TITLE: The Fallen
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
Daniel invited Janie away to his cabin. She thought it was for a romantic weekend. It was, but his idea of romance is to turn her into a vampire. Prior to this, she accused him of putting her under thrall to make her love him. He is rather upset by this accusation.
The smile vanished from Daniel’s face. Janie realized it was not a good idea to upset a vampire. He could easily rip her apart, tear her arms off, punch a hole in her chest and pop her head off like a dandelion. It would be an excruciating way to die, but the agony couldn’t last forever.
That’s the way out. If she got him angry enough, he would just kill her. Those were her choices, death or the unspeakable.
“Even I’m not the powerful,” Daniel said.
“How powerful are you? What have you done to me?”
The words dripped like acid. They burned a hole in the air, in the ground and in Daniel. They ate away what remaining composure he had. His hands came up of their own accord, not balled into fists, but open and curved, aimed at Janie’s throat. He wasn’t going to drain the life out of her. He was going to squeeze it out.
Right before he made contact, he stopped, froze for a moment, then returned to the path. He looked at Janie one more time before he turned around and kept walking.
Janie was free. Things couldn’t be that easy. He had spent all that time on her. He couldn’t just let her walk away.
A dozen questions crowded her mind, each demanding she answer them first.
If Janie left, would he come after her?
In what had become a horror filled night, her eyes still went wide with even greater horrors.
Would he come after her students?
Would he punish her?
Would he punish her by hurting them?
There were more that two options. Being turned was only unspeakable.
Since the genre is paranormal romance, I'm intrigued by the menacing aspect in this exchange. Janie seems honestly afraid and for good reason--Daniel is very threatening.
ReplyDeleteI feel like there's a moment when we wander into Daniel's head--the paragraph that starts "Janie was free." It seems like he would be the one thinking, "He couldn't let her walk away." It felt like a jarring POV shift to me, before it went back to Janie.
Your last line loses some oomph, because you use a phrase that's a bit odd and requires a couple passes to process. "Being turned was only unspeakable." Well, that's pretty bad, but is it also NOT the worst of the options she can think of at that moment? You might be better off clarifying that, after she's run down her list of fears for friends and family. There were only two options and being turned wasn't the worst of them.
Oh, think you've got a typo in Daniel's first line of dialog. "the powerful." Should that be "that powerful"?
I like it but I think it could use a little more emotion. I'd keep reading. I think it's interesting that she knows he wants to turn her, not many do.
ReplyDeleteGood job.
I agree with bryn.
ReplyDeleteThe words dripped like acid. They burned a hole in the air, in the ground and in Daniel. They ate away what remaining composure he had.-Feels like we're in his head now.
It sounds like a great story. I heart vamps.
I agree about the voice shifting. I found that there were several points when I couldn't figure out whose feelings and thoughts were whose.
ReplyDeleteAlso, this image didn't work for me: "...pop her head off like a dandelion." It seemed out of the blue.
Based on the description, I'm unsure who the protagonist of this story is. Based on your writing, I'd say that you have a greater connection to writing Daniel. I say trust that instinct. The paragraphs that seemed like "his" were the more powerful ones, IMO.
Good luck and thanks for sharing!
I had to read the first few paragraphs a few times because I couldn't figure out whose POV we're in. I think this should be clear from any point in the story (even if I'm only given a 250 excerpt). The only thing that clued me in to thinking that maybe it was Janie's was the "Janie realized" bit...but a good rule of thumb is to avoid beginning your sentences like that. It's a big no-no in the world of writing to say things like she/he knew, she/he saw, she/he wondered, she/he thought...usually there's a much colorful way to *show* your readers these things without writing them. Often times, it comes across as telling and robs the reader of feeling the emotions with your character. Then again, it can't *always* be avoided. Bottom line---use those phrases sparingly.
ReplyDeleteI agree with some others about the paragraph that begins with "The words dripped like acid." It reads like you're doing a POV switch (also called head-topping) and that's also a big no-no. Sometimes, it can be done fabulously but it's rarely the case.
The last two sentences are awkward. I'm guessing you *meant* to say "There were more than two options. Being turned was the only unspeakable one." You still need to fix a couple technical errors in this chapter. I understand it's easy to make small errors and misspellings and a good CP will often catch them for you.
Also, there isn't as much tension here as I thought there would be from reading your blurb. The vamp seems way too calm at this point to walk away. And doesn't she have to face him again if they're at this cabin together...which I'm assuming is secluded somewhere in the woods or something? If so, you might want to have her internalize how the rest of their stay at the cabin will go. That way, we have to read more because we will feel like we have to find out what happens next. Otherwise, it reads like this is the end of their trip and maybe it is, but that information should also be given if that's the case.
Good luck!
I liked this. There were a couple of things that stuck out to me. The "pop her head off like a dandelion" didn't work for me. Like, at all. It felt too flippant for the rest of the scene. So did the sentence following that. If it wouldn't last forever, why not just get it over with? Yeah, it sounded out of place compared with the rather desperate tone of the rest of the writing.
ReplyDeleteI also needed a little more before "Janie was free." It seems to me that Daniel just walked away. That's certainly not "free". At least not to me. I want him to say something or run off. I want some time to pass to see if he comes back even angrier. But just to walk away and then she's free? Yeah, not sure about that.
But I'd read more to find out what Daniel does do.
The overall genre and blurb had me interested, but the first paragraph lost me a bit. I agree with the previous comments around the "dandelion" line. It sounded more like Janie was joking than scared of being killed.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think I was looking for more angst or emotion. I just felt like something was missing. Maybe something more of how Janie felt physically during this time? How did she feel when Daniel is coming at her, ready to attack her? How did she feel when he turned around and walked away? That might help.
I believe the second to last sentence might be a typo? "There were more than two options." vs "There were more that two options."
Good luck, hope the feedback helps!
The set-up and the first half of the ending were great: terrifying, tension-filled and dark. However, it fell apart when he didn't hurt her--I actually found myself growing confused because of the inadvertent POV changes and the lack of action.
ReplyDeleteYes, I have to admit that the head hopping was confusing - and I found the shift of action disconcerting.
ReplyDelete'In what had become a horror filled night, her eyes still went wide with even greater horrors.'
This felt clunky - not helped by 'went' being such a weak verb.
The last 2 line didn't work for me.
'There were more that two options'
Should it have been ' more than those two options'?
'Being turned was only unspeakable,' felt incomplete. What was worse than unspeakable?
I agree on the POV shift as well. Also, I think you want to say:
ReplyDelete"Even I'm not THAT powerful..."
And the last two sentences need to be rewritten. They don't make sense as is.
I know this isn't fair being that I'm only seeing a little bit of it, but there's nothing here that makes this stand out from any other vampire story... and the market is flooded with them. Her reaction of what he can do to her makes me think Twilight. And I didn't really feel the tension when he was leaving.
Since I was a goth girl in high school, I think I'm really hard on vampire stories. It has to be really different and surprise me to read on.
I am a big vamp fan. Love a good original story.
ReplyDeleteI found this to be a little confusing.
I agree completely with the POV switch. Not that it is a bad thing to do, but you need to make it clear that it is happening. I had to reread a few lines more than once to make sure I knew who was doing the thinking.