TITLE: Golden
GENRE: Magical Realism YA
Ian, an evolved being known as a Dionadir, faces having to out himself as such, but his in-love-with-another-man friend, Joss feels the need to rescue him from his tricky situation. It turns out differently than she expects.
“Don’t look now, but I think we’re going to have to dine and flash,” he said.
“You can’t be serious. Here, in the middle of a club full of people? You’d never be able to show yourself here again.”
“Yeah, and what do you think will happen if ol’ Sy takes a swing at me and comes back wondering why his fist breaks but my face doesn’t?”
“You could just dodge until he comes to his senses . . .”
Ian shook his head, annoyed. “Don’t you understand? The lunk’s got it in his head I man-handled his lady. The only sense he’s concerned with is the one that involves spilling my guts onto the ground.”
By now, Sy was closing in. In another few seconds he would be reaching for the first part of Ian he could get his hands around.
I toggled my brain-pan for a way out of the messl; my cerebral skillet obliged. Without considering the consequences, I swiveled in the booth and plopped myself into Ian’s lap, linking my arms behind his neck, then I laid the mother of all stage kisses on him. After all, Sy couldn’t try to beat Ian up if I was in the way, right?
There are fires that begin as frosts, the cold growing so sharp it burns. Kissing Ian was like a fall of ice crystals scoring my tongue, chilliness and mint.
Ian didn’t know how to kiss softly.
I'm wishing I knew more, but taking the scene out of context I first thought I was a little distant but by the end I was fully engaged. I'm not a big fan of words like 'lunk' but I assume that's the normal way of speaking for the character.
ReplyDeleteAs for characters, I like Joss, she has an attitude that comes through pretty loud and clear.
I also appreciated the fact that the 'tension' in the scene ended with a kiss, not a fight...well done!
This read like you were trying to write with a lot of verve, but I found it distracting. "The lunk’s got it in his head I man-handled his lady" felt overdone, as did "I toggled my brain-pan for a way out of the messl; my cerebral skillet obliged"... "like a fall of ice crystals scoring my tongue, chilliness and mint"
ReplyDeleteThey're calling attention to themselves, and taking away from the story. It's like a spice: You want it to make the food taste good, and not like the spice itself.
I agree with John about the brain pan line. It pulled me out of the story because I had to stop and think about it. Apart from that I liked it.
ReplyDeleteI was out of place reading it, which can happen with short sections. It sounds like a fun set up though.
ReplyDeleteI was tripped up with 'dine and flash' wondering about your world and then I had some trouble understanding who the characters speaking were. Had it pegged by the end.
Chilliness and mint. This sounds like a fun world you've created!
There were a few things in the dialogue that didn't seem to fit- for example 'ol Sy? That doesn't sound like a teen to me and this is YA so I assumed the characters were teens. And like some one else said "man handled his lady" also sounds like the way my dad would talk. Has Ian lived a long time?
ReplyDeleteAnd the brain pan stuffed really pulled us out of the sense of immediacy and danger. And honestly, I just thought it was strange. I was wondering if these people's brains had been altered.
But I liked Joss's reflection on the kiss- that's the spot for reflection. The description was great- original and well written.
I also loved the reflection on the kiss. That bit really resonated.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what has already been said about some of the word choices, but with such a small section, I can't judge if they really fit the character.
I also liked "the mother of all stage kisses" description.
The story seems intriguing, and I would love to read more.
I think I agree with just about everyone else. I was hooked at the end with the kiss. But Ian's vocabulary is very old man-ish. I'm not sure if Ian is supposed to "old" like someone else asked and perhaps he would have an antiquated way of speaking. As it is, he sounds like he's fifty.
ReplyDeleteAnd is Sy another teenager? I felt like Joss definitely had a spunky teen voice. And I liked her. I also agree with the phrase about her brain and the skillet - that one really pulled me out of hte story. And "Kissing Ian was like a fall of ice criystals scoring my tongue" - I got the image you were trying to capture but I felt hte choice of words was odd.
I really like the kiss at the end. Very lyrical and beautiful language. This is the only part that feels like a YA voice. The rest of feels forced, with phrases like "brain pan" and cerebral skillet. And Ian does sound old.
ReplyDeleteI like the brain pan/skillet thing, only I'd save it for something else. It made me think they were aliens or something. Otherwise I liked it. I like how she chooses to resolve the situation.
ReplyDeleteLiked the resolution, liked the kiss, would similarly reserve the pan and skillet. Which is a name for a pub, come to think of it... :)
ReplyDeleteAlways tough to drop into the middle of a scene when you don't know the characters, but I had a good sense of what was going on by the time I finished. Nice twist at the end with the kiss to defuse the situation. Changes the tension from one type to another rather than completely resolving it. A couple of sentences felt like they tried too hard - toggling the brain pan (not sure toggle is the right verb; that's usually on/off, I think). Last sentence also might be trying too hard, although I like the imagery.
ReplyDeleteEven being dropped into the middle of it, I got an clear sense of the humor - of both Joss and Ian. I had no problem with the "lunk-manhandle" line, maybe because I'm a New Englander (heh)
ReplyDeleteThe "toggle-skillet" line isn't trying too hard, but it did pull me out. Can she not consider the consequences and also have determined that Sy couldn't beat up Ian if she was in the way?
Love the fire-frost line.
The kiss was gorgeous -- and I particularly liked how getting Joss "fixed" a jokey, not-so-serious kind of danger (unless one is worried about Sy's hand, which I was not) with something that seems like it might be REALLY dangerous.
ReplyDeleteYou've probably heard more than enough about that brain pan by now, but I agree that it felt jarring!
Total agreement with all the others. I do like Joss, though, she certainly seems like the kind of heroine that I would follow anywhere. Ian does sound a little too old for his own good, but perhaps we are all jumping the gun here assuming he is a teen. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say GOOD JOB!
ReplyDeleteI liked this. Ian and Joss are both instantly likable, and I'm assuming Ian talks like an old man because he's this Dionadir fellow.
ReplyDeleteThe "I toggled my brain-pan for a way out of the mess; my cerebral skillet obliged" sentence didn't make the least bit of sense of to me. Perhaps it makes sense in the context of the story, but I didn't get it. At all.
Last thought: This has a very lighthearted feel. That may be what you're going for, and if that's the case, then great. If, however, you wanted it to seem more dangerous, you may want to cut some of the banter.