TITLE: RED HORSE
GENRE: MYSTERY
Dallas , 1923. During a controversial mayor’s election, Doc Laval, the new medical examiner, discovers facts behind the brutal murder of a black prostitute. Evidence found on the body implicates one of the three candidates, and all three sides separately marshal forces to stop Doc from exposing the truth and altering the balance of political power in Texas.
“I hate politicians,” Doc Laval said.
“Get used to it,” said Bogush. “You’re the new medical examiner-- made friends handling the flu epidemic. The mayor noticed you managing those body wagons.”
Doc said, “There weren’t enough dead politicians in them.”
Alice Brown, Doc’s assistant, had left with the police van carrying the murdered woman. Doc and Deputy DA Bogush headed back in Bogush’s new Packard. Crossing Dallas ’ Trinity Bridge , they spotted a glow breaking through the fog: lighted windows blazing a giant white cross on the Magnolia Building . Tomorrow, one hundred thousand Klansmen would march down Commerce and Main, led by Grand Dragon Hiram Evans, and the Texas governor.
Looking at the light, Doc said, “Damn it, I barely got a new microscope. I hired Alice just two months ago.”
Slumping in his seat, Doc realized his biggest case since the epidemic would shackle him –what he found out bringing hell from someone. It wasn’t his problem a Jewish candidate for mayor’s business card was found on the woman. Not his fault another candidate was Klan backed, or that the third candidate already ran Dallas finances.
Bogush turned on Elm toward the morgue. Ken Kercheville hunched against the building and noted it. Ken, the Klan rat from Greenville , fingered his knife and gulped down a shot of laudanum. Tomorrow was his big day. Last month a judge changed his middle name—“Knight “for “Leroy”. Tomorrow, for the march, Ken’s initials would be KKK.
I'm sorry, but nothing here that peaked my interest.
ReplyDeleteAll the saids bog down the dialogue. You can have other ways to show people talking by showing body movements or such. Also, this dialogue seemed random - “Damn it, I barely got a new microscope. I hired Alice just two months ago.” (might be because I am not sure what is going on.)
And what exactly did Ken note?
I do like the reference Ken, the Klan rat from Greenville.
The opening description of the story has promise for a controversy that might very well be interesting. I just couldn't feel it from this passage.
I was confused or scanning through some of this, so I just pasted in your entry and added my thoughts in CAPS. If I had the whole chapter to know what was going on, I could be interested in reading more. Sorry if you find this harsh, but I'm giving my honest thoughts, which is what I want given to my entry.
ReplyDelete“I hate politicians,” Doc Laval said.
“Get used to it,” said Bogush. ‘SAID’ TAGS STOP ME IN MY TRACKS. SOME LIKE THEM, I FIND THEM DISTRACTING. LIKE NOTED ABOVE, YOU CAN USE ACTION. USING ACTION HELPS GRIND THE READER INTO THE SCENE. “You’re the new medical examiner-- made friends handling the flu epidemic. The mayor noticed you managing those body wagons.”
Doc said, I DON’T THINK YOU NEED THIS AT ALL. “There weren’t enough dead politicians in them.”
Alice Brown, Doc’s assistant, had left with the police van carrying the murdered woman. Doc and Deputy DA Bogush headed back in Bogush’s new Packard. Crossing Dallas ’ Trinity Bridge , they spotted a glow breaking through the fog: lighted windows blazing a giant white cross on the Magnolia Building . ALL OF THIS IS TELLING. YOU’RE SUMMARIZING WHAT HAPPENED. THIS IS WHEN READERS WILL BEGING TO SCAN. Tomorrow, one hundred thousand Klansmen would march down Commerce and Main, led by Grand Dragon Hiram Evans, and the Texas governor. AND WHAT DOES HE FEEL ABOUT THIS? GIVE US SOMETHING TO CONNECT US TO THE CHARACTER.
Looking at the light, Doc said, “Damn it, I barely got a new microscope. I hired Alice just two months ago.” I AGREE, NOT SURE WHERE THIS COMES FROM UNLESS IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH WHAT WAS SAID BEFORE THIS ENTRY STARTED
Slumping in his seat, Doc realized his biggest case since the epidemic would shackle him –what he found out bringing hell from someone I’VE READ THIS LAST PART SEVERAL TIMES AND I CAN’T MAKE OUT WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO SAY. It wasn’t his problem a Jewish candidate for mayor’s business card was found on the woman. Not his fault another candidate was Klan backed, or that the third candidate already ran Dallas finances. I’M THINKING ALL THIS COMES FROM CONVESATIONS HAD DURING THE CHAPTER?
Bogush turned on Elm toward the morgue. Ken Kercheville SO THIS PERSON ISN’T IN CAR? BE CAREFUL OF SHARP POV CHANGES LIKE THIS. THEY SHOULD BE SMOOTH SO THAT THE READER DOESN’T NOTICE THEM. I WAS CONFUSED BY WHAT WAS GOING ON. hunched against the building and noted it. Ken, the Klan rat from Greenville , fingered his knife and gulped down a shot of laudanum. Tomorrow was his big day. Last month a judge changed his middle name—“Knight “for “Leroy”. Tomorrow, for the march, Ken’s initials would be KKK. AND CHANGING POV’S FOR A HANDFUL OF SENTENCES CAN ALSO BE IRRITATING AND COME ACROSS AS GIMMICKY IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET A GOOD HOOK.
This really confused me too. I read it a few times and still I don't get a lot of it. I think you're wording things in a way that is supposed to give us a certain "feel" but it's backfiring and just convoluting everything.
ReplyDeleteFirst, Bogush's first line of dialogue is an info dump, which makes it unbelievable as dialogue. Then you use his name a lot, and it's not an easy name to read, so it kept stopping me up.
The knowledge that the Klan is marching seems to come out of nowhere and have nothing to do with the story at hand.
Then Doc's line about the microscope is a total non-sequitor. No idea why he would say that or what it means.
Then more info dump, and finally a character POV shift.
It's all really disjointed to me.
I'm afraid I agree. Maybe this passage works better in the context of the story, but pulling it out kind of leaves us confused.
ReplyDeleteIt really doesn't read smoothly, like it needs further polish.
I'm not sure you gave enough info to go in in the blurb. Was Doc in the car? That's the way it reads toward the last paragraph, but further rereading suggests he's not.
Bogush's first line is straight info dump "made friends . . . the mayor noticed you . . ." But I do like Doc's follow up comment.
In the third paragraph, if this is from Doc's POV, then HE should be noticing the glow breaking through the fog. Or perhaps someone should comment on it.
Doc comments on the glow with the microscope line, but it comes out of nowhere and makes no sense in this context. (Sorry!)
It looks like there's aPOV jump in the last paragraph: we know we're in Doc's POV (I believe), then Ken K notes the window, and gulps the laudanum. Is this guy sitting right next to Doc?
Bogush's first line is definitely too expositiony/talking-head. Unless you absolutely have to make the point about the flu epidemic because you'll come back to it, I'd say just drop it. Or drop the body wagons line. One is believable, but both is just too much.
ReplyDeleteIt also seems like you're trying a bit too hard to include too much detail. It would read much smoother to leave some of it out:
"A glow broke through the fog as they drove: a building with lighted windows blazing a giant white cross."
If it's significant that it's that specific building or that specific bridge then put them back in, but that's a whole lot of detail to choke through if you aren't a Dallas native.
I'd reword "Slumping in his seat, Doc realized" to "Doc slumped and realized", but that could just be me.
Also, "a Jewish candidate for mayor’s" might be smoother as "a Jewish mayoral candidate's".
I think I'd be interested in the story, but I'm not particularly interested by this ending. Like others have been saying, it's a little disjointed and confusing, and there are a couple info dumps that draw us out of the story.
ReplyDeleteI get the feeling that Bogush's first line is a necessary info dump because it's still early enough in the story that we wouldn't know why Doc had his job. I think that info could come across better if inserted differently. You could maybe tighten up his dialogue so it sounds more natural, or you could have that information as Doc's thoughts. "He only had this job because the mayor liked how he'd handled the body wagons during the flu epidemic."
The next dump, where you're describing where Doc and Bogush are, should probably be given as present-time description, either during thoughts or conversation. It would be more vivid that way too.
The comment about the marching Klansmen sounds like something Doc shouldn't know unless he's been told (or sees the future). I'm guessing he has been, though, and that that information came earlier in the chapter.
The microscope comment is also a bit out of the blue, but I can tell that Doc's angry and worried about losing his job. Alice and the microscope are important to him. I think that worry needs to come through a little more, in thoughts or actions, or maybe dialogue.
I had the same problems as the previous commenters about the last paragraph. Ken's POV throws me because Doc's the obvious narrator (or should be, because there are POV wobbles with the info dumps). Leave Ken in, sure, but just have Doc or Bogush notice him glaring at them or acting suspicious. That would be much more of a hook than what you've got—though still not a great one.
There’s some POV jumping and awkward sentence structures here that kept jerking me out of the narrative. For example, you start in Doc’s POV, but then end with Ken’s without a scene break in between. I can’t say I’m hooked, sorry.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other crits, except that 'said' doesn't bother me at all, as long as it's not used all of the time.
ReplyDeleteAnd my disclaimer is that it's SO hard to give a crit on such a short piece right in the middle of a novel.
I think it might be helpful for you to figure out who your main POV character is for this scene, then stay right in his head, unless you are writing this story in an omniscient third person POV. (Which is hard to do well and not appear to be head hopping.) Once you've decided on a POV character (who I would assume would be Doc) then decide what this scene means to Doc and what sort of progression of emotion/character you want him to have here. The scene should guide us along this progression so that his actions and words work together to this end. Then things like "...I barely got a new microscope...hired Alice..." wouldn't stick out and cause us to wonder what he means.
Good luck with this. It sounds like you have an intriguing plot and some potentially quite interesting characters - it just seems to need more cohesion.
I haven't read the other comments, sorry if this is a repeat.
ReplyDeleteThe premise sounds intriguing, with a lot going on.
The first big paragraph (Alice Brown, Doc's assistant...) felt like an info-dump, as did the second to last (Slumping in his seat...). I don't know where this chapter lies within the book, but I think there is a better way of getting us this information and showing that Doc is aware of his tentative position between the three candidates.
Finally, I don't get any oomph to go onto the next chapter. Leave me questioning what is going to happen. I don't need to know about Ken's middle name here. It seems off from the rest of the scene, and I didn't get any tension from him fingering the knife to make me worry about Doc's safety.
Good luck with the revisions, I think you have something that could be interesting here.
I'm a little confused... it sounds like an interesting premise, but I'm not sure about the writing.
ReplyDeleteIt does have an interesting premise (and I adored the line
ReplyDeleteDoc said, “There weren’t enough dead politicians in them.”) but I was unfortunately more confused about what exactly was going on and who everyone was to be fully hooked. Sorry--maybe if I had more to go on, I'd like it.
Good luck,
~Merc
Seems to me that with 250 words at the end of a chapter -- and the request for a couple of lines of explanation to begin with -- we can't really expect to suss exactly what's going on. What seem like non-sequitors in dialogue or presented information no doubt make sense in the context of passages we're not seeing. I'd guess the final 'graf about Ken, for instance, brings the chapter back to what was happening earlier, even though most of what we're reading seems to be about Doc.
ReplyDeleteI agree that in this segment, some of the wording is a little awkward, but over all, I like the tone, and I like the way the tension is building.
The premise is interesting.
ReplyDelete“Get used to it,” said Bogush. “You’re the new medical examiner-- made friends handling the flu epidemic. The mayor noticed you managing those body wagons.”--
This seems like an info dump to me.
Doc said, “There weren’t enough dead politicians in them.”--
I like this line.
I don't know what the lead into this scene is, but it seems to me there is a lot of telling and info dumping.
The POV switch is a bit jarring.
I probably wouldn't read further because the writing is distracting to me.