TITLE: The Buried Realm
GENRE: Fantasy
The protagonists have tracked a friend of theirs to a lost cavern. After finding the gates to the cavern, a dragon - or pondaer - confronts the group. Rog Arlanx, the chief warrior, has distracted the beast until the rest are safely within the caves.
The dragon then turned on Rog, and the warrior brandished his axe grimly. The beast snarled deep in its throat. Its breath was hot and sweaty, and the saliva from its mouth mixed with the blood from its eye to form a slimy puddle between them. Rog grimaced. It had set itself between him and the doors.
The creature continued to snarl and stare at him with its single whole eye. Rog wracked his brain for some way to skirt by it into the tunnel beyond. Then, with a swiftness that belied its size, the pondaer struck out with its teeth and seized the warrior by the front of his leather shirt. Rog howled and kicked it savagely in the chin, but the beast simply yanked him into the air and tossed him bodily through the doors into the tunnel beyond.
Rog felt rather than saw the darkness of the cave close over him, an instant before his shoulder struck the sloping ceiling of the tunnel with a wet pop. Then he was falling in slow motion, and suddenly — with the lucidity that sometimes happens when looking death in the face — a most unsettling thought hit him. The dragon had been guarding the entrance, but not to keep people out. Someone had set it there to keep people in. A split second later, Rog’s head struck the cold stone of the stairs and he sank into oblivion.
Oh definitely conveyed danger- especially with the last few sentences. very good job!
ReplyDeleteOne thing that stood out though was the dragon grabbing him by the front of the shirt- that would be hard for something that big to do.
Other than that, I really liked it.
I really like the last two paragraphs, especially the twist (keeping people in).
ReplyDeleteIn the first, I'm not sure how you'd brandish an axe grimly ... that adjective seems superfluous, especially because you used "grimaced" in the last line. Also, you use "snarl" twice ... once is enough, twice I start noticing.
Good action. I liked the scenes and the mental pictures that this submission created. Maybe there could be fewer adjectives, fewer ‘ly’s in the narrative but it created a sense of danger and tension.
ReplyDeleteLoved the way the entire submission lead to the last sentence. Super job there.
Good luck.
Well done! Clear scenes like this are hard to pull off, but I think you have.
ReplyDeleteI had a little hitch with the transition from dragon to pondaer. Honestly, though, that was all - the scene is tightly written with great description and I was absolutely able to get into the MC's head as I read.
ReplyDeleteI love it. I'd get rid of the unnecessary adverbs though--grimly, bodily, suddenly--detract from your submission. Otherwise I think it's great.
ReplyDeleteI like this! Better writing than Eragon. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI liked this (although I wanted a bit more build-up). And Rog's "most unsettling thought" is great:)
ReplyDelete