TITLE: WOLFSBANE AT MIDNIGHT
GENRE: YA Paranormal
Scarlet is deep in the woods gathering herbs for Grandmother Aradia's potions.
Her breath caught in her throat as a large wolf emerged from the gloom. Its lips parted in what Scarlet was sure was a grin of anticipation. A pink tongue flicked over its sharp yellow teeth as though it could already taste her. She dropped the rhizome and trowel into the basket and slid her hand into the pocket of her cloak. She grasped the herb knife like a lifeline. The blade might be small, but it was sharp.
The fingers of her free hand instinctively found the tie on her cloak. It was secure.
Aradia had given the cloak to Scarlet almost a year ago as a gift for her sixteenth birthday. "This cloak has been in our family for generations. I used it, your mother used it, and now it is yours. Its magic will protect you from the dangers of the forest as you gather herbs," she had said.
Aradia wouldn't lie, but Scarlet had doubts about the red cloth being able to protect her should the wolf attack.
Muscles rippled smoothly beneath its black fur as it crept closer. Its low growls pumped terror through her veins. She took a step back as the wolf advanced. It snarled and leapt, landing in a crouch a few feet in front of her. The beast's tongue flicked between cruel teeth as it repeatedly snapped and licked at the air. Scarlet stared at the face of death and wondered how painful it would be when the sharp teeth tore into her flesh.
The quote from the grandma was something I kept glancing at. I first thought it should be in italics, or maybe shown a different way. Or this could be me being nitpicky. :]
ReplyDeleteThe other thing is the licking tongue distracted me from the tenseness of the scene. I assume wolves are like dogs and would drool out the sides of his mouth when focused and hunting after food. They are too focused to remember to lick their chops and swallow... also when dogs stalk up to something, they creep up slowly and don't break into any fast movements unless they are attacking.
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ReplyDeleteI thought this had great suspense and a nice sense of danger!
ReplyDeleteThere were a few little things that did stop me here and there, though. The flicking tongue made me think snake. I couldn't see a dog doing it.
And perhaps consider cutting the whole bit about the cape. We're in the middle of a really tense scene with the wolf about to attack, then everything stops so we can hear about the cloak. Perhaps you can get the powers of the cloak in earlier in a different scene?
And last parg - you might turn the first sentence around. The wolf crept closer, its muscles rippling beneath its black fur. You could also cut 'smoothly' in the same sentence and 'repeatedly' a bit further on.
I'm guessing the cloak saves her. For me, you kind of killed off the suspense when you mention what grandma said. It's a magic cloak. She's uncertain it will protect her, but you've given me, as a reader, no reason to believe it won't.
ReplyDeleteWhat if she'd torn the cloak carelessly, and was wondering if it's magic still worked, now that it had a huge slit down the side? Then I would feel some of her panic. But as this reads now, I'm guessing it will work and I'm not too worried for Scarlet.
The wolf is very scary, though, so well done there.
Sorry, deleted my previous comment. The gist of it was this: I could definitely feel the tension. I think the prose is tight and works great. Overall, great job! My only question is on the wolf behavior, it seems a little off. (I had posted a bit about my dog stalking for comparison, but it doesn't work here--that's her stalking something she thinks isn't aware).
ReplyDeleteHope that helps,
Jodi
I like this-the tension and suspense is well-written. The cloak thing pulled me away too- maybe say WHY she had her doubts?
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above posters about the cape. Maybe if she stressed the importance of her little knife to protect her, because she doesn't trust the cape to do so, despite her grandmother's words, then I'd be rooting for the cape to work, lol.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I find something awkward about the first paragraph-- or maybe it's just the "She grasped the herb knife..." coming after "She dropped..." that I'm just not liking rhythmically.
Otherwise, I'd want to read more.
Right off, I love this. Really, my only quibbles are just that - quibbles.
ReplyDeleteThe first is that unless the wolf is sick (or enchanted) it wouldn't have yellow teeth. Wild wolves have pristine, white teeth. Only zoo-kept wolves with an altered diet have yellowed teeth.
The second is similar in that wolves don't crouch unless they're submitting to an alpha. Rather, they posture before attack stiff-legged, body rigid, head lowered. They will mock charge though.
Those are really minor, and I only have a problem with them because I'm familiar with wolf behavior. :)
This was amazing! Put me right in the scene. I especially loved the sentence, "She grasped the herb knife like a lifeline." I really liked all the colors you added, and all the sensory details.
ReplyDeleteOne thing: could you possibly put the backstory about her cloak in another part? It really slowed down the pace.
Nice writing, but like the others, I felt the tension dropped once the cloak's backstory was mentioned. I'm a fantasy reader. I expect magic items to work, no matter how much characters doubt.
ReplyDeleteThe back story about the origin of the cloak distracted me from the developing tension. The wolf continued to advance in spite of the presence of the cloak. Perhaps if Scarlet had expressed faith in its power at the beginning of the piece the fear factor would increase when it appeared not to be working.
ReplyDeleteLiked this a lot - although I agree that Grandma's history lesson interrupts the flow. I don't know anything about dogs or wolves, so the flicking tongue didn't bother me, but I'm sure they know what they're talking about.
ReplyDeleteI was there! I was in the scene, and then... oh. I guess I'll sit through the backstory.
ReplyDeleteI was really removed from the scene when I hit the bit about the cloak. It is completely unnecessary, and actually decreases the suspense in the piece. I'm guessing the cloak helps her, but I want it to be a surprise. That would be a more appropriate time for a backstory.
Otherwise, good job and good luck.
I like this. Great description to give you not just the action, but the reaction from Scarlet.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't as bothered by the background on the cloak so much as the paragraph following grandma's quote, Scarlet doubting that the cloak will work. Perhaps make it more about having never tested how the cloak protects? Or despite knowing it would, Scarlet still felt fear?
It's good information to have, but perhaps reordering things could help maintain tension through the scene.
As several people have commented on the wolf behavior, I'll just say that the effect of the descriptions was good but I did pause to think about whether wolves really behaved and looked that way.
The only thing that bothered me about this was the line, "Its low growls pumped terror through her veins." Strictly speaking, it's not the growls that are pumping terror. It's her heart. Perhaps you could change it to something like: Terror pumped through her veins at the sound of its low growls. This is being nitpicky though I know!
ReplyDelete