Agent Wish List For Joan Paquette--Critique Guidelines

Today we have 4 offerings for Joan Paquette of Erin Murphy.  (See her wish list HERE.)

When leaving your critique, please focus your comments on the actual writing rather than on the query letter.  General comments about the query are fine and can be helpful -- things like "the premise drew me right in" or "I don't have a sense of what the stakes really are".  But try to avoid nitpicking the query.  (I'm not a fan of the overshopped query letter.)

Keep your eyes open for Joan's comments on these entries!  If she doesn't choose to ask for more material, she will let the authors know why.

Here are the general critique guidelines, as always:

• Please leave your critique for each entry in the comment box for that entry.
• Please choose a screen name to sign your comments. The screen name DOES NOT have to be your real name; however, it needs to be an identifiable name.  ("Anonymous" is not a name.)
• Critiques should be honest but kind, helpful but sensitive.
• Critiques that attack the writer or are couched in unkind words will be deleted.*
• Cheerleading IS NOT THE SAME as critiquing.  Please don't cheerlead.
• Having said that, it is perfectly acceptable to say positive things about an entry that you feel is strong.  To make these positive comments more helpful, say why it's a strong entry.

Have fun!

Agent Wish List: Joan Paquette #4

TITLE: The Ruby Locket
GENRE: YA - Dystopian

Dear Joan Paquette,

I am submitting a YA novel of 64,000 words for your consideration. Please find below the first 250 words. The Ruby Locket is a YA dystopian novel told from the two points of view of Kerina and Saxon. It tells two different stories about two different lives but one connected future.　

Saxon finds Kerina near death on the outskirts of the Utopia community. She wakes with no memory, just hunted images she struggles to understand.

Saxon discovers Kerina is Okodee, a genetically engineered trait found in few people. She is being is pursued by those who know her Okodee secret. Saxon finds out the death of his parents was no accident. To find answers they set off together on a quest of self-discovery.

Along the way Saxon learns the truth of his parents’ murder just as Kerina discovers her true identity and their worlds collide forever.

My debut YA novel, Destiny Road was released by Morris Publishing Australia (Sep 2012). The publishing contract was won through a writing competition. Destiny Road is a contemporary story of decisions and consequences for 16 year old Jessica. In 2015 I was honoured as a participant of the Maurice Saxby Mentorship Program. 



-----

There’s nothing else to look at, except the body slumped on the ground.

‘Do you think she’s alive, Manny?’

‘Nope.’

‘Must be a wanderer.’

‘Shut yer mouth, Saxon,’ Manny hisses, looking around. ‘It don’t matter if she is ‘cause either way she’s dead. Now let’s go!’

‘We can’t just leave her here to rot.’

The dustland stretches out before them. A crimson stain spreads across the sky.

Manny checks his watch. ‘It’s late. Constance will be gettin’ worried.’

The days are longer at this time of year, but it will soon be night. They don’t want to be out here when darkness falls.

‘We gotta burn her,’ says Saxon. ‘It ain’t right not to and you know it.’

The brothers stare at each other, waiting for the other to give in. It won’t be Saxon. It never is.

‘All right, fine. We’ll come back and get her early tomorrow morn. You can help me take her to work at the Crematorium.’ Manny’s footsteps crunch on the gravel as he skulks away.

Saxon pinches the bridge of his nose. A habit of frustration picked up from his late father. It doesn’t sit well with him leaving the body here. Wild animals might find her. He squats and stares, careful to keep some distance. The girl’s long, black hair is matted, spilling out around her head. Her skin is blistered and peeling. Dirt streaks her face with dark lashes crusted closed. She might have been pretty before death found her.

Agent Wish List: Joan Paquette #3

TITLE: Pieces of Isla
GENRE: YA - Novel in Verse set in Thailand

Dear Ms. Paquette,

I completely enjoyed your own MG novel NOWHERE GIRL, which made me miss Thailand, where I grew up.

When fifteen-year-old Isla's dad doesn’t come home from his run, Isla’s world shatters. Isla's mother moves them from Emerald Isle, North Carolina to Bangkok, Thailand. But the culture shock of the new country only enunciates Isla’s grief and drives a wedge between Isla and her mom. Isla suspects her mom of jumping into a new relationship. The divide between them grows wider until Isla discovers her mother hasn’t been chasing after a new boyfriend. PIECES OF ISLA, complete at 19,500 words. Isla learns to navigate her new country, find a new normal, and develop a few surprise relationships along the way.

I hold a M.A. and M.F.A., both in Children’s Literature, from Hollins University, where I was the two-time recipient of the program’s most competitive honor, the Shirley Henn Creative Writing Award. I am the author of Ancient China (ABDO, 2015), and have also written for Children’s Writer, Appleseeds Magazine, StarrMatica, SRA/McGraw-Hill, Interactive Achievement, DIYMFA, and SCBWI Bulletin.  I am an elementary librarian and an active member of SCBWI and Julie Hedlund’s 12x12. I also write about mentor texts, both for the classroom and for writers, at www.marcieatkins.com. I am planning to attend the Highlights Foundation workshop on Novels in Verse in May.

I'm looking for an agent willing to represent my middle grade novels and my picture books as well.
Thank you for this opportunity.

I look forward to hearing from you!


-----

Isla

They named me Isla,
with a silent s,
like island.
Dad named me Isla.
I'd be strong
as an island in a hurricane,
fearless in fierce water.

Mom named me Isla,
for Emerald Isle,
where we grew up--
brushing the Atlantic
off North Carolina.
She hoped I'd be as priceless
as that jewel in the sea.

I can't live up to my name,
avoiding ocean,
sand.

I'm Isla,
awash in grief.


August
Bangkok, Thailand

Running
We are running
from salty breeze—
the smell of Dad
after a swim
in Emerald waves.

The beach
sandpapers my heart,
rubs me raw
memories wash up with every tide,
drowning me.

Mom copes by dragging
me to Bangkok—
the farthest place in the world
from Emerald Isle.
If you go any farther,
you head back
home.

We Are Here

Thirty-two hours,
layovers in Charlotte, Chicago, Seoul,
three cardboard dinners,
one breakfast,
two movies.

My eyelids drooped
but my mind stayed awake.

My backpack
strapped to my stomach,
protects the Mason jar
tucked in the front pocket.

My restless legs
itch to run
down the aisle,
steps,
across the tarmac.
I’m a marathon runner
at the back of the pack—
thirty-six rows
from freedom.

Mom shoots me a be-patient stare,
my legs wrestle
to go.
Get out.

Bangkok air sucks
the breath
out of me,
thicker than North Carolina air,
strong,
a mix of sewer, sweat,
stir-fry.

Agent Wish List: Joan Paquette #2

TITLE: CAST IN SHADOW
GENRE: YA - Contemporary

Dear Ms. Paquette:

Seventeen-year-old Tomoe Ikeda wants to follow in her grandmother’s footsteps and become the best ninja in Japan. Too bad her skill as a shinobi is matched only by her propensity to get into trouble. By day Tomoe excels at taijutsu, but by night she’s nearly burning down the bonsai in the greenhouse.
But things turn serious when Tomoe stumbles across an older ninja who’s been fatally wounded by an unknown assailant. When the incident is covered up, she begins to suspect her teachers might be hiding something. Tomoe decides to investigate on her own, but doesn’t know who to trust as she uncovers secrets about both her grandmother’s past and her school’s escalating conflict with the rival ninja academy.

Being a twenty-first century shinobi wasn’t supposed to be this complicated. Now Tomoe must discover the killer who’s assassinating innocent ninja - before she loses her chance at becoming a shinobi forever.

CAST IN SHADOW is a contemporary young adult novel, complete at approximately 65,000 words.
After earning a black belt in both karate and taekwondo, I majored in Japanese at university and lived in Tokyo for a year. While there I also learned both kendo and iaido, two forms of Japanese sword fighting. All of these things inspired me to write a novel set in Japan about the life of a young shinobi.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

-----

Ninja.

So many myths surrounded us. Silent assassins. Invisible spies. Mercenaries without allegiance or honor. It all sounded very dramatic.

But really, all I wanted was to win my bet.

I stared at the ceiling, letting my body sink into stillness. Silent. Focused. I’d bandaged the nicks I’d gotten from today’s training. They’d heal fast enough. But my sternum ached with each measured breath. That would take longer to go away, although I’d deserved nothing less for losing control of my momentum. A rookie shinobi mistake. Grandmother would’ve been disappointed.

My heartbeat sped up at the thought. She hadn’t spent countless hours practicing with me so that I could fight like a novice. Angrily, I pushed it from my mind. I forced myself to take deep, even breaths. Concentrated on tonight’s goal. If I wanted to slip out of the dorm, the other girls had to think I was asleep. Despite the mess of a day, a smile tugged at my lips.

My fingers fiddled with the plain silver necklace – the last gift from Grandmother - before ghosting over the homemade smoke bomb tucked in my pocket. I couldn’t wait to try it out. If only she could see me now.

When the last of the girls around me settled into a heavy sleep, I made my move. Soundlessly, I unwrapped myself from my bedding and pulled on black jeans, a black t-shirt, and black shoes. Color that blended with the night. I’d hoped for an overcast evening, but light from a bright, full moon filtered through the windows. It made my job infinitely harder.

Agent Wish List: Joan Paquette #1

TITLE: A WORLD AWAY
GENRE: YA - Contemporary

Dear Ms. Paquette:

Ivy Ransom’s seventeen-year-old palate has died and gone to heaven when her family trades small-town Wisconsin for a five-month stay in Chennai, India. As an aspiring chef, she leaps at the chance to try new recipes and expand her repertoire of spices.

But staying in heaven requires a hellish compromise—top marks in all her online classes. Not only is her father a teacher, but her mother is a former professor who is dead set on getting her daughter into Harvard. If Ivy can’t keep up her grades, she’ll be back in Wisconsin before she can master the art of the perfect dosa.

Although Ivy would rather explore Chennai than spend hours at her studies, she manages her daunting workload. She even adheres to her mother’s strict no-dating rule, despite her feelings for Raj, an Indian-American expat who’s become her confidante. As their relationship heats up, Ivy struggles to balance cooking lessons, schoolwork, and stolen kisses. For once, she’d like to take control of her life, but defying her parents could put a swift end to her India adventure and crush her romance with Raj.

Complete at 79,000 words, A WORLD AWAY is a young adult contemporary novel that will appeal to readers who enjoy books set in far-flung destinations. The story was inspired by my own experiences, living with my family in South India.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

-----

When it comes to late-night misery, the only thing worse than jet lag is sharing a bed with a squirmy eleven-year-old. I jab Miles with my elbow. “Quit kicking me.”

“I can’t sleep. And I’m thirsty.” He sits up and pushes the covers away. “Do you think it’s okay if I fill my water bottle from the tap?”

“Remember what Dad told us? We can’t drink the tap water here.”

“Could we go buy some? I think I saw vending machines when we were up at the pool.”

Chances are good our parents won’t miss us. They’re crashed out in the bed next to ours, snoring away. But it’s almost midnight and we’re eight thousand miles from home, at a high-rise hotel in India. These aren’t normal conditions.

“Please, Ivy?” Miles says. “Otherwise, I’ll never get back to sleep.”

“Fine. But let’s be quick. If Mom wakes up and sees we’re gone, I’m the one that’ll get in trouble.” The last thing I need is another lecture on responsibility.

I scrawl a note and leave it on my pillow: Went to get water. Back in five. Following Miles into the hall, I ease the door shut behind me.

When we emerge from the elevator onto the roof, hot, smoggy air envelops us. The pool is eerily silent, the light shimmering off the water. From below, the barrage of horns melds into a noisy blur. I wonder if New Delhi is like New York—a city that never sleeps.

Update on Deidre Knight's Wishlist

Deidre Knight requested more material from both of our Wish List finalists this week -- great news!

If you missed the entries, you can read them now (and also read Deidre's comments):

CYNISCA AND THE OLIVE CROWN (YA Historical)

CALL OF THE KOEL (Historical)

Congratulations to both authors!

Agent Wish List for Deidre Knight: Critique Guidelines

Welcome to our first AGENT WISH LIST critique round!

Today we have 2 offerings for Deidre Knight of The Knight Agency.  (See her wish HERE.)

When leaving your critique, please focus your comments on the actual writing rather than on the query letter.  General comments about the query are fine and can be helpful -- things like "the premise drew me right in" or "I don't have a sense of what the stakes really are".  But try to avoid nitpicking the query.  (I'm not a fan of the overshopped query letter.)

Keep your eyes open for Deidre's comments on these entries!  If she doesn't choose to ask for more material, she will let the authors know why.  This is a wonderful glimpse inside the brain of an agent!

Here are the general critique guidelines, as always:

• Please leave your critique for each entry in the comment box for that entry.
• Please choose a screen name to sign your comments. The screen name DOES NOT have to be your real name; however, it needs to be an identifiable name.  ("Anonymous" is not a name.)
• Critiques should be honest but kind, helpful but sensitive.
• Critiques that attack the writer or are couched in unkind words will be deleted.*
• Cheerleading IS NOT THE SAME as critiquing.  Please don't cheerlead.
• Having said that, it is perfectly acceptable to say positive things about an entry that you feel is strong.  To make these positive comments more helpful, say why it's a strong entry.

Have fun!

Agent Wish List: Deidre Knight #2

TITLE: CALL OF THE KOEL
GENRE: Adult - Historical/Women's Fiction

QUERY:

Dear Ms Knight,

In 19th century Hong Kong, everything from flesh to secrets has a price.

Siu Lin is a concubine who knows never to expect love from her master. Helena is an English woman seeking a husband in order to escape her past. When betrayal and disaster throw Siu Lin onto the streets of Hong Kong, it's Helena who saves her life. Despite the constraints of race and class, a friendship is born from their shared interest in social reform. Together they work for change by safeguarding prostitutes and taking in orphans.

But both women are hiding secrets. When a plague sweeps Hong Kong, Helena takes custody of another family's son for his protection, and comes precariously close to revealing her connection with the boy. Meanwhile, Siu Lin learns that her own long-lost son has suffered at the hands of Helena’s abusive husband. Now the life of Helena’s family hangs in the balance, and the women discover just how far they are willing to go for the love of a child.

CALL OF THE KOEL, recently short-listed for the Historical Novel Society New Novel Award (which honours unpublished works), is my first novel. At approximately 110,000 words, CALL OF THE KOEL is a stand-alone historical novel.

I’m an American by birth, but I was raised in British Hong Kong. I have a B.A. in English from Duke University, and I live in Singapore (where I was selected to participate in the 2013 Curtis Brown Creative Novel Writing Bootcamp, taught by Anna Davis and Jake Arnott).

Thank you for your time and consideration.


May 1866, Hong Kong

At last, and too soon, they arrived at the painted green door. Siu Lin leaned against a rough wooden post, her legs sponge and marrow from the walking that had begun the day before. Her younger brothers sat down by the side of the alley to wait.

"Don't make trouble." Baba's voice was soft, but he didn't stand for disobedience.

"Come, Siu Lin," Mama said. Siu Lin looked again at her brothers tracing lines in the dirt.

She followed her parents across the threshold. Inside, the damp earth floor, musty in the humidity, teased at the back of her throat. Baba murmured low to the woman they had walked so far to see.
An anxious current, choppy and fitful, rippled in her stomach and she drifted toward the open seas of despair. She shoved away thoughts of home and cast her nets, instead, on the strangeness of this place. A candle flickered and shadows danced over the walls. Two beds. A large wardrobe. What did the woman keep inside?

Baba was still speaking with the woman. The matchmaker amah. Finally, the woman nodded, brushed past Baba and came to stand in front of her.

Ah Yip. The name had haunted her for weeks. Now it had a face, round and expressionless like the barren moon.

"We cannot afford to keep her," Baba said in a hollow voice and looked to the floor.

Agent Wish List: Deidre Knight #1

TITLE: CYNISCA AND THE OLIVE CROWN
GENRE: YA - Historical

QUERY:

The Games at Olympia have ever been a competition of men–until Cynisca enters her chariot.
Seventeen-year-old Cynisca is the awkward princess in the Spartan Royal House. Unlike her savvy siblings, her only talents lie in horsemanship, and to her politically minded relatives, she's useless. But everything changes when her crippled brother abruptly inherits the throne. Controversy erupts, and when an anti-royalist insults the new king, Cynisca snaps. A hostile exchange leads to a racing challenge, and Cynisca trounces the scoffer. That gives the king an idea: demonstrate royal authority by having Cynisca defeat his detractors in the great Olympic chariot race.

Cynisca jumps at the chance. For her, it's a rare opportunity to make her family proud. But the stakes–Olympic glory and unparalleled clout–are enormous. Moreover, no woman has ever dared enter the Games. With hostility from officials and entrants alike, the journey to Olympia may prove more treacherous than any track Cynisca's raced.

Based on events from Greek history, CYNISCA AND THE OLIVE CROWN relates the tale of the first woman to compete in the ancient Olympic Games.


CHAPTER ONE

A model Spartan princess was as skilled in the social arena as a veteran on the battlefield. Dignity was her armor, wit her blade. She could win allies with a glance, thwart rivals with a word. And she never ever embarrassed herself in public.

I was not that princess.

My ears burned as my sister pressed that point within the storeroom's thick brick walls. "Gods, Cynisca! How could you not remember Lord Polycles' wife?"

"I said I was sorry." In retrospect, I probably should've known better than to assume the pretty young woman accompanying the graying Assembly Leader to the town square was his daughter. Hoping to cast my mistake in a positive light, I said, "Maybe his wife was flattered–"

Proauga's fist slammed a shelf, rattling the clay lamps within. "Maybe you should have thought harder before opening your mouth. Considering how often you race against Polycles' son, you should know the man doesn't have any daughters."

"We don't exactly chat while harnessing the horses," I mumbled beneath my breath.

Proauga inhaled deeply, regaining composure with an effort. Her anger was far from spent, but with Agis returning from Delphi in two days, she had more important things to do. "Anyway, try not to insult anyone else. And fix your hair." She snatched the hairpin from my drooping knot and tossed it at me. "You're the king's half-sister. Look like it."

Easy for you to say. Envy wormed up as Proauga sashayed out.

A Wish From Deidre Knight

Deidre Knight of the Knight Agency has a wish or two!

Deidre's Wishes:

• A historical novel about Ancient Greece, or possibly Sparta
• Women's historical set in Victorian era (not a romance)

Does your COMPLETED manuscript fit one of the above?  If so SUBMIT AS FOLLOWS:

• Send your QUERY LETTER and the FIRST 250 WORDS of your (completed) manuscript to me via our online submission form.
• Be sure to include the TITLE and GENRE of your work.
• Choose a SCREEN NAME that is easily identifiable.
• Submissions will open at NOON EASTERN TIME today, and will close 24 hours later, or as soon as I've received 50 entries--whichever comes first.  (I will be reading all the entries, so I have to limit the number I accept.)

Questions?  Please ask below!

A Wish From Kate Testerman

This isn't a official AGENT WISH LIST -- that's coming soon!  But to kick off the idea of wishes, I'm honoring Ms. Testerman's request to post the following, in the hope that, if your manuscript fits the bill, you will query her according to THESE SUBMISSION INSTRUCTIONS.

Kate Testerman's Wish:

I'm especially interested in finding diverse stories by diverse creators, in all genres and age ranges. I am also definitely looking for high concept, hooky YA, and would love to find a great fantasy that sweeps me off my feet. And I would love to find a proper YA mystery, like classic Agatha Christie or Gretchen McNeil's GONE. I'm pretty full with great middle grade now, but am always hoping to find something to blow my socks off!

I've Got a New THING For You!

It's called AGENT WISH LIST.

Here's how it works:

Every once in a while, I will post something that a particular agent is wishing for.

Like, maybe...

"A YA version of the Betsy-Tacy series, with zombies"

or...

"A time travel thriller set in the shadow of Vesuvius"

or...whatever shows up in my inbox.

Once I post the agent's wish, you will have a couple days to submit your query and first 250 words to me.  If I feel that your entry is strong enough to pass the agent's desk, I will post it here on the blog, where it will be open for public critique, INCLUDING THE AGENT.

If the agent likes it, he/she can ask to see more.  If the agent doesn't like it, he/she will be able to tell you WHY.  Which is a rare and beautiful thing, indeed.

And, yes, you will know who the agent is when I post the wish.

Sound good?  Post your questions below!

(And, yes, I've already got a couple of wishes waiting...)