Thursday, March 12, 2009

CONTEST: A Bio For Authoress

Let's have a little fun while we wait for Monday's Secret Agent contest.

I'm having a blast being anonymous, now that I've got my double identity down pat. (No, really. I can flip from Authoress Me to Real Me and back again with barely a thought. This is probably not a good thing.) I've worked hard to establish an identity here that is reflective of my personality and heart (it is) without revealing details about my personal life (aside from Mr. A, who seems to be enjoying the notoriety).

So here's what I'm inviting you to do:

Write my bio. Make it sound like it's straight from the jacketflap of my first bestseller. Create a persona that reflects a combination of what you know about me and your imaginings about what the "rest" of me is like. What's my educational background? Where do I live? What's interesting enough about my personal life to add to a bio?

I will choose a winner and send you a free copy of my e-book, Agent:Demystified. If you already own a copy, enter the contest anyway! If you win, you can send me the email address of one of your best writing buddies, and give your winning copy to him or her. Spread the love, yes?

Criteria for winning: An equal combination of excellent writing and creativity. If it makes me laugh, all the better.

And no, I will NOT be choosing a winner according to how closely the bio reflects reality. So don't even ask me.

I like hiding behind my hat.

All entries for this contest must appear in the comment box below. Please use a screen name by which you can be easily identified.

I will accept entries until 5:00 pm EDT on Sunday, March 15. After that time, I will close comments on this post and choose the winning bio. I'll post the winner on Tuesday.

And please -- no email entries! Comment box only. My inbox is full enough right now.

Looking forward to reading about...ur, myself!


  1. Authoress is a figment of her own imagination. A proud victim of OCD, she decided to reinvent herself, and to do so, had to put everything in writing first.

    To her own astonishment, most of her musings have become bestsellers, including "AGENT: DEMISTIFIED" and "CASHEWS AND KEYBOARDS".

    She is happily married to someone who loves to study the silhouette of her back and her red plumed hat against the backlight of her PC.

    Her hobbies include talking about chocolate and numbering incoming e-mails and sending receipts, and basically anything that leaves her glued to the PC. She's only 23 weeks removed from the world record for non-stop computering.

  2. Authoress is a chocolate covered cashew carrying Elf standing on the shoulders of six other Elves and wearing a long overcoat and very large, red feathered hat to conceal her true identity.

    With only three little fingers per hand, and those filled with chocolat covered cashews, Authoress dictates her work to her mysterious Mr. A (species identity not available at this time). Is he an Elf? A human who loves little Elves with three fingers per hand (and no opposable thumbs, btw). A figment of her own over-active imagination? No one but Authoress knows the answers to these questions, and she's not telling.

    In her spare time (she only dictates and she can do that via her IPhone), she stalks the various chocolat stores in her city and beyond searching for the best of the best of chocolat covered cashews. The delectable delights provide both energy and inspiration for the dear Authoress.

    Currently, Authoress is hosting 1,000 word critiques on her blog, while at the same time plotting the take-over of the following industries: publishing, chocolat making, and cashew cultivation.

  3. Can the winner include this contest in the publishing credentials paragraph of a query letter? :)

  4. After sacrificing a promising career as a burlesque dancer to focus her energies on her debut novel, Authoress spends her free time reading the first 250 words of every book ever written and following a strict upper-body-strengthening regimen in hopes of no longer needing to rely on others to open her wine bottles.

    She lives with her husband, a prize-winning pinball enthusiast, in a pineapple under Number 4, Baker Street, nestled in the Cashew Orchards of the Shire.

    Her memoir Gimmee a Shimmy, due to be published this fall, combines the details of her scandalous past (including the story behind the infamous red hat dance) with simple step-by-step burlesque basics and is anticipated to be "bigger than chocolate."

  5. They sure got you pegged, Authoress. So much for the bio's not being a true reflection *wink*

    Can we vote? Is choice "D) All of the above"?

  6. Authoress grew up in a one-stoplight town, dreaming of life in the big city. Unfortunately, life in the big city turned out to be far less than her magnificent imaginings.

    Thus began her ventures into the writer's realm, where she can now disappear for hours on end, enjoying magical powers, mystical lands, far-away places, long-forgotten times, and the hypothetical big-city she dreamed of. And if her ventures happen to be endlessly interrupted by babies with messy diapers and toddlers with beans up their noses...well, such is life.

  7. Born on the slopes of Mount Doom, located in Hell- Michigan that is, Authoress has pursued her writing career against all odds. She penned her first words, “Please pass the chocolate covered cashews,” on a dinner napkin at age three. Latter she peddled Shakespeare, her blind donkey, to an agnostic monk for her trade mark red hat and feather quill. Forced to walk everywhere she developed blisters on her feet and a smoking hot body.

  8. Writer, Mentor, Pioneer, Internet Brand, a lady of extremes, a mystery - Authoress is all this and more. Like an 8-armed robot fuelled by an elixir of double-shot cuppucinos and guarana, she is capable superhuman feats of multitasking.

    And don't be fooled by her pleasantries and kindly demeanour. She has another side. A side responsible for her signature-style, responsible for birthing a new genre: Middle-grade-YA-psuedo-adreno-glando fiction.

    For kicks and to inspire the muse, she breaks out the Giorgio Moroder CD, turns the volume up to 11 and to the heart-pumping beat of "She's a maniac" she dances around a bound and trussed MR A, a giant golden tomato jammed between his teeth, yelling "You want some of this bad boy? Yeah, you know you do." Tickling him with the plume from her famous red hat, whispering in his ear, "Say it. Go on, say it", until the poor fellow cannot help but bite down and spill the juices, giving him the space to utter his deliverance, "Ok, there are such things as golden tomatoes".

    Authoress - want new, want fresh, you got her.

  9. An blogging pioneer in her own right, Authoress graduated first in her class from the Snark University and went on to create the Premier Internet Slush Pile (PISP). Although her hobbies include scribbling, nibbling and hiding, her husband claims that she is not at all a rodent. While it is true that rodents cannot type very well, nothing can be proven until Authoress takes off the big red hat, which she steadfastly refuses to do. Nevertheless, we are proud to present her debut novel, When Husbands Bite Back, and look forward to the sequel, Aw, Nuts.

  10. Raised by a herd of caribou in the wilds of Alaska's Wrangle-St. Elias State Park, Authoress survived a childhood marred by the trauma of witnessing her foster aunt being eaten by rabid salmon. Discovering her passion for literature in the form of seal-drawn scrimshaw, she moved to the big city--Gnome--Population 14-ish. After many disappointments of not finding any of the 3" high little buggers the town was named for, she turned to writing about them instead.

    After discovering her masterpiece idea of seven gnome-like men taking care of a lost princess had been stolen, she co-authored the first Human-Marmoset translation dictionary, earning her national acclaim from rodents and bipedal apes alike.

    Other important contributions from the illustrious Authoress include Me Writer, You Moose,, The Night the Grunion Ran Still, and To Juno with Love--Chronicles of a Directionally Deficient Eskimo.

    For more information on this paragon to the literary world, please visit

  11. Twenty-four year old Authoress McSnarkle graduated from the University of Topeka with a pre-post graduate degree in slushpile diving and tragic novel writing.

    After her internship with a publishing company in Yemen, Authoress was able to publish her first non-fictional book about the many uses of cat hair entitled, “Cat Hair Weaving for Geniuses.” After a brief stint with the law over skinny dipping in the fountains of New York, wearing only a large red hat, Authoress released her new bestselling novel, “Full Moon in the City.”

    Authoress spends her spare time blogging and helping aspiring writers of fictional fiction, and is currently seeking a career in writing rap music to Shakespearean verse.

  12. Slipping into a red feathered hat, Authoress hides within the matrix of computers, leaving all to wonder who she really is. Born somewhere at sometime, the undercover woman found a passion for writing and blogging. Her feather quill and keyboard morphed together, and with her unique, imaginative ability, she brought to life a site for inspiring and published writers to come together and read an endless supply of partials.

    Perched upon her desk chair and artfully placing chocolate covered cashews in her mouth, Authoress watches as all transpires: the stories, the critiques, the helpful tips. She stops at nothing to help others find their style and bring them into the elusive world of writing

  13. A possessor of vast mental acuity and little spare time, Authoress has learned the fine art of multi-tasking, having finished her first how-to "Learn to Bake and Blog at the Same Time!" while starting up and maintaining her run-away hit blog "Snark-A-Lot" that has unexpectedly taken on a life of its own, kind of like Amish Friendship Bread.

    Authoress currently lives in London with Mr. A, their dog Manu, their cat Script and two perpetually present dust bunnies whom Authoress has fondly named "Here" and "Gone."

    Authoress is hard at work on her next "Learn To" which continues her multi-tasking theme and is tentatively titled: "Learn to Garden and Gab at the Same Time." Unfortunately, given London's uncooperative weather, Manu's propensity for digging and her near constant ability to lose her cell phone, Authoress is wondering if this is such a good direction to take.

  14. Authoress began her fascination with hats early on in life. Not only do they lend an aura of mystery, they also complete the outfit.

    Her earliest memories are those of peering out from underneath a very stylish brim while concocting tales of such beauty and eloquence they must bide their time, for the world is not yet ready to bask in her greatness.

    Her large heart is only exceeded by her hat collection. Her future plans include taking over the world, one novel at a time.

  15. After ditching the comfy life-- sweatpants, sports bra, headband-- for a life of glitz and glamour-- namely a low-back black dress and eye-catching red hat-- the Authoress has made it big. [Here, 'glamour' means 'reworking the art of the starving artist', but the sports bra /did/ get in the way of the dress].

    Her early life contained a litany of short stories involving ducks, llamas, killer white rabbits and men in tights. As she grew more mature, however, the Authoress' fancy turned towards the fashionistic and the surreal. After ditching the title Babyess [hey, it got old after eighteen!] and adopting the more apropriate 'Authoress', she found that her life's calling was to be mocked and ridiculed by a woman with a whip.

    [The editor would like to add that the woman in question is Miss Snark, and the ridicule was not lethal.]
    [The doctors involved would like to add that the /criticism/ has not been lethal as of now. No statement for the future.]

    With that, Authoress es fin.

  16. Because she could, A. U. Thoress abandoned a promising career manufacturing fancy, scented, and intricately constructed candles to become one of the most promising Young Adult fiction writers of the twenty-first century. Married while remaining canine-free, Ms. Thoress enjoys wine tasting and relaxing at European spas that feature chocolate and cashew bath therapy when not slaving away at her keyboard. Ms. Thoress hopes one day to write a pop-up picture book that caters to felines of all breeds.

  17. New York Times bestselling author and Newbury Prize winner, Authoress Snark divides her time between her California cashew farm and New York City, where she teaches higher mathematics at a retraining center for laid-off investment bankers. She and her husband are renovating a 19th-century pinball factory in Philadelphia as a home for misunderstood literary agents and editors crushed by corporate restructuring.

  18. Authoress Anon is no stranger to working hard. Not only does she have to make that morning cup of coffee, post a billion times to her blog, and contact all those Secret Agents, she writes fantastic young adult fiction as well. When she’s not sharpening her quill or dry cleaning her posh red hat, she enjoys curling up with Mr. A and a healthy snack of black and white cookies she has imported from NYC to her home in Atlanta, Georgia. To find out more, visit,

  19. Born and raised on a tiny island off the coast of Spain, Authoress now resides in Northern Vermont.

    Accompanied by her husband, Mr. A, and their two cats, Snarky and Agentess, she spends a good portion of her day making fresh maple syrup on her family maple tree farm. In the wee hours of the night, she can be found, pencil in hand, working on her next novel by candlelight.

    Being the Luddite that she is, it is requested that all correspondence be sent via the postal service to the following address:

    1 Writing Way
    Mapletown, VT 55555

  20. The product of a greek goat herder and a herbal medicine woman, Miss Authoress draws on a wealth of traditional knowledge and intuition in her current role. Her early years were marred by failure to acquire embroidery skills required to attract a husband so she ran off with a passing gypsy who brought her to the U.S. Forced to fend for herself, she took up writing at a time when everyone else was polishing any originality into extinction and has built a career on teaching writers to do something she one day aspires to do herself. Her journey is a must read!

  21. Authoress began life in a small cottage in the woods where she lived with her parents and her 27 cats. They lived on cashews and chocolate when wild berries weren’t in season. With no electricity and therefore no cable, Authoress was forced to read for entertainment. This led to her lifelong interest in anything written. She met Mr. A on her family’s annual trip to the town market, where he was peddling his feather hats. Smitten, he gave her a big red one, which was enough of a dowry for her poor parents. They moved to the big city where she became addicted to the bright lights and her computer. Her memoir, The Simple Life (not to be confused with any television shows by the same name), became a best seller and soon Authoress became a celebrity, appearing on Regis and Dancing with the Stars. The happy couple lives in upstate New York on an exotic bird farm with their 42 barn cats.

  22. The amazing authoress, writer of numerous best selling novels for girls and women, began life in the remote village of Hideyhollow, Arkansas, but her penchant for speaking in rhyme caught the attention of a vacationer, Mrs. Richbitch of NY, who convinced Authoress' parents their seventh daughter should be exposed to culture. After only three years at Ivory Towers, the exclusive school for child prodigies, Authoress gained fame for her hilarious expose of the very school she attended.

    After graduation at fourteen-and-a-half, then three more years modeling bikinis for Bergdorf Goodman, Authoress turned her back on the glamorous life and moved to an ergonomic glass house perched on the side of a mountain in the Andes. There, she and her handsome husband, Mr. Ayeayeaye, who's also a writer, work and play with their four dogs, three cats and a cockatoo.

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