TITLE: Boundary Street
GENRE: Memoir
This is actually the first page of my manuscript. I've decided to leave my husband and am phoning my mom to tell her.
I came out of the early morning San Francisco fog and entered my office, throwing my keys and purse on the desk that took up most of the tiny room. Although I was the first to arrive at work, I still pushed the door closed. My red satin Chinese jacket, a gift from my sisters-in-law in central China, caught on the coarse upholstery of my desk chair and I jerked it free.
My fingers shook as I punched in my parents’ number in Chicago. I would be long gone by the time my boss received the bill. I glanced at a photo tacked to my bulletin board of Liu and me holding hands in Hong Kong Park surrounded by purple and white azaleas and another of us with Jake in his stroller lingering under a trellis of fuchsia bougainvillea in Berkeley. One ring, then two. On the third, my mother answered.
“Susan?” My mother sounded surprised to hear from me this early.
“Mom,” I sobbed. “I’m coming home.” Tears flowed from my eyes, creating dark red spots on my jacket.
“It’s okay. Take a breath.”
Sniffling, I reached for a tissue and wiped my eyes. “My lawyer doesn’t want me to tell Liu. She also thinks I can’t do this alone.”
“Okay.” My mom paused, and then asked, “Do you want me to come out to help you?”
“That’s what she suggested. She said it’s too much for me to do alone."
Your dialogue is really good, very natural and it moves the story and reader along seemlessly.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph brought me right into your character, too. Overall, very well written. The only constructive crit. I can really give is in the first paragraph - it read a little chunky. I think you can edit down the words to make it flow in a more natural speaking tone. I do that too, and it helps to read it aloud into a tape recorder, or have someone else read it out loud so you can hear the rhythm.
I'm not sure of the danger here... I don't know if it is possible, unless you show the husband walking up the front walk, and she knows she has to call Mom and get the message across before he reaches the front door.
ReplyDeleteThis is nicely written though, and I have only one suggestion. Instead of having her suddenly sobbing into the phone when her mom answers, might want to show her reacting to the familiar sound of her mom's voice with the buildup of emotions and maybe fighting to get the words out...?
Nice writing. Nice voice. Nice character description. And you get right to the conflict without a bunch of backstory. I like that.
ReplyDeleteOne bit of confusion...
“My lawyer doesn’t want me to tell Liu. She also thinks I can’t do this alone.”
“Okay.” My mom paused, and then asked, “Do you want me to come out to help you?”
“That’s what she suggested. She said it’s too much for me to do alone."
I'm not sure who "she" is in the first and last snippet. Also, you might want to change the second "alone" to "by myself" or something different.
Very nice. Good job.
I really like this, if you cut the first paragraph. I got snagged with the satin jacked, couldn't figure out why she would risk damaging it. Good action and sets location, but mis-placed in this short segment. I'd cut that paragraph down or cut it.
ReplyDeleteThis reads really well, but there's no danger. I kept thinking the husband would come in while she was talking and kick off some action/danger, but it didn't happen. So I think this would be good for the Secret Agent contest, but maybe another excerpt for the drop the needle with a dangerous theme.
ReplyDeleteThis is some good writing, but I don't feel the danger. I do feel a bit of anger (jerking the jacket free), and a lot of pain.
ReplyDeleteNothing wrong with this . . . it just doesn't fit the danger theme for me.
Is Liu abusive? Because that would add tons to the danger theme if it's the case and you alluded to that.
ReplyDeleteI like the jacket bit because it comes in later with the tears, but as is, it's a little square. I'm assuming that you don't care if it gets pulled because it represent Liu in a way?
Also I'd change the 'She also thinks I can't do this alone.' Somehow the very proper 'she also thinks' sounds strange placed before 'can't'. Perhaps you could change it to 'She also said she doesn't think I can do this on my own.' or 'She wants me to get outside help too.' something to indicate the context. For a brief moment, I thought the lawyer had said something condescending.
On the whole though, I really like it, even if it doesn't come off as terrifying. I love the visuals of the flowers and then of the bright red jacket darkening with tears.
It's a nice opening. You get to the point right away. But it doesn't seem to have any suspense, tension or danger. Perhaps you might hint at why you're leaving your husband, or why the lawyer thinks you can't do it on your own. Did you believe that, too? Or did you have a different opinion?
ReplyDeleteIf you want a sense of danger there, it does need something more.
Did you know that this contest was about a scene with danger in it?
ReplyDeleteI liked this, but there was no danger or tension in it.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice and your descriptions put me right in the room with her. I undersdtood when you wrote "that's what she suggested" she was refering to the lawyer. No confusion to this reader.
ReplyDeleteBecause I cannot see what comes before the 250 words, or what comes after... I realize this is a fearful thing for her to have to do and most likely dangerous. (considering the topic for the submissions)
This being said, I would like to know what the danger is... is he abusive? Would he rather see her dead than let her leave him? Has her soon to be X, threatened her with something? Will he try to take her children? What is the risk she is taking in involving her mother?
But that's the point after all... isn't it? I would want to read more to find out...
I found the sentence with the jacket distracting but as I read I saw that you were clueing us into her Chinese family.
ReplyDeleteI've read agent blogs that whine about too many stories begin with going to work, or waking up-not particularly interesting. So I'm wondering if maybe you cut the lines about work and maybe start with the jacket catching. Its different, a strong visual and then it wouldn't seem like a distracting detail thrown in.
This story is interesting but I agree that I don't see the tension.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to remove the "telling" details from the first paragraph. People don't walk in their office and think "I should throw my keys on my desk which takes up most of the room". If you want us to know it is a small office, you need to show this. Same comment about jacket. Saying it is from her SIL in China shows us that it is a Chinese jacket. Describing it as "a red satin Chinese jacket" is telling.