TITLE: Enter Like a Needle
GENRE: Suspenseful Women's Fiction
After learning the identity of a woman at the funeral for Mara's two children, Mara chases after the woman's car to confront her.
The rooftop level was deserted. Unless the doctor had parked on the way back down, she hadn't come into the garage after all. Mara sped up as she rounded the curve and then rolled down the concrete slope into the coolness of the covered floors. The pulse of parked cars whisking by quickened as she descended the more crowded levels closer to the street.
Mara hit the brakes. Inertia drove her forward in the seat. Pain flared in her bottom, but she paid it no mind. There it was: the red Lexus. Her eyes leaped to the green sticker on the rear window. She crawled the car closer and squinted. "GMH… Goodsen Memorial Hospital," she read. "Gotcha."
The Lexus sat empty. The doctor was nowhere in sight.
Glancing over her shoulder, Mara backed the car up the ramp. She edged into an empty spot across the aisle and cut off the engine. So what if Dr. Bitch got away? She'd be back eventually.
Mara tilted the rear view mirror and caught a glimpse of the bruises across her face. That was Dr. Bitch's fault too, really. If Jonah hadn't been killed, Mara wouldn't have crashed the car in the first place. And the baby wouldn't have died.
A hot tear slid down her cheek, and she dabbed it away. She centered the mirror on the Lexus and then laid her head back against the seat. Dr. Bitch could take all the time she wanted. Mara could wait.
I might read on a few more pages because the story interests me. The problem is that I don't buy the scene. I can't imagine leaving my children's funeral to chase down anybody. If two of my children were killed I think I'd be drooling in an institution. I'm not even sure I'd make it to the funeral. I'd be that distraught. I think this scene would come much later in the grieving process.
ReplyDeleteA few suggestions for a smoother and less confusing read:
I realize this is "drop the needle" so I'm forgiving of the fact that I feel SO disoriented in the first paragraph. Still, though, see if you can clear up the first three sentences. I had to read them several times just to figure out the sequence of action and get a picture of what was happening, what the parking garage looked like.
I'm confused as to why Mara is chasing the doctor in the first place, and I'm confused as to whether both children were killed in the car wreck or if there was a gap of time.
The last sentence of the first paragraph is overwritten. The pulse of the parked cars whisking by lost me.
"Pain flared in her bottom" also lost me. Maybe this is understandable if I'd read the whole chapter. Still, I find it hard to believe that she would not have a reaction to the pain. If it's worth mentioning in the first place, it's worth giving a reaction.
"Her eyes leaped" -- scary thought there! Never seen eyes do that.
"The Lexus sat empty. the doctor was nowhere in sight." A little redundancy in these two sentences. Use one or the other.
I like her moniker for the doctor -- that tells me a lot about Mara and also reveals some of her emotions.
I'm confused as to whether the doctor was actually trying to get away or not. Was this scene preceded by a chase scene or was the doctor simply driving from the funeral unaware?
The last two paragraphs raise more questions than they answer, though this passage might be clear from what comes earlier in the book.
I don't buy the lack of emotion on Mara's part. Minutes after burying two children, more than a hot tear would flow, and dabbing them away...I just don't buy it. Show me how ragged, how enraged and furious Mara is in this moment.
Again, I think this story has all kinds of possibilities, and I'm interested in it, and I would probably turn the page and read on from this point, but not much further if Mara doesn't become more believable.
Keep working on it and your writing. Lots of potential.
concrete slope into the coolness of the covered floors. Since she’s looking for someone, I’m thinking she would notice how much dimmer it is in the covered garage rather than it being cooler.
ReplyDeleteInertia drove her forward Unless she’s a scientist or a physics teacher (or whatever ‘inertia’ falls under) this stands out as too technical.
I would read on, but I’d be hesitant. The way you have the second to last paragraph, I’m getting the feeling the woman blames to the Doctor for not doing her job and saving Jonah. And because of that, Mara crashed her car and killed the baby. If Mara can’t take responsibility for her own actions, then she’s not someone I want to spend a few hours with.
Being Beth made a several great points and I agree.
Being Beth and Keri Ford pointed out many of the things I was going to... and more. My biggest problem is that I couldn't buy that this woman would be chasing down this doctor right after her childrens' funeral.
ReplyDeleteI do understand that in her state of mind, she might blame the crash on this doctor, though. She's obviously deranged by grief.
One nitpick, in this line: "That was Dr. Bitch's fault too, really." I'd lose the "really" because it weakens the the impact. It makes her sound as if she's trying to justify her feelings when she obviously has no doubt in her mind that Dr. Bitch is the cause of all her pain.
I second some of the suggestions, but I'd also like to add that the voice is great, especially in the last sentence. "Dr. Bitch" conveys volumes about Mara's state of mind. I'd be interested to see where this character's arc is going.
ReplyDeleteDitto to much of what already has been written in other comments.
ReplyDeleteI do like the character's voice, and the scene does convey tension.
Oooh, nice. I'd read on to find out what happens when Mara finally meets Dr. Bitch.
ReplyDeleteGood job! :)
Excellent! Good character voice, good tension and pacing, and you really paint Mara’s pain clearly and poignantly without going over the top. I’d absolutely read on!
ReplyDelete(Though, the logical voice in me wants to ask—if she found the car, why doesn’t she take down the license plate and run it either with the police or the DMV for the Doctor’s name and address?)
Lots of tension here, but I was tripped up by "the pulse of parked cars whisking by." which makes it sound like those cars are moving. Great work ending the chapter with such tension because I'm wondering what's going to happen when the doctor returns.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. I would read on. I would make some comments but everyone else voiced my opinions. Especially, the pulsing cars. I was like 'huh?' for a second.
ReplyDeleteGood job
I agree with the above comments. It was hard to get the actual timeline from this excerpt.
ReplyDeleteThere were some questionable word choices that pulled me out of the action. (I think it should have been momentum rather than inertia and the pain in her bottom didn't ring true to me.)
I didn't buy her emotions or her purpose. She seems too calculating and angry to have just come from burying her children.
As someone else has commented, I would have believed more chaotic, raw or just plain out of control emotions instead - and the descriptions of her surroundings need to reflect her emotional state.
I didn't have a problem with "The pulse of parked cars whisking by quickened as she descended the more crowded levels closer to the street."
ReplyDeleteI knew exactly what you were talking about, the sound a vehicle makes when you drive past, and I liked that you had that description. I think a lot of times when someone is experiencing really intense emotions, they are extra aware of sights, sounds, etc. around them.
Also, that scene was told in so few words, and I was completely in the parking garage in my mind. I also liked how she noticed the coolness of the lower levels, though I liked what Keri said about noticing how much darker it would be, too.
I agree with the word choice issues that others have listed. But I also want to echo what the first poster said about the state of Mara's grief. I wouldn't even be coherent that close to the death of my little girl. The vengeance aspect would be something to come later, I think.
ReplyDeleteSome of the wording was jarring -- parked cars whisking by, when we maybe need a better sense of Mara's own altered senses, for instance; and eyes leaping. But I have no problem with her leaving the funeral to confront the doctor she apparently blames for the deaths: people grieve in their own ways, some of which are pretty 'out there.'
ReplyDeleteIf she pays the pain in her bottom no mind, then it needn't be mentioned. If the idea is to show that she's so focused on meeting the doctor that she's willing to ignore pain, then a few words more description of said pain, or a little more detail of her physical reaction -- did it stiffen her, but not distract her? -- would be appropriate. Especially if the pain is relevant to the plot.
I liked the pulse line because I know exactly the phenom. you are describing. I had to read it twice, though, because as written it does give an opposite perception. Great observation but it needs clarity.
ReplyDeleteI read the other comments, and like every other entry in DTN, you too could argue 'ARGH! but you don't understand!' Good tension and action. I'm curious about the rest. Well done.
I totally want to know what happened...and what is going to happen next.
ReplyDeleteYour pacing is good, voice is solid ("Dr. Bitch," for example!).
I think you've created excellent tension here.
Nitpick:
A hot tear slid down her cheek, and she dabbed it away.
I wonder if she would "dab" it away in her emotional state? Maybe she would wipe or swipe or rub or something less "dainty." I usually "dab" my eyes when I don't want to smudge my mascara. ;)
Personally, I probably wouldn't be able to pick up a book in which children die. It's one of my "oh my gosh I can't read this kind of story" stories. But personal bias aside, this is well written and, in my opinion, propels the reader forward.
Good work!