TITLE: Lament
GENRE: Fantasy
Din has been kidnapped, stabbed, and thrown from a castle wall into a raging river. After washing over a waterfall and coming ashore still alive, he gets drunk and decides he's invincible.
Din breathed in life and savored it. "Wooooh! Come get some Din! Yeah!"
What would he try next? He had already kicked over a nest of buzzbites. The stings hurt at first, but he popped every last one of the little vermin and smashed the nest in victory. After that, he caught a water snake with nothing but his hands and roasted it. Four pair of dots swelled on his wrist and shoulder. The snake was quick but not poisonous.
Maybe he was immune to poison too. He had eaten those brown-bells along the forest floor; surely those were poisonous. He passed out, but woke up and finished them later and was little more than thirsty. Wasn't there any nightshade in this blighted forest? He searched again.
Maybe Kara had been right. If he was the key to their puzzle... he'd have to go talk to her about that, after the bear.
First, he was going to kill a bear.
I like this character and the way you describe the events. I especially like the term "buzzbites." I'm not sure it's a cliffhanger per se, but I might read on because I like the writing style. It's clean and lean.
ReplyDeleteWasn't there any nightshade in this blighted forest? He searched again.
ReplyDeleteTo me this implies Din has been actively looking for nightshade whilst recounting his deeds to himself. Is this mentioned previous to the excerpt? If that is so, What would he try next? is not needed.
I agree with Michael, I like the lean writing style. I would be looking forward to bear wrasslin'
I also liked this. I enjoyed that Din feels invincible, and killed buzzbites and a snake.
ReplyDeleteIt caught my interest right away.
I love the idea of this, but I wonder if it wouldn't be better written as a scene. There's just so much tell, and I'd rather see him stumbling around the forest tempting fate than be told about it. I think you could bring some really poignant humor to this if you let us experience it with him.
ReplyDeleteI'd change your title. Sorry, but there's a book called Lament on the market - written by Maggie Stiefvater, published by Flux.
ReplyDeleteYour blurb sounds great. I'm wondering if you can bring in more tension to keep the reader reading. Is he after a particular bear? Why?
This one’s not for me.
ReplyDeleteI feel that you are moving too fast. I’m also confused by the details. What, exactly, does he get drunk on? He’s out in the wilderness. Was he carrying liquor? Over a waterfall? And he still had it?
He also seems to have no amazement at all about what has happened to him. No doubts. He’s just rushing around, putting a lot of effort into finding deadly nightshade and a bear. Why? What does he get? It would seem more logical to go back to have a few words with the person who stabbed him. Or go to the next town and make some bets. Or sit and fantasize about all the things he can do now.
I have no sense of this character as a person.
(Warning: This isn't a genre I would normally read, so my comments should be weighed accordingly.)
ReplyDeleteGood ending to a chapter. It lets the reader in on what's going to happen next, and there is something to look forward to.
You do a good job describing the character's state of mind. I don't have much to offer otherwise, this genre is too far out of my reading preference to offer anything else constructive.
I thought the writing was clean and crisp and a light-hearted voice came through, but I didn't really feel anything for the MC or his predicament.
ReplyDeleteI like the strong character voice straight off the bat, but I'm not sure the rest of it really hooks me. I'd like to know more of what he's thinking and less of what he's doing. As above, I like the clear writing style.
ReplyDeleteThere was a lot at once for me to take in. Not necessarily a bad thing, but without an anchor in the preceding work it could throw your reader off. I like the wild voice that comes through, you can definitely feel his wild invincibility.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't use bear twice. I think you can completely remove the "after the bear." It lessened the impact of the last sentence for me.
Great job!
Entertaining, there are so many ways this could go wrong! I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteIt's action the way I like it. Quick and to the point. I lived it. Where's the next chapter?
ReplyDeleteInteresting and entertaining; I'd probably read on a bit.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
This one’s not for me.
ReplyDeleteI feel that you are moving too fast. I’m also confused by the details. What, exactly, does he get drunk on? He’s out in the wilderness. Was he carrying liquor? Over a waterfall? And he still had it?
He also seems to have no amazement at all about what has happened to him. No doubts. He’s just rushing around, putting a lot of effort into finding deadly nightshade and a bear. Why? What does he get? It would seem more logical to go back to have a few words with the person who stabbed him. Or go to the next town and make some bets. Or sit and fantasize about all the things he can do now.
I have no sense of this character as a person.
Thanks for the great feedback! Sorry it didn't work for all of you; perhaps a bit more of the chapter would help with some of the complaints.
ReplyDelete@Momwoman - he's going a bit loony, or that was the intention. Alas, it didn't work well for you I see... maybe if you knew what a nice guy he was :)
@Merc - shoo, get away from my story! Wait till I find yours...
@Just_Me - I assure you, it goes wrong in all of them.
@brenda248 - thanks for an unbelievable compliment; hope I'm as nice to yours when I find it :)
@Michael - I love buzzbites, use them in every story. That's a feature of this world -- words are fading with time.
@Iasa, Judy, Heather, slhastings, Deb S, ML, and judall -- thanks, thanks, and thanks!
@gringo - muchos gracias
I love the humor in both the description and in Din's voice! And this is a piece I haven't seen from you yet, but loved it before I knew it was you, Wulf! Man, you keep holding out on us!
ReplyDeleteDin reads like quite the character. Hope goes easy on the bear. (or the bear goes easy on Din)
ReplyDeleteI like the bit about catching and roasting the snake where he describes his hunting injuries. ;-}
I really liked this -- it worked for me. :D The writing is very clean and fast. I liked the humor in the voice, which I think you've nailed. I would definitely read on! Bravo.
ReplyDeleteI could sense the cockiness growing. Loved the last line. I would read on too
ReplyDeleteA fun read - though I did not like the "... Come get some Din!..." phrase (sounded a bit too much like an inside joke.)
ReplyDeleteOther than that the story was GREAT, I am looking forward to the bear fight!
I really liked this, the last line is great (though I agree with Judall that you should lose the first mention of the bear, then the last line has a little more impact).
ReplyDeleteYou have developed a really intriguing character in a few short paragraphs. I love that he thinks he's invincible. And you drop in a few story questions that intrigue me further - the bit about Kara and the initial set up of being kidnapped and thrown off the wall.
I don't know why people question things about the set up. I think we should trust that whatever is stated as set up has been adequately taken care of. Why wonder what he got drunk on? There's only so much you can do with 250 words, and I think you did it well. It's a fun scene and a good ending, in my opinion.
I enjoyed this overall. I wasn't so sure about "breathed in life" - I'd need to see the sentences before it to see if it made sense to me. I'm also with cutting the first "bear."
ReplyDeleteI'd read on.
I really liked the whole idea and set up, and I liked your last three paragraphs, and especially your ending. It does make me want to see how this bear-killing-attempt goes off!
ReplyDeleteYour second paragraph could be improved, though. At least I think so.
Instead of listing what he'd just done in past perfect tense as backstory, why not portray that through thoughts he's currently thinking? Something like:
He was invincible! The buzzbites couldn't hurt him. Heck, even the entire nest wasn't a match for him! And water snakes actually tasted pretty good. Too bad he'd waited so long to realize that they were rather easy to catch, and that their bites weren't really all that painful after all.
That's more my voice than yours...but see how that portrays what he's just done, but through his thoughts, rather than a narrator's backstory?
Hope this helps!
Okay, you've definitely nailed this guy's character. I'm just not sure I like him, as he sounds like quite the...idiot. :)
ReplyDeleteYou've got some excellent world-building details in here that I particularly liked: buzzbites, brown-bells. (And if these are actually real, non-fantasy things, please don't tell me.)
The writing is, overall, clean.
I would make the following change to the ending:
Maybe Kara had been right. If he was the key to their puzzle... well, he'd have to go talk to her about that.
First, he was going to kill a bear.
By removing "after the bear" from the penultimate sentence, your closing sentence packs more of a punch and leads more strongly into the next chapter.
Yes, I would read on!
@Lori - you should check out Under the White; it's gotta be my best yet.
ReplyDelete@Cass, @Writaholic, @Cheryl, @Blodwyn - thanks and yay! :)
@Marty - Hehe... I'll look at that; thanks for being brave enough to point it out.
@Sheila - I know, huh? People commented in many of the entries on setup. But that just shows how important it is!
Incidentally, the fact that Din washes over a river and almost drowns tangled in his pack, then arrives ashore to find it torn open and the only thing left a jug of spirits _is_ the setup. :)
@Kathleen - great suggestions!
@Authoress - bwah ha ha... sadly, Din is the smart one in the group. I guess you'd need to know him to understand... He's out of his element, dragged far from home, and frankly, having trouble giving a damn anymore. Great suggestions for the ending.
Thanks to everyone! To those of you whom I haven't paid back, my deepest apologies. I wish I had time to hit every entry this round, but life is extremely unrelenting atm.
Best to all of you.