TITLE: Devil's Angel
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
Angels are hanging out at a bar called Heaven's Gate.
Claire hadn’t realized how tall he was until he rolled off the stool and stood. Most of the angels she met were etheric beauties. They were the inspiration for such artists as Michelangelo, DaVinci and many other renaissance artists.
This one had a hard quality about him that simply made him mean-looking. He had the same features as most others of his race, but the stubble on his face hid the smooth skin. A scar by his right eye marred the perfection prized by the angelic realm. He didn’t seem to care. Yeah, he dressed all right, in a Ralph Lauren way. He wore a clean, expensive shirt and equally pricey jeans, purposely made to look old. Or perhaps they really were.
He plunged a hand in his jeans pocket, pulling out some cash. The other hand dug through his dark blond hair, which fell just above his shoulders.
“Fuck it.” She heard him mutter, his voice thick with an Aussie accent.
She watched as he swayed, looking around. He turned and headed toward her. He threw down a few twenty-dollar bills.
“That should cover me?”
His expression masked whatever thoughts consumed him at that particular moment. The frown on his face turned into a grimace. But Claire could sense his mind was racing at light speed.
She reached for the money and their fingers touched. For a moment, she thought he made the earth move.
Until she realized it was an explosion that rocked the back of the building.
I think I'm going to like that devil's angel. *grins*
ReplyDeleteNice job on the angel's description. You told us all about him without having it sound like info dump.
Good hook at the end and the writing was clean. No real nits to pick.
I liked it but I'm confused, is Claire the bartender? And wow, love the irony of an angel using such language. Only a brave writer would go that far. He sounds like a rebelious one. I'd read it!
ReplyDeleteGood job.
Nice description of this badboy angel! I think you've up what could really turn out to be a great character.
ReplyDeleteEvery book needs a few good explosions, too. Hot guys and explosions.
I needed a little more setup. Is Claire an angel too, or just human? Is this a bar for just angels or for both angels and humans?
ReplyDeleteBut Claire could sense his mind was racing at light speed.-- How does she sense this?
I get a good sense of what this angel is like, and the ending is a page-turner. Good job.
Sorry, I tried to be brief with the set up. Claire is the bartender and also an angel. She knows how his mind works 'cause angels have a bit of phychic power. Some stronger than others.
ReplyDeleteVery nice, Bran. I, too, love your angel character and how he is unexpected in so many ways. Would definitely turn that page...and I'm glad I can :) *grin*
ReplyDeleteThis is nicely written, very descriptive. You might cull a little of the exposition to hasten the pace, but that's subjective. It's just a lot of description going on for a full page and some might consider it too much. Good hook at the end.
ReplyDeleteO la la! I'd read this one regardless of the last line. :D An angel who says "Fuck it" is my kind of character.
ReplyDeleteYou got me. :D
Good writing. Nice premise. Strong sense of character. The Aussie accent for the bad-boy angel just adds to the appeal. I can't help but think of Heath Ledger, given its an angel.
Good luck with this!
Hi Writer #49,
ReplyDeleteIntriguing title, vivid descriptions, realistic dialogue.
Love the ending--great twist.
I'd continue reading.
A cursing angel...scary. I'd hate to meet the demon.
ReplyDeleteYour description of him is very good and of course, I would continue reading.
You know I love your angel. :)
ReplyDeleteNot only would I read it, I'd sleep with him.
ReplyDelete;)
I like this - the writing, the cursing angel, the hook at the end.
ReplyDeleteI do have a question though. I assumed Claire was human until you clarified. Now, reading after knowing she's an angel, I have some thoughts.
Claire talks about angels in a very removed way. I would have never thought she was angel based on the way she was talking about them.
"Most of the angels she met were etheric beauties. They were the inspiration for such artists as Michelangelo, DaVinci and many other renaissance artists."
Most of the angels she met - wouldn't she be one of these beauties as well? They were inspiration - this makes her sound like an outsider making an observation.
Now, if we know something about Claire that seperates her from normal angels (which could be another place in the book entirely) this could make perfect sense.
Overall, small nitpicks. :) This sounds like a really fun read.
Your setup line is priceless.
ReplyDeleteMy crits are more line-edit comments than anything else. I think you need to go through this and eliminate all the extra words.
For instance:
They were the inspiration for such artists as Michelangelo and DaVinci and many other renaissance artists.
nit: Renaissance should be capped?
This one had a hard quality about him that simply made him mean-looking.
“Fuck it,” She heard him he muttered, his voice thick with an Aussie accent.
and tighten this:
She watched as he swayed, looking around. He turned and headed toward her. He threw down a few twenty-dollar bills.
to something like this:
He swayed as he looked around. Then, after throwing down a few twenty-dollar bills, he headed toward her.
I do find this interesting -- good luck!
Very cool - angels that don't wear white or have wings.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this and you hooked me at:
"She reached for the money and their fingers touched. For a moment, she thought he made the earth move."
You write well!
I like the premise of a foul mouthed Aussie Angel.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the suggested edits.
Losing verbs like realised, heard etc will give more immediacy to the action. I felt distanced.
It wasn't clear from this excerpt that she was one of them.
I would like to know how his appearance/ behaviour affected her. The bit about the earth moving kind of came out of nowhere
Loved the cliffhanger ending though.
I liked this premise. Seems angels are making a comeback in urban fantasy.
ReplyDeleteGreat description of the bad boy angel, though it could be tightened up a bit. The passage tends to drag.
I'd keep reading.
Good luck