TITLE: Love & Lies
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
The main character's brothers have just died in a fire and her ex-lover arrived at the church where she's grieving.
He pushed away from the doorframe, flicking the door shut. As the oak door swung closed, the last sunlight faded outside, leaving the church lit only by candlelight. “That you did.”
Three days ago she’d said she didn’t want him anymore, lied to him to preserve her heart and her soul, and yet he’d come north for her. She needed to feel his strength. Climbing back to her feet, Dara brushed pointlessly at the spots on her gown before reaching up and touching his face. “You came to me…” she whispered and curled her arms around his waist, burrowing her face against the familiar broad chest. Her head didn’t even come to his shoulder, but he felt so warm, so good. He didn’t put his arms around her as he used to, but having him close was enough. “The boys…they’re dead. You remember me telling you, about me…my brothers?” Echoes of L’Emeraude rang in her ears, scolding her for the brogue she fought against in the outer rims of Polite Society.
“I remember.” He stroked her hair. Even though the movement was familiar, comforting in action, something felt wrong. “The gutter trash.”
Dara stiffened. Anthony surely wouldn’t have said that. She was hearing things. He’d always been so comforting when she’d missed the little ones. “Aye, the twins. Burned they were.”
Anthony’s fingers brushed lightly against her cheek in a caress. “I told you, you shouldn’t leave, my love. There would be consequences. There are always consequences.”
Hee! After reading three or four YA in a row, I gaped wordlessly at the second paragraph. :D
ReplyDeleteYes - good show of the danger. Creepy dude... :[
Yow, nice voice, especially toward the end - I could totally hear the brogue.
ReplyDeleteI'd rewrite your first line, though - the word door appears three times in the first sentence. Otherwise, you definitely build the fear factor through the scene.
Nice feeling here - and nice sense of "uh-oh" at the end!
ReplyDeleteFor the first paragraph, which tripped me up, maybe:
He pushed away from the doorframe, flicking the door shut. The last sunlight faded outside, leaving the church lit only by candlelight. “That you did.”
You don't need to tell us the door closed twice.
Nice job!
I'll admit, as I read this I was thinking, this sounds like a romance- then you got me with the last few lines. My mouth dropped open. Chilling.
ReplyDeleteVery good job!
I agree with a few of the other comments about the door part in the first paragraph. Those sentences seem kind of jerky compared to the rest. But then, it could be because it is such a small snippet.
I wasn't really feeling it until that last paragraph . . . but that was enough!
ReplyDeleteI didn't understand that first paragraph, but I'm assuming she had made a comment to him in the previous paragraph that warrants the "That you did" from him.
Nice job.
Hadn't realized the word door was in there so many times. Yeeps. Good catch, and thanks all. This is from the prologue of the story.
ReplyDeleteRissa: He 'is' the romantic lead. ;) Just...not at this particular juncture, some 200 years before the main story.
Now if only I could get a nice ol' agent to jump at it.
I'd keep reading! And I'm not a romance type of girl. But this snagged me.
ReplyDeleteThat first sentence, I think you could leave doorframe and flicking the door shut. Just change the second sentence. Maybe 'As the heavy oak slab swung closed' which would be ominous. By the end I'd be thinking of just how heavy the door standing between me and escape was...
I REALLY got freaked out by the last bit. I'm not a touchy feely trusting person so there's nothing worse than realizing that the person your CLINGING TO might be the most dangerous thing around!
Favorite part? The slip into brogue! My family is Scotch/Irish on me da's side and the grand folks would sometimes slip here and there when they got angry or upset. It nailed it for me!
I didn't feel any tension or danger until that last parg, but it was a great parg. Kind of like dropping a bomb.
ReplyDeleteYou might add some description of the church or him, just to create a mood - a dark, somber feeling, but then again, if you did, the ending parg. might not have the power it has now.
Guess I'm not much help on this one, but I did like it.
I assume the ability to flick an oak door closed is due to some superhuman qualities this menacing character possesses. Nice job. Until I got to the end of the passage I didn't realize the significance of that word choice. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteThis was good - although I would have liked to see the next 250, to see what the consequences are:) It started a little slow, but it finished strong. I definitely want to know what happens next.
ReplyDeleteLove the last para. Totally hooked me.
ReplyDeleteGood job!
ReplyDeleteI agree that the last paragraph in this section really hooked me in. She seems so relieved to see him and seems to trust him, but that last sentence is so chilling. I agree that the first paragraph might need some work. I don't get the "That you did."
ReplyDeleteI thought we were in a trad romance too. But what a hook in that last line! Loved it!
ReplyDeleteI also liked the precurser to that chilling comment where she feels something is 'off' but can't quite put her finger on it.