TITLE: Requiem Eternal
GENRE: Adult Paranormal
Sara O'Duinn is a conscious psychic capable of psychometry. She reads
a man's ring that called to her at the auction house. The ring's owner
is not pleased.
The vision turns to a red door slamming shut. I open my eyes to
see the outline of a man standing outside the glass door of the shop.
A deep male voice bellows with anger in my head,
“Enough.”
I fire back to his mind, “What are you?”
He steps forward to peer at me with a more direct challenge. My eyes
meet his for the first time through the precarious safety of the glass
door. The calculated coldness of his stare is met with the heat of
adrenaline rising within me. An energy builds to wrap him with an
illuminating red glow. Deep red tendrils drift from his body into the
doorway. They seep through the invisible cracks to seek me out. My
mind calculates the quickest exit. I run to the side door pausing
first to listen for footsteps or breathing. The corridor is silent
with the dormancy of the hour. I open the door a crack to look
outside. The door handle rips from my grasp. He stands in the doorway
in front of me too close for comfort. A deep red pulsing energy
encircles his body. The ribbons of color stream from him to reach out
to me. This time, I can't move to evade their path. I focus on a
triangle of hot white neutral energy in my mind to block his attack.
The only comment I have is that the last paragraph seems to be a lot of telling rather than showing. And it's a bit long and drawn out.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I have the same problem with my writing, too. It might help if you broke it into two paragraphs.
It's a little confusing, but I think that's mostly because of the length of this exercise and the fact that we're dropped into the end of the scene.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea, but I agree with Michael above about it being a lot of telling rather than showing - I got confused as to what was happening because I was trying to picture where she was in proximity to the man, and which way she was moving and I wasn't actually feeling anything.
First person present tense is difficult to write in and a little harder to read, so that might have something to do with it, too.
Great job with this<:
ReplyDeleteI think it might take a long time between the point she is first aware of him and the point that he attacks with the red energy stuff. There is enough time for her to attack him if possible since he's just standing there in the doorway simmring.
I guess at that point the only thing missing is an explanation why she's evading. Something that may not be necessary in the full context of the scene - as we are only getting a snippet here.
My eyes
ReplyDeletemeet his for the first time through the precarious safety of the glass
door. The calculated coldness of his stare is met with the heat of
adrenaline rising within me.
Really nice - I loved these sentences.
I enjoyed this, but have a couple of questions.
I run to the side door pausing
first to listen for footsteps or breathing
Isn't she psychic? Couldn't she hear thoughts instead of footsteps? :)
Your language is lovely, but sometimes too wordy for such an urgent section, in my opinion. A snappier pace might help.
The corridor is silent
with the dormancy of the hour.
Could be "The corridor is silent
at this hour."
This time, I can't move to evade their path.
Could be "This time, I can't escape them."
See what I mean? I think it would help the heart-pounding mood of this snippet.
Great job!
This is a great idea--peril in psychic form. As long as the stage is set beforehand with the rules of your world you will have us. Not sure from this snippet what the rules are--what she can hear and can't, what she is capable of and what he is. You've probably established this, so I think for what it is, it does a fine job.
ReplyDeletePrecarious safety sounds great but isn't really needed since everybody is aware that a glass door doesn't afford much safety. One assumes you opened the door (to look outside. You could cut those three words. Too close fro comfort is a cliche that isn't specific enough. How many feet away was he?
ReplyDeleteI like the premise for this story.
It's too bunched up to keep the tension going for me. shorter sentences and even paragraph breaks would help.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued, but I found my eyes glazing over from lack of white space. Try rewording some of the sentences and making them into shorter paragraphs to help keep it suspenseful.
I do like the premise though. =D
This is so cool, written really really well.
ReplyDeleteOkay, this I like. I like the paranormal. For my taste, for telepathy though I really prefer italics/some other way of setting off conversation from the spoken aloud word.
ReplyDeleteThe end is great.
The tone and mood of this piece create a great sense of tension and danger. It sounds dark and dangerous. It reads dark and danegrous. But I don't feel it because your words aren't giving me what the tone and mood are.
ReplyDeleteSome examples --
The calculated coldness of his stare is met with the heat of
adrenaline rising within me.
The heat of adrenaline isn't meeting his stare. She is.
An energy builds to wrap him with an illuminating red glow.
Is he creating the energy or is she?
Her mind calculates the quickest exit.
She's calculating the quickest exit by using her mind.
And many of the sentences are all about the same length and have the same rhythm. I found myself falling into a sing-song pattern as I read.
Perhaps rework that last paragraph so the writing makes me feel as much as the tone and mood do.
I love your title (although I don't even really know what requiem means), but I didn't love that final paragraph. It was too bulky - and every sentence in it is about the same length. Before long, my brain was just going, "Da duh, da duh, da duh," and glossing over the actual words.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I thought you could tighten up the writing a bit. Some examples:
"The calculated coldness of his stare is met with the heat of adrenaline rising within me" - The word calculated doesn't strike me as particularly essential in this sentence, and changing the verb from "is met" to "meets" would make it active rather than passive.
"The corridor is silent with the dormancy of the hour" - I just don't like the word dormancy in this sentence; it strikes me as a classic case of bigger word for bigger word's sake. Why not use lateness? Or earliness?
Anyway, those are just some thoughts. I noticed that several other commenters loved the very things I wasn't so wild about, so I'm sure it's mostly a matter of personal taste.
I didn't read the other comments yet, so forgive me if I repeat anything.
ReplyDeleteThis has a lot of promise. You have vivid imagery. Keep working at it.
My suggestion: read it out loud. Almost all of your sentences are short. Maybe you could vary their length a little. I find reading out loud to be invaluable.
Good luck!