Do Your Dialogue A Favor

I have to say this -- and it's said in the spirit of wanting you to learn to write better.

Okay, here goes.

I have read SO MUCH REALLY-BAD DIALOGUE over the past few years, both as an editor and as a reader-of-contest-slush, that I sometimes want to throw a veritable tantrum.

One of the first things a writer needs to learn is to STOP BEING IN LOVE WITH HIS WORDS.  And, in my opinion, one of the places this in-love-with-my-words shows up most painfully is in character dialogue.

So here's what I want you to do (and what I tell my clients):

READ YOUR DIALOGUE OUT LOUD.

I've said this before (probably more than once), but it bears repeating, because I really see so much clunky, unbelievable dialogue.  Reading our dialogue out loud helps our EARS to discern whether or not something sounds natural.  Because, in real life, dialogue is aural, not visual.

Like, if you met someone on the subway and they talked like Yoda, you'd sort of notice right away, yes?

Yet you might be tempted, in the midst of your fantasy novel, to make Gregor the One-Handed say, "Perturbed I am that fallen has the city."

Seriously.  It happens.

Here are some examples (and things to avoid):

1.  TOO FORMAL

Because you're thinking about words too much, or you're trying too hard to make your character sound intelligent, you over-think and over-craft his dialogue, making him sound like he's reading from a textbook or giving a speech.   Often, you are FORGETTING TO USE CONTRACTIONS, which exacerbates the problem.

"I do not know what you mean," Goober said.  "I have been trying, to no avail, to reach you by phone or by email for approximately four days.  There is nothing more frustrating, in my opinion, than being accused of not communicating properly, when actually I have been doing my best all along."

Poor Goober.  He has a stick up his behind.

This is better:

"I don't know what you mean," Goober said.  "I've been trying to reach you for four days."

(No, really.  That's all you need here.)

2.  TOO MANY WORDS

People do not talk in gigantic chunks of text (unless they are stuck in a Dickens novel).  If your character's dialogue is more than a couple lines long (three at the most, unless the situation truly warrants a more verbose speech), he is SAYING TOO MUCH AT ONCE.  If he really does have a lot to say, break it up by interspersing reactions from other characters and beats (character actions).

"I got there right as they closed," Twiggy said.  "The woman had just flipped the sign over, and she saw me standing there.  I raised my eyebrows at her, but she pretended she didn't see me.  I mean, I get that.  It was time for her to go home.  But she made me feel less than human.  So I started banging on the window with both fists--just banging and banging, while she stood there staring at me like I was some sort of alien.  I never meant to break anything.  I never meant for the police to be involved.  It just got a little out of hand."

Oh, Twiggy.  No one wants to listen to you prattle on.

This is better:

"I got there right as they closed," Twiggy said.  "The woman had just flipped the sign over, and she saw me standing there.  I swear she saw me."

"Did you ask her to let you in?"  Maximus asked.

"I raised my eyebrows at her, but she pretended she didn't see me."  Twiggy crossed her arms and started pacing.  "I mean, I get that.  It was time for her to go home.  But she made me feel less than human."

"Oh, Twig."

"I started banging on the window with both fists, while she stood there staring at me like I was some sort of alien."  She sighed.  "I never meant to break anything.  I never meant for the police to be involved.  It just got a little...out of hand."

3.  TOO RAMBLY

Dialogue needs to have a clear purpose--it's either a) developing character relationships, or b) revealing information, or c) moving the plot forward.

And even if it's not doing a or b, then it DEFINITELY and ALWAYS needs to do c.  Otherwise, it's just blather.

Tip sat on the bench.  "What'd your mom pack for lunch?"

"Tuna fish and a bag of chips," Flip said.

"Tuna fish?  That's gross."

"Well, I like it."  Flip opened his lunch bag and pulled out a sandwich.

"That smells."

Flip frowned. "I didn't even open it yet."

"Well, I can smell it anyway."

"I've got ham and jelly," Tip said.

"And you think tuna's bad?"

"I've been eating ham and jelly since I was two," Tip said.  "My gramma used to always cook ham with pineapple on top, and then we'd have it for leftovers on bread.  Well, one day, there was ham leftover, but no pineapples.  So my mom smeared jelly on my sandwich.  Been eating it ever since."

Flip pulled open his bag of chips.  "Whatever.  Are you trying out for that play tomorrow?"

"Haven't decided."

"Mary Fulsen is trying out," Flip said.

"What do I care about Mary Fulsen?"

"She's been in two plays before, her brother used to be plays all the time before he moved up to high school."

"Well, I'm not going to try out just because she is," Tip said.

Flip opened his milk carton.  "They were out of chocolate milk again."

"I don't like chocolate milk."

"Strawberry milk is pretty good, though."

Tip made a gagging noise.  "That's even worse.  Milk isn't supposed to be brown or pink."

"Whatever."

"How's your tuna fish?"

"It's pretty good.  How's your ham and jelly?"

"It's pretty good, too."

(Hopefully you stopped reading before you got here.  Tip and Flip's entire scene needs to be deleted and rewritten.)

4.  TOO WEIRD

This is the kind of thing that tends to happen in science fiction or fantasy novels.  In an attempt to create an "otherwordly" effect, writers will sometimes overdo the weird, creating character dialogue that sounds like it came from the scrap pile on the editing floor of a B-movie.

Kuzani stared at the mage, her heart in knots.

"Precious and irreplaceable daughter of the Most High Governor, I salute you with a thousand bright stars."  The mage bowed, folding in half like a boneless snake.  "I am Cheezits'kan, First Mage of the Aboriginal Muckus."

"I'm honored."  She wasn't, really, but it seemed like the right thing to say.

Cheezits'kan stepped forward, his iridescent robes playing with the light.  "As the sun rises and sets over the hills of hither and yon, with each rising and setting easily predicted and never failing, so my confidence in you is longsuffering and ever-present."  He placed his finger on his nose.  "Hark!  And heed!  For many and sundry are the words I have to speak to you e're this night passes, and already my throat is nigh parched for lack of arcane liquid.  Come, let us partake of the fruit of the sacred vines, fermented and bottled in the ages before time.  Then, and only then, we will squeeze words from our lips."

If Kuzani had only stabbed him at "precious", we wouldn't have had to read that.

So I'm going to say this one more time:

READ YOUR DIALOGUE OUT LOUD.

Trust me when I tell you that your ear WILL let you know when something sounds off.  If your character says, "I will not be there," and you read it out loud, your ear will immediately say, "Well, huh.  It should be I WON'T BE THERE."

And so on.  LISTEN to the words you write.  It will start to make a difference in how you write them.

(Disclaimer:  I'm not saying that you have to sit down and read your entire novel out loud.  That's just...silly.  But spending some time on pertinent scenes of dialogue, and reading them out loud so that you can really listen to your characters conversing, will go a long way in improving the way you make your characters talk.)

All righty, then -- have at it!  And best of luck.  I truly want you to be able to produce the best that you are capable of.  Dialogue, ultimately, is FUN!  Spending a little time making it better will allow you to enjoy it so much more.  Your characters--and your readers--will thank you.

Use "Said" or Die

I'm going to say it in a loud voice:  SAID IS AN INVISIBLE WORD.  PLEASE USE IT.

If you're a seasoned writer, you already know this.  But if you're newer to the game, or haven't dived into the arena of feedback and critique partners yet, then you need to hear it.

I'm not sure who to blame here, but my theory is that the propensity to scramble for words to use instead of said comes from a combination of misguided creative writing teachers and an author's quest for originality.  To the teachers, I say, "STOP IT."  To the urge for originality, I say, "DON'T PRACTICE BEING ORIGINAL ON A WORD NOBODY IS SUPPOSED TO NOTICE."

I recently edited several chapters for a client who seemed to feel it was his duty to avoid said at all costs.  It's not his fault--clearly he learned this somewhere along the way (and I sincerely hope I have helped him to unlearn it).  Within only a few chapters, I found the following words-that-aren't-said:

replied

observed
enjoined
announced
admonished
restated
lamented
summoned (WTH?)
protested
directed
murmured
rejoined
exclaimed
stammered
enthused
recounted
questioned
retorted
ribbed
proclaimed

Those are all perfectly legitimate words, and some of them are rather juicy.  But words like this should be used sparingly or not at all, depending on your genre.  When I see words like this in a manuscript, my brain immediately screams, "Thesaurus Abuser!"  And it's probably true.  Thing is, we don't need to waste time coming up with substitutes for said, because WE DON'T NEED TO CALL ATTENTION TO THIS WORD AT ALL.

"But, Authoress!  Sometimes I really do need a word other than said!"

Of course you do.  And here are some that you can use with impunity:

ASK  (because characters do ask questions sometimes)

WHISPER  (if your character is truly whispering, then it's obviously okay to say so)

YELL/SHOUT (but again, only occasionally--it's much more effective to SHOW us that your character is yelling by the words he is speaking, rather than TELLING us)

The rest?  Use them the way you would use ghost peppers in your homemade chili.

As for the trusty Thesaurus?  DON'T USE IT TO LOOK FOR REPLACEMENTS FOR THE WORD SAID.  Not ever.  If you're thinking that hard about a dialogue tag, you're putting your energy into the wrong thing.

Just. Use. Said.

"The end", she piped merrily.

Fake Query? Okay, Why Not!

Jodi Meadows and I have been friends for almost as long as I've been Authoress.  (And she is the one, of course, who singlehandedly unveiled my identity within mere months of having met her.  So there's that.)

Anyway, you know how, every so often, you come across an old document file that you don't remember writing?  Well, I've just come across one of those.  It's a fake query letter that I wrote for Jodi, back when she did query critiques on her blog.  (She doesn't do that anymore.  Just for the record.)

So in the interest of sharing what not to do in your query letter, please enjoy this from-the-forgotten-archives piece of literary goo.

Dear Mrs. Meadow,

Wives come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors, including dead.

Would you like to get a marriage proposal like that?  LaTabitha Smoke isn't sure whether she should take the proposal seriously--or whether she should run for her life.  Run as far and as fast as she can.

And then, run some more.

Wouldn't you run, if you were LaTabitha?  You'd think her best friends would tell her to run, but it seems the opposite is in effect.  Brandie, for instance, thinks it's LaTabitha's boyfriend Fang's way of reminding her that they'll stay together "'til death do us part."  Chad, who is in the midst of a sexual identity crisis, thinks LaTabitha should kill herself and get it over with.  And Magnolia?  She's too busy fighting with LaTabitha's sister Prune over who gets to be maid of honor at the wedding.

So much conflict.  So many dissenting opinions.  Meanwhile, Fang seems to have disappeared.  LaTabitha is slightly suspicious when she discovers what looks like Fang's left hand and part of his wrist lying on the floor of her laundry room.  But it's getting harder and harder to figure out what she should do about that marriage proposal.  LaTabitha is confused...worried...conflicted.

So.  Much.  Conflict.

Are you ready to find out what happens to LaTabitha?  On Marriage and Death is complete at 19,000 words and is ready for your amazed perusal.  Nobody else has asked for it; you can be the first!!

I have been writing comedic horror since I was about six years old.  The first one was just a one-page class assignment in which we had to use our spelling words to craft a little tale, but my teacher was so astounded by my story (entitled Zombies in the Dark Park) that she hung it on the classroom door and kept it there all year.

Things would only get better from there.

In middle school, I was on the executive board of our school literary magazine, Scribbles.  During my four-year tenure, I contributed twenty-eight stories and seven poems, as well as editing other people's work and spending an inordinate amount of time on page layout, since this was before the days of word processing.

By the time I reached ninth grade, I was completing roughly three novels a month.  Many of these are edited and available, should you be interested.  I have included a title/genre list on the title page of On Marriage and Death. 

I work part-time at a local sub shop and spend a lot of time mowing the lawn, since I maintain a high level of concern about my carbon footprint and am committed to using gas-free, hand-propelled mowers.  (You should see my biceps.)  Incidentally, LaTabitha is very concerned about the environment, so I think you'll see that her character rings very true.  I know you will fall in love with her!

Thank you for your time.  I am best reached by phone, as I suffer from carpal tunnel syndrome and must severely limit my computer time (I write most of my novels by dictaphone).  I look forward to hearing from you very soon!

Very Sincerely Yours,

O. Fendme Knott, esq.

Grammar: It's Not Just For Kids Anymore

Okay, this is for everyone who feels a bit lame on the grammar end.  As in, words like "gerund" and "conjugate" and "nominative case" might as well be in an ancient Egyptian dialect.

Know what? A LOT OF US MISSED THE GRAMMAR BOAT IN SCHOOL.  Bad teachers, or bad study habits, or the age-old problem of having to cram things for a test instead of actually learning them has left a lot of adults fairly handicapped in the grammar area (not to mention other areas).

I want you to know that it's totally okay if that happened to you.  So long as you do something about it now that you're a writer.  Yanno?

I posted a new THE BASICS in Write On! yesterday.  This one's on possessive pronouns and gerunds.  And a tweet from one of my sweet followers on Twitter was filled with a measure of embarrassment at her own level of grammar knowledge.  I don't want her to feel that way, and I don't want any of you to feel that way.

Here's the truth:  I did not struggle with grammar in school.  But neither did I master it.  All those terms and rules and such?  I HAVE LEARNED MOST OF THEM AS AN ADULT.

And so can you.  And really?  If you can talk intelligently about why a sentence is correct, that's great. But as a writer, what's MORE important is that you are WRITING SENTENCES CORRECTLY.  Even if you're not able to pen a thesis on the reasons.

Okay?

There are lots of resources out there.  My teen posts are one small offering.  You don't have to take a college course (which might easily produce the same lame results you experienced in school) or spend time memorizing lists.  (Though, really, you should know your prepositions. And all cases of pronouns. And... *grin*)

Just troubleshoot.  Learn to fix each error as it comes up.  Find out what's wrong with what you've been doing, and make sure you understand how to do it correctly.  Then, apply it.  Forever.

And don't bash yourself.  Learning is lifelong.

That's that.  It's really -- REALLY -- all right for you to learn grammar that you feel you "should already know."  If you don't know something at 1:00, you can make sure you know it by 2:00.  Any day, every day.

I mean, you guys write STORIES.  And that's HARD! (No, really. Sometimes it actually sucks.)  So picking up a new grammar rule here and there is cake.

No shame. Just learn what you need to know.

And keep writing.

*love*

Grammar Snark

I've been mulling this about for weeks. And today I'm feeling just snarky enough to write about it.

If you hate me, you hate me. If you love me, then I guess you always did. *wink*

It's like this. We all have different tastes in books--genre, voice, storyline, author. One man's trash is another man's treasure, so to speak.

We're also in a process of trying-to-get-noticed-while-wondering-why-others-get-noticed-first. Not in a bitter sort of way (at least not for me), but rather in an honest, and sometimes frustrated, WHY? sort of way.

We wonder why an author who doesn't write very well gets published, and we decide it's because the story was timely or well plotted or just commercial enough to grab the attention (and wallets) of the masses.

We wonder why an author who writes quite well has an obscure, midlist book lost in the cracks of a dusty shelf of a library, and we're not sure we have a ready answer.

And, of course, we wonder if our own writing will ever "measure up" -- whatever that may mean.

Whatever "good writing" may mean to each individual, I'm willing to agree that we will all have different opinions. And that's okay. That's what makes the market--and literature itself--so diverse.

But.

When I read a novel by a bestselling author--a many times over bestselling author--that is rife with grammatical errors, my patience runs out. Completely.

I'm certain there is no such thing as a PERFECT book. As in, the author-copyeditor team didn't miss a thing. Not a missing semicolon. Not a teensy spelling error.

I'm not that delusional.

I'm not talking about the odd error, though. I'm talking about egregious grammatical errors. Seven of them, to be exact.

That's right. I've recently read a novel (by a bestselling author) that contained SEVEN MISUSES OF THE VERB "LAY".

That's right. Seven.

I'm sorry. I don't have the time of day for this. Sure, the plotting was brilliant. Even the cover is beautiful. But misusing the verb LAY? SEVEN TIMES?

First of all, I'm certain the copyeditor must've seen these errors. Must've. If she didn't, she's in the wrong profession. So let's give her the benefit of the doubt and say that, yes, she marked them. All seven.

That puts the onus back on the author. Either he a) marked them all "stet" or b) never got back to the copyeditor with final approval.

Oy.

Now let's turn the tables. Let's say (though I find it hard to believe) that the copyeditor missed precisely seven misuses of the verb LAY.

(Pause.)

No, I can't go there. I can't imagine that kind of sloppiness. Lack of basic grammar skills, even.

And if the copyeditor missed them, it bothers me to no end that the writer WROTE SO POORLY IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I'm sorry. It has to be said.

I know the lay/lie confusion has permeated society at all levels. Grammar books devote entire chapters to figuring out the difference. Blows my mind, but there you have it.

Nevertheless, if you are a WRITER, for goodness's sake, you'd better know your basic grammar. As in, Grammar 101. Or, What I Should Have Learned In Seventh Grade.

Seriously.

This author had a woman "laying" on the table. He had folks ordered to "lay down" on the bed. Someone was "laying" beside the water.

I died twelve times with each subsequent error.

A brief grammar lesson, then, in order to make me feel (slightly) better:

LAY is a transitive verb; it needs an object to which it "transfers" the action:

Please LAY the BOOK on the table.
LAY aside your WORRIES.

LAY is also THE PAST TENSE of LIE:

She LAY quietly in the bed until morning.
The vegetables LAY on the wooden table.

LIE is an intransitive verb; it does not need an object:

His tools WERE LYING on the grass.
LIE quietly while I dress your wounds.

Right. Enough about that. I just had to do my part. I'm sure not many of you actually needed that.

No, I'm not going to mention the book or the author. That's petty. Suffice it to say that it's a name many would know -- and that he truly is a brilliant storyteller. All the more reason for him to take more care with his craft.

We wouldn't trust a surgeon who didn't know a scalpel from a suture.
We wouldn't trust a bricklayer who didn't know mortar from Elmer's Glue-all.

And I can't trust an author who doesn't know the difference between LAY and LIE. I won't diss him; I won't smear his name around snobby writer circles. But I certainly will not LAY my money on the counter for another of his books, which will LIE, undisturbed, on the bookshelves as I walk by.

Rant over. Snark complete. And now I will shuffle off to find something chocolate.

Organic or Outline?

I tend to be an organic writer.

In other words, I conceive an idea and begin writing. I don't spend weeks or months carefully plotting out what-happens-next. I simply write.

There's a downside. I sometimes write myself into a corner. I seem to be particularly adept at writing a knock-out, leave-you-breathless chapter ending, only to have no idea what's happening next.

What was that unusual sound? Why was Mr. Blankensnort standing by the lake without any clothes on? Who screamed? What's around the bend? How is this all related, anyway?

It can get messy.

Naturally, I've always got a notebook on hand. Notebooks are for working out plot points, scribbling down backstory, making sure everything works. In that sense, I suppose I'm not one hundred percent organic, in that I do need to stop from time to time and get back to my little notebook.

But there are those writers who plan down to the last quotation mark exactly what's going to happen, chapter by chapter. They've got a beginning, middle, and ending, all roughly outlined and ready to be developed into a well told tale. Once the grunt work is done, it's a matter of letting those words flow.

I admire writers like that.

But I also admire writers who can sit down and spin a tale without having to work so hard before they start. For some, the gift of storytelling comes easily. Complicated plots and subplots are a matter of course, like eating three meals a day and putting gas in your car. They're part of your day, and you don't have to think really hard each time you do one of them.


For me, the writing part comes more easily. It's the storytelling that makes me sweat. Even still, I'm at my best when I'm writing organically, trusting the details to work themselves out as I go. And when I do have some behind-the-scenes things to figure out, I actually enjoy crawling into bed early with my notebook and pen, in order to work out my latest story, develop my latest character, solve my latest problems. Dozing off notwithstanding, it can be a highly productive time.


So tell me -- are you organic or outlining? Or a synthesis? Or neither?

For the Newbie: How To Be a Writer

This isn't a Writing 101 post. It's a bare-bones, how-do-I-get-started post for folks who wonder how they're actually going to do this thing.

Actually, I'm about to impart Common Sense to you.

I can't tell you how many folks have written to me, "Do you think I should go back to school to be a writer?" Or, "Should I take some writing courses first?"

"School" and "Writing Courses" and "Sundry Investments of Time and Money Loosely Related to the Art of Writing" aren't going to guarantee anyone publication. Yes, there are times when a good brush-up course on English Grammar is a good idea. Especially if you don't know when to use "lie" and "lay," or if you can't tell me what a gerund is.

But really, the best advice is to write -- a lot. And to read -- a lot. Read good writers. Read a variety of writers.

Now for the Common Sense part:

1. Make writing a priority. Do you have an idea for a novel? An outline scribbled on a few sheets of notebook paper? If you don't act on it, it will never happen. Write.

2. Your "personal computer time" is probably limited. So don't sit there for an hour reading your favorite blogs, answering email, and dancing around on Myspace before cracking open your latest Word document. Sure, there's a lot of good stuff out there. I've linked to a bunch of it, and I'll be adding more. But don't let the "good stuff" take the place of actually writing. Write.

3. Don't even think about agents and publishers and the Best Seller list while you're writing your first draft. Or your second, or your third, or however many drafts you're going to end up with. You're going to need a polished, edited, re-edited, re-re-edited manuscript before you move on to the next big step. Focus. Write.

4. Don't hand your story to your parents, your spouse, your neighbors, your Bunko buddies, your mailman, your fifth grade English teacher, or your barber, and take their reactions as Gospel. If you think for a moment that anyone is going to say something like, "Well, this is a great start, but you have some work ahead of you," you are mistaken. Instead, you're going to hear praises unlike anything heard before. "You are so talented!" "This is fabulous! Simply fabulous!" "Oh my gosh, you mean this isn't published yet?" "Wow! This is Best Seller material!" Right. They'll say it, and you'll believe it. And it won't be true. Especially if it's your first novel. So keep friends and relatives away from your work. Just write.

5. The real input is going to come from like-minded writers who are willing to swap work with you, or from a critique group that you trust. (Disclaimer: Not all crit groups are created equal. A group of poor writers is going to give out poor advice. Choose wisely.) Be willing to rip your work to bits. Be willing to delete, delete, and delete some more. Don't fall in love with your words. Be fickle. Be flexible. And when someone tells you that something isn't working, and you know it isn't working, get rid of it. And then write it better.

So, the distillation of my Common Sense points is as follows:

1. Write.
2. Write.
3. Write.
4. Write.
5. Write.

And you know, this advice isn't just for "newbies." Those of us who are on our second or third or fifteenth novels need the same reminders. Life is short. WRITE.

Feel free to add your own "Common Sense" advice in the comments box!