TITLE: The Opposite of Magic
GENRE: Fantasy (contemporary)
Emily Daggett, stumbling upon a cavernous hidden room in the building where she works, sees a man floating inside. Startled, he falls to the floor--a long drop. Emily, thinking it's her co-worker Bernie, is horrified.
Emily spent one dazed moment listening to the hysterical voice in her head--you killed him! You finally got a wizard and you KILLED him!--before scrambling to her feet. Bernie couldn't be dead. If he could use magic, he certainly could save himself from a fall.
She hoped.
Wringing her hands, she stumbled toward him, her view blocked by a large stone table at the center of the room. Rounding it, she stopped at the feet of her co-worker. He lay motionless on his stomach. His face was hidden by outstretched arms, his head covered by the upturned collar of his long coat and by the cowboy hat, which had managed to land only slightly askew.
"Bernie?" she said, an octave higher than normal. "Are you all right?"
Getting no response, she wrung her hands more vigorously and added: "I'm so sorry--I had no idea what you were doing in here--well, how could I--"
This was accomplishing nothing. She needed to run for help--if he was still breathing. "Be alive, be alive," she pleaded, pulling his coat away from his pulse point.
There was, she saw with a start, no salt-and-pepper hair on the nape beneath.
"But ... then this isn't ... Who are you?" she said, her strained voice loud in the otherwise silent room, her hand an inch away from the obscuring hat.
The words were still echoing when--with astonishing speed--the man knocked her flat on her back with a well-placed kick.
I rather like this. But I don't think I have a clue yet as to what's going on.
ReplyDeleteWhy does she say she finally "GOT" a wizard? (I know the blurb had to be short-short, but I would like to know this.)
My only comment is at the end, when her hand is an inch away from the hat - I don't think you need that bit of info. Otherwise, nicely done.
The very first sentence has a really convoluted structure. The "before scrambling to her feet" feels like a dangling phrase that is really out of place.
ReplyDeleteAlso, there's something just a little off about the tension of the scene.
Other than that, it's pretty great. I'd definitely read more.
Okay, I LOVE this.
ReplyDeleteI love that she finally got a wizard... whatever that means, and I love that she thinks her wizard might be dead, and I am totally freaking out right now because I want to know who that man was that just knocked her down and ran off!
I had a little thing that bothered me, though...
his head covered by the upturned collar of his long coat and by the cowboy hat, which had managed to land only slightly askew.
you use by in here twice, and the repetitiveness doesn't work for me.
Is there any way we could rewrite that sentence so you only use it once?
Great story though! I want to read more!
I wonder about her "getting" a wizard, too, though that's undoubtedly explained before this part (perhaps "found" a wizard would work better?). The descriptions are solid, and her concern comes across. I can tell your protagonist is a good, caring person. The last line comes across as slightly awkward to me, as though you're trying to squeeze in too much. It is a nice and suspenseful end to the chapter, though.
ReplyDeleteI liked it. The story raised a lot of questions for me that I wanted answered by reading further. I also liked your description of her looking down on the man with his arms out and hat askew. Good writing.
ReplyDeleteI was confused, however, with the first paragraph about killing a wizard. I'm sure if I read more, it would make more sense.
I like this. I just have some nitpicky comments.
ReplyDeleteThe "before scrambling" is awkward and ruins the nice stuff it's attached to. I'd just let it stand on its own:
She scrambled to her feet. Bernie couldn't be dead.
I would change "She hoped." to "Couldn't he?" to keep the reader in Emily's head. I would exorcise all speaking tags, especially when things are happening:
"Be alive, be alive," she pulled his coat away from his pulse point.
Oh, and I would have "Bernie" fall behind the thing obstructing her view BEFORE she scrambles to her feet -- it slows down the action to explain that where you do.
This is fun, and I would definitely read on.
I like the voice here! I can really see the main character in my head. Not sure about the wringing of her hands the second time around - maybe you could have her doing something different?
ReplyDeleteI would read on, for sure.
(Warning: This isn't a genre I would normally read, so my comments should be weighed accordingly.)
ReplyDeleteAnother chapter ending that has the character of interest immobilized, without a hint of anything to look forward to. I think this is the chapter ending: "Bernie?" she said, an octave higher than normal. "Are you all right?" She's still on her feet, there's plenty of suspense, and the reader has the promise of finding out if Berie is alive.
You might want to get rid of your dashes -- and ellipses ... as there are better ways to get your point across.
Also, you have Emily scrambling to her feet in the first sentence, why?
You may want to rethink "...an octave higher than normal...", because that's pretty high.
I don't read this genre, but you seem to have a good story here. Tighten up your writing and think about a good solid edit, and end the chapter with your character on her feet.
I like this...except for the wringing hands. Unless this is something your character does all the time, it seemed weird to me. I mean, she's just gotten the magician--finally!--which I liked, and she's wringing her hands. I think the "stumbled" and the dialog does the job without the hand action.
ReplyDeleteGood job. :)
I like the story and the way the chapter ended. Now I want to know who this other man is and why he kicked her.
ReplyDeleteThere were a few things, but they have already been mentioned.
Good job. :)
This is a stressful scene, and I think you pulled it off well. The one thing that was distracting was the frequent usage of dashes.
ReplyDeleteIn the first sentence, I would suggest not adding the "before scrambling to her feet" and put that information in another sentence.
Again, when she says, "I'm so sorry--I had no idea what you were doing in here--well, how could I--" I realize it's supposed to convey choppy, frantic sentences, but instead, it reads to me like a gigantic, awkward run on. Maybe you can separate the bursts of words into sentences.
But nevertheless, I would definitely read on, because it leaves you on quite a cliffhanger! Good luck!
I liked this. I was drown in by the the first para but I find the writing too compact, but I thik you need to. I've chosen your last sentance as an example.
ReplyDeleteOrginional:
The words were still echoing when--with astonishing speed--the man knocked her flat on her back with a well-placed kick.
Suggested:
The words were still echoing when a welll placed kick struck Emily. She gaslped astonished by the man's speed, stumbled, and fell crushing a chair. Through the pain, relief: he wasn't dead. And then he loomed over Emily, picked up his (swoard/wand) and aimed it at her juglar.
Thanks for the suggestions, everyone! For the truly curious, "you finally got a wizard" is a reference to this character's childhood fantasy of finding a wizard and going on grand adventures.
ReplyDeleteI am interested in finding out who the man is, and where she works that she would think her co-worker is a wizard.
ReplyDeleteI was a bit distracted by the dashes (I think commas could be used in some places) and the wringing of hands. I think you don't need to know that "she wrung her hands more vigorously and added".
I enjoy your voice and would read on.
I like this! Good character voice, good tension, and nice twist at the end. Yup, I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteIt was kinda hard for me to follow exactly what's going on (what kind of drop did she fall from? what IS he floating in?) but the fact he's not who she thought at the end is interesting. I'm afraid right now I wouldn't read on--it's a bit rough and needs some trimming, IMO.
ReplyDeleteI like the title, though. :)
Good luck,
~Merc
I like this - good work. I found the getting a wizard thing interesting, and the twist that he is an attacker would make me want to turn the page.
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot. Lacking context, I’m not sure what Emily needs (or wants) a wizard for, but I get that she’s amazed that she found one and freaked out by the fact that she may have precipitated his death – so that much is well conveyed, anyway. I would want to read on and see what happens next.
ReplyDeleteThe ending is good – but I think you could productively lose “with astonishing speed.” You don’t need it (obviously he’s fast, if he kicks her while her words are still echoing) and it slows the action down at a point when that’s not what you want to do.
In general I think the writing could be tightened somewhat (I always end up spending a lot of editing time on this task – my default mode is extreme prolixity).
Specific nitpicks: (a) I found the hand-wringing distracting. People do that a lot in books, but I don’t know that I’ve ever seen anyone do it in real life – I’m not even 100% sure what it would look like. (b) “pulling his coat away from his pulse point” – I paused here to wonder which pulse point you were talking about. It’s explained in the next sentence that it’s the one in his neck, but by then the reader has to work a bit to get back into the story. You could avoid the moment of confusion altogether by saying she pulled the coat collar away, or by saying she pulled the coat away from the pulse point in his neck. (c) “Wringing her hands, she stumbled toward him, her view blocked by a large stone table at the center of the room.” – again the sentence stops dead for this explanation, which isn’t the effect you want. You could say that she stumbles around the stone table toward him, maybe?