TITLE: The Wild Ghoul Affair, Book I of V
GENRE: Younger YA
Eve has followed her spirit guide to the top of St Peter's Basilica in Rome.
Eve had crept out onto the open walkway that wrapped around the top of St Peter’s dome, the cold wind whipping at her clothes. The claustrophobic corkscrew climb had been bad enough, but Rome’s skyline separated by a thin hand railing had her frozen. She hated heights. A raven flew by, passing uncomfortably close to Eve’s shoulder, and then, inches from her death grip on the balustrade, it perched—huge and ugly, something round in its beak.
Mortified by the drop of hundreds of feet, Eve tightened her hold and swiped her free hand at the bird. “Shoo. Go away!” It opened its mouth, dropping its treasure, but wasn’t intimidated. “I said—go away!” She swept her free hand again at raven and it flew up into the air. It flapped its wings, talons extended, threatening, diving towards her. She released the railing and stumbled back against the dome, dodging the raven’s attack. She landed hard on all fours, the raven’s treasure spinning on the narrow walkway. It slowed and then lay, the bloody eyeball staring up at her.
Eve scrambled away, clawing at the dome’s wall. Her hands smeared on something wet and warm that covered her palms—a trickle of fresh blood flowed down the dome curve. The wind whipped as Eve traced the crimson trail upward, her eyes locking on the man’s body stretched across the top of the dome, speared by St Peter’s cross.
Wow. A trail of blood, a body speared on a cross - I have to say, I was pretty surprised to see this categorized as younger YA. It's quite intense. That said, you've painted an effective scene here. When a raven showed up, I knew right away that something creepy would be happening.
ReplyDeleteJust a few awkward phrasings:
"Rome's skyline separated by a thin hand railing" - separated from what?
I don't think "mortified" is the right word to convey her fear.
It took me a couple of reads to realize the "raven's treasure" referred to the eyeball.
I agree about "mortified" being the wrong word, both for YA and for the meaning. You probably don't need that phrase at all since you've already conveyed the fear of heights quite well.
ReplyDeleteI liked this, but I also agree that 'mortified' threw me. And it didn't seem like younger YA to me. Not with all the blood and the dead body. But then I mostly read YA for 14 +, which this would be appropriate for.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid of heights, and you can guarantee I wouldn't be letting go to swipe at some bird, no matter how much I want to shoo it away. Especially if the drop was hundreds of feet. I'd be clinging on for dear life. But maybe that's just me. :D Of course, I wouldn't be up there in the first place.
I enjoyed this piece a lot. Having been to Rome the imagery was great.
ReplyDeleteI don't thinkit's too much for the YA market. Movies are far worse than this.
The transition of the eyeball could be smoother. For instance - She landed on all fours, the raven's treasure spinning on the narrow walkway. It wasn't until it slowed and lay still, rocking gently, that she recognised it was an eyeball starring up at her.
Also her hands smeared on something. Would read beetter if - Eve scambled away, clawing at the dome's wall, leaving hand prints. Her heart stilled. A trickle of fresh blood was fowing down the dome curve....
I wanted to read more!
For me there is a bit of overwriting here, but it's an easy fix. Rich imagery combined with terse sentences will increase the tension in a danger scene. For example, why not say, "Mortified by the hundred-foot drop" instead of "the drop of hundreds of feet" or "Eve, alone on the open walkway that wrapped the top of St Peter's Dome, shivered as the cold wind whipped her clothes" instead of the longer, more complicated version? You have great style but I'd refrain from too many words. Rearranging what you already have to be more economical will make it really pop.
ReplyDeleteLoved it! just the tightening of words/sentences already mentioned above. I felt like I was reading Angels and Demons --for teens-- LOL!!
ReplyDeleteThe imagery is excellent. I had no trouble picturing the action.
ReplyDeleteIf you can, I would leave out the "had" in the first sentence because it weakens it immediately. Also, I would replace "claustrophobic" with, perhaps, "tight" because it's too many syllables of description before the important word (climb). The alliteration would remain with the other two words.
I would also echo what the others said.
Oh, and perhaps "froze her" instead of "had her frozen." Can you tell I'm currently trying to get the passives out of my own writing?
The excerpt is very engaging. I know nothing about the character, but already I like her bravery and am rooting for her.
The danger is very palpable here. The second paragraph did trip me up a bit; I had to read it a few times to get that the raven's treasure was the bloody eyeball, and that the eyeball wasn't the raven's.
ReplyDeleteOn the whole, I liked this. But I agree with the others who pointed out that this seems awfully bloody for the genre.
I found the first paragraph a little slow going--a lot of "hads" and the tension wasn't very apparent. Sort of like, "Oh, she's up on the top of St. Peter's dome, tally-ho" and then all of a sudden nothing but fear, which is good, but seemed really strange.
ReplyDeleteI also thought her language at the raven could be stronger.
Last paragraph was awesome.