannna go crazy
You better learn some Query Zen
I already posted my entries, but wanted to comment on how fun this contest is. There are some very clever and entertaining people hanging out in this neighborhood!
ReplyDeleteBELIEVE – Josh Groban (Polar Express)
ReplyDeleteBaby is napping,
Fingers madly typing.
Words are spilling,
Like tears from my baby.
I’ve been dreaming,
But not since second grade.
But word by word, I’ve,
Had my craft to learn.
When it seems the muse has slipped away,
I find it all again on my first page.
Believe in what your heart is saying,
Hear the words inside you beating.
There’s no easy way.
There’s so much you want to say.
Believe in what Strunk n White says inside,
And give your plot the words to fly.
You have all the Maas books to read,
If you just believe.
Laundry is calling,
Cheese cake is burning.
Presents need wrapping,
Like my rugs need vacuuming.
My kids have been dreaming,
Since they got off the bus.
For snacks and drinks since,
They claim they are starving.
When it seems that life gets in the way,
Remember that your family takes first place.
Believe in what your words are saying,
Trust in your plot layering.
There’s no easy way.
The house needs cleaned today.
Believe in what agent blogs say inside,
And don’t send gifts or choooocolate.
Believe in what your book says inside
And let your query fly.
And let your query fly.
Let your query fly.
If you let it fly.
Just fly.
Just fly.
Will you read what I wrote? - (By Catspit -Do you see what I see?)
ReplyDeleteSaid the writer to the mighty agent
Will you read what I wrote?
Eighty thousand words mighty agent
Will you read what I wrote?
My sci fi novel, set in a future land
It's the first of a tri-lo-gy
It's the first of a tri-lo-gy
Said the agent to the great pub-lisher
Will you read what I read?
It's a wonderful book great publisher
Will you read what I read?
You know, this book, it could fly off from the shelves
It could make us all household names
It could make us all household names
Said the publisher to the printer man
Can you print what I have?
I need a million copies printer man
Can you print what I have?
The book, the book, it must be on the shelves
By the end of this fiscal year
By the end of this fiscal year
Said the critic to people everywhere
Listen to what I say
Don't read this book, people anywhere
Listen to what I say
these words, these words, eighty thousand words
They will give you acid reflux
They will give you acid reflux
TO: DECK THE HALLS
ReplyDeleteDeck the halls with your query letter,
No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.
You keep writing, you’ll get better,
No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.
I’m an agent, I crush dreams,
No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.
Getting published -- even harder than it seems,
No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.
Ten thousand queries I’ve gotten this year,
No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.
You really stink, just as you fear,
No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.
So thanks for your interest, it’s not you, it’s me,
No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.
What that means is it’s you, it’s not me,
No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.
Back to your laptop you must streak,
No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.
Keep on working, the story’s really weak,
No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.
A year from now, another query you may lob,
No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.
Just make sure you keep your day job,
No, No, No, No, No, it’s not for me.
Rose here again, but this time not for myself. A friend has been trying to post since yesterday without any luck, so she sent me a copy and I will post for her instead of posting a second one of my own. Her name is Loretta G.
ReplyDeleteTo the tune of: "Winter Wonderland"
New York calls,
Oh, how thrilling,
More revisions,
Are you willing?
An encouraging sound,
A little let down,
Writing in a writers' wonderland.
Gone away are the rejections,
Here to stay are the acceptations,
The work was so long,
Our minds are nearly gone,
Writing in a writers' wonderland.
In the novel we'll create a character,
Then pretend his name is Jot 'Em Down.
He'll say: Are you published?
We'll say: Not yet,
But you can do the honors
When you come around.
Later on, we'll be inspired,
As we hear that we're hired,
We'll read our contract,
For our classic hardback,
Writing in a writers' wonderland.
In the novel we'll create a character,
And pretend that he's the best around
We'll have lots of hope for our bestseller,
Until all the agents turn him down.
When we write, ain't it telling,
Though our brains need some caring,
We'll craft and compose,
The way a published author knows,
Writing in a writers' wonderland.
2nd submission
ReplyDelete(To the Tune of Angels We Have Heard on High)
Agents, we have heard them sigh
Authors please, please, get it right
And the authors in reply
Editing their queries to delight
Querying in excess is a no-no
Querying in excess is a no-no
Publishers tell us what you see
What kind of story makes you sing?
I am begging on bended knee
For you to take a chance on me
Querying in excess is a no-no
Querying in excess is a no-no
I don’t care how much I’m paid
I’m not looking for a raise
Publishers, Agents lend your aid
Writing for me is not a phase
Here's my 2nd entry :)
ReplyDeleteTo the tune of All I Want for Christmas (by Mariah Carey)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5bo4VDEH-U (link to the song on YouTube)
I don’t want a lot for my writing
There is just one thing I need
I don’t care about the fame and fortune
That’s just a bunch of chicken feed
I just want an agent for my own
Something you probably already know
Make my wish come true
All I want for my writing is
You
I don’t want a lot for my writing
There is just one thing I need
Don’t care about the fame and fortune
That’s just a bunch of chicken feed
I don’t need to self pub my story
With no predator vanity press
Self pubbing won’t make me happy
When I have to pay them all that stinking cash
I just want an agent for my own
Something you probably already know
Make my wish come true
All I want for my writing is
You
I won’t ask for much to be a client
I don’t even want too much of your time
I’m just gonna keep on hoping
You catch me while I’m still in my prime
I won’t call you a hundred times a day
Or spam you with lots of Internet mail
I won’t even bug you when
My writing starts to go a little stale
‘Cause I just want an agent to call
And say she loves my YA scrawl
What more can I do
Agent, all I want for my writing is you
Ooh agent
All the ideas are flowing
Gushing out everywhere
And the plans for marketing
Fills up those empty gaps between my ears
And my heart is singing
I dream the phone is ringing
Will my writing bring me the agent I need
Won’t it please bring my agent to me…
Oh, I don’t want a lot for my writing
This is all I’m asking for
I just want to hear an agent
Speaking on the other side of the telephone cord
Oh I just want you for my own
Something you probably already know
Make my wish come true
Agent all I want for my writing is…
You
All I want for my writing is…you...agent (keep repeating and fade out :)
The Twelve Days of Christmas
ReplyDeleteOn the First Query I sent,
the agent said to me,
This is a form rejection.
On the Second Query I sent,
the agent said to me
You need zombies.
This is a form rejection.
On the Third Query I sent,
the agent said to me
What’s the hook?
You need zombies.
This is a form rejection.
On the Fourth Query I sent,
the agent said to me
This has been done.
What’s the hook?
You need zombies.
This is a form rejection.
On the Fifth Query I sent,
the agent said to me
Vampires are DEAD!
This has been done.
What’s the hook?
You need zombies.
This is a form rejection.
On the Sixth Query I sent,
the agent said to me
Don’t quit your day job.
Vampires are DEAD!
This has been done.
What’s the hook?
You need zombies.
This is a form rejection.
On the Seventh Query I sent,
the agent said to me
I wanted to love it...
Don’t quit your day job.
Vampires are DEAD!
This has been done.
What’s the hook?
You need zombies.
This is a form rejection.
On the Eight Query I sent,
the agent said to me
It’s not right for me.
I wanted to love it...
Don’t quit your day job.
Vampires are DEAD!
This has been done.
What’s the hook?
You need zombies.
This is a form rejection.
On the Ninth Query I sent,
the agent said to me
Another Twilight?!?
It’s not right for me.
I wanted to love it...
Don’t quit your day job.
Vampires are DEAD!
This has been done.
What’s the hook?
You need zombies.
This is a form rejection.
On the Tenth Query I sent,
the agent said to me
Get thee to the shark.
Another Twilight?!?
It’s not right for me.
I wanted to love it...
Don’t quit your day job.
Vampires are DEAD!
This has been done.
What’s the hook?
You need zombies.
This is a form rejection.
On the Eleventh Query I sent,
the agent said to me
Have any other novels?
Get thee to the shark.
Another Twilight?!?
It’s not right for me.
I wanted to love it...
Don’t quit your day job.
Vampires are DEAD!
This has been done.
What’s the hook?
You need zombies.
This is a form rejection.
On the Twelve Query I sent,
my agent said to me
This is something new!
You had me at vampire.
Your voice resonates.
Your prose really flows.
What a clever twist.
Absolutely love it.
What else do you have?
U R B A N F A N T A S Y
You know your market.
Send author bio.
Love the premise.
Please send a full right now!
(and can I have an exclusive?)
Catherine Misener