TITLE: Murder in Crimea
GENRE: Mystery
This is the beginning of the novel.
He lay awake on the floor, the moon his only light. The pile of straw that formed his bed still smelled of farmyard manure. In the dim-dark of the medical ward, his plan crystallized.
His mind churned with murderous images and unimaginable rage. When he completed his duty and the orderlies found the general, they were bound to overlook the real cause of death. Days would come and go before the medical officers even noted his passing. So busy were they filling out their official forms, they took precious little time to examine any man, let alone a dead one. It would be a simple thing to kill him now. The general's wounds would be mistaken for battle wounds and his death would be dismissed along with many others.
Muffled footsteps echoed from the corridor and his hand tensed against a knife. He would kill again if need be. His breath caught in his throat as he waited. The sound disappeared and he glanced about, above all, not wanting to be discovered now.
The soldiers nearby snored or called out in nightmarish shouts, dead to the world. They would be no threat. Neither would the orderlies. They could not even be counted on to discover the general. A disgusting group of Chelsea pensioners they were, sent to the battlefield with no knowledge of warfare. He reckoned it a scheme for saving money, utilizing poor old men by shortening their lives and pensions.
This is a pretty riveting scene, but the killer seems to have plan so well organized that there is little danger to him. Someone walks down the hall but then the sound abates. The fate of the general seems sealed and it looks like perhaps he deserves it. I need to care more about what is happening.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice here but I was a little confused in the first few paragraphs with the use of "he" and "him." Since you don't give us a name for the narrator, I wasn't sure if he was talking about himself or the general.
ReplyDeletePerhaps single out the general by placing it as General. That might give him more importance. I think you could rework your first 3 sentences and make them tighter, more riviting. You have a great voice!
ReplyDeleteI thought this was very well written. I love the voice.
ReplyDeleteI took the time to read this aloud to get the gist of the narrative.
ReplyDeleteI suggest, as a first page, this might not have the ‘hook’ you want your novel to begin with so in that vein possibly more action is the ticket.
The tension, mystery, and danger is good throughout, I liked this very much. It kept me interested and I would read more if given the chance. The pacing was off a bit, probably because it is the beginning of the story so has the burden of building the story and providing the hook to keep the reader turning the page, but it was good as far as providing the sense of tension or what-is-going-to-happen-next feeling.
Good job. Best of luck.
I agree that it may not have the hook or pacing for the first page, but I am interested and curious about this character.
ReplyDeleteSome trimming and restructuring of the second paragraph could further increase the tension. In particular, moving, "It would be a simple thing to kill him now," to right after the sentence ending in "unimaginable rage," might be more effective.
I like the voice and the bits of information that are given. A sense of place is beginning to form.
Permit me please, to quibble with one detail. Moldy straw would be far more likely than straw that smells of manure. The latter would be too wet and soggy to be considered for anything other than compost. If you're simply going for poor quality bedding material, go with moldy. Farmers avoid using moldy straw for their animals because it can make them ill. (I worked on a horse farm for years.)
Good luck with it. I hope to get to read it in print one day.
My first reaction to this passage was confusion. The last sentence in the first paragraph made me think our narrator hasn't yet carried out his plan, but then the third paragraph implies the deed is already done. And why would anyone suspect him of the murder he's apparently done if he's just lying in a room full of other soldiers, apparently in bed? I don't understand the threat he seems to be feeling.
ReplyDeleteAlso, there were a few rough spots in the writing for me:
"The sound disappeared and he glanced about, above all, not wanting to be discovered now" - It was that "above all" that threw me off. Also, the phrase "glance about" doesn't seem to match the tone of the rest of this.
There's nothing wrong with Yoda-speak ("So busy were they..." and "A disgusting group of Chelsea pensioners they were..."), but the two pretty prominent examples of it stuck out to me, probably because they were so close together.
Well, I hope that helps. Good luck!
If I am reading this correctly, then the phrases that seem to indicate that killing the General will be easy - "they were bound to overlook the real cause of death," "It would be a simple thing to kill him now," "They would be no threat," etc - these phrases do not represent reality, but an attempt by the MC to pump himself up, and give himself the courage to "complete his duty." If I am right, then I recommend more showing, and less telling - his heart hammering, his fingers sweating on the knife, etc. Make the scene breathe. Let us feel his fear.
ReplyDeleteIf that is not what you are doing - if those phrases represent reality (i.e., if it will really will be that easy to kill the General), then the key to this section is in the third paragraph. That's the only place where conflict - hence tension - is there. Try to make that paragraph longer and more descriptive. Try to make the threat of discovery more real, and more immediate.
Good story! I would keep reading, at least until I found out what your MC's motive is.