TITLE: Death by Cannoli
GENRE: Mystery
Jennifer strode across the cobblestone Piazza Navona. She glanced at her watch. Swore beneath her breath.
Too late to cancel. Too early to make excuses. Praying she wouldn’t catch her heel in an ancient Roman groove she broke into a jog, dodging tourists while precious seconds slipped by.
If she were lucky, he would wait. If she wasn’t…well, in this laid-back country with its domani attitude she might get away with missing him. The papers didn’t have to be on his desk by this afternoon but it would look better if they were.
She reached the far side of the piazza. Down a narrow alley, around a corner and…there. Il Dolci.
Soon the shop would be part of Fairlane Enterprises. Then no one would ever again dare insinuate she hadn’t worked for what was hers. No one would cast sly gazes her way at parties, twitter behind raised hands that the only reason she was wealthy was that she’d been born into an empire.
No, this acquisition had been all her work. Hers and hers alone. She hadn’t coasted on her family’s fortune or hung onto any coattails.
The satisfaction she would experience for being the one to pull off this coup was going to be worth every hour she’d spent pretending to be an ill-treated assistant instead of who she really was, Jennifer Fairlane Turner—one of the wealthiest women in the world.
I love your title! The idea is certainly interesting of Jennifer trying to prove herself and I think it is a good start. The line 'too late to cancel too early to make excuses' confuses me (is it just me?) and I had to re-read the opening a couple times to figure out what was happening. Still, I like the writing and would turn the page to see what happens next.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your opening, and the title is fantastic. Made me chuckle.
ReplyDeleteI loved the pacing and flow, and felt like I was getting a good understanding of Jennifer.
I liked the lines "Too late to cancel. Too early to make excuses."
I'd definitely read on. Great job and good luck!
Nice job. Yes, hooked.
ReplyDeleteYes, hooked. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteLove the title!
ReplyDeleteYou've done a nice job of incorporating the setting without a lot of fuss or wasted words.
I like the sense of urgency we feel and think you've done a good job of making your MC real in a short time. Good job.
Love the title and the writing is really good. The only thing that threw me of was her inner fantasy about how no one would say she stuff about her anymore. My first thought was if, whatever she's done that important, and she's smart enough to pull it off, she'd know people always talk- that there is always someone waiting in the wings to take credit for your work. Even if your the richest woman in the world... sometimes because of that reason. Then we find out she's disguised herself too.
ReplyDeleteBut I like the premise and would read on.
This interested me until the last paragraph. And I think my reaction at that point is based purely on my own character preferences. To to give you another perspective:
ReplyDeleteWhen I got to the last paragraph I thought, "Err...am I supposed to like her?" Because I want to read about a self-assured female protagonist; she's a woman who can be wealthy and successful! She doesn't have to pretend to be an "ill-treated" assistant so that she can convince someone her success is deserved! Unfortunately, this set-up just made me think: "Lady, get a grip." If you're one of the wealthiest women in the world, save starving children, rescue endangered species...but please, please, don't worry about a shop in Italy.
Nice voice. The last paragraph was a grabber and really unexpected.
ReplyDeleteMy only thought was maybe not to use so many fragments right off the bat. They lose their impact when overused.
Good luck!
I liked this and was definitley hooked! And love the title!
ReplyDeleteThere’s a good set up—a woman being late—but something just kept me from getting hooked. Maybe heighten what’s a stake if she’s late a bit more—what is it she stands to loose, and what would it mean for her goals/life.
ReplyDeleteNice clear writing, but I might need more to get me really hooked - but I'd keep reading to see if it popped up in the next few paras.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this! I'm a sucker for anything set in Italy, so I'd definitely read on. The writing is clear and concise and the title is fab. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI think your first sentence of para 3 should be "If she was lucky..." instead of "If she were..." just a grammatical observation.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I'm not sure if I would read on. It may just be a personal thing here, but I don't really see what she has to lose or even, really, how valuable what she has to gain is.
Overall, the writing is clear, the setting is descriptive without being too much "telling," but it would still land in my maybe pile.
Good luck!
I was hooked--smooth writing, nice details. I'd simply eliminate the second-to-last paragraph entirely. It's overwritten and unnecessary. There needs to be a good story too, but it's a strong beginning.
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I was enjoying this overall until the last paragraph. That made me go back to the shop being part of Fairlane Enterprises. Okay, did she use startup funds from her family's company? That would be a problem. And I had some trouble believing that one of the wealthiest women in the world would do this. Start your own business, perhaps, to see if you can make money. I really liked the writing but I'm not sure the plot will convince me. I'd read a chapter. Small nit - last paragraph - I'd try "ill-treated assistant instead of Jennifer Fairlane Turner - one of the wealthiest women in the world."
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