TITLE: Out of the Dark
GENRE: YA Historical
It's 1514, Seville, Spain. Marco is wandering through a series of dark underground tunnels, looking for a way to escape, and has just entered a chamber where a strange sound is echoing loudly. He is claustrophobic.
Marco flung his hands over his ears and his lantern flew away, clattering on the rocky ground. It winked out as his cry and the lantern’s clatter resounded in the air, joining the cacophony of noise. Marco gasped, turning and turning, flailing in the dark for a way to escape.
The roaring grew and swelled as if a vast multitude murmured and mumbled in some unknown gibberish. The noise tumbled over him like an avalanche, burying him beneath a mountain of clamoring bedlam. He collapsed to his knees, unable to move, unable to think, his hands pressed tight against his ears, his eyes squeezed shut.
“Stop it!” he cried. “Stop it!”
His words shouted back at him from every direction.
Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it!
Something rushed past him. A muffled cry rang out and the noise swelled again, roaring at an even higher pitch. Terrified, Marco opened his eyes and stared into the black.
Cold fingers touched his face. He cried out and scrambled away, his heart pounding, the noise overwhelming. He crawled through the dark, not knowing where he was or where he was headed. He only knew he had to get away. He had to get out of the noise, out of the . . . .
A hand clutched his shoulder.
Marco cried out and the noise escalated.
“Who is there?” someone called.
Marco peered desperately through the black and caught a small glimmer of light in the distance.
“Help me!” he cried. “Please, help me!”
This is pretty good. I felt like I was with him in the noise and the darkness.
ReplyDeleteI think you could increase the tension or the danger if you changed one sentence. The one where "Cold fingers touched his face." That needs punching up to make it scarier. Try to think of another verb other than "touched" and I think it will improve it.
Good job.
You have me reaching up to hold my own ears. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I noticed is you might need a little more description than 'called' with the "Who is there?" - simply because I'm wondering how he managed to pick out words from all the noise.
I definitely feel Marco's confusion and terror - nice job! Watch out for repetitive words, though. You have "clatter" in two sentences in a row, and use "cry" or "cried" many times over and over again. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI had a hard time with the first two paragraphs. I had to reread them to tell what was making the noise (is the lantern really that loud, or is it something else?), and I'm still not entirely certain.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm with Catherine Kariaxi: If the echo is so deafening, how did he pick out the calling voice?
One last thought: How old is Marco? He seems twelve or maybe thirteen, but then I noticed the genre is YA... But that could definitely just be me.
WOW. I am hooked. Very well written. But also have to agree with the others...how can it be so deafening but still hear the voice?
ReplyDeletelike, like, like. A bit of confusion as to the who is who at the end, such as the "Who is there?" isn't the same person that grabbed him, right? Clarify or add to make me understand that he might be mentally unable to determine what is what due to his terror.
ReplyDeleteBut I liked it.
Great. In my estimation it just needs a minor polish. I think once you get rid of the repetitive words and replace them with more exciting ones, it will sing. Also, as others have stated, be clear about when the sound crescendos and subsides so that we know when he can hear and when he can't. Is the muffled cry him or something else? Human? Animal? Close by or not? These little details will enhance.
ReplyDeleteI like it! I think that your intricate description of the sounds overwhelming him really brings out his fright.
ReplyDeleteOnly a few things...
1) I think, in the first sentence, that it would be more effective to say that his lantern clattered away. That was the stronger verb, IMO, and it makes the sentence a little snappier.
2) If he's claustrophobic and this chamber is big enough to echo that loudly, what's bugging him? Although, now that I say that, I guess if it were underground or dark, that would do it.
3)I'm confused by the hand touching him and the voice. It's not the same person, right? But this isn't a major problem because I assume it becomes obvious in the following part of the story.
Good job!
I found this fast and tense. The only things I'd watch out for is repeating words (I do this to, I get certain words stuck in my fingertips and use them over and over, then go back and think 'what the heck?') and I'd change something in the first sentence. Flung and flew, in reference to two entirely separate objects was strange.
ReplyDeleteI think it would put most people on edge. I can't say I was frightened by the scene because I'm a cave bunny and love being underground. :)
Love it. I agree bout the deafening thing and the voice - maybe he sees the glimmer of light instead? But the writing definitely hooked me. :)
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot, and everyone has pretty much said what I would, except for one thing that isn't clear to me.
ReplyDeleteThe ending is just too confusing, with someone close enough to touch him, and a voice far enough away to be calling, and the small glimmer of light far away. I'm supposing it's made clear, but with only 250 words, I didn't get the connection.
I'd keep reading this.
Not knowing his reason for being in the tunnels, being claustrophobic and all, makes me curious.
ReplyDeleteThe last few paragraphs didn't come together for me.
Excellent descriptions, and I do feel his fear, but I wonder why, if he was so terrified at the cold fingers touching his face, he isn't he struggling to get away from the hand clutching his shoulder?
Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions! Much apreciated!
ReplyDelete