GENRE: MG Fantasy
Kate and her two friends, having sneaked away unnoticed from the formidable house matron, Mrs. Dodger, have broken into the headmistress’s office to look for an unusual book that they believe might offer some clues to a mystery. Kate is uncomfortable and doesn’t want to touch anything, so the boys are searching. Rufus has just found a wooden box with Kate’s name written on the top.
She shook the box gently; something shifted inside, but it was impossible to tell what it might be. As she had guessed, the box was locked. Kate placed the box back in the drawer.
“Aren’t you going to take it?” Devin said. “I mean, we have a couple of days before Miss Heathering gets back, and I could probably pick that lock for you.”
“No,” Kate said. “If Miss Heathering wanted to give me the box, she would have done so. Whatever’s in there isn’t meant for me to see.” She closed the trapdoor and looked up at Rufus. “You’d better put that stuff back in the drawer.”
“You wouldn’t make a very good pirate, Kate.” Rufus began to replace the books and papers that he had piled onto the floor.
“You’re the only person I know who actually wants to be one,” Kate replied.
The remainder of the boys’ search proved fruitless. For as disappointed as Kate may have felt about not having access to a book that might shed some light on the mystery in the lagoon, she was equally relieved that they were going to leave Miss Heathering’s office without having taken anything. She stood with her hand on the doorknob, waiting while Rufus fixed the curtains and Devin tidied up one final shelf. Then, she turned the knob and opened the door. The lamplight bled into the hallway and illuminated a tall, angular figure that stood just beyond the doorway.
Kate let out a strangled gasp. “Mrs. Dodger!”
This is pretty good. The dialogue seemed to flow, and nice descriptions.
ReplyDeleteI just can't imagine someone finding a box with their name on it and not opening it, especially a kid.
I would read on.
Great ending!
ReplyDeleteI agree that her stance on not taking something from the office is a little unbelievable. It comes off as kind of preachy on the "stealing is wrong!" front... and doesn't come off as realistic.
But I'd read more, for sure!
I liked this, and I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI too was a little perplexed by Kate not even thinking about taking the box. I mean, she's breaking into the office to look for clues, and that seems like a huge one. One little nitpick: The sentence that starts with "For as disappointed as Kate..." is a bit of a run on, and at that length it's a little awkward to read.
Overall I think you did a good job, and I think the pirate line is cute.
Eh, I don't necessarily agree about her not taking the box being unbelievable. If you've established the Miss Heathering character well enough for the reader to get that the repercussions wouldn't be worth the curiosity, then I think you are okay.
ReplyDeleteAlso, unless Kate is British, I'd shorten "would have done so" to just "would have". I'm not sure of Kate's age, but most kids wouldn't be so grammatically formal.
This transition seemed a bit formal, too: "proved fruitless. For as disappointed". The "for" implies that the fruitless search was a result of Kate's disappointment. I'd drop the "for" and just start with "As". But that might just be me.
Beyond that, it reads well. Reminds me of Hardy Boys and Nacy Drew.
I really like this piece. It's a fun read and I really want to read on. Like, it's bugging me that I can't. I'm sucked in!
ReplyDeleteIt seems like Kate should be a little bit more torn over leaving the box bearing her name. I can see how she'd walk away, but I'd like to see her struggling over the decision.
Thanks for such a fun one! Great work!
WeeeeEEEEeeeee!
ReplyDeleteThe writing is clear and fairly tight; and, while the narration doesn't have any noticeable skein to our MC (other than where it 'tells' a bit) it's not dry either. But that is the point I'd focus on if this were my piece--adding some spice to the narrative voice.
The name Rufus is a bit odd to me - I pictured a dog and had trouble shaking it :(
Unlike others, I wasn't thrown by the fact that she didn't want to take the box. However, if earlier text shows this was her idea to break in and she wasn't dragged along, I might sing a different tune.
I certainly want to flip the page and find out what is going to happen next, so job well done!
One Wulfish fan coming up...
Good, solid writing. Looks like an interesting group of characters, though I think Kate’s POV could be brought out just a bit more. But yup, I’d read on!
ReplyDeleteWhat a cute story! I wasn't bothered by her not wanting to take the box either, but of course I was definitely curious about it. I love all the pirate stuff - very cute. The pace is really good.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with a previous commenter on the name Rufus, I did think it was a dog at first and was surprised when he started talking. But after I realized it was a boy well, it fits a pirate. :)
This is definitely a story I'd want to continue reading.
Great job!
I enjoyed this a lot.
ReplyDeleteTo give my voice to the open the box debate- does Kate respect Miss Heathering and that is why she doesn't want to open something not given to her? That was my take on it, which makes sense if you had set up Kate's character that way.
The "Kate placed the box back in the drawer" sentence seemed stilted to me, I can't place why since as a stand alone sentence it works just fine, but with the previous one it sounded off, it may just be me.
Great ending, I would keep reading.
I agree with judall -- great ending. I also grinned at the pirate discussion.
ReplyDeleteIt does seem slightly odd that Kate would be willing to break into the headmistress's office but leave the box without a qualm. Not that I think she would break into it or take it -- just that she would put it aside with disappointment.
I enjoyed this and would read on.
I'm torn between the two sides on the box problem. On the one hand, yes, it does seem odd that she wouldn't be remotely curious about the box. On the other, it's interesting, simply because most kids would be interested. I want to know why Kate isn't? Is it because she respects her headmistress, or because she doesn't think the box really is that important? Or something else entirely?
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading not only because of Mrs. Dodger's appearance, but also because I just know that box is going to come back….
This might be one of those cases where I'm not entirely hooked, but I'm very curious and interested in finding out more about the plot. <- Which, I know, sounds like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth.
ReplyDeleteI guess what I'm trying to say is the writing is very clean and your characters well drawn. I like that Kate decided not to check out the box, but at the same time, it isn't as hooky as it would be if she took the box and ran. Or if she felt something CREEPY about the box or had an idea of something evil or strange being inside. Something that gives us a feeling as to what is ahead after this chapter.
I like that she didn't take the box because we all expected her to take it--but you've got to give us a solid reason. Perhaps if you ended it with her knowing she was coming back without the boys because she didn't want them to know what was in it.
ReplyDeleteI loved this... and it comes with a textbook chapter ending!
ReplyDeleteI do think some of Kate's dialog is formal-sounding for a MG novel. For example, it would seem more natural to me like this:
"If Miss Heathering wanted to give me the box, she would have." She closed the trapdoor and looked up at Rufus. "You'd better put that stuff back."
I love the "You wouldn't make a very good pirate" line, and Kate's response.
This sentence seemed a bit clunky to me: For as disappointed as Kate may have felt about not having access to a book that might shed some light on the mystery in the lagoon, she was equally relieved that they were going to leave Miss Heathering’s office without having taken anything.
But this is nit-picking. I would definitely read on. ;)