TITLE: THROUGH CHARLOTTE'S EYES
GENRE: YA historical
Near the beginning of Chapter One, the main character, Anne, decides to confront a guy that just followed her from one Parisian cafe to another. The scene is set in 2005 (with later scenes set in 18th century France, which is why I call the genre YA historical).
I grabbed my bag and swaggered his way, wanting him to know I wasn't some silly American girl that could be the object of whatever he might be dreaming up. As I neared his table, he finally looked away and unfolded his newspaper, but then a shock of recognition bolted through my body as I remembered seeing him - and his olive complexion and dark tousled hair - yesterday at Poilane, a bakery around the corner. My body trembled.
But the cafe was full of people. I would be okay. I just had to tell him to leave me alone, to stop following me around, and that'd be that. He looked normal enough. I didn't get strange vibes from him, I just felt way uncomfortable with the way he looked at me.
"Qu'est-ce que c'est ce bordel? What the hell?" I demanded. "Just because I'm an American doesn't mean you can stalk me."
He shook his head, as if trying to make me feel like an idiot. "I am so sorry, mademoiselle." His accent was slightly off--but not American. "It is just, you are so striking, and now that I finally see you up close, I am sure."
"No." I gulped. Not many people paid attention, except for the American girls watching intently, probably thinking the same thing I was: I shouldn't be confronting strangers in the street. I knew it was the cardinal no-no of street etiquette in Chicago, but then again, I wasn't much for street etiquette.
I was instantly sucked into the story, but distracted by a few small phrases. I would suggest the following:
ReplyDelete1. Leave out the "but" at the beginning of para 2.
2. Leave out the "I demanded"
3. Leave out or modify the "as if trying to make me feel..."
4. You lost me at "No," I gulped... is she reacting to what he says, or to how he looks at her?
5. Leave out Chicago (unless it makes sense from the rest of the story) since it's distracting.
Hope this is helpful.
I don't get the sense that the narrator is in danger. In fact, she reinforces that by walking up to the guy and yelling at him. So, why did her body tremble when she thought about the day before? And if feeling uncomfortable with the way someone looks at me isn't getting strange vibes, I don't know what would be.
ReplyDeleteI agree that it's not exactly scary, but that's OK. A few things threw me. First sentence has two phrases that end with prepositions (the object of, dreaming up). There has to be a way to punch that sentence up.
ReplyDeleteThe 2nd and 3rd grafs don't agree. She's rationalizing in the second ("it would be okay"), then gets aggressive in the 3rd? It didn't make sense to me.
I agree with removing the ref to Chicago. Keep it in the here and now.
It's hard becasue I don't know how old she is - early teens or late teens. Having spent a lot of time in Europe there are things one should never do. Confronting a strange man following you is one of them. There are Eastern European gangs that make young girls dissappear. The thing we were taught was to head straight to a policeman or an older adult in a well known store. I just don't think it logical to confront him.
ReplyDeleteHowever that said, I was thrown by 'a shock of recognition' - didn't she just say she knew the man was following her. Why would she be surprised he was following her yesterday as well. I'd be more angry or scared than surprised.
The YA language used is good.
'Just becasue I'm American' Threw me as well. How does he know what nationality she is? Have you talked to him? There are many nationalities in Paris - English being one of them. Those words didn't sound logical or realistic.
I didn't understand her reply to his sentence - She said No? I would have said something like Pervert after what he just said.
The Parisian cafe, the American girl references, the french dialog, but then last sentence, she's in Chicago? I needed a better explanation of locality to keep me grounded. Time travel right?
ReplyDeleteThe stalker set up can be tense and you can build that up even more. She's a gutsy lady to confront a stalker like that.
Parts of it are very spot on and others leave me confused. The "swaggered his way" threw me off. I pictured a drunken cowboy. Sashayed? I don't know. It didn't read for me. Also, how can she recognize him if he's looking away? Later, I feel the "Just because I'm an American" phrase is a bit offensive. This implies that she thinks Parisians often stalk Americans? If not, does she assume he is a terrorist? Isn't that who'd be stalking Americans? And why the assumption? Because he has an olive complexion and dark hair? I'm not getting it.
ReplyDeleteHis response is also confusing. He is sure of what? And she doesn't ask what it is he is sure of--that she is striking? That he is indeed stalking her? These questions can all be easily cleared up.
Next I didn't get the Chicago reference. In the intro we are in Paris, no?
Yet it did pull me in. Not in a dangerous way, though.